To not forgive this (chicken pox related)

[JustLyra]

My youngest DD is CEV. She has numerous health problems and we’ve had to be very careful her whole life.

That has meant, especially since covid, finding a balance between protecting her, but making sure her siblings don’t live too limited a life. It’s not an easy balance and not one we always get 100% right.

Our policy with other people has always been - please give us a heads up if we’re due to spend time with you and we’ll risk assess it. We never expect other people to cancel their attendance at parties etc, if we don’t feel it’s safe enough for her then we miss out. All we ask is that we’re given the info.

People around us are generally really good. It’s been a bit problematic since the mindset of covid being over has come in, but generally we’ve muddled through ok.

Earlier in the summer one of my other kids, who is 8, was invited to a sleepover for a birthday - just her and the birthday kid. The parent of the birthday kid knows us very well and said there was no coughs, colds or anything in their home the afternoon I dropped DD3 off. Everything seemed fine and dandy.

A few days after the party I got a message saying that the birthday child had chicken pox. Sure as fate DD3 had caught them. DD4 then caught them and it was a horrid time as she ended up spending 6 days in hospital seriously ill.

To me it was one of those things and couldn’t be helped.

Except now it turns out that the birthday child was known to have CP before the party. The birthday mum told another mum because she felt guilty and that mum told her to tell us or she would.

Birthday child felt well with the CP and apparently “really really really wanted DD4 as their sleepover guest” so the parents decided to just not say anything because it “could” have happened that they didn’t know so we had decided to take that risk.

They’ve been apologetic, as in the Dad apologised very briefly, but they seem fixed on “but, if we hadn’t known them you wouldn’t have known” and that, to them, seems to make it ok. Whereas to me it really doesn’t make it ok.

I don’t want anything to do with them again. I don’t trust them and I’m furious that they’d take that risk with someone else’s child, especially in our situation.

and they don’t seem to grasp that even before I had my youngest I’d have been pissed off if someone deliberately hid that because who exposes another child to CP deliberately without their parents ok? What if the Mum was pregnant?

My AIBU is this - the kids met at an activity. During the holidays when it’s off we usually try and organise a few play dates so they don’t lose touch. It’s always them/their DD that asks. Mine is happy to meet up, but has never asked. This summer I’m thinking just not agreeing to any of the meet ups.

If my DD asks id need to re-assess, but I don’t think she will. Id rather just let the friendship fizzle to a weekly thing at their activity as that way it limits contact with the parents.

No no no and no . I’d be cutting them and blocking the number. That’s damn right nastiness . I’m CEV and during lockdown a member of my family came off despite testing positive and gave it me. I’ve not spoken to them since and neither has the rest of the family.

Kick them out. Unforgivable.
selfish selfish people

The thing with chickenpox though is that it's contagious before you have spots so every child your kids come into contact with could be about to have chickenpox and they wouldn't know

But these parents did know!

They knew their kid had chickenpox, they knew op's dd was extremely vulnerable but they went ahead anyway. Awful behaviour op. I'm livid on your behalf.

@Valeriekat I assume your comment was I response to my post. Chicken pox does cause a risk in pregnancy particularly in the 1st and 3rd trimester for any woman who has not previously had chicken pox.

I would be fucking furious with them too!your sick child aside it selfish and unnecessary to have your other child around their child with CP. then adding in your kid with CEV just makes it even worse. I would tell them to go fuck themselves and not to speak to me again.

I would be seething and I'd probably have to say something.

My mum sent me to school with rubella when I was 10 or 11. It was a British forces school abroad and my form tutor sent me to the nurse who sent me to the army base medical centre. An army doctor confirmed I had it and then lectured me on the dangers of rubella to pregnant women and selfishness of not being vaccinated. He made me cry and I felt guilty for years even though prior to that I had no idea what rubella was.

Then when I got home my mother told me that I had to phone our pregnant neighbour and tell her I had rubella because she'd been tutoring me.

I wish someone had said something to my mum rather than just leaving me to deal with her bad decisions. My kids are vaccinated including against chicken pox.

OP yes I would let the friendship fizzle. I could not spend time with people who are so selfish. I think Covid is a red herring here.

I would never ever invite any child round to ours if my DC was ill and likely contagious with more than a cold. In your circumstances the selfishness of the other parents is breathtaking - they risked your DD life so their DD wouldn't be disappointed ...staggering

"I'm sorry, but my daughter isn't that interested in spending time with the result of your failed contraception, so please leave me and my family alone"

You're not being unreasonable, that awful behaviour, they've deliberately lied to you knowing that you've got a vulnerable child at home. Do you really want to be friends with people like that?
Don't instigate anything anymore with them and If they do ask for meet ups, sleep overs, etc, in future then just say no, can't make it and leave it at that. They will soon get the message. I think you could also explain the situation to your child too, that they lied about the CP, which was the wrong thing to do and which caused your other child to get very ill from it.

