To not forgive this (chicken pox related)

[JustLyra]

My youngest DD is CEV. She has numerous health problems and we’ve had to be very careful her whole life.

That has meant, especially since covid, finding a balance between protecting her, but making sure her siblings don’t live too limited a life. It’s not an easy balance and not one we always get 100% right.

Our policy with other people has always been - please give us a heads up if we’re due to spend time with you and we’ll risk assess it. We never expect other people to cancel their attendance at parties etc, if we don’t feel it’s safe enough for her then we miss out. All we ask is that we’re given the info.

People around us are generally really good. It’s been a bit problematic since the mindset of covid being over has come in, but generally we’ve muddled through ok.

Earlier in the summer one of my other kids, who is 8, was invited to a sleepover for a birthday - just her and the birthday kid. The parent of the birthday kid knows us very well and said there was no coughs, colds or anything in their home the afternoon I dropped DD3 off. Everything seemed fine and dandy.

A few days after the party I got a message saying that the birthday child had chicken pox. Sure as fate DD3 had caught them. DD4 then caught them and it was a horrid time as she ended up spending 6 days in hospital seriously ill.

To me it was one of those things and couldn’t be helped.

Except now it turns out that the birthday child was known to have CP before the party. The birthday mum told another mum because she felt guilty and that mum told her to tell us or she would.

Birthday child felt well with the CP and apparently “really really really wanted DD4 as their sleepover guest” so the parents decided to just not say anything because it “could” have happened that they didn’t know so we had decided to take that risk.

They’ve been apologetic, as in the Dad apologised very briefly, but they seem fixed on “but, if we hadn’t known them you wouldn’t have known” and that, to them, seems to make it ok. Whereas to me it really doesn’t make it ok.

I don’t want anything to do with them again. I don’t trust them and I’m furious that they’d take that risk with someone else’s child, especially in our situation.

and they don’t seem to grasp that even before I had my youngest I’d have been pissed off if someone deliberately hid that because who exposes another child to CP deliberately without their parents ok? What if the Mum was pregnant?

My AIBU is this - the kids met at an activity. During the holidays when it’s off we usually try and organise a few play dates so they don’t lose touch. It’s always them/their DD that asks. Mine is happy to meet up, but has never asked. This summer I’m thinking just not agreeing to any of the meet ups.

If my DD asks id need to re-assess, but I don’t think she will. Id rather just let the friendship fizzle to a weekly thing at their activity as that way it limits contact with the parents.

Furious is what I’d be. Chicken pox can be very nasty even without health conditions. Some people are really dumb about it. They think that because their child has it mild with a few spots that’s the way another catching it off them will have them. Sorry you went through that.

They deliberately gave your very poorly child chicken pox! Wtaf?! It doesn't matter what would have happened if they didn't know. They KNEW their daughter had chicken pox, they KNEW your daughter would catch it, they KNEW your daughter would pass it to her CEV sibling. I would never acknowledge their existence again and I wouldn't hide why either. How selfish of them.

My heart goes out to you OP as this was a situation that could so easily have been avoided if these thick-as-shite parents had done what @FishfingerFlinger suggested, leaving aside your CEV DD. Why should your other daughter be exposed to a disease unnecessarily?

They really are very unfeeling and I'd be considering getting legal advice over whether they have a charge to answer to.

They knowingly exposed one daughter to a virus again knowing that this daughter had to return home to a CEV sibling, exposing that sibling to the virus which could have very significant consequences and it did. It's their knowledge of these facts that would make me seek out legal advice on this situation. You may or may not want to go down that path but I think it should be mentioned.

To @MargotChateau and @Eek3under3 - I am so sorry for your losses.

@Meraas yes she did. Apparently her nanny was off sick, the daughter’s symptoms ‘weren’t that bad’ and the mother didn’t want to miss a lunch date she had on that day by staying home to look after her daughter. She knew my mother was pregnant too.
It’s so heartbreaking, and I hope it makes people more aware that they need to declare their child is ill and not take them to events/school and the tragic consequences that can happen if you do. Not everyone is able vaccinated due to allergies, age, vulnerabilities, no matter how much they or the parents want to.

We manage it by scraping through and hoping this isn’t the time. DD spent at least one night in hospital 14 times last year. On 4 occasions she was in for over a week.

We minimise as best we can. DDs room is downstairs and has a single bed in so when someone is ill one of us will bunk in with her and keep the contact with the others as low as possible.

i don’t work. I worked in schools so the risk was too high plus DDs appointments and sickness levels meant one of us had to be around all the time. DH works in a much safer environment when he’s not working from home.

Covid is rife at my DS’s Uni so he will isolate for a week before coming home.

we just do what we can when we can and hope it’s enough.

There is a mum at my daughters school who does the exact same “puts all the other kids and families at risk so her children can get 100% attendance awards. She has sent them in with covid, suspected covid, nori virus and chicken pox, doesn’t give a damn.

That is unspeakably awful.

