Smitten ‘friend’ won’t let go….

[turnedworm]

Grab coffee - might be a long one!
I met a man a few years ago - and became friends. He already had a (slightly older) female friend and we all did weekend social stuff. I soon noticed she was living her life around him - not even seeing her family locally in case she missed out on a moment in his company. FOMO. Our other friends have for a long time taken the piss out of her obvious smitteness.
Long story short - he and I got together last summer. She wasn’t happy - declaring she ‘knew that would happen’ & was jealous and wished it was her. There was a confrontation. He said no one was to be allowed to come between us. He didn’t want to end that friendship but it couldn’t continue as it was.
As a resut she and I have never seen or spoken since, which I’m ok with as that’s a better option than being in the company of someone who is not an authentic friend & is jealous of me.
Soon after he stopped mentioning her (purposely) allowing me to think the friendship had been scaled back or ended - but I had suspicions - & asked him. He got very angry and defensive said he wanted to see her as they are friends and things are different now & that she now accepts ‘& supports’ our relationship. (I’m not convinced - just think she’s wily enough to want him to think that or risk that he’d not be friends with her) He said he didn’t tell me as I ‘hate’ her. I don’t hate her at all but I think she is toxic to our relationship. He agreed it was an error of judgement not to tell me.
I was massively upset at the omission & we agreed if he was to see her he has to be open with me.
When we’re not together (and we are together for up to 4/5 days a week) he has maybe once a week (I’m not certain that he does tell me) been going to hers as she ‘has always relied on him when she ‘needs help’ with jobs & they have catch ups & food at hers.
I think they still text every day - she texts him good morning, updates about her day, and goodnight - and they speak but never when I’m around.
I am starting to feel very pissed off - that there is 3 in this relationship. He says I’m being very unreasonable as they were friends before I came along & he refuses to acknowledge that she fancies the pants off him. As that would be an acknowledgement their behaviour is not on. He says she has Lost out on so much as she doesn’t get to join us any more and she doesn’t see as much of him as she would like / needs to whilst I get to spend loads of time with him. My view is that her jealousy is what got us into this situation. He has other friends - even exes - that we are both friends with and I don’t feel any concerns about them.
They hug & She pecks him on the lips when they greet and leave! she is so besotted she’s never had a relationship since she became friends with him - about 9 years ago. - as no man matches up to him.
I think she’s very toxic and waiting in the wings to pick up the pieces if we don’t make it through.
they have never had a relationship as he has never fancied her. Is it his ego? Am I missing something?
I am starting to feel like the situation is uncomfortable and may be a deal breaker and yet he is amazing in so many other ways. Last time I raised it he told me I was ‘on thin ice’ but he is the one on thin ice with me. Don’t want to be raising it again unless I’m on solid ground!
do I just need to get over myself?
Any advice please?
AIBU?

She’s an old friend of his. He says she’s accepted the relationship, so I’d go and see for yourself. Meet up with them again, see how she acts, whether she is accepting of the fact that you’re together now. Then decide what to do. If you’ve not actually seen them together how can you know that they’re still kissing on the lips still? If how he acts around her is now scaled down because he’s in a relationship then it’s ok he sees her, and it might help her accept it if she had to see him with you.

He sounds bad news. She's not your problem, he is. He's playing you and loving the attention. It's a huge red flag.

You should never have got involved in the first place. Your gossiping with friends about her being 'smitten' ; the parameters around when they can talk or meet - you've deliberately put yourself in a situation where you're constantly doing a 'pick me' dance. You've framed the entire relationship as a competition that you 'won'. That's very unhealthy.

I have no idea whether their friendship is innocent or not. If my DH asked me to drop a mutual friend, I'd be very unhappy. However, if we have mutual friends we meet them together and are open about conversations, etc. Regardless of the status of their friendship, I wouldn't accept a 'thin ice' ultimatum from a DP.

You really need to think about why you saw him as a prize and how much of this was based in setting yourself up in competition with this other woman - and whether he set up those parameters or you did.

Nrtft but he's definitely getting more than food round hers...

It sounds like it's obvious there is something to it: Our other friends have for a long time taken the piss out of her obvious smitteness.

OP's boyfriend sounds like a dick continuing to have such a close friendship (including kissing on the lips and messaging daily) with someone he knows would love to be with him romantically.

And their friends sound horrible for taking the piss out of this woman too.

Fuck knows why there are two women both desperate for this dickhead's attention!

From your post, it sounds like he's playing you both to a little fiddle. I get not wanting to cease a friendship that has been long standing, but he's got absolutely no right to make you feel bad for asking about something that clearly is occupying a lot of his time - messages all day, weekly visits etc. He's massively minimising your very legitimate (assuming your OP is accurate and she is way over stepping the mark) and valid concerns, which is a massive red flag.