There's this really useful function where you can click on "see all" on Op's post and see all that they have posted. Then you'd know that she's already answered this point.

It's about minimising risk. Acting on information that is known, as it was in this case.

Totally get it OP. YADNBU.

I have never heard that before nor been advised against it unlike obviously Rubella etc. and many other diseases or teratogenic substances.i9
Perhaps in my day when vaccine wasn't available and there was nothing you could do if you got it (pre acyclovir) they didn't tell us.
Although it was very rare 30 + years ago for anyone not to have had it as a child so it perhaps wasnt an issue then.

We have a CEV household member. I would never have contact with this family again.

I am so grateful that most of our friends and family really respect the importance of informing us of illness.

Imagine being this dense @Valeriekat to distribute false health information so casually. Chicken pox in pregnancy is serious and can cause complications for both mother and baby. Please do shut up or at least have a Google.

They knowingly put your child’s life at risk.

They did not give you the information to make an informed choice on the risk.

Imagine how your child that brought home chicken pox would have felt if the worse outcome had happened, knowing she carried it into the house? No amount of telling her it was not her fault would have fully relieved her from that guilt. At least if a cough/cold comes into the house it is just one of those things, she would have made the connection it was definitely via her.

Those people could have not only caused the death of your child by withholding information, they could have completely changed the course of your other child’s life through their selfish desire to prioritise their child’s birthday over everything else with no thought to the consequences.

I would make it absolutely clear that they could have caused the death of a child through their selfish actions, and that they are no longer going to be having contact with you.

I'm really sorry this happened OP

Of course YANBU to have nothing further to do with this family.

There's absolutely no excusing what they did. Arguing "if" they hadn't known is irrelevant. They did know their child was ill. They knew your youngest was CEV. Then they still chose to put her at risk.

It was shocking behaviour that demonstrated a callous disregard for the life of a child and that cannot be forgotten or forgiven - and that's what I'd tell the father prick next time he tried to chat with me.

YANBU

When we were little we had to quarantine for 3 weeks eacwhen we had chickenpox.
My sis wasn't very poorly but by the time my brother got it he was very unwell. Now we know that it is most infectious in the early stages. Those parents must have known that.
I would be furious.

I voted YABU because presumably your DD is in contact with this girl other than at the sleepover (school, clubs etc) and probably have mutual contacts, so if chicken pox is going around you are not going to shield your healthy children from it without severely curtailing their lives, and as happened, over they get it they bring it home to the family.

It must be horrendous living with your DDs poor health and prognosis, and the unpredictability of it, but you will never completely protect her from common viruses within a normal functioning society, if she hadn't had it now it would only be matter of time as CP is currently prevalent in your local community.

Obviously if you generally don't like these people and your DD isn't bothered about seeing them, then no point putting the effort in to the friendship, but that is unrelated to the children pox issue.

You are dnbu.
They are very selfish.
I had a few friends round years ago. Our children were playing together. They stayed late & as I was getting my 3 yr old ds ready for bed I noticed a few spots on his back which ended up being the start of cp. I went down & told my friends one of whom was pregnant & cv ( before covid but cv existed before then) unfortunately she and baby were very illwith cp but pulled through.
I was mortified & blamed myself even though I had now idea ds had the start of chickenpox. Other friends blamed me & things weren’t the same again.

@EgonSpengler2020 There is this clever little button called “see all” which means that you can read all the Op’s posts. If you had read them you would have seen this:-

And at that point hadn’t been in contact with my child for over a week so no “well they were sat next to each other in school all week so we thought it was ok” type thing (which still would have been wrong, but is a mindset lots have with covid).

It was an unnecessary and avoidable exposure.

You are definitely not unreasonable to be very angry. I would cut off contact with this family as much as you are able to and ignore the father if he tries to strike up a conversation with you.

Ah here. The OP has and is doing her very best by all of her children. The suggestions that because the DD who ended up on the sleep over may be in contact with other children who may be mutual contacts. This is missing the point of this thread....spectacularly.

The parents of the child with the chicken pox KNEW that their child had chicken pox, KNEW that the daughter of their friend is immuno-compromised and STILL let the sleepover continue because they didn't want to make their daughter unhappy as her friend wouldn't have been able to come over for the sleep over had her parents been informed.

FYI, "Earth " isn't spelled "MN"