To not forgive this (chicken pox related)

[JustLyra]

My youngest DD is CEV. She has numerous health problems and we’ve had to be very careful her whole life.

That has meant, especially since covid, finding a balance between protecting her, but making sure her siblings don’t live too limited a life. It’s not an easy balance and not one we always get 100% right.

Our policy with other people has always been - please give us a heads up if we’re due to spend time with you and we’ll risk assess it. We never expect other people to cancel their attendance at parties etc, if we don’t feel it’s safe enough for her then we miss out. All we ask is that we’re given the info.

People around us are generally really good. It’s been a bit problematic since the mindset of covid being over has come in, but generally we’ve muddled through ok.

Earlier in the summer one of my other kids, who is 8, was invited to a sleepover for a birthday - just her and the birthday kid. The parent of the birthday kid knows us very well and said there was no coughs, colds or anything in their home the afternoon I dropped DD3 off. Everything seemed fine and dandy.

A few days after the party I got a message saying that the birthday child had chicken pox. Sure as fate DD3 had caught them. DD4 then caught them and it was a horrid time as she ended up spending 6 days in hospital seriously ill.

To me it was one of those things and couldn’t be helped.

Except now it turns out that the birthday child was known to have CP before the party. The birthday mum told another mum because she felt guilty and that mum told her to tell us or she would.

Birthday child felt well with the CP and apparently “really really really wanted DD4 as their sleepover guest” so the parents decided to just not say anything because it “could” have happened that they didn’t know so we had decided to take that risk.

They’ve been apologetic, as in the Dad apologised very briefly, but they seem fixed on “but, if we hadn’t known them you wouldn’t have known” and that, to them, seems to make it ok. Whereas to me it really doesn’t make it ok.

I don’t want anything to do with them again. I don’t trust them and I’m furious that they’d take that risk with someone else’s child, especially in our situation.

and they don’t seem to grasp that even before I had my youngest I’d have been pissed off if someone deliberately hid that because who exposes another child to CP deliberately without their parents ok? What if the Mum was pregnant?

My AIBU is this - the kids met at an activity. During the holidays when it’s off we usually try and organise a few play dates so they don’t lose touch. It’s always them/their DD that asks. Mine is happy to meet up, but has never asked. This summer I’m thinking just not agreeing to any of the meet ups.

If my DD asks id need to re-assess, but I don’t think she will. Id rather just let the friendship fizzle to a weekly thing at their activity as that way it limits contact with the parents.

Its just not expected from someone we’ve known for a few years, and in fact who once minded DD3 when we had to rush DD4 into hospital when a simple cold near killed her.

Unforgivable. I think, if nothing else, the Covid pandemic has shown how very many people do not seem to have anything approximating a working conscience. They were happy to risk your daughter's life on a whim.

What dreadful behaviour. The lengths some parents will go to to keep their children happy is shocking. Risk your daughter’s health rather than disappoint their own!

I would not forgive this- it was not just thoughtlessness (bad enough in such a situation) but deliberate lying. I am glad your child is better now, but dreadful that she experienced such a horrible ordeal unnecessarily.

I'm confused as to why an arsehole would ask a question that had already been answered repeatedly and insinuating poor parenting when they could have actually read the fucking thread. Surely that's the obvious thing to do.

Why would you presume that when I’ve already said that they don’t go to school together? The activity is the only one they go to together.

You are right though - I’ll never protect my daughter if arseholes think it’s ok to hide that their child is contagiously ill just to facilitate a sleepover or party.

No idea where the “unrelated to the pox issue” comes from - it’s entirely related to that. Prior to this I thought they were decent people. Now I know they’re not.

One very good thing has come from this thread. I’ve been recognised by another parent who has kindly offered to do pick ups.

We’ll do drop offs (kids can run in, sign themselves in and then wave from the window) and they’ll pick up. Means I won’t have to see the Dad again.

Bit of faith restored today. Thank you :)

Drop the friendship - they have shown you their values. No loss at all. Walk away with dignity.

