Smitten ‘friend’ won’t let go….

[turnedworm]

Grab coffee - might be a long one!
I met a man a few years ago - and became friends. He already had a (slightly older) female friend and we all did weekend social stuff. I soon noticed she was living her life around him - not even seeing her family locally in case she missed out on a moment in his company. FOMO. Our other friends have for a long time taken the piss out of her obvious smitteness.
Long story short - he and I got together last summer. She wasn’t happy - declaring she ‘knew that would happen’ & was jealous and wished it was her. There was a confrontation. He said no one was to be allowed to come between us. He didn’t want to end that friendship but it couldn’t continue as it was.
As a resut she and I have never seen or spoken since, which I’m ok with as that’s a better option than being in the company of someone who is not an authentic friend & is jealous of me.
Soon after he stopped mentioning her (purposely) allowing me to think the friendship had been scaled back or ended - but I had suspicions - & asked him. He got very angry and defensive said he wanted to see her as they are friends and things are different now & that she now accepts ‘& supports’ our relationship. (I’m not convinced - just think she’s wily enough to want him to think that or risk that he’d not be friends with her) He said he didn’t tell me as I ‘hate’ her. I don’t hate her at all but I think she is toxic to our relationship. He agreed it was an error of judgement not to tell me.
I was massively upset at the omission & we agreed if he was to see her he has to be open with me.
When we’re not together (and we are together for up to 4/5 days a week) he has maybe once a week (I’m not certain that he does tell me) been going to hers as she ‘has always relied on him when she ‘needs help’ with jobs & they have catch ups & food at hers.
I think they still text every day - she texts him good morning, updates about her day, and goodnight - and they speak but never when I’m around.
I am starting to feel very pissed off - that there is 3 in this relationship. He says I’m being very unreasonable as they were friends before I came along & he refuses to acknowledge that she fancies the pants off him. As that would be an acknowledgement their behaviour is not on. He says she has Lost out on so much as she doesn’t get to join us any more and she doesn’t see as much of him as she would like / needs to whilst I get to spend loads of time with him. My view is that her jealousy is what got us into this situation. He has other friends - even exes - that we are both friends with and I don’t feel any concerns about them.
They hug & She pecks him on the lips when they greet and leave! she is so besotted she’s never had a relationship since she became friends with him - about 9 years ago. - as no man matches up to him.
I think she’s very toxic and waiting in the wings to pick up the pieces if we don’t make it through.
they have never had a relationship as he has never fancied her. Is it his ego? Am I missing something?
I am starting to feel like the situation is uncomfortable and may be a deal breaker and yet he is amazing in so many other ways. Last time I raised it he told me I was ‘on thin ice’ but he is the one on thin ice with me. Don’t want to be raising it again unless I’m on solid ground!
do I just need to get over myself?
Any advice please?
AIBU?

He is enjoying playing you off each other. Note that he did not tell you about how close they still are.
It is very unfair on the friend, she needs to move on and he won’t let her, instead she is probably enjoying being secret as you don’t ‘understand’
TBH most men would throw a women friend away over a relationship they are taking seriously.
Also, the audacity of telling you ‘thin ice’ I expect the subtext was that he could just go out with her instead.

She is a bitch and he is a twat
ditch both

He's shagging you both. And dangling you both on a piece of string. I'll bet he wears socks with sandles, happy beads, blue silk shirt, and bright yellow curly hair. Nothing wrong with that.. But his attitude pongs!

Yabu for have started something with a man who obviously loves his friend fawning over him. And now.. that you are a couple... he still loves it. AND lies to you

End It already would you???

Talk to her tell her she is ruining your relationship. If she cares for him she will step away, if she loves him she will not. Tell him your uncomfortable with the situation and it needs to change, ask him if the tables were reversed how would he be feeling, how would he act to the secrecy to the clinging obsessed dangleberry

It seems unfair to call her smitten, that would suggest it's one sided, when it's clearly not, even if he doesn't see her as a long term love he does see her as his plan B.

What a horrible man. Walk in fact run from this nasty man

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 24/06/2022 10:33
Thin ice!

How about fuck off!

😂

I’m in a happy 15 year marriage. If my husband told me I was “on thin ice” when I raised an issue that would be enough to make me think about leaving in itself.

It’s a threat. Don’t bring this up again or else. Or what? He’ll dump you? He’ll hit you?

It’s a warning. In your shoes I would take that warning seriously and get out.

The other woman isn’t even the real issue here.

The real issue is that you’re not allowed to raise problems that you’d like to discuss, and that if you try he will disregard your concerns, lie to you, twist your words and ultimately threaten you.

Think about that attitude being applied to any problem you might ever have for the rest of your life. There’s no sane future here.

