Smitten ‘friend’ won’t let go….

[turnedworm]

Grab coffee - might be a long one!
I met a man a few years ago - and became friends. He already had a (slightly older) female friend and we all did weekend social stuff. I soon noticed she was living her life around him - not even seeing her family locally in case she missed out on a moment in his company. FOMO. Our other friends have for a long time taken the piss out of her obvious smitteness.
Long story short - he and I got together last summer. She wasn’t happy - declaring she ‘knew that would happen’ & was jealous and wished it was her. There was a confrontation. He said no one was to be allowed to come between us. He didn’t want to end that friendship but it couldn’t continue as it was.
As a resut she and I have never seen or spoken since, which I’m ok with as that’s a better option than being in the company of someone who is not an authentic friend & is jealous of me.
Soon after he stopped mentioning her (purposely) allowing me to think the friendship had been scaled back or ended - but I had suspicions - & asked him. He got very angry and defensive said he wanted to see her as they are friends and things are different now & that she now accepts ‘& supports’ our relationship. (I’m not convinced - just think she’s wily enough to want him to think that or risk that he’d not be friends with her) He said he didn’t tell me as I ‘hate’ her. I don’t hate her at all but I think she is toxic to our relationship. He agreed it was an error of judgement not to tell me.
I was massively upset at the omission & we agreed if he was to see her he has to be open with me.
When we’re not together (and we are together for up to 4/5 days a week) he has maybe once a week (I’m not certain that he does tell me) been going to hers as she ‘has always relied on him when she ‘needs help’ with jobs & they have catch ups & food at hers.
I think they still text every day - she texts him good morning, updates about her day, and goodnight - and they speak but never when I’m around.
I am starting to feel very pissed off - that there is 3 in this relationship. He says I’m being very unreasonable as they were friends before I came along & he refuses to acknowledge that she fancies the pants off him. As that would be an acknowledgement their behaviour is not on. He says she has Lost out on so much as she doesn’t get to join us any more and she doesn’t see as much of him as she would like / needs to whilst I get to spend loads of time with him. My view is that her jealousy is what got us into this situation. He has other friends - even exes - that we are both friends with and I don’t feel any concerns about them.
They hug & She pecks him on the lips when they greet and leave! she is so besotted she’s never had a relationship since she became friends with him - about 9 years ago. - as no man matches up to him.
I think she’s very toxic and waiting in the wings to pick up the pieces if we don’t make it through.
they have never had a relationship as he has never fancied her. Is it his ego? Am I missing something?
I am starting to feel like the situation is uncomfortable and may be a deal breaker and yet he is amazing in so many other ways. Last time I raised it he told me I was ‘on thin ice’ but he is the one on thin ice with me. Don’t want to be raising it again unless I’m on solid ground!
do I just need to get over myself?
Any advice please?
AIBU?

Oh good grief ditch the tosser immediately.

The answer to the 'thin ice' comment should have been 'fuck off'.
Am guessing you were blindsided at the time, OP, but please bin off this tosser with his giant ego.

I imagine he's telling exactly the same story to her. I'd guess she doesn't even know she's "just friends".

Either way, he's enjoying it. You need to decide if this is how you want to live, it's not going to change because he doesn't want it to.

You’re sharing him, and he’s loving the attention from you both. And you should tell him to fuck off with his ‘thin ice’ warning too.

Indeed!

All I think when I read this is 'Gosh isn't this fucker enjoying having two women fighting over him' 🤔

I don't believe he's 'nice' - I think he just loves it. He's well aware she fancies him and he loves the attention.

Nope. He sounds like he has a massive, unsinkable ego, and I'm not convinced that he's not fully aware of her feelings for him. He's getting something (ego-stroking) out of this that is worth risking his relationship with you.

It was at his insistence that you stopped seeing this other friend, and then he used that as a reason to see her secretly and act as though you're unreasonable for finding it uncomfortable. Is he getting off on the drama, because he seems to be doing all he can to create drama.

He doesn't sound like much of a man. The "thin ice" comment would put me off him, aside from anything else. He sounds like someone who thinks he can do no wrong and has an unhealthily high opinion of himself. I'd be amazed if he's willing to let go of his weird, overly cosy friendship. You already know he's willing to lie to you without batting an eye.

She is his OW. She has accepted that she is. Will you? I would send him to her in a permanent basis.

He wants you both doing the “pick me” dance.

the only way to win is not to play.

Sounds like he is enjoying the attention he is getting from her.

It sounds too dramatic to me.

The comment about being on a thin ice is weird. Also him hiding things about her is not on.

He has been deceiving you about the friendship, and leading her on when he knows she’s in love with him.

He is not committed to you. Leave them together and find someone who puts you first.

