Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know WHY my child isn't included

184 replies

Cakemamma19 · 22/06/2022 20:31

So my DC is 2.5 years old and has been going to nursery since 9 months old. DC has a few friends there and gets on pretty well day to day. DC has had birthday parties only small because thier birthday is in December and covid/lockdown was rife both years we celebrated. I recently learned that 3 children have had birthday parties at softplay and community centres and invited the rest of the class but not my child. Its upset me a little for my little one but more than that i am left questioning why my child isn't included. DC is absolutely lovely, gets on with everyone, is kind and very bright.
I cant think why they would leave her out.
my baby is deaf and wears double hearing aids so does struggle a bit with communication sometimes. I'm not saying this is the reason at all. But just don't want to drip feed . Should I mention this to any of the parents in passing or just keep my mouth shut? What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 23/06/2022 03:56

It could be just a slip up, or it could be the deafness. Some people are just really crap at accepting differences, and making accommodations for them, even if they only need to be minor. So sorry this is happening!

kateandme · 23/06/2022 04:53

Cakemamma19 · 23/06/2022 01:47

I meant despite her being deaf she's doing well. And no, I'm not that sort of parent. I understand each child has their own way and meeta milestones in thier own time. If she's asked to do something by a peer she can lip read or interpret body language and follow instructions etc. This is what I meant.

Do you feel confident and no any of the 3 parents to be direct.no accusationary but really breezy and mellow.and allow yourself to be vulnerable in asking.how you noticed their dc had a birthday but have been told your d's was the only one not invited and you just wonder why.
If u say it neutral and calmly.it has no bitterness and setting up for a fight.they might talk you about it back.

WhereIsVillanelleWhenNeeded · 23/06/2022 05:17

my baby is deaf and wears double hearing aids so does struggle a bit with communication sometimes.

I think this is the reason unfortunately.

madasawethen · 23/06/2022 05:25

I'd find out if there is a list or something there. Are you friends with any of the other parents there?

I didn't know out of school preschool parties were a thing.

Nurseynoodles · 23/06/2022 05:38

I can’t fathom that people wouldn’t invite her because she was deaf. Three lots of parents to discriminate like that. I might be naive?

I would presume it was because she didn’t invite them to her party (with good reason) but some people are funny about that.

WalkerWalking · 23/06/2022 05:44

Is there maybe a WhatsApp group that you haven't been added to? Although if it were me, byt next question would be "but WHY wasn't I added?!!"

PinkStarAtNight · 23/06/2022 05:46

Up until I read that your dd is deaf I was thinking that perhaps the parents had a problem with you (I'm not sure how toddler parties work but I'm assuming you would have to be there aswell?) but after reading that your dd wears hearing aids and sometimes struggles with communication I'm now thinking this could be the reason they didn't invite - perhaps they were thinking it would be too difficult to look after dd?

I'm not saying this is right, but probably what people were thinking unfortunately.

I'm getting the impression that's it's upsetting you more than your dd? If you really believe what you said in your OP - that you don't believe its because of your dds disability - I'd say this whole thing was more to do with YOU feeling left out, rather than your dd. However I have a feeling you are anxious about how your dd will fit in with other children and you're upset that she's being left out because of her disability. If so, you need to know that there's a lot of people out there that aren't necessarily bad people but they will feel a bit out of their depth dealing with children who have a disability. From your OP I'm getting the impression that you try to pretend there's 'nothing wrong' with your child and that her disability is just a tiny part of her identity. While I understand this, I think its also important to accept your dds disability and how it affects her, and be open with other people about how they can best support her, rather than trying to brush it under the carpet and act like she's just like any other child.

If you changed your approach and was more open about your dds difficulties, maybe others will feel more able to cope with having her at an event AND your child will grow up learning that her disability is part of who she is - not taboo, not negative, not something to be mentioned at the very end of a paragraph like it shouldn't matter at all. It does matter and it will affect her, but it doesn't have to hold her back.

(I'm speaking as someone who has an anxiety disorder and a partner who is visually impaired and has hearing problems that he has to wear hearing aids for. I'm speaking from both of our experiences)

All the best OP

Soontobe60 · 23/06/2022 05:52

TulipsTwoLips · 22/06/2022 20:40

Does your nursery give out a class list? If so I'm wondering if your child isn't on it?

I’d hope they weren’t doing this! It’s a big no no from the pov of safeguarding.

thechiefstew · 23/06/2022 06:00

I’d ask the nursery staff if they know - I’d be shocked and disgusted if 3 x parents left a child out at 2.5yrs because she was deaf, parents usually stay with the child at that age so don’t think there’d be any concerns over communication. It’s most likely a mix up as at nursery they are so young they don’t usually have ‘friends’ it’s just whoever the parents choose to spend time with.