It sounds like he is just playing you both, and getting a massive kick out of it at the same time.

Unless you're dating Tom Hardy, walk away. This guy is a premium dickhead. "Thin ice/kissing on the lips/texting all the time" WTAF!

Friends don't do those kinds of things!
It's an emotional affair.

I'm going to guess maybe these weren't the replies you expected?
But your dp does sound like a complete dick, telling you you're on thin ice...wtf!! How did you reply to that? Laugh then tell him to go and fuck himself hopefully.

If your boyfriend was a decent human being he would have ended the friendship with the other woman FOR HER SAKE.

He loves having her adoration. I'd dump his ass.

Thin ice. Lol.

Bin him off. He's being a dick. She's probably thinking there are more to his feelings because he's hiding their friendship to some extent.

I couldn't be arsed.

Imagine if you married him and she's there crying in the pews. Naaah.

If it's meant to be it shouldn't be this hard

Don't walk, run and stop wasting your time on someone with such a huge ego! He knows she is besotted with him and encourages it. A kind man would distance himself and not stoke her obsession.

Mr Bighead will gaslight game you until you leave. Or, he'll dump you if youre silly enough to keep on with him. Then he'll replace you with another woman to put up with his egotistical bullshit. & he will still continue to dangle his poor friend, who he's probably convincing that you are a monster.

How old are you? Just wondering how you can even find this dickhead attractive. To think he's told you that you're on thin ice, and you're still hanging on to him! Pick your self-esteem up from the floor, and just step away. He is not a keeper. Being nice to you sometimes is part of the game to keep you onside.

He might as well be having an affair - they communicate almost daily, greeting each other morning and night!!

No man who respected and loved their girlfriend would need to do this with another woman. Good friends often go weeks without seeing each other. He's just enjoying the attention from a smitten woman.

I suggest you ask for a trial break and say you're not sure you can continue, and then see what he does.

I’ve never in my life texted ‘good morning’ or ‘goodnight’ to anyone other than a lover/spouse (and occasionally my children if they’re on my mind 🤣)

🤷‍♀️

People just don’t behave like this…despite huge protests that it’s ‘you’ with the problem, it isn’t!

Oh man I am so sorry. Without a man involved I have a very toxic local friend situation and it has undone me. I am very sorry. Men are dim btw - I wouldn’t take his actions as personal.

Please leave this man he sounds like a narcissist you cannot have 3 in a relationship he should understand that. He had too big an ego and I don’t like it that he mentions your on thin ice as it implies he can do what he wants Regardless of your feelings. Your his girlfriend and a friend coming between you two will cause no end of upset so he has to go. If you can talk to his exes then you may get a better idea of who he really is. Just remember if this was you and you had a male friend whilst dating him he would insist that the male friend had to go. If he’s a narcissist they have several women on the go. Do some research as he could be up to all sorts. I really hope I am
wrong as I know this is very stressful and upsetting for you. I dated a narcissist a few years back and it’s all kinds of crazy. Let us all know how you get on.

He kisses her on the lips….
That would be enough in itself for me to kick him to the kerb.

Please for your own sanity finish the relationship. I’ve been through the same. I asked husband straight out if they were having an affair and he swore blind they weren’t. Five years later I found out they were and had been all that time. I was gutted as we’d been marrIed for nearly 20 years and had 3 daughters. That woman was and still is a player (
imho) and is more interested in his large salary than him. I’m now in a much better place after lots of counselling but I should have gone with my gut feeling. When men like that have their egos fed by unscrupulous women they will never change. They are narcissistic and think everything revolves around them. They can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t believe their lies! Research narcissistic men and I’m sure you’ll see many similarities. It’s an amazing feeling when their world crumbles all around them. However I will warn you now they are dangerous as they lie and cheat but worse than that they believe what they say as gospel truth. You will find out who your true friends are. It’s scary but honestly so worth it. And remember he will be her problem then. If they make a go of it well they’re well suited and will have a life full Of mistrust. Look after yourself. As L’Oreal says ‘because you’re worth it’!

You need to finish things. He clearly doesn't care for you as he'd just leave her be. You deserve a man that will put you first

He’s loving it, the thought of two women fancying him, pathetic get your self respect back op and ditch him

‘On thin ice’ bollocks to that. Dump the fecker and his over inflated ego, they’re welcome to each other.

He needs a Sophie's choice, before being prepared to walk away should he refuse.

This cannot go on any longer. This Camilla woman will drive you crazy!

The other woman isn't the issue (although I am very sad for her as she clearly needs to move on). The issue is your boyfriend. What a wanker!

Sounds like Charles and Diana, with Camilla circling. That relationship didn’t end well either.