Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Smitten ‘friend’ won’t let go….

192 replies

turnedworm · 24/06/2022 10:11

Grab coffee - might be a long one!
I met a man a few years ago - and became friends. He already had a (slightly older) female friend and we all did weekend social stuff. I soon noticed she was living her life around him - not even seeing her family locally in case she missed out on a moment in his company. FOMO. Our other friends have for a long time taken the piss out of her obvious smitteness.
Long story short - he and I got together last summer. She wasn’t happy - declaring she ‘knew that would happen’ & was jealous and wished it was her. There was a confrontation. He said no one was to be allowed to come between us. He didn’t want to end that friendship but it couldn’t continue as it was.
As a resut she and I have never seen or spoken since, which I’m ok with as that’s a better option than being in the company of someone who is not an authentic friend & is jealous of me.
Soon after he stopped mentioning her (purposely) allowing me to think the friendship had been scaled back or ended - but I had suspicions - & asked him. He got very angry and defensive said he wanted to see her as they are friends and things are different now & that she now accepts ‘& supports’ our relationship. (I’m not convinced - just think she’s wily enough to want him to think that or risk that he’d not be friends with her) He said he didn’t tell me as I ‘hate’ her. I don’t hate her at all but I think she is toxic to our relationship. He agreed it was an error of judgement not to tell me.
I was massively upset at the omission & we agreed if he was to see her he has to be open with me.
When we’re not together (and we are together for up to 4/5 days a week) he has maybe once a week (I’m not certain that he does tell me) been going to hers as she ‘has always relied on him when she ‘needs help’ with jobs & they have catch ups & food at hers.
I think they still text every day - she texts him good morning, updates about her day, and goodnight - and they speak but never when I’m around.
I am starting to feel very pissed off - that there is 3 in this relationship. He says I’m being very unreasonable as they were friends before I came along & he refuses to acknowledge that she fancies the pants off him. As that would be an acknowledgement their behaviour is not on. He says she has Lost out on so much as she doesn’t get to join us any more and she doesn’t see as much of him as she would like / needs to whilst I get to spend loads of time with him. My view is that her jealousy is what got us into this situation. He has other friends - even exes - that we are both friends with and I don’t feel any concerns about them.
They hug & She pecks him on the lips when they greet and leave! she is so besotted she’s never had a relationship since she became friends with him - about 9 years ago. - as no man matches up to him.
I think she’s very toxic and waiting in the wings to pick up the pieces if we don’t make it through.
they have never had a relationship as he has never fancied her. Is it his ego? Am I missing something?
I am starting to feel like the situation is uncomfortable and may be a deal breaker and yet he is amazing in so many other ways. Last time I raised it he told me I was ‘on thin ice’ but he is the one on thin ice with me. Don’t want to be raising it again unless I’m on solid ground!
do I just need to get over myself?
Any advice please?
AIBU?

OP posts:
DelurkingLawyer · 24/06/2022 13:44

Nope. This isn’t how a decent bloke deals with this situation.

When I first got together with DH, he had a friend who he suspected from time to time might want to be more than friends, though nothing had been made explicit. After we got together she became jealous and the behaviour became overt. He started reducing contact and was completely open with me about when he did see her. She eventually overstepped seriously during one of their meet ups by making clear she was waiting in the wings and he never saw her again.

Sunnysideup999 · 24/06/2022 13:45

Tell him your not interested unless he ditches his toxic AF ‘friendship’ with his clearly unstable friend.
you’ll always be annoyed by their friendship (rightly so) and it’s not worth the hassle of trying to change it

Ellie56 · 24/06/2022 13:46

YANBU. There are three of you in this relationship and that's the way he likes it.

He is an unmitigated knob and you are worth more than this. I would dump him.

Shedcity · 24/06/2022 13:46

Has this guy got a magical dick?! 😂

she’s not besotted and obsessing over him and not getting anything back from him for years. There’s either something going on or he’s leading her on
either way he’s the bad guy, and he’s convinced you two to hate each other so non of it’s his fault.
whilst pretending he’s a good friend to her, as he strings her along

it might be his ego, but he doesnt respect either of you and this isn’t working for you so why carry on.

or start going round to (or let him think you are) some male friends houses, go for dinner with them, have a sleepover even.
see how quickly it’s a problem

lifecanbehardattimes · 24/06/2022 13:49

He's clearly putting her before you!

CruCru · 24/06/2022 13:51

I feel quite sorry for this woman. She really, really likes him and he's stringing her along. I actually don't think (from what you've written) that he's shagging her - because that would validate her (and you) too much. It's better for him to have her pining after him, keeping you on your toes.

If you don't want to dump him then become a bit more detached. Say that you find this weird thing between you, him and her weird and that you aren't very interested in hearing about it. Make plans with other people - be a bit unavailable.

glowbabe · 24/06/2022 13:54

This is blunt sorry but he's sleeping with you both

recoveringa · 24/06/2022 13:56

Ah ok - so I completely expect to get absolutely roasted here - but I felt like I should reply, because I've been in a very very (scarily) similar situation, where I'm the 'other woman'.

I was friends with a guy for the last few years. We were FWB, but I always hoped it would be more. He knew this and he knew how I felt - but always told me that he wasn't in a place for a relationship. We texted most of the day, every day. I helped him out with pretty much every aspect of his life and up until a month ago, we were still sleeping together. I was basically his girlfriend, without the title. Then I found out that he's had a girlfriend since before Christmas.

