To not forgive this (chicken pox related)

[JustLyra]

My youngest DD is CEV. She has numerous health problems and we’ve had to be very careful her whole life.

That has meant, especially since covid, finding a balance between protecting her, but making sure her siblings don’t live too limited a life. It’s not an easy balance and not one we always get 100% right.

Our policy with other people has always been - please give us a heads up if we’re due to spend time with you and we’ll risk assess it. We never expect other people to cancel their attendance at parties etc, if we don’t feel it’s safe enough for her then we miss out. All we ask is that we’re given the info.

People around us are generally really good. It’s been a bit problematic since the mindset of covid being over has come in, but generally we’ve muddled through ok.

Earlier in the summer one of my other kids, who is 8, was invited to a sleepover for a birthday - just her and the birthday kid. The parent of the birthday kid knows us very well and said there was no coughs, colds or anything in their home the afternoon I dropped DD3 off. Everything seemed fine and dandy.

A few days after the party I got a message saying that the birthday child had chicken pox. Sure as fate DD3 had caught them. DD4 then caught them and it was a horrid time as she ended up spending 6 days in hospital seriously ill.

To me it was one of those things and couldn’t be helped.

Except now it turns out that the birthday child was known to have CP before the party. The birthday mum told another mum because she felt guilty and that mum told her to tell us or she would.

Birthday child felt well with the CP and apparently “really really really wanted DD4 as their sleepover guest” so the parents decided to just not say anything because it “could” have happened that they didn’t know so we had decided to take that risk.

They’ve been apologetic, as in the Dad apologised very briefly, but they seem fixed on “but, if we hadn’t known them you wouldn’t have known” and that, to them, seems to make it ok. Whereas to me it really doesn’t make it ok.

I don’t want anything to do with them again. I don’t trust them and I’m furious that they’d take that risk with someone else’s child, especially in our situation.

and they don’t seem to grasp that even before I had my youngest I’d have been pissed off if someone deliberately hid that because who exposes another child to CP deliberately without their parents ok? What if the Mum was pregnant?

My AIBU is this - the kids met at an activity. During the holidays when it’s off we usually try and organise a few play dates so they don’t lose touch. It’s always them/their DD that asks. Mine is happy to meet up, but has never asked. This summer I’m thinking just not agreeing to any of the meet ups.

If my DD asks id need to re-assess, but I don’t think she will. Id rather just let the friendship fizzle to a weekly thing at their activity as that way it limits contact with the parents.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. How many more times do you reckon you might have to mention your kids have been vaccinated 🙄

They don’t get to decide someone’s health or whether they should tell you. They should have just told you. End off.

Totally unforgivable. Get rid of them.

My daughter is vulnerable, undergoing chemo, and I believe can't have the vaccine as it is a live vaccine. She has spent 3 days on a drip in isolation at the childrens hospital after a scare, it was not fun 😒

If they knew how at risk your daughter is that is appalling behaviour. Basically they put their daughter's fun before your daughter's safety. That is truly bizarre behaviour from a moral/ethical point of view.

I do sincerely apologize! The other parents are completely selfish and in the wrong. My point was also selfish in that it's not something we have to think about here in the States on the Birthday Party circuit so it's even more mind boggling these parents would have tried to conceal a case of CP from you.

If no one knew it could be excused but they choose not to tell you & put your daughter at risk for a sleep over.
Personally if it was that mum I’d have rearranged the sleepover for another weekend or given everyone the heads up about the chicken pox & let you make your own decision.
I’d be done with them because if they can do this once they can do it again & the fact that the mum is avoiding you says it all!

Having seen firsthand the devastating results of exposing a fetus to a virus in the third trimester, I have to say that saying these people are selfish is being kind. Being immunocompromised myself, I would be beyond livid upon discovering that I was deliberately exposed to CP. But a CHILD?! If they did it once, what is there to stop them from doing it, or something similar, again? As much as it may hurt, I would seriously consider not having my daughter interact with these people at all. Apparently, they haven't a care for your child's safety and wellbeing, and no friendship is worth this kind of risk. Explain to your daughter why; chances are that she may have already foreseen this coming.

