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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Smitten ‘friend’ won’t let go….

192 replies

turnedworm · 24/06/2022 10:11

Grab coffee - might be a long one!
I met a man a few years ago - and became friends. He already had a (slightly older) female friend and we all did weekend social stuff. I soon noticed she was living her life around him - not even seeing her family locally in case she missed out on a moment in his company. FOMO. Our other friends have for a long time taken the piss out of her obvious smitteness.
Long story short - he and I got together last summer. She wasn’t happy - declaring she ‘knew that would happen’ & was jealous and wished it was her. There was a confrontation. He said no one was to be allowed to come between us. He didn’t want to end that friendship but it couldn’t continue as it was.
As a resut she and I have never seen or spoken since, which I’m ok with as that’s a better option than being in the company of someone who is not an authentic friend & is jealous of me.
Soon after he stopped mentioning her (purposely) allowing me to think the friendship had been scaled back or ended - but I had suspicions - & asked him. He got very angry and defensive said he wanted to see her as they are friends and things are different now & that she now accepts ‘& supports’ our relationship. (I’m not convinced - just think she’s wily enough to want him to think that or risk that he’d not be friends with her) He said he didn’t tell me as I ‘hate’ her. I don’t hate her at all but I think she is toxic to our relationship. He agreed it was an error of judgement not to tell me.
I was massively upset at the omission & we agreed if he was to see her he has to be open with me.
When we’re not together (and we are together for up to 4/5 days a week) he has maybe once a week (I’m not certain that he does tell me) been going to hers as she ‘has always relied on him when she ‘needs help’ with jobs & they have catch ups & food at hers.
I think they still text every day - she texts him good morning, updates about her day, and goodnight - and they speak but never when I’m around.
I am starting to feel very pissed off - that there is 3 in this relationship. He says I’m being very unreasonable as they were friends before I came along & he refuses to acknowledge that she fancies the pants off him. As that would be an acknowledgement their behaviour is not on. He says she has Lost out on so much as she doesn’t get to join us any more and she doesn’t see as much of him as she would like / needs to whilst I get to spend loads of time with him. My view is that her jealousy is what got us into this situation. He has other friends - even exes - that we are both friends with and I don’t feel any concerns about them.
They hug & She pecks him on the lips when they greet and leave! she is so besotted she’s never had a relationship since she became friends with him - about 9 years ago. - as no man matches up to him.
I think she’s very toxic and waiting in the wings to pick up the pieces if we don’t make it through.
they have never had a relationship as he has never fancied her. Is it his ego? Am I missing something?
I am starting to feel like the situation is uncomfortable and may be a deal breaker and yet he is amazing in so many other ways. Last time I raised it he told me I was ‘on thin ice’ but he is the one on thin ice with me. Don’t want to be raising it again unless I’m on solid ground!
do I just need to get over myself?
Any advice please?
AIBU?

OP posts:
Noonereallyinteresing · 25/06/2022 19:26

SweetPeaGirl · 24/06/2022 12:21

My best friend is a man and our friendship predates his current 7 year old relationship. We don't have any romantic feelings at all, and love each deeply in a platonic way. We're very careful about boundaries and especially early on in their relationship were careful to not just do the right thing but also appear to be doing the right thing because it would be natural for her to wonder and none of us wanted her to feel shit.

I made an effort to become friends with her too, and now we genuinely are - we talk independently of him etc. She's always invited when we see each other, and is almost always involved in the planning from the start (not just invited after we've decided), incl starting plans herself. I know that I'm important to my friend, but she's his partner and always comes first. And they're a package deal to an extent. I totally support all of that because they're so happy together and that's what I want for my friend!

I say all this because I absolutely believe men and women can be friends without there being anything untoward, but you need the mutual respect and to make an effort. OP, compare and contrast my situation to your partner and his 'friend'. Even if there's nothing 'going on' between them, he's been awful to you. He's shown no consideration for your feelings, continues to put her first, etc etc. It's just not ok.

This 100%

LesGiselle · 25/06/2022 19:31

Last time I raised it he told me I was ‘on thin ice’

This is such a red flag line for me. Agree with pp - walk away.

Chuzzle · 25/06/2022 19:33

Meh. Fuck him off.

BeverForget · 25/06/2022 19:35

Get rid.
He is stringing you both along, and you are the easy fallback position...

keeptheaspidistra · 25/06/2022 19:38

They are sleeping together.

Ginandtonics · 25/06/2022 19:41

My other half is happy to put up with my long term male friend, but the difference is ghat this friend is gay and there are no romantic possibilities. I think this woman has a problem, same one as you do. You're both being strung along by someone who hasn't got anyone's best interests at heart apart from his own. Good he looks after old friends but not so good that it's in a way that prevents her finding another romantic relationship. Maybe a lovely man but IMHO not one who is totally committed to you and is keeping all his options open.

bubblesbubbles11 · 25/06/2022 19:43

Sweetpea - you missed a blinder there he sounds lovely

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 25/06/2022 19:43

He told you that you were "on thin ice"
No, just no! I'd tell him he needs to get the fuck over himself, have some bloody respect and fuck off incase the ice your on cracks!
Thin ice, i honestly can't get over that he actually said that to you. What a tw*t!!

