To want to know WHY my child isn't included

[Cakemamma19]

So my DC is 2.5 years old and has been going to nursery since 9 months old. DC has a few friends there and gets on pretty well day to day. DC has had birthday parties only small because thier birthday is in December and covid/lockdown was rife both years we celebrated. I recently learned that 3 children have had birthday parties at softplay and community centres and invited the rest of the class but not my child. Its upset me a little for my little one but more than that i am left questioning why my child isn't included. DC is absolutely lovely, gets on with everyone, is kind and very bright.
I cant think why they would leave her out.
my baby is deaf and wears double hearing aids so does struggle a bit with communication sometimes. I'm not saying this is the reason at all. But just don't want to drip feed . Should I mention this to any of the parents in passing or just keep my mouth shut? What would you do in this situation?

Nobody has said they have.

I very much doubt the deafness is the reason. These are children who are 2 and 3 years old. They're all alternatively crap, and brilliant communicators depending on context it's in their job description.

I think the key is definitely how the OP knows that this has happened.

When my DD was at nursery we were allowed to give invitations to the teacher to give out only if the whole class was invited.

I think this too - especially for soft play parties. I've been to several of those and held one and they've all been about 10-15 kids, not necessarily all from nursery, because it's quite expensive per place. The only ones I've known to invite loads are the village hall type where there's no real cost apart from more food to having so many, and even then it wasn't every child from the room at nursery.

I don’t understand these replies at all. I have a 2.5yr old DD who is in nursery and due to covid we have only just been allowed back in to the building. Prior to this, we had doorstep handovers.

I have absolutely no idea who is in her class. She comes home and talks about Mia and Evie and George but I have no idea if they’re her real friends or even in her class / the baby class / the names of her bears etc.

I certainly have no idea if there is a child in her class who wears hearing aids and would be manipulative enough to not include them in a party.

At 2.5 children have no idea if they’re excluded from a party. I can’t believe that people are having entire class parties and posters think that toddlers are manipulative enough to exclude a child based on disability.

This has to be a misunderstanding.

Glad it's not just me ShirleyPhallus. I know only what I see at drop off and pick up I don't think it's common at all to know who is in your child's room/group at nursery at this age let alone more detailed information such as if they are deaf.

I agree, @ShirleyPhallus - and thinking about it there isn't even really a concept of a 'whole class' at a private nursery like ours. I can see how there would be in a school nursery where everyone does set hours, but if we 'had' to invite every child on roll in the preschool room then that would include children that DS has literally never met because he goes 2.5 days a week and some children do the same or fewer hours but only at times he's not in.

She started at this nursery in January and her birthday was in December. Both times there have been lockdown restricted etc and she has only had a few close relatives. She was going to nursery from 9 months but moved from their sister nursery which isn't far away x

I didn’t realise it but I left about 4 kids out of ds party last year. I’d asked nursery for the class list and they sent it. Invites went out a month before. In that time more kids moved to his group.

You're definitely not being unreasonable to want to know why your child hasn't been included.

It could have been a genuine mistake, and as others have said, I'd suggest speaking to the nursery first to query any issues. You could even raise it with them directly incase they can shed some light on it - they should be just as appalled as you/us.

I totally understand and can sympathise regarding the hearing impairment. Both I, and my little boy are - and I'm absolutely dreading the exclusion that he is no doubt going to experience at times in his life. Unfortunately it is inevitable, but that doesn't make it right!

This is my experience too. I have a 2.5 year old. I haven’t been inside her nursery and don’t know the other children - except for seeing some of the other parents and children at drop off. My DD hasn’t been invited to any parties and as far as I know there haven’t been any.

Do some of the parents know each other from older siblings etc? I would just be really surprised if all the class was being invited to these parties at that age.

How did you find out everyone else was invited? I suspect that information is wrong as very uncommon to exclude one child.

I can't imagine it's due to her hearing impairment (really hope not 😒!). I just can't imagine that 3 sets of parents would be that cruel.

