To not forgive this (chicken pox related)

[JustLyra]

My youngest DD is CEV. She has numerous health problems and we’ve had to be very careful her whole life.

That has meant, especially since covid, finding a balance between protecting her, but making sure her siblings don’t live too limited a life. It’s not an easy balance and not one we always get 100% right.

Our policy with other people has always been - please give us a heads up if we’re due to spend time with you and we’ll risk assess it. We never expect other people to cancel their attendance at parties etc, if we don’t feel it’s safe enough for her then we miss out. All we ask is that we’re given the info.

People around us are generally really good. It’s been a bit problematic since the mindset of covid being over has come in, but generally we’ve muddled through ok.

Earlier in the summer one of my other kids, who is 8, was invited to a sleepover for a birthday - just her and the birthday kid. The parent of the birthday kid knows us very well and said there was no coughs, colds or anything in their home the afternoon I dropped DD3 off. Everything seemed fine and dandy.

A few days after the party I got a message saying that the birthday child had chicken pox. Sure as fate DD3 had caught them. DD4 then caught them and it was a horrid time as she ended up spending 6 days in hospital seriously ill.

To me it was one of those things and couldn’t be helped.

Except now it turns out that the birthday child was known to have CP before the party. The birthday mum told another mum because she felt guilty and that mum told her to tell us or she would.

Birthday child felt well with the CP and apparently “really really really wanted DD4 as their sleepover guest” so the parents decided to just not say anything because it “could” have happened that they didn’t know so we had decided to take that risk.

They’ve been apologetic, as in the Dad apologised very briefly, but they seem fixed on “but, if we hadn’t known them you wouldn’t have known” and that, to them, seems to make it ok. Whereas to me it really doesn’t make it ok.

I don’t want anything to do with them again. I don’t trust them and I’m furious that they’d take that risk with someone else’s child, especially in our situation.

and they don’t seem to grasp that even before I had my youngest I’d have been pissed off if someone deliberately hid that because who exposes another child to CP deliberately without their parents ok? What if the Mum was pregnant?

My AIBU is this - the kids met at an activity. During the holidays when it’s off we usually try and organise a few play dates so they don’t lose touch. It’s always them/their DD that asks. Mine is happy to meet up, but has never asked. This summer I’m thinking just not agreeing to any of the meet ups.

If my DD asks id need to re-assess, but I don’t think she will. Id rather just let the friendship fizzle to a weekly thing at their activity as that way it limits contact with the parents.

I think it’s on the cards, but there are some benefits to not vaccinating against it (reduced prevalence of adult shingles, some uncertainty about vaccine cover into childbearing years). There doesn’t seem to be a strong consensus here.

Gosh it's alarming to read the lack of comprehension, common sense, and indeed of basic common decency on this thread.

Lyra, however do you put up with this crap?

I would end the friendship with these people now. I cannot believe they knew about the chicken pox and allowed your child to go anyway knowing she was unwell and has health issues. I am shocked at what happened all because they didn’t tell you. As a result of the friend’s careless your daughter had to spend 6 days in hospital. It’s them knowing and not telling you that’s the issue knowing full well your child’s state of health. They ought to be ashamed of themselves. Let us know how you get on

I had to cancel and reschedule my daughter's 6 th birthday party the day before because she caught cp. As far as I know none of the other children were vulnerable. My daughter was upset but I explained she might make all her friends I'll. I didn't hesitate for a second. I cannot understand the selfishness of these people who went ahead and risked your daughter's life. They would no longer be in my or my child's life.

I'm appalled. How utterly selfish! I'm so sorry!

You know, the OP has answered this lots of times. You can see all her posts on the thread by clicking "see all" at the end of her OP, if you like.

In some people, the vaccine doesn't work 100%, and in some people it doesn't work at all. The OP has done everything she can to try and keep her children safe, all she needs is for the people around her to not deliberately expose her kids to very contagious potentially fatal diseases. It's not that hard.

My US friends are always shocked at how few people here ensure their children get the chicken pox vaccine. Op ensuring all her children had it is unusual, the other family not having their children vaccinated is alas far more common.

Nope. I'd decline the 1st invitation to meet up thar you get & telling them exactly why.

I’m not really sure why you bothered posting?

