To want to know WHY my child isn't included

[Cakemamma19]

So my DC is 2.5 years old and has been going to nursery since 9 months old. DC has a few friends there and gets on pretty well day to day. DC has had birthday parties only small because thier birthday is in December and covid/lockdown was rife both years we celebrated. I recently learned that 3 children have had birthday parties at softplay and community centres and invited the rest of the class but not my child. Its upset me a little for my little one but more than that i am left questioning why my child isn't included. DC is absolutely lovely, gets on with everyone, is kind and very bright.
I cant think why they would leave her out.
my baby is deaf and wears double hearing aids so does struggle a bit with communication sometimes. I'm not saying this is the reason at all. But just don't want to drip feed . Should I mention this to any of the parents in passing or just keep my mouth shut? What would you do in this situation?

My dd had speech issues (couldn't pronounce some sounds) and required slt to help, although she did catch up by abt 6 years old.

When my DD was at nursery I didn't know any of the other parents as I picked my DD up late. It could be that one parent has a party and the other parents that went got to know some of the parents there and invited them. As your DD hasn't had/been to a party with nursery friends no one has got to know you. I don't think (and hope) it wasn't personal.

How do you know about these parties though and that everyone else was invited? If I had been to a party and was talking to someone who's DC wasn't invited/didn't go - I wouldn't mention it.

However, at that age your DD won't know or mind. Wait til Primary school and you'll be inundated with invites!

When my kids were at nursery, it was at their 3rd birthday they had the odd party invite.
At age 1 and 2, we did family (and friends with little ones) parties only, and tbh, at 3 and 4 as well. Then at school, we invited more kids and no family.
I didn’t really know anyone at nursery as I’d get there later than a lot of parents and also they’d only go 2 days a week.

I’d assume if you knew nursery children were socialising together at age 1 or 2, it’s because the parents know each other. And it’s not about the child.

Op I really don't think it's intentional. However I would ask nursery if she is settling in OK and how her communication is going with the other children.

How is her play and communication?
as they wil invite ones their kids play with.
my kid hardly had any party invites. My 10 going through asd referrals.
but also
some boy parents didnt invite girls and they also just kept their nursery friends no effort to make new ones.
ive had cases where my dc het on really well with a kid and still no invite. Bu t often those kids are very popular.
With the asd kids in y1 my dc knows they are different but does nt know why and says they are mostky out of the classroom and asking for their ipads.

think you’re massively overestimating the verbal abilities of most 2.5year olds. My DD is very verbal / vocal and there is no way she could explain to me that a child is deaf; or to say she doesn’t want me to invite a child because they’re deaf

Think you’re massively underestimating the nursery grapevine. My daughter at that age could have told me, I as a parent might have spoken to another (well, not me personally but some might) and of course it isn’t the kids who discriminate, it’s the parents.

as they wil invite ones their kids play with.

Which part of “all the other kids were invited” did you misunderstand?

However I would ask nursery if she is settling in OK and how her communication is going with the other children.

Sure. Blame the deaf child for being excluded. Whole class invites for toddlers don’t depend on who is best at communicating.

I'm not blaming the deaf child, please don't twist my words out of context.

i don't actually think parents will have deliberately left her out but I would ask how is she settling, is she playing with the other kids.
If she isn't I'd want to know so I can be sure the hearing aids are doing the job and if they aren't is that nursery the best place for her?

I'm friends with a couple of the mums on Facebook. My daughter has two good friends in nursery she spends time with one of them outside nursery. My daughters friends mum has showed me the invites and also picture of a boys party a few Weeks ago that my daughter wasn't invited to but everyone else was. There is no list I don't think due to safety

Is it possible that an informal list has been made by word of mouth and your daughter (as a recent addition to the nursery) is not included on the list.

How have the other parents got the details of your daughter’s friend?

I wouldn’t have had a clue who any of the parents at DS’s nursery were.

i don't actually think parents will have deliberately left her out but I would ask how is she settling, is she playing with the other kids.

If she isn't I'd want to know so I can be sure the hearing aids are doing the job and if they aren't is that nursery the best place for her?

Doubling down, now nursery might not be fit for her?

Lots of kids don’t play with others at nursery, my nephew didn’t. He still got invited to whole class parties. Of course parents deliberately exclude. Very naive to think they don’t.

I've been reading through her observations and her teachers have not commented anything negative about her behaviour. She's a lovely little girl. She does have a speech impediment due to her not hearing sounds so she just makes them up. And she was born with a cleft palate (repaired at 16m) so has speech issues. She struggled to make friends in public although she's very friendly. Kids talk to her,she doesn't always respond and they literally run away from her

It's a difficult one, you can't exactly ask, why someone didn't invite your kid to their private party.

There are two options a, her name isn't on the list that circulating (most likely) or b, her difficulties are causing more issues than you think.

Hence asking nursery how she us getting on and what more can be done to help her integrate. Maybe that's just a time thing.

Do you talk to the parents socially outside at collection or nip in and out?

Do they know each other outside?

Are birthday numbers tight?

Are the other children older or younger? Older children may not invite younger ones or vice versa.

Are they the opposite sex and having "boys" or "girls" parties?

How big is "the whole class except your daughter"?

I find it very sad that any parent would gossip to another that a child is deaf. Believable, but sad.

But in covid toddler nurseries parents barely get the opportunity to speak to one another so I still don’t think this is a discrimination issue.

It's a small nursery so class of 13. Sometimes there's 13 Sometimes around 10 in her 2-3s room

@Cakemamma19 is it the same 13 kids?

Could it be 13 kids at a time but not every child is in 5 full days, so may be a total roll of 20-25?

I'd ask the friend who showed you "do you know what DD wasn't invited? Has anyone said anything"

Because someone might think oh, deaf child couldn't do soft play so we won't invite them, then the next parent says did you invite everyone and they say well except MiniCake cos she's deaf and I figured she couldn't " and so it gets passed on. I'm hoping for ignorance rather than prejudice. Neither great but one is fixable.

Could you suggest a soft paly play date with the friend you have and maybe a couple of other Mom's to widen your circle?

Given that the two year olds aren't writing the lists, it's clearly a parent issue. DS was one of a few not invited to a swimming party. I get why (oxygen use) but it isn't an exclusion my friends would have made cos they'd have asked first.

Do all those children go at the same time though or are there also some who go on the days she doesn't? Even if it's just 13 in total, that's still a lot of kids to a birthday party.

Most crucially did your friend explain how the parents got her details to give her the invite? Surley that would be your best clue as to why you didn't have one?

Also my kid was removed from an activity (probable sen) for not joining in activities and the leader even said to me that they wouldnt be able to cope with sn. The person was unnecessarily mean but realistically the other parents i o know have likely been thinking the same.

my kid wa s always very ahead on speech and wouldnt have been playing with a child they couldnt talk to a 2.5yo. Not because they were discriminating but just because they would be chatting. Other kids in y1. (boys) around 6 now i overheard having a very boring conversation and did actually think i can see why my 6 yo hasnt been playing with them. I mean they did have several friends but their language skills were clearly behind the girls etc. (obviously specific to those particular kids)

have you been to any parties with the class? How did your dd behave? Joining in? Sitting on your knee? Easily upset? Just very because personally i wouldnt invite a kid i had seen say sitting down not joining in. Others judge on kids getting upset over pass the parcel.
my youngest got more.invites despite getting upset easily. Eldest had a lot less and im sure for mine it was behaviour at school as she was ok at parties you

when going to y1 parties out of 60 kids some have been to every one i went to. Others have be en invited to none! Sometimes very popular kids havent been invited.

would you say she seems developmentally or size wise a lot younger than the other kids? Are these 3rd birthdays.

At my DS's nursery it's the staff who hand out invitations for parents - the invitations arrive without names so clearly the child/parent hasn't picked. Can you ask the room leader at nursery what their protocol is when approached by a parent re party lists?

I also want to say that I'm sorry you've been put in this position and I'd like to think that the majority of parents wouldn't not invite one child intentionally, especially not because the child is deaf.

But in covid toddler nurseries parents barely get the opportunity to speak to one another so I still don’t think this is a discrimination issue.

There is a nursery right beside my office. From about 5 there is a big group of parents waiting for their child to be brought out as covid restrictions bar them from going in. Plenty of opportunities to chat. And parents do gossip.

You can opine that it might not be a discrimination issue, that’s a possibility, but in my experience and that of other parents of disabled children, it is very likely. It is rarely deliberate, or done with malice, but ignorance and fear of disability is very real.

Even if it's just 13 in total, that's still a lot of kids to a birthday party.

Not for a whole class party at a hall or soft play etc. There were 28 in my daughter’s primary class. In the early years it wasn’t uncommon for these sorts of numbers to be invited.

I think whole class invites are missing the point.
He point is that they /and you have friends.
A whole class doesnt mean that. And actually it can be slightly unhelpful as a parent you thi nk everything is fine.. Probably a better focus is
are you and her being invtied to peoples houses or out at weekends? It sounds like your dc does have a friend so that is good.
Its a bit like a showy wedding when the issue is the marriage.

She started at this nursery in January and her birthday was in December

Could be that they sent out a class list in December for Christmas cards (our nursery did this) and your DD wasn't on it?