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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband going to Glastonbury when I’m 35 weeks pregnant

153 replies

Firsttimetrier · 22/06/2022 20:02

My husband has been offered a chance to go to Glastonbury this weekend. He wouldn’t normally be able to go due to the nature of his work, but he’s got the weekend off.

Am I being unreasonable saying he shouldn’t go as I’m 35 weeks pregnant with my first child?

I’ve got gestational diabetes, had issues with reduced movements and discussing with my midwife if I’ll be induced at 38 weeks. So it’s not the easiest pregnant but I am aware I could still have 3 weeks before anything kicks off.

OP posts:
5zeds · 23/06/2022 07:41

There’s absolutely no reason for him to stay home and watch you gestate. The idea that you are going to leave a small baby for a week while you swan off on a hen do but can’t cope with your partner going away for a weekend before it’s born because you’re pregnant is crazy.

ZenNudist · 23/06/2022 07:43

You're unlikely to have baby this early. Let him go.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/06/2022 07:50

youcantparktheresir · 23/06/2022 07:34

Why?

Show quote history

@Léighméleabhair

why?!

MrsWooster · 23/06/2022 07:51

Ask his ‘high up in Glasto’ friend if there’s procedures in place for emergency contact and extraction if necessary-he can be in a taxi /transport and home within 4 hours. That’s more than enough time from a midwife /doc saying “I think we need to have you in”, which sound more like your situation than some dramatic waters breaking /birth in a car scenario.
if friend can reassure you, kick back and enjoy a peaceful weekend.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/06/2022 07:52

So long as you get to have a nice weekend away or something in return whilst he looks after the baby then I thinks it’s fine

Moonladyx · 23/06/2022 07:53

@Firsttimetrier I think you’re well within your rights to be anxious you don’t sound like you’ve not had the smoothest time with the GD and reduced movements and I’m guessing this will make your nerves worse. Can you not ask him if he can try and get the ticket from his friend again next year, I would be asking the question. xx

Moonladyx · 23/06/2022 07:56

@LuckySantangelo35 this comment also hits the nail on the head, 😂 it’s tough!!

Original poster
Firsttimetrier · 23/06/2022 08:34

So I discussed why I feel anxious about him going and it transpires there’s bigger issues in our relationship than just this.

When we found out I was pregnant, we said we’d save money towards my maternity leave so we weren’t struggling. He’s had a stag and an aboard wedding to pay for so he’s saved a quarter of what we agreed and I go on maternity leave in 3 weeks.

I said I’ve felt like I’ve taken on a lot of this pregnancy by myself with having to attend appointments, being