Stepson eats with us but my kids don’t

[Leftie202]

This is probably going to sound petty, I’m pregnant and having a difficult one so maybe I’m just being silly and emotional and ridiculous.

so dp and I live together, he has a child from previous, and I have 3 from previous. My children are with us mon-fri, his fri-mon, apart from holidays where we have them all together for at least half the week.

when my children are here, I tend to give them their tea about 5.30-6, and then me and dp eat later usually around 7.30 as he’s not normally home till then. By this time kids are in bed or at least having quiet time in their rooms so we eat and watch some tv, this is our time I suppose. We both work full time so evenings are the only time we get really like most parents I guess.

when his son comes to us, he always has tea with us, and it’s not because we eat earlier weekends, we don’t, we still eat around 7.30 as that’s just our routine now, but he always eats with us, even if it’s a takeaway. My partner likes my children in bed by 7.30, so we can have some us time, that’s fine, I totally agree with it, but at weekends For my step son it’s different. He eats with us, and doesn’t go up till 8.30-9. He’s 5 if that makes a difference. My kids are a bit older, youngest being 8. I brought it up with my partner that I think his son should eat earlier then we eat separately like we do in the week, but he thinks I’m being absolutely ridiculous.

just to add, in the holidays when we have all together, they all eat separately and go up, we eat tea just us 2. So it’s only the weekends.. but I don’t think it’s very fair to be honest. He has this rule for my children but not his own? Shouldn’t it be the same for all of them? I honestly don’t know if I’m being a knob here so please tell me if I am and I’ll drop it.

In general I agree, however my early teenage children preferred to eat to eat at 5:30 when they got in than wait for a more adult time as they were starving. We are not a blended family but we do sometimes have 2 sittings during the week (not always adults and children, Dd gets in late a couple of nights, DS doesn't want to wait). However they are and have always been welcome downstairs until lights out (9:30 for 13yo, 8:30/9 for late primary)

Yes she was replying she had a 15yo and 1yo.

Massive red flag.

But your DC have each other for company when they eat. Why would you want a little 5 yo to sit on his own? maybe stick him in front of the TV while youre at it? Eating with you is late, so the obvious is to all eat a bit earlier, say 6.30 and then he can go to bed earlier and you can have some time together.

If you had your children on the weekends then this might make sense, although sending a 13 year old to his/her room at 7:30 pm seems extreme to me. (Teenagers, IMO, need to have a lot of time available with their mother so they can offhandedly mention things that have been bothering them.) But you don't see your children on the weekends so if you send them to their rooms at 7:30 pm then you hardly spend any time with them, let alone doing fun family things like movie nights or game nights. That is not really fair to them, IMO, or to yourself. One day your children will grow up and move out and you will have missed some of the most fun parts of parenting.

Not really fair that your partner gets to have his child stay up late AND gets to see him all weekend long. Not fair to your children either.

Her husband doesn't get home until 7:30 ish.

Your other post says your dd who is 9/10 is with your DP most of the time and with you for weekends and here you say she is with her dad for weekends as he wouldn’t allow otherwise. Is there an entire extra daughter?

the OP on this thread replied to an OP on another thread who has a 15 yr old and a 1 yr old. She didn’t use the quote function correctly. It just looks like the paragraph referring to a 15 yr old and 1 yr old was said by leftie202

Ex dp I meant above, sorry

Allow?

No court order then?

It's interesting to see how few people read the replies to a thread before adding their contribution.

So you want the same rule for both sets of children, even though that means a five year old eating alone, and three much older children all getting to eat with each other?

No, it would be horrible of you to insist that a five year old eats alone. If your older children want to be downstairs until bedtime then they should be allowed, but even if they aren’t, they at least have each other. They wouldn’t have to sit alone like his child would. I can’t believe you think it’s an even comparison at all tbh.

Not sure where to start with this. Current partner sounds ridiculous and so does the ex. Why does your life and your children’s lives have to revolve around them?! Its no good for you or the children. You need better boundaries. So that’s a big no to the current set up

I mean your children are your children, so if you are not happy with the routine set up for them at your home then change it.

You says it’s unfair for his and your children to have different dinner/bedtime routines, but unfair to who? Obviously as the children are not there at the same time the fact his child eats with you and stays up later shouldn’t be an issue because your children are elsewhere when that happens.

I think you should focus less on what’s “fair” and more on getting a routine that you think is right for your children and you.

Is it the norm to banish older children to their rooms so adults can have "alone time" every night? Seems very strange to me. My kids are part of my family with every right to use public spaces in our house when they want. If my DH and I want "alone time" we can go to our room.

I read most of the thread so apologies if I’ve missed something. 7.30 seems super early for being in their own bedrooms for your children. I would push to try and change that. I think I can also understand him wanting to make the most of the time he has with his own child. Maybe meet I the middle somewhere?

These sort of threads always make me feel really sick. It's so disturbing reading about children who are in situations involving some man who clearly resents their existence commandeering and trampling over every part of their life. Especially when there's a golden child that they have to sit and watch, and suck up the completely different standards and expectations. And there's nothing they can do about it, because they are just kids. There is something their mother and only source of protection in this situation can do, but she's not. She's just passively watching and allowing it. How can anyone sit and watch as their boyfriend squashes their kids bit by bit until they are little shadows?

How long are you two together? It almost sounds like he 'owns' you after 7.00pm.
How available are you to your kids in the evening times?
When do your kids get time to chat to you about what happened that day. Is there a forum for them to come and talk to you if there is something going on they need to discuss.
If one of them appears down after 'going up' is it easy for them to get to chat with you or are they hovering awkwardly at the sitting room door type of thing or told 'well get your glass of water and go thankyou'.

decayingmatter The OP is always pregnant, as well. Because what these situations need is more children.

People are acting bizaarely... 8pm is a perfectly normal and acceptible bed time for an 8 year old and older too.

Are people here really trying to make out that on school nights your 8 year old kids are up past that as if they are adults?

Even our teen is in his room by then, its out time to unwind after a long busy day... theres plenty of DAY time for family time, they dont need to be up past the water shed listening to our work stories, watching inappropriate tv and struggling to get up for school because they're knacked.

A lot of parents here must be the kind that let their primary school kids watch GOT and Squid games etc...

The problem OP has is inequality not a pefectly normal bedtime routine.

@Midlifemusings But his child is there at the weekends. Presumably he doesnt work until 7.30 7 days a week?

You’re right to want it to all be the same but it should be your children eating later as a family. They shouldn’t be sent to their rooms at 7.30!

Taking this at face value, even though PP’s have questioned the OP’s posting history.
Your DP is trying to airbrush your kids out of this family isn’t he, he comes in from work and your kids have to go to bed so you can have couple time (what a load of bollocks for an excuse) but when his child is there he doesn’t feel the need for couple time then does he? Meal times and weekday / weekend differences are just a smokescreen for blatant unfairness which you are colluding with.Your kids are not there at the weekend because of your ex but let me guess your DP wouldn’t want them around anyway and doesn’t want you to fight your ex on this? Why bring another child into this shit show when you can’t prioritise the ones you already have.

Presumably you also think it’s ‘perfectly fine’ to make your 13 year old sit on their room every single day from 7.30 because your husband doesn’t like your kids downstairs? Because that’s what’s being discussed here. Not sure where you’ve pulled an 8 year old going to bed at 8pm from.

And there’s not ‘plenty of daytime.’ There’s about 4 hours.

Yuck