JudgeRindersMinder · 23/06/2022 06:00

Cakemamma19 · 22/06/2022 22:04

She only had her parents and grandparents/cousins at both her birthday parties because of covid/lockdowns

Although you has no alternative I think this might be your answer

firef1y · 23/06/2022 06:18

Unfortunately you're going to need to get used to this. My SEN child never got party invitations, despite me always being available to supervise him and he being a wonderfully friendly child with not a nasty bone in his body. The parents just didn't want to have a child with his additional needs "spoiling" things. His little brother though, gets lots of invites and thankfully most of those parents also invite and include his brother.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 23/06/2022 06:18

Cakemamma19 · 22/06/2022 22:04

She only had her parents and grandparents/cousins at both her birthday parties because of covid/lockdowns

I think this maybe the reason. The parents don't know why you didn't invite their child. Maybe they only invite if their kid has been invited.

Bournetilly · 23/06/2022 06:30

I don’t think it’s related to her being deaf, it’s unlikely they would even know this. My DD is the same age and I wouldn’t know this about other children in her nursery class. The other children would probably be too young to notice this as well.

I think it’s either to do with you not inviting them to your DDs birthday (I know you didn’t have a choice but they may not know that) or they have been given a list from the nursery and your DD has been missed off the list.

If you invite them to your DDs next birthday I’m sure she will start getting invites back.

MRex · 23/06/2022 06:30

It sounds really unlikely that 3 of them have invited everyone. When children are very young, invites are solely based on parents because the children don't really have more than one or two friends. If you weren't there, then how do you know who was? It would be interesting to know who told you this and how. Most likely there are a few mums who know each other from earlier baby activities, but they don't really know you, so they'd invited each other's kids but not yours. You'll probably find it was more like 6 kids from the class plus other kids known from baby activities, cousins etc.

Thevoiceofreasonable · 23/06/2022 06:37

How do you know that they invited the whole class and not your child? Who has told you this or how did you find out?

If you're relying on a 2 year old for your information, it's not going to be credible.

Meraas · 23/06/2022 06:37

I really hope it’s just a mistake and no one would be that cruel to exclude her. She sounds lovely.

If she's asked to do something by a peer she can lip read or interpret body language and follow instructions etc.

I didn’t know that was possible at 2.5.

muimpre · 23/06/2022 06:38

Years ago on a "mums night out" one mum approached me to say she felt embarrassed but her daughter didn't want to invite my son to her all class birthday party because he regularly punched her, and she wanted to tell. This was the first I'd heard of him punching anyone, and it didn't fit with his behaviour but I said I'd speak to him. I did and accepted his guileless denial. He wasn't upset at not being invited. Some weeks later we were at another kids party and she approached me to apologise. She'd clarified with her daughter and had wrongly identified my son as the puncher, it was a different boy.

There could be a misunderstanding

Darbs76 · 23/06/2022 06:43

Once you have a party and invite other kids they will probably reciprocate. It’s hard, my kids are 14 plus now but it does hurt the parent when kids don’t get invited to parties, especially if you wonder why one has been excluded. Get to know the other parents a bit, have a party yourself for your child this year and hopefully that will change things

Longt · 23/06/2022 06:48

How do you the invites were all the class excluding your daughter? Ie how sure are you?

Rosehugger · 23/06/2022 06:49

Whole class parties were only a thing in reception class and Y1 when DDs were little.

Beees · 23/06/2022 06:51

I don’t think it’s related to her being deaf, it’s unlikely they would even know this

This is similar to what I said earlier. My child is the same age and I know very little about the peers in his small nursery group, I don't even know all their names. There is a very high chance these parents don't know your child is deaf, so I doubt they are actively excluding her because of this.

NotQuiteUsual · 23/06/2022 06:55

My son had a severe speech delay in nursery. Smart as a button, but would barely talk. Not a single invitation came his way. Now he's a chatterbox he gets lots of invites. I think some parents are intimidated about disabilities and SEN, so just tell themselves whatever to placate themselves to avoid a conversation they think will be awkward. It's shit.

Sharrowgirl · 23/06/2022 07:00

How did the other parents get a list and contact details of everyone in the class? I would think that quite difficult in these GDPR days.

NotQuiteUsual · 23/06/2022 07:01

Also I'm sure people will say it's nooooothing to do with her being deaf. After all they wouldn't do that, so no one else would. Whether it's staff being handed a pile of invitations and them making the decisions or parents themselves. Most people don't realize they're doing it, but they do it. People think it's ok to make decisions on behalf of people with SEND. You'll have to get used to advocating for her untill she's able to do it herself.

Beees · 23/06/2022 07:04

Also I'm sure people will say it's nooooothing to do with her being deaf.

Well in this instance at 2.5 it probably has absolutely nothing to do with the fact she is deaf. I see 2 of my children in my child's group at nursery in the morning at drop off and 1 collects at the same time as me. I know nothing about the rest of them except what my child tells me which I take with a pinch of salt because he is 2. I suspect that's not uncommon at this age.