To want to know WHY my child isn't included

[Cakemamma19]

So my DC is 2.5 years old and has been going to nursery since 9 months old. DC has a few friends there and gets on pretty well day to day. DC has had birthday parties only small because thier birthday is in December and covid/lockdown was rife both years we celebrated. I recently learned that 3 children have had birthday parties at softplay and community centres and invited the rest of the class but not my child. Its upset me a little for my little one but more than that i am left questioning why my child isn't included. DC is absolutely lovely, gets on with everyone, is kind and very bright.
I cant think why they would leave her out.
my baby is deaf and wears double hearing aids so does struggle a bit with communication sometimes. I'm not saying this is the reason at all. But just don't want to drip feed . Should I mention this to any of the parents in passing or just keep my mouth shut? What would you do in this situation?

So she's actually only been at this nursery for 5 months, going a few mornings a week? If parents are working off a list given to them for christmas cards or a list put together from others birthdays/ group WhatsApp etc it is very easy to miss a child joining at this stage.
With a December birthday, and missing out on parties previously, I'd be tempted to have a half birthday party this year so you can get to know other parents

Are you sure every child is included? Do the birthday children go on the same day? Are you 100% sure it's not a group of parents who know each other pre nursery?

I agree with others that I wouldn’t have a clue if any of my child’s nursery friends had any additional needs, I might see some for a split second at pick up and drop off and never are their additional needs mentioned in front of other parents by staff. If I saw a child wearing hearing aids, I wouldn’t even know their name to exclude them.

If she started in January, is it as simple as people having a whole class list / WhatsApp group set up in September (is it a term-time nursery) so she's just not on the list?

Yeah same question. I don’t think many covid toddlers have been invited to many, if any, birthday parties?!

You can try asking the parents. (I did ) They won't reply because they know and they know you know that the real answer is: we don't want our darlings to mix with children who are not mainstream and neurotypical in every way. We don't want the hassle of making any accommodations for your child and we certainluy don't want our darlings to become close to your SN child so we have to continue to learn about someone other than us.

Where I live, in a wealthy area, there is also definitely an element of: I can't see how your child could be of use to us in future and we are building our network so piss off.

I am proud that both my ND children are thriving now, with great friendships and excellent uni grades. But between them they have one friend from nursery/primary, because at that age the friendships have to be fostered by parents too.

You're DC is 2.5 , You're overthinking this.
They don't really have friends as such at this stage, they play alongside others.

Its a very common reason for disabled children to be left out of social events.

That may or may not be the reason here but its really common for disabled children to be excluded because they are perceived as "difficult".

This is honestly nuts. The child is 2.5. The parents will have no idea if the child is NT or has any disabilities. The birthday child certainly won’t be able to articulate it.

Its a very common reason for disabled children to be left out of social events.

I'm not saying it never happens of course some parents sadly absolutely do exclude children because they have additional needs.

Myself and other parents of similar aged children are saying that in this specific scenario of a 2.5 year old child at a nursery the fact she has hearing aids is the most illogical and unlikely reason she has not been included.

So all the posters demonising these parents are doing so unnecessarily.

Could you mention it to staff and ask how she interacts with others at nursery, as you’ve noticed she’s been left out of 3 Children's birthday parties. Sorry it has upset you and there’s no way I’d discriminate against those children who have additional needs, they’d all be welcome no matter what.

OP - Who have you recently learned this information from about the whole class parties? You haven't answered that question.

The fact that it’s happened three times in a short period makes me think it’s may be a case of an incomplete list doing the rounds. It’s not outside the realms of possibility that one parent got an old/incomplete list then passed onto the other parents with parties coming up.

I imagine it is far more likely that there is some list or whats app group that you simply are not on

Maybe something was created in September that you are not on

Do any schools or nurseries actually provide lists? None that I know of do due to not wanting to share the info (GDPR and all that).

How do you know they're full class parties? Is it just through people talking or photos? Do you know all the kids in the group?

When I read the OP I was wondering if there was a disability and there was. Nobody seems to get it until you have a child with a disability. People will say it's not possible in nursery but it bloody is. Parents do this shit to little kids.

I'm sorry OP. Been there many a time.

This does remind me of one mum, who told me sadly that little X hadn't been invited to Y's party. I said neither had my DS and she said she saw a photo so he was there. It wasn't a party at all, a few of us met up in the holidays - and she'd even been asked if she wanted to meet but said she was busy, which is why she hasn't been given the details. She said she assumed we were just going to a playground. Well, ok.

When I read the OP I was wondering if there was a disability and there was. Nobody seems to get it until you have a child with a disability. People will say it's not possible in nursery but it bloody is. Parents do this shit to little kids.

I'm sorry OP. Been there many a time.

But how would these parents know that the child has a disability?

No one seems able to answer that question? They just seem to be jumping on the fact the child has a disability and therefore that must be why she's not been invited. That might be true if this was a child in a class at school but she's at nursery the parents most likely don't know her name let alone that she is deaf.

To the poster who asked, my DD has clear needs as she doesn't talk and wears chewable jewellery to nursery. She also jumps and hand flaps when excited as her little happy stimming. The other little boy has down syndrome. So in both cases they are noticeably different.

Sorry if I missed, but how do you know there was 3 parties and all the children had been invited except your DD?

Do you talk to any of the other Mom's? If there's someone you're close to (who hasn't excluded DD) you could mention it in a "I worried DD isn't settling in, I realise that there's been three whole class parties and she's never been invited. Do you think it's something we've done?"

But noticeably different to WHO? The parents very likely won’t even have seen other children in the class, much less even know their names. So how could your child / OP’s child be discriminated against in that situation?

Yes but all of that would only still be noticeable if the parents actually saw your child at drop off or pick up time.

There are several children in my sons class who I have only seen in a group picture. I wouldn't have any idea what they were like or if they were non verbal so would not know they had any additional needs. I also wouldn't know their names to deliberately not include them when sending invites.

Surely that's pretty standard at nursery age.

I wouldn't expect a 2 year old to be invited to a party unless i knew the parents or my child was particularly friendly with the party child. Its not usual to have a lot of children at a party at that young age in my experience.

1. How did you find out about the parties and are you certain that everyone was invited?

1. Are these parties for children turning 3, so your child school year? Or are they for children turning 4 and parents invited those children who are in the same school year?