Lol. Yes you are missing something. He’s probably having sex with her. He is massively enjoying this and acting like a complete dick. He might be still sleeping with exes even if he can find the odd hour! Unless you’re fine with sharing I’d get out of this. You are accusing her of this and that but he’s the culprit. You have also become obsessed by him. He is sounding like he is narcissistic. Get out walk away

One of my DH's good friends is a women. They've known each other since God was a boy and have monthly catch ups on the phone. She's also happily married. There has never, ever been anything romantic between them. They certainly don't text good morning and good night; that is what people in relationships do!

Sounds like your DP has 2 girlfriends.

She's not the problem, he is! Both of you should leave him to his ego or at the very least, let her have him. He's toxic.

Many years ago I was the “smitten” friend in this scenario. The FWB if you like. I stayed around in the background foolishly thinking he would leave her for me, hanging on to any crumbs of affection I was given. Then he told me they were getting married, and the scales fell from my eyes. I gave my head a wobble and walked away. I’ve heard this man has had numerous affairs during his marriage yet his wife still stays with him…leopards don’t change their spots.
OP, please don’t be that wife. Walk away. I wish you all the very best 🌺

I totally would not want another woman (or man) to be texting my husband goodnight every day. Sorry but it's not ok.

Dump him. He’s treating you badly. Let her have him. They deserve each other.

Jeez Louise… so what I take from this is that he’s massaging his own ego. He would rather be with a strong woman than this needy mess that she seems to be, but he likes the attention.

as for thin ice, is he having a laugh… if he needs the cling-on from hell to massage his ego leave him to it and when he can’t move a muscle because she’s frightened someone else might come along again then he might just look back and realise the utter standard of twat he’s been….

Tell him you don’t have time for this nonsense - bu-bye!

Pretty much unanimous response.

Funnily enough, the OP hasn't been back...

I think you know what the answer is.. GET FUCKING RID ASAP.
Don’t play second fiddle to no one x

This relationship sounds like hard work. I think leave him and let her realise he still doesn't want her. It was predictable it would be an issue as you knew she was smitten before you got together, if she was a friend at the time did you discuss that you liked him too at all before it happened? She might feel a bit betrayed as she liked him first. Not that that entitles her to him but I can see why she might feel it isnt fair

Yikes. I would cut all contact with both of them and start a fresh. This will end up in years either way tbh. Run now..

You said " I met a man a few years ago - and became friends." Is it just a friendship? Is all this over who can be his friend? If so you are bat shit crazy, he can be friends with who ever he wants. If you are in a relationship with him then yes, if he is meeting her on the sly then this is a massive red flag. Not that he has a friendship with her but that he is hiding it from you.

She then says:

Long story short - he and I got together last summer.

No no no no @turnedworm Firstly you are NOT being unreasonable.

This is 100% his ego in overdrive. He clearly loves the attention from this woman this has been his diet for a very long time, her besotted with him . He loves even more that he is in this very odd love triangle and two women want him.

The fact that he has been seeing her behind your back would be a real red flag. What else is he not telling you? He didn't tell you because he knows you would not approve so just does it anyway.

This screams a lack of respect for you, a lack of maturity and a lack of boundaries.

Did I read right that she greets him with a kiss on the lips? No way in hell should that be happening. You should not have to point out the boundaries that should be created this should be automatic.

All his actions show is that this "friendship" is more important than how you feel and his relationship with you.

He is still acting as though he is single. When you are in a relationship with someone you have to accept that there is some behaviour that is no longer appropriate and his behaviour falls into that category IMO.

I am sorry to say but I would not be suprised if there isn't more to this and if not at this time then watch this space.

At this point this is at the very least emotional cheating.

It's clear he is not going to stop seeing her and she is going nowhere so the question for yourself is what are you going to do about it?

I was in a similar situation with an ex. There was a female friend of his around a lot, who I got on okay with. I used to tell him that she liked him more than friends and he told me I was being paranoid and then made me feel guilty for thinking it. We eventually broke up and I found out about a year later, that he had in fact cheated on me with her. Trust your gut!

They were friends before you came along. If they were going to sleep together or be together they already would, they've had 9 years. I think it's really unfair to wander in essentially claim him and put a stop to how their 'friendship' works.
Reverse the roles and everyone would be saying he was controlling and he can't tell.you who to see etc etc.
You met on this basis, you two got together, you have the prize if you will.
Now either you have the confidence in your partnership to carry on and get over it or, you don't, in which case leave and leave now because it will fester. The others around you stirring the pot by mentioning how smitten this woman is aren't helping either.
Equally what if you are wrong what if they really are.best friends and she doesn't want more and that's just the way she is? You swooped in stolen her best friend cast doubt upon her and put him in a position where he has to sneak around to see her. Sometime that level of distrust can breed affairs....
Anyhoo that's my 2p I hope you settle it for yourself