One hand yes they should've told you.

Other hand, sorry but your daughter is better catching them younger no matter how CEV. Your children could easily have brought them home too. The incubation period is 2 weeks. If your children developed them before that time frame it likely wasnt from the sleepover anyway. Chicken Pox is absolutely rife and has washed across the country for the past 12 weeks like noones business.

Is there a reason she isn't vaccinated against them?

My youngest daughter is compromised and certain illnesses such as chicken pox would land her in hospital critically ill. I've had to take her out of nursery through long stretches whilst other children have it. We've managed to dodge it so far thankfully. So I totally get where your coming from. Regardless of whether chicken pox are rife and difficult to avoid you are doing your best to keep her safe. Nothing excuses these other parents putting your child at risk. Ohh I would be livid and just go no contact from now on. They sound incredibly selfish. Glad your wee one is better from having had it.

İ think this poster is saying why aren't ALL children in general vaccinated against chicken pox like they are in the USA. Not just your children specifically.

I think the parents are really selfish. They could have postponed the sleepover part with your child and invited another one or taken their child to the cinema or something.

[bangs head on table]

She is. She's said it many times. She's immunocompromised though.

Oh for heavens sake. I know it is a lot to ask, but you really could read the Op's posts before you decide your point is so vital you simply must add it.

Admittedly there are nearly 40 of them, but she does repeatedly explain that HER DAUGHTER WAS VACCINATED.

(In response to @MiniPiccolo that is).

Anyway- I live in the UK but where I am from they also routinely vaccinate against CP. My older DS was exposed and had a single spot that came up the same day we were emant to fly to my home country. Obviously I canceleld the trip and my family were open mouthed because they could not even believe that we don't vaccinate in the UK.

@MiniPiccolo it is unforgivable to not read all of the OP’s posts on a thread like this.

You are definitely not being unreasonable the other parents knew your other child has serious health issues and should not have done that it was extremely stupid of them. I whole heartedly agree with to you . I personally would be very upset with them, the other parent who told you is a good friend and gets your situation. It would be a different story if your other child was not immune compromised as it is good for kids to get chicken pox young. But not for a child like you are describing. They are definitely in the wrong and you have every right to be upset. I hope your little one is ok

That person you're responding to, OP, does not bother reading. That's unconscionable, especially considering that they're so judgemental & ornery. You've replied at least 2x already that your kids are vaxxed.

Chicken pox or not, people need to have generally respect from a public health point of view. If you’re sick, don’t go round spreading your germs, may it be covid or chicken pox etc . Countries in the Far East have been wearing face masks for years long before covid even began, to protect others from their own bugs. Whereas some people over here throw chicken pox parties- literally. Like someone said it’s a shame there isn’t against selfishness and stupidity.
On another note, chicken pox vaccine should be part of childhood immunisation program. It’s shocking how many people have no idea that a vax against CP actually exists because the NHS doesn’t provide it to the general population.

All her kids are vaxxed!

Honestly it is like the new version of cancel the cheque.

Except a great deal less funny.

That is outrageous! Not to tell you that their DC had chicken pox when your other DD is vulnerable is inexcusable. And added to that the fact your other DD ended up in hospital after catching it too.
i’d Feel absolutely awful even if I hadn’t know my daughter had it !

My foster sister's 10YO Healthy and hearty daughter died of chicken pox due to lesions developing on her brain.

It's not that harmless disease we were all encouraged to expose our children to before they started school.

N.B. This is very rare, so please don't panic.
No-one can predict these things, but protection of our CEV can never be taken in a frivolous manner

Oh...my....fucking....god

Because if we start a childhood vaccination programme for it then we will end up with a wave of very seriously unwell newborns, damaged fetuses and unvaccinated adults in 20 years time, ffs.

Chickenpox is not harmful or dangerous to the majority of young children. And they then carry that immunity throughout life and in the community creating a free and effective herd immunity.

Give your head a wobble ffs and stop spouting rubbish you clearly don't understand. There is a US vaccination schedule because herd immunity in the US was naturally low/poor.