I'm so sorry OP

I think this is appalling behaviour before you factor in a CEV child. When you consider DD, I think this moves from appalling to unforgivable.

I have nothing to add, really, other than to say you're absolutely not being unreasonable, and I hope you have as many long and happy years with your DD as possible. It all sounds very hard, and you're an amazing mum.

I would be livid.

One my children was born with chicken pox and nearly died from it - SCBU for the first week of his life, had to be resuscitated twice etc. I must have passed it to him but had no idea at all that I’d even been in contact with any one with it (and I had had it in the past).

That is undoubtedly the right strategy. If your DD isn't fussed, then it's better she isn't exposed to these people. Unbelievable attitude. I would be absolutely fuming.

You are not being unreasonable..I would keep it low key out loud so that your dd who went to the party doesn't feel bad and doesn't feel like she can't be friends with the other girl. But if she doesn't mention wanting to see this girl I absolutely would not want anything to.do with the family and the fact that the mother is avoiding you shows that she absolutely understands the situation. The dad is a dick

doubting my level of anger

Don't doubt your level of anger. It's entirely justified. I could never get past that level of selfishness.

You sound like you've got a very level headed attitude to your dd's vulnerabilities and how you deal with them as a family. I know how hard that is. You're doing everything right and these people are fucking awful. I'm sorry they did that to you.

YADNBU!! I'd be furious and my children aren't CEV! I hope your DD4 is home now and back to her normal self. Those parents should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves! It's definitely one thing if they didn't know their kid had CP. In that situation, I get that these things happen. But to know about it and conceal it is disgusting IMHO.

I tested positive for covid on Monday (I'm a nurse, so was sent home from my ward). Straight away, I informed my children's schools, withdrew my youngest from wraparound care, started testing them both daily and getting them to wear masks at school (they gel their hands frequently anyway). Schools told me that they weren't allowed to ask me to test them - I told them that I'd be testing them, and that if they came up positive, I'd be keeping them at home as I didn't want them to pose a risk to any staff or pupils who had health issues. My son tested positive on Wednesday, my daughter is still negative. Legally, I can still send my son to school (and apparently I can venture out and about), but I just don't think it's right. My daughter is at school but my son/I are staying home, and not allowing anyone to visit. He's doing online lessons currently. DD is due to go to a party on Sunday, I've given the parents a heads up, and let them know that she's still negative, but will be having daily tests. I thought this was the normal thing to do. I work on a ward that has very poorly patients: if I'm looking after those with covid, TB, meningitis, I stay away from visiting friends/family for a few days! FML

Yes it does pose a risk. It can cause serious complications for both mother and baby, www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/pregnancy/what-if-i-am-pregnant-and-i-have-not-had-chickenpox/

Unforgivable.

The bollocks about they could have not known would make me even more angry.

Reducing risk. Yeah, you don't know what you don't know but if you have all the information that is available you can reduce risk. How thick does a person have to be to not understand that very simple fact?

And if one more numpty on this thread bangs on about how your fully vaccinated children should be vaccinated I'm going to scream. 🤦

OP please ignore Ohthatsexciting they go out of their way to be goady and difficult on just about every thread that they contribute to. When they are called out on it they go all faux innocence that they were just trying to understand the situation.

YANBU how selfish can you get. Your poor daughter.

I couldn't forgive or forget in your shoes.

I think some people are so unwise about these things but I have no idea why. I love my MIL but she just doesn't recognise the need to stay in the house when ill. My DH was away and I was on nightshift and she had him and he was to go to a cousins party in the morning and had a costume made and everything. He then got a sickness bug and she was up all night with him changing beds etc etc. When I got home we all went to bed for a few hours when she chapped on the door and said "that's 11 o'clock if you want to get x ready for the party we will take him"

Why would I inflict that on another child??? Are you insane??!

That's so irrisponsible of them, I'm not surprised you don't want anything to do with them. Chicken pox can be really dangerous to lots of people and if they knew then it was incredible selfish of them not to inform you. I'm sorry that your daughter had to be hospitalised.

@Eek3under3 That's heartbreaking x

@MargotChateau That's heartbreaking x

I would be furious, and that dad has no idea. I would never forgive and never see them again, at least that way they might think before doing the same thing to someone else. It is a shame for your child but how could they take such a risk when you have been so clear on your situation and what your child needs. Even without the CEV it's unforgivable, but with, just insane, tbh.

It does sound bad. The thing with chickenpox though is that it's contagious before you have spots so every child your kids come into contact with could be about to have chickenpox and they wouldn't know. My kids have both recently had it and in the 2 days beforehand went to a birthday party and saw a newborn which obviously we wouldn't have done either with chickenpox. So I'm not sure how you are supposed to keep your little one safe in the case of these illnesses that are contagious before showing symptoms, very difficult for you all, especially your older children.

I’m horrified that they went ahead at all with a child with CP. Who does that without informing parents?
the CEV angle makes it unforgivable.
Don’t get the dad’s argument that they might not have known …. They did!!!