Dominuse · 25/06/2022 19:44

CounsellorTroi · 24/06/2022 10:31

I don’t normally throw the word gaslighting about, but he is absolutely gaslighting you by refusing to acknowledge his friend has romantic feelings for him. And he’s not being fair on her either. She has wasted nine years of her life on him. I can’t see what’s in this relationship for you tbh.

this. I’d end it - it won’t change ever.

I would actually end it and just not even mention her and just say it’s not working, thanks and goodbye.

m don’t get drawn back in if he says you are jealous or he will end his friendship / this is a decade later. Move on.

ChristmasSnowCookie · 25/06/2022 19:55

In all honesty, this sounds like the friendship me and my 'friend' have. We're so close and I absolutely love him in every sense of the word. He wants a relationship with me and told me so, I then admitted how I felt too. Unfortunately though, Its a case of right person, wrong timing. There's a lot going on in my life and I need to be in a good place before I get into another relationship. We agreed to be friends in the meantime and he has dated other women. I try to be respectful of them and their relationship, but they absolutely hate me because they know how me and him feel about each other- which I understand.

Personally I would never do anything to upset his girlfriend and I don't contact him unless he messages me asking how I am- however it is so hard for us to stay away from each other until the times right. I feel awful that this is the situation but it is what it is for now.

Based on what I've said, I feel that your partner has strong feelings for her too and you should just leave. I've never really understood why my friends girlfriends even try to have a relationship with him when he tells them how he feels about me and I've told him to stop telling them. I want him to be happy, whether that's with me or someone else and he won't be if he's in a relationship and telling his girlfriend he likes someone else.

AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken · 25/06/2022 20:05

The peck on the lips thing had got me like 😱 even with him not fancying her I don't think that's ok at all. The poor woman needs to be let go by him

Haffiana · 25/06/2022 20:10

She has known him and allegedly been besotted with him for 9 years. However, nothing has ever happened between them as he doesn't fancy her.

But, according to you, she is somehow now toxic to your very new relationship with him.

So nothing has changed between them, has it?

All that has happened is that you feel threatened. You are doing a pick me dance all on your own.

cottagegardenflower · 25/06/2022 20:41

You're doing a good job of driving him into her arms, which is why she is waiting patiently for him to drop you. After 9 years of friendship which didn't become a relationship i think you should just accept he is entitled to old friends. You don't own him body and soul so just accept he has friends of both sexes. I'm sure you do too.

Londoncallingme · 25/06/2022 20:44

Spot on. If he cared about her he’d let he go and encourage her to seek happiness Ed’s elsewhere - he’s loving the adoration.

Spodocomod0 · 25/06/2022 20:48

One on, and one in the wash .

TheBigPeach · 25/06/2022 20:53

I think that relationships shouldn’t have this kind of drama attached to them, it should be easier than this. I think I’d cut him loose sorry.

TonTonMacoute · 25/06/2022 20:57

Large male ego, two women getting hot under the collar with jealousy about him! It's the perfect scenario - for him!

Personally I wouldn't end it straight away, but I would be on a managed retreat from your relationship with him. What did Gwyneth call it? A conscious uncoupling!

Lagertha6 · 25/06/2022 20:59

LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE.

He is a total wana be playboy dangling two women along.

Ddot · 25/06/2022 21:13

Thin ice, who does he think he is! I would have laughed and said so sorry, I forgot your gods gift. Now fuck off

Wynnifer · 25/06/2022 21:13

CounsellorTroi · 24/06/2022 10:31

I don’t normally throw the word gaslighting about, but he is absolutely gaslighting you by refusing to acknowledge his friend has romantic feelings for him. And he’s not being fair on her either. She has wasted nine years of her life on him. I can’t see what’s in this relationship for you tbh.

Exactly. All of that.
OP: Dump that egotist.

Lizzy53 · 25/06/2022 21:22

Dump and right now

PinaColadaSunset · 25/06/2022 21:31

I’ve been in this situation and having been through it I would do things differently next time.

What I did previously was try to reason with my DP and say I was unhappy with the situation in the hope he would be sympathetic and respond positively. Instead he accused me of being jealous and insecure.

What I would do is keep quiet. You have said your piece. Don’t mention it again. Bide your time. See if there is a change in his behaviour. If not, when he least expects it, and when you have built up your support network, finish with him. When he asks why, say “I need a partner who isn’t weak, needy or insecure”. Say nothing else. Let him work out the rest. Definitely do not mention her.

Hankunamatata · 25/06/2022 21:41

You have to feel sorry for her. You knew she lived her life around him, you socialised as a 3 but you still chose to date him. Ita not her that's toxic its him

WilsonMilson · 25/06/2022 21:47

He’s absolutely loving this, isn’t he? Having two adoring women at his beck and call. He’s
like a pig in shit, with zero intention of letting his hanger on go.

Honestly, I’d leave them to it. I couldn’t be bothered with a third wheel situation.

Greenshed · 25/06/2022 21:48

Seems to me, OP (and I’ve only read the first page of posts, so apologies if things have moved on), but it seems to me as if he has his cake and eats it. He’s got you, and he’s got this other woman, “a friend”. Sorry, but to quote (or maybe slightly misquote) a saying by a certain deceased Princess, “ there were three of us in this relationship” (marriage, I know, but you get the gist). I think you would be wise to walk away, difficult though that might be; he’s not worth your attention. Find someone better, who values you - he obviously doesn’t.