To want to know WHY my child isn't included

[Cakemamma19]

So my DC is 2.5 years old and has been going to nursery since 9 months old. DC has a few friends there and gets on pretty well day to day. DC has had birthday parties only small because thier birthday is in December and covid/lockdown was rife both years we celebrated. I recently learned that 3 children have had birthday parties at softplay and community centres and invited the rest of the class but not my child. Its upset me a little for my little one but more than that i am left questioning why my child isn't included. DC is absolutely lovely, gets on with everyone, is kind and very bright.
I cant think why they would leave her out.
my baby is deaf and wears double hearing aids so does struggle a bit with communication sometimes. I'm not saying this is the reason at all. But just don't want to drip feed . Should I mention this to any of the parents in passing or just keep my mouth shut? What would you do in this situation?

Of course the parents know the child is deaf, kids talk

think you’re massively overestimating the verbal abilities of most 2.5year olds. My DD is very verbal / vocal and there is no way she could explain to me that a child is deaf; or to say she doesn’t want me to invite a child because they’re deaf

Ive no doubt discrimination does occur but I don’t think for a moment that it does at 2.5 in the circumstances described

If she joined in January could it be that the parents used the class list that was likely sent out for Christmas cards that she wouldn’t be on? Because it’s not collection/drop off at set times at our nursery I could easily miss that another child had joined the group, and kids that age don’t always articulate the names of their friends well enough for parents to pick up on (I was convinced my daughters friend was ‘Zushra’. His name was Joshua.)

One of my children has additional needs so I know the worry. I’d concentrate on what you can do rather than fret about how it happened.
Go into nursery and ask them if there might be a reason dd was left out. Explain that you’re a bit worried about it and want to help her if there is a problem. Listen to what they say.

Ask for a list and have a “half way through the year party”, beach themed is good this time of year. Send out invites explaining that her birthday was during lockdown and inviting everyone to a meet up.

Honestly, I think you're over thinking this. Your child has only been there since January and doesn't go everyday each week. When my children were that age, I asked them/nursery staff who my DC played with each day, and they were the kids who we invited. I try to include the kids who have invited my kids to parties, but I guarantee we inadvertently miss a few. I doubt the other kids or parents have noticed that your DC is hearing impaired, they probably just don't know her as well as they do other kids.

I'd check your child is on the class list first and then try to find out if they were entire class party's, I'm not convinced anyone would leave 1 child out. There's someone in one of my children's classes and they have physical disabilities, everyone invites them to every party, sometimes they attend sometimes they don't depending on what it is. No one would ever exclude them on the basis of their disability, in fact we all try our best to include them.

Despite everyone being oh so confident it's not disability based, I assure you, once parents spot a difference, a significant minority are cocks and a huge number scared of dealing with anything atypical. So the child is excluded.

With an older child, I'm sure this happens but in this case with a 2.5 year old, the parents would also expect her parent to attend, so the host wouldn't be doing any dealing.

OP, I wouldn't approach the parents but do ask the nursery staff if there is a class list that your DD is not on.

Why the need to mention that she's 'very bright'? Do you go on about this to the other mums? Could be a reason for no invite

In my experience, parents of children with disabilities often feel the need to speak of their child's compensating qualities or skills. We shouldn't have to, of course, but we often do.

That’s a spiteful comment.

You didn't invite their kids to your DD's parties. (Understandable, given the timing!) Have you invited them to any other get together, i.e. have you ever played host yourself? Sometimes people won't invite your children until you've invited theirs to something, even if it isn't a full scale party.

Neither of my children got invited to any parties whilst at nursery. No back story it was just how it was.

I’m so sorry OP it’s heart breaking. My child has additional needs. Major speech delay and deafness in one ear. We’ve never been invited to a birthday party and none of the kids he invited to his turned up this year. Thank god his previous birthdays were in lock down. Nursery confirmed he’s a gentle boy, if a bit out of the loop. I overheard parents slagging him off at pick up a few weeks later. Saying he has “issues”.
People are ableist dicks to toddlers.

Until my child was about 6yrs, I’d only invite the kids who’s parents I am friends with to birthday parties. There’s no way I’d invite a 2 yr old toddler to a party if I didn’t know either of her parents. Usually at that age, parties include a few friends and plenty of relatives but definitely no all class parties. That really isn’t the done thing where I live.

I’m sure it’s much more likely in OP’s case that the other parents know each other and simply don’t know you. My friend’s son B has complex disabilities and is in a wheelchair but he attends the local village primary school and is a pretty popular child from what I’ve seen. It’s a small school and everyone plays with each other. My friend is a great host and kids love going to her house.

OP, what are you doing to get to know the other parents? Have you hosted any play dates? The mums who are more readily available and sociable tend to receive the most invites to parties and play dates.

You need to say ‘hello’ first and start a conversation rather than wait to be spoken to. We moved here when DS was 5 and I spent much of that first year inviting various kids to play dates in order to get to know the parents. Obviously, it’s that much harder when you work f/t so I recommend you use evenings and week-ends to build up a network of mum pals.

Holy shit! That's disgusting!!!!! I'm so sorry OP and @Mycatsgoldtooth - it can only be the parents. My kids would never treat any child with additional needs in such a crappy way.

If they did they would be corrected through discussion and awareness of the impact. All kids have something difficult about them anyway, even if it's just breathtaking entitlement.

I've asked a parent if they would like to stay at a drop and leave party - because I just wanted what was best for their son. It's really not hard.

for you both.

Most likely it's an error of omission. I had no clue what other kids were like at my kids' nursery, there's no child I would have even known enough about to think 'Ugh, I won't invite him/her', and IMO you'd have to be a bit of a tosser to exclude a toddler

I'm a teacher in a 2 year old class in a school.

Parents don't come into the classroom or the cloakroom. They don't see the children's names.
Most 2 year olds are not social or verbal enough to have particular friends or be able to tell their parents the names of who they play with.
Some parents are already friends or become friendly in the queue for the door in the mornings but most probably don't know each other.
We send out a list of names for Christmas cards, but if a child starts in January they won't have been on the list.

I have no idea if any of the children in my class have had birthday parties or have invited anyone from school. There have certainly been no 'whole class' parties. That seems very unusual at 2. More typically it is for 4th and 5th birthday parties.

Honestly I don't think anyone would invite a 2 year old to a party unless they at least vaguely knew the parent and had their number. How would you even get in touch with the parent otherwise?

Oh that's rubbish. I would mention it to the staff in the context of checking in that she's getting on okay with her peers. Maybe they can shed some light on it.

It's incredibly unusual to invite the entire nursery to a party, so I suspect the information you've been given isn't correct. But are you friends with these childrens' parents? I can't think of many birthday parties that happened when mine were in nursery (usually it starts when they are in school). But the handful of ones mine were invited to at that age were only because the parents were friends of mine (and we had been friends for years at that point).

I suspect they probably have no idea who your child is or what their name is in order to invite them and they probably don't want to have to make conversation with a parent they don't know at the party. I wouldn't assume it was anything more than that.

I'm just doing invites fro dd's party. i asked nursery for the names of the kids in her group. invites have been done, with my number to contact on.

they will get given to nursery staff and given to parents on pick up.

This happened to my eldest. She has ASD and struggled to make friends. She wasn't naughty, the other kids just said she was different to them and that's why they didn't like her.

She always invited everyone to her party (almost no one showed up every year, but she still wanted to invite them as it would be unkind not to) and she was always the only child not invited to everyone else's parties and they would hand the invites out in the class so it was even more hurtful for her to never receive one. We eventually stopped doing parties for her, despite her wanting to, as it was heartbreaking when only 5 or 6 would show out of 20-30 children. Parents can be just as mean, tbh. It's really upset me remembering this actually.

I hope yours is just a misunderstanding as it really affected my dd throughout her life. She was picked on for being odd and not enjoying typically girly things and they would wind her up and keep pushing until they got a reaction from her. The school never helped or sorted it; we moved her in the end.

I don't think class parties are that unusual - we've been invited to a few and planning to have one for DDs 2nd birthday - mainly so we can meet the other parents!

And I think we would probably know if there was a child with a hearing aid in her class - if it's visible then you could see it on the tapestry pictures.

I'm sorry your child has been left out OP. I'd suggest speaking to the nursery in case it's a thing with class lists as suggested by other pps.

(Our nursery do class lists at Christmas, just with first names - did you join after Christmas maybe?)

I have no idea of the names of DDs nursery class, well I could name 3 that she mentions in passing, but she’s only 2 and has only been going for two days a week for 6months, so quite similar to your situation.

I think you’re massively over thinking it.

I'd have thought 2/3 was very young for whole class parties, parents are more likely to go with what kids are in the same group or who's in nursery on the same days.

Schools and nurseries can be very wary of giving out lists of names incase they accidentally put a child at risk (ie children in care, or who have escaped a DV situation). So if there is a list it could easily be a parent who's gathered the names from other parents at the nursery door.

Is there another parent you’re friendly with? Ask them if there’s a WhatsApp group and get yourself in it.

If there isn’t one, check with the nursery if you’re on the class list. It’s probably only updated in September.

Yeah, my experience has been similar to @Mycatsgoldtooth She was a pretty good kid.in school; quiet, but really polite and kind; just different. School always commented on how polite she always was, but she didn't make eye contact well and was just a bit 'different'. Keen to please and always eager to make friends.