Obviously I didn't know - or definitely wouldn't have been sleeping with him. He even went as far as to have me make a birthday cake for his 'mum' - which turns out was for her all along.

I can see it now for what it is. He enjoys manipulating people and getting what he wants. For me, realising that he was probably telling her that I'm 'clingy and smitten' made me feel like a complete and utter fool. All I'm saying here, is that you don't know what he's telling her on the other side either. He could be telling her what she wants to hear, and she might believe him (even though I'm sure she knows deep down that he's not being completely honest)

I can't tell you the negative impact that it's had on my mental health - and god only knows what impact it will have for me on relationships going forward. It will be incredibly hard to trust.

I'm not saying they are sleeping together, and I'm not defending anyone. I'm just giving my side and my experience.

cushionpillow · 24/06/2022 13:56

glowbabe · 24/06/2022 13:54

This is blunt sorry but he's sleeping with you both

This

Wheresthebeach · 24/06/2022 14:00

Leave. This isn't going to end well, it's a threesome and you're the newbie in town. I suspect you are replaceable, she isn't.

user30 · 24/06/2022 14:01

He's a nasty piece of work, if he cared for this woman he would cool it and not be texting daily and allowing her to keep her hopes up. I'd ditch him and his ego. What a twat.

MindYourHeadDoggy · 24/06/2022 14:02

What an odd scenario to bring upon yourself, OP.

If he’s not sleeping with her (and I would be 99% sure that he is), he’s getting something out of this.

I can’t believe we have two women fighting over a man in 2022. Honestly, OP, why would you let yourself get caught up in this embarrassing farce?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/06/2022 14:02

Not on OP

I say that as someone who has lots of male friends. If she was a long term friend who you just had a weird feeling about I'd say you were unreasonable. But she was upset when you got together, she openly said that she wished it was her.

Nobody should be in a relationship and actively maintaining a friendship with someone that wishes their relationship would fail. It might be different if she had moved on happily but she hasnt. And the fact that he did it in secret shows he knew it was wrong.

airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 24/06/2022 14:03

You're on thin ice?? Tell him he's on thin ice! Better still, tell him it's not working for you and to find someone else to feed his ego. You've put up with this situation for far too long and the relationship won't go anywhere you must know that. Dump!!

Onlyforcake · 24/06/2022 14:03

There was a guy like this, honestly he wasn't worth it. He probably fuels the situation to keep people from noticing his flaws.
There could well be a on off fwb situation with him stringing her along too. I'd walk, time to say you just don't want to be in a relationship right now.

bubblesbubbles11 · 24/06/2022 14:17

"They hug & She pecks him on the lips when they greet"
I know that a peck on the lips is not automatically sexual but this bit would really pee me off.

recoveringa · 24/06/2022 14:20

I actually posted about him recently enough - and not long after found out that they've been together the whole time

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4543109-friend-sending-a-text-asking-for-a-threesome

SnapDog · 24/06/2022 14:20

She is not the problem, he is.

He is feeding off her attention because he enjoys it. He spends time with her because he wants to. He wants her to stay interested so he is giving her enough of his time and energy to keep that interest alive.

stop talking about her and look at him!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/06/2022 14:20

What is he implying will happen, if you are on thin ice, if you have the gall to raise it again? The ice will break? Has he given any indication of what will happen if you do... does he mean that it will lead to a major argument, or he will end the relationship...or is he just leaving the implied threat hanging in the air.
Either way it sounds like he has no intention of toning down ending his "friendship". and he's regularly lied to you about it.
I think the ball is in your court.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 24/06/2022 14:30

I’d tell them both to Fuck Off and leave them to it.
please walk away before you get really hurt

LuaDipa · 24/06/2022 14:34

What a pathetic specimen. It’s embarrassing how desperate he is for attention.

I think you need to remove yourself from this shitshow. He’s being a rubbish boyfriend and it’s not worth the hassle. The ‘thin ice’ comment would have tipped me over the edge but he hadn’t behaved well throughout your entire relationship.

smine1 · 24/06/2022 14:37

If you have a pet rabbit bring it indoors!
Texts good morning and good night.. pecks on the lips !! Wtf ... nope I'd be done , totally disrespectful to you , what a wanker having his cake and eating it, get out, Bollox to that you do not have to put up with this! If you kick off all will go quiet but I very much doubt it will stop , good luck x

gogogadgetgo · 24/06/2022 14:41

What fucker allows someone to fawn over them for nine years dangling them just close enough that they can't move on but yet tantalises them with kisses on the lips?

Think about what kind of sadistic bastard does that.

Thin ice my arse. He'd be out by now. There's literally three of you in this relationship and always will be. He likes his ego being stroked too much.

Icansleep · 24/06/2022 14:43

Honestly, I think it was a mistake to get with him in the first place if she was so intense around him. It was never going to end well

Doje · 24/06/2022 14:59

I'm aware I'm going against the grain here, but we've only got it on OPs say-so that this other woman fancies him. Maybe they are just good mates and maybe OP you're a teeny bit jealous of their close relationship. If she was a man would it bother you as much? If he wanted to be with her then he would have dated by now?

OP I'd be tempted to embrace her a bit more. Join them on a night out and get to know her. Worst case scenario, you're keeping your enemies close....