I quite clearly said why I posted, and thanked posters for its sooner.

other than taking the chance to be another “I won’t be testing for covid” poster I don’t see the point.

The thread is about chicken pox. And deliberate exposure to it.

I seriously believe that this constitutes some kind of assault.

It would be wrong to knowingly and deceitfully expose any child to a danger for your own gain - but with the added CEV risk. What were they thinking. They must have known your DD would get CP and as a consequence put your other children at risk.

Cut them out but not before telling her she is lucky you’re not reporting it to the police. It doesn’t sound likely, but if your daughter does ask to see her friend explain that she cannot see her outside the activity because you can’t trust her parents to keep you safe.

You mean apart from the two in my care who have?

so literally a possibility that one child hasn’t been. I have no idea.

you do realise that vaccination doesn’t mean zero chance of CP?

You get used to it.

I thought the same. If you knowingly infect someone with HIV you can be charged with a crime and f violence, this is also by those lines in my view.

I feel for you! My ex sil brought her toddler over knowing he was still ill (had form for this) and he threw up all over the living room. My small baby got the bug and then severe pneumonia and was hospitalised for 10 days half of which was on a HDU unit. She never apologised or visited us in hospital. So hard to forgive

100% you are NOT being unreasonable. My daughter has end stage kidney failure and is immune compromised. If this happened to her I would go absolutely ballistic. I would not have anything to do with that family again. They knowingly played Russian roulette with your child’s life - and they did it because they wanted to give their child a nice party. Hideous people.

Yes but it also like so many of the covid threads. I truly never understood how selfish and self serving many people are until covid.

Just_Lyra. In your place I'd never forgive them. You are doing your very best for ALL your children. The father should just STFU. Their actions caused your daughter much unnecessary suffering and could have killed her.
And just because this incredibly morally bankrupt government says one can do this that or the other, it doesn't make it right. The vulnerable have been officially chucked under the bus. It is up to the public in general to care for those that are struggling, not to add to the damage by trampling them to death.

I am not judging OP. Or what you think the consensus is on the efficacy and safety of the CP vax. I just mean that CP is just not even a factor here in the States. I've heard of one case in a child in the 12 years I've lived here.

The responses from some on here shows how completely ignorant they are of the implications of life limiting illness on a child and their family. If I were you I would be stratospheric with anger that they risked the life of your daughter for the sake of a birthday party. Have nothing more to do with these people. Just move on. Sending hugs.

I’m so very sorry, I would be furious too and quite honestly if they feel free and easy to take risks without telling you that would be enough to end the friendship for me.
I used to know someone who had a child with complex needs (we fell out unfortunately) and if mine even had a cold I’d always ask her if it were ok to meet, I gave her the choice. To not mention chicken pox in this case is dangerous. A sleepover can be done a week or two later, to put their child’s desire over something that’s downright dangerous for you is all you need to know about them.
btw mine have had the CP vaccination, my youngest came out with it 5 days after the vaccine as it was going around school! He didn’t have enough time to become immune but I’m still so glad I did it. My eldest was nearly admitted to hospital when she had it, no underlying conditions, it was hideous.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

The op has clearly said repeatedly that she had vaccinated her children and that because of her youngest child's disability, the vaccine didn't work. This is perfectly possible. The fact that your limited anecdotal evidence suggests something different is probably more that you've never bother to ask about the effectiveness of the vaccine in people with low immunity, not that the op is wrong, so please stop suggesting she is lying.

My children are vaccinated.

as I’ve said numerous times.

you’ve never heard of it because when people get it it’s mild. We’d probably never have guessed that DD3 (who, again, is vaccinated) had it had it not done the harm it did to her sister (also vaccinated)

Selfish parents create selfish children. The birthday child would have been well aware of the situation and that her parents were lying. What message does that send the child?

They are either horrible people or completely dim…how dare they put your child at risk ! I’d couldn’t even bare to look at them let alone speak to them 😡 there are enough kids to go round ..drop the whole lot out.

YANBU.....the point is.....and I hate to say this.....but it could have been far worse for your daughter, what then? they are only in the position of being able to act as if it was nothing because your daughter recovered....if she hadnt? How could you trust them again? they put your daughter at risk for no better reason than their daughter didnt want them to say anything to spoil having her friend there. Not to be trusted.