I've got some very long standing friends, including a lifelong best friend and 3 older kids. The only person I text morning, night and in between to on a daily basis if I am not with them is my partner. No-one else. It's not just a friendship from her side. She is reliant on him as you know. He's not shutting this down. I don't think this is healthy for any of you.

He’d be dumped as he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Thin ice my arse!! Fancies himself as a right Lothario that one. I would be telling him the ice has broken so he can fuck right off.

He's prioritising her over you. That's all you need to know, and his actions clearly tell you a) how honest he is as a person (not very) and b) where you come on the priority list. Also, telling you that you are on 'thin ice' is a cunty thing to do, and I'd bin him off for that alone.

I was the friend in this situation some years ago. The difference was I didn't fancy the bloke, but I did love him and was using him to fill a partner shaped space in my life, he did me a favour by prioritizing his girlfriend, even though it was devastating to lose the friendship and I wish he'd have been more upfront with me about what was going on. Ultimately it's not easy to be caught between a jealous friend and a new partner, but any decent bloke will sort himself out and do the right thing in due course, like my ex-friend did. A shame your man doesn't look like he is going to do the right thing and put you first, and as a consequence you'll probably end up bailing. I wouldn't blame you if you did.

It's a form of unavailability, by the way - people do this when they are deeply uneasy with emotional intimacy, usually because of childhood wounds. If they can keep pinging backwards and forwards between two people, playing them off against each other and never fully giving themselves to one person, what chance do they have of real lasting vulnerability and intimacy with one person? Not much. And that's why they like it that way. It keeps them safe. BUT: it hurts others, it's hurting you and this woman and really you'd both be better off out of it.
Good luck

My best friend is a man and our friendship predates his current 7 year old relationship. We don't have any romantic feelings at all, and love each deeply in a platonic way. We're very careful about boundaries and especially early on in their relationship were careful to not just do the right thing but also appear to be doing the right thing because it would be natural for her to wonder and none of us wanted her to feel shit.

I made an effort to become friends with her too, and now we genuinely are - we talk independently of him etc. She's always invited when we see each other, and is almost always involved in the planning from the start (not just invited after we've decided), incl starting plans herself. I know that I'm important to my friend, but she's his partner and always comes first. And they're a package deal to an extent. I totally support all of that because they're so happy together and that's what I want for my friend!

I say all this because I absolutely believe men and women can be friends without there being anything untoward, but you need the mutual respect and to make an effort. OP, compare and contrast my situation to your partner and his 'friend'. Even if there's nothing 'going on' between them, he's been awful to you. He's shown no consideration for your feelings, continues to put her first, etc etc. It's just not ok.

I just could not be arsed with this.

Leave, it's not going to get any better.

And woe betide the fucking man that told me I was on thin ice with him!! Jesus, he thinks he's a dog with two dicks doesn't he?

I'd dump because of his behaviour. If it is not this woman, there will be something else he uses to make you jealous.

If you truly wont dump him yhen5my advice to you is to be breezy and piss on his chips by saying you've reconsidered and you're totally fine with them, then dont say another word on the matter and make yourself less available. Make him work for it and plan things you want to do that he can join in with on days that she keeps free from him.

I'm personally too old to play these games but if you wont dump then at least win.

He is totally manipulating this situation. He's leading her on, and misleading you.

Why? Because he's got a massive ego.

If he cared about either or you he would treat you both with more respect.

I hope his penis is a large as his ego, otherwise I can't imagine what you see in him.

Get rid immediately. You are worth more than this.

HE goes on dates with her, it maybe coffee dates, with no sex, but she sees him as dating her.
Walk away as he is having an emotional affair, and you alone will never be enough for this man, if they have not already had sex, one day you will upset him enough that he will let it happen.

Walk away he sounds awful. Also I think it's highly likely they are sleeping together sorry 😔

Let’s be real. Op is absolutely not going to dump him. She likes him, thinks it’s worth the hassle and wants to win. This is fair enough.

Op, be more strategic. Withdraw from any mention of her whatsoever. You’ll only know if it is a game if you stop playing it. His reaction should inform the next move.

I had a similar thing with my ex. It turned out, of course, they were seeing each other. He was sleeping with her and then coming to see me. He tried the same things with me, they are friends, I was the bad guy for having a problem with it, she missed him etc. It was a bit different as she was also married, now he’s single, she’s still married and it’s still going on! I doubt they will ever stop. Please get out, like I did. It isn’t worth the heartache, and it’s just feeding their insanely large egos!

While yes she sounds pathetic I also feel sorry for HER... she has been strung along by a man for over a decade to the detriment of her own life moving forward.

She is under his thumb and he loves the power trip... shes not 'toxic' HE is and she probably need a lot of help to get away from him and recover.

Thin Ice, because you speak up about your valid expectations? He should be respectful and considerate, which I'm not hearing. He wants to have his cake and eat it.