Ah that’s a great solution @JustLyra …. Thank you from us to the fellow mums netter for helping you out right now x

That's great @JustLyra . You must be relieved that you won't have to see that Dad again.

Probably crawled back under her rock

In case anyone reading the thread is unaware of how serious chicken pox can be, here's a thread from a few years ago

www.mumsnet.com/talk/childrens_health/1649084-DS-still-asleep-what-to-do

I'm a bit emotional today so reading this has made me come over a bit weepy! How empathetic of the other mum who guessed your identity 😊

The OP's opening post says "My AIBU is this - the kids met at activity". Absolutely no mention of them being in the same school/class or anything in this or her subsequent posts. If anything, the OP clarified they weren't in school together.

Some of the stories on this thread are heart breaking and I'm so sorry for the pain that some peoples selfishness has caused others. It's also shown the lack of understanding how vaccines work and reading comprehension by some people.

OP, don't ever doubt your anger. This is your daughter and the selfish parents decided to put her life at risk just to please their daughter over a sleepover. It's absolutely unforgivable.

I hope your daughter is better now and can live a happy life for as long as possible

I think it might be the selfish gene a vaccination is needed for - the father seems more selfish than stupid

OP, you are being so much calmer about this than I would be (a good thing).

I am glad that someone has offered to help. I would not be able to have any contact with them after they prioritized their DC's social wishes over your very basic needs. Twats.

This thread makes sad reading - but I’m afraid this post did make me laugh

That's terrible to do that even if one of your children didn't have the health condition she has. Even worse that you do and know your circumstances. It would have been better to have been honest and told the daughter she will have to just have the sleepover in a few weeks when.

Very selfish of them. I would be taking pics of her in her hospital bed so they can see the consequences of they're own stupidity and selfishness.

That’s completely awful OP, I could never forgive them for endangering your poor DD like that. Shame you don’t live in the US, you could’ve hit them with a big lawsuit.

YADNBU. The selfishness of some parents astounds me. I’ve heard so many of these stories re people not cancelling parties/sending their kids to parties when ill just because they don’t want to have to do any difficult parenting. But to do this when they know the family and that they have a CEV child, just don’t have any words.

You sound like a brilliant parent, trying to protect your daughter whilst balancing the needs of your other children. And so glad someone else has stepped in to do the pick ups. Wishing you all the best.

Never mind forgiveness, I wouldn't ever be able to trust them again. Hopefully, your DD3 would understand the reasons they can't meet up to play anymore. I'm surprised you are still speaking to them in all honesty.

The Mum that made them tell you is a hero.

Another numpty who hasn't read the OP's posts.

Christ dramatic much?

It's 2022, how can you still be behaving like this?

I honestly think in 15 years of Mumsnet daily this is one of the most shocking things I have ever read.

Very sorry for your youngest DD's problems. It must be so stressful for you all even at the best of times but this deadly selfishness on the part of these (now ex) friends of yours is more than a little bit outrageous.

Your poor DD3 must feel guilt for passing on the virus despite it not being her fault.

I would do as others have suggested and speak to them both to ensure they are absolutely clear on what fuckwits they were about this and how they will be dead to you from this point onwards.
Hopefully they'll think twice about being spreaders of terrible viruses in the future. But probably not.

At least this way you never need to feel like you need to shy away from them at pickup. Hopefully the embarrassment of seeing you will mean they take their DD out of the activity.

So sorry. Your poor youngest DD she sounds very delicate and precious.

Have you actually read the post properly? They knew they're circumstances. Any illness she gets will be life threatening to her. They knowingly allowed the sleepover to go ahead knowing she had chicken pox. She wouldn't be allowed to go to school or club's with chicken pox. These are the type of parents who give's they're child Calpol and send's them to school.

My own daughter picked a bug up at school from a child. That child's mother admitted he had been sick the night before but sent them in anyway. This is a school with a lot of medically vulnerable children. The rule is don't send in 48 hour's after being sick. My daughter ended up in intensive care because she couldn't keep down her medication. By some miracle she pulled through but only just.