When I invited children from my DC's nursery to the one nursery party he had, I handed six invitations to the nursery staff and asked them to put them in the bags of the children he played the most with (I didn't have any contact details for the other parents). So your child would only have been invited to my DC's party if he played with her a lot - this seemed to me to be the fairest way to do it. I think that's what a lot of parents do in different ways - they ask the nursery staff who their children play with and then invite on that basis. On top of that, we invited family friends' children and children we knew from playgroup - we had around 15 children in total but didn't have room for more than around 6 from nursery! If it had been a 'whole nursery class' party (which would have been more than 35 in my DC's case so far too many for us to invite!), I would never have left one child out for any reason, especially at that young age and given they'd be accompanied by a parent who would be looking after them anyway.

I really doubt they were whole class parties as you have children on different days. We sent in some invitations with children's names we knew and a few blank ones for nursery to fill out and RSVPs came back from kids we'd never heard of.

Also after we held our first birthday party (missed two because of lockdown) DC got invited to more parties - either it's reciprocal or just because parents know our child's name now!

To ease your mind, just ask nursery whether there have been whole class parties because your DC didn't get an invite.

Is it a set hours type nursery or a drop off as needed for childcare type nursery?

If the latter, I'm not sure how you know that "everyone" was invited apart from your DD - maybe just a few children you've heard about? When my DD was that age she was in a room at nursery with 12 children and people either invited all of them, or only 2 or 3. Inviting 11 and not the 12th just wouldn't have been done - although I would have been dependent on staff to pass out invites/know the names of all the children in the room, so maybe your DC was missed by staff.

I would speak to the nursery. It's most likely to be a miscommunication somewhere.
Although if it is linked to her deafness, then I would be very disappointed in those parents in excluding your DD.

I'm sorry to say but it will be because of her deafness. It's absolutely shit, but I've seen it happen. People are still so scared of any form of difference.

Can we stop demonising these parents by implying they're all deliberately leaving out a 2.5 year old because she happens to be deaf. That's the most unlikely and illogical of all the suggestions.

This is so strange, I’ve never known a whole class party which just excluded one child.

I really hope it isn’t because she’s deaf, that would be awful. I think it’s worth trying to rule out other options first by checking if there’s a contact list your child isn’t on. Or is there a class WhatsApp group you weren’t aware of?

I would look at how the other children are invited? Is there a nursery WhatsApp group you aren’t on? Do the others have a peg or cubby hole and your child doesn’t, something along those lines. At 2.5 years old and at nursery, the other parents aren’t going to even know your child let alone exclude them.

How do the parents possibly know she’s deaf?! Most parents of toddler age children at nursery just don’t know the other kids in their child’s class!

I doubt every parent knows the child is deaf.
OP how did you find out? It can't be from your 2 year old.

I didn't think class lists were a thing now for GDPR reasons. Do you just get given the first name of a child?

My asd daughter hasn't been invited to a single party of her nursery friends and neither has another little boy who attends. He also has extra needs.

To the people suggesting it is unlikely to be because of the hearing impediment I would say that I hope it isn't but in my experience it most likely is.

There are lots of people who give lip service to inclusion but in reality don't practise what they preach.

My asd daughter hasn't been invited to a single party of her nursery friends and neither has another little boy who attends. He also has extra needs.

Genuine question but how do the other nursery parents know your child and this other boy have additional needs?

I wouldn't worry too much about the lack of invite but ask how she does interact with others at nursery. My own daughters is deaf and wears aids and to reassure yo its never been an issue with her making friends etc (at nursery they all wanted hearing aids like her and several parents came in to ask what my daughter had in her ears as they couldn't understand what their child was asking for). She is now at High School and loving life.
I think when you have a child who has a disability you are always over protective and looking out for these issues but I'm sure htey are not there.

One of my dcs wears hearing aids. It could be that. Some people are dickheads.