Grab coffee - might be a long one!
I met a man a few years ago - and became friends. He already had a (slightly older) female friend and we all did weekend social stuff. I soon noticed she was living her life around him - not even seeing her family locally in case she missed out on a moment in his company. FOMO. Our other friends have for a long time taken the piss out of her obvious smitteness.
Long story short - he and I got together last summer. She wasn’t happy - declaring she ‘knew that would happen’ & was jealous and wished it was her. There was a confrontation. He said no one was to be allowed to come between us. He didn’t want to end that friendship but it couldn’t continue as it was.
As a resut she and I have never seen or spoken since, which I’m ok with as that’s a better option than being in the company of someone who is not an authentic friend & is jealous of me.
Soon after he stopped mentioning her (purposely) allowing me to think the friendship had been scaled back or ended - but I had suspicions - & asked him. He got very angry and defensive said he wanted to see her as they are friends and things are different now & that she now accepts ‘& supports’ our relationship. (I’m not convinced - just think she’s wily enough to want him to think that or risk that he’d not be friends with her) He said he didn’t tell me as I ‘hate’ her. I don’t hate her at all but I think she is toxic to our relationship. He agreed it was an error of judgement not to tell me.
I was massively upset at the omission & we agreed if he was to see her he has to be open with me.
When we’re not together (and we are together for up to 4/5 days a week) he has maybe once a week (I’m not certain that he does tell me) been going to hers as she ‘has always relied on him when she ‘needs help’ with jobs & they have catch ups & food at hers.
I think they still text every day - she texts him good morning, updates about her day, and goodnight - and they speak but never when I’m around.
I am starting to feel very pissed off - that there is 3 in this relationship. He says I’m being very unreasonable as they were friends before I came along & he refuses to acknowledge that she fancies the pants off him. As that would be an acknowledgement their behaviour is not on. He says she has Lost out on so much as she doesn’t get to join us any more and she doesn’t see as much of him as she would like / needs to whilst I get to spend loads of time with him. My view is that her jealousy is what got us into this situation. He has other friends - even exes - that we are both friends with and I don’t feel any concerns about them.
They hug & She pecks him on the lips when they greet and leave! she is so besotted she’s never had a relationship since she became friends with him - about 9 years ago. - as no man matches up to him.
I think she’s very toxic and waiting in the wings to pick up the pieces if we don’t make it through.
they have never had a relationship as he has never fancied her. Is it his ego? Am I missing something?
I am starting to feel like the situation is uncomfortable and may be a deal breaker and yet he is amazing in so many other ways. Last time I raised it he told me I was ‘on thin ice’ but he is the one on thin ice with me. Don’t want to be raising it again unless I’m on solid ground!
do I just need to get over myself?
Any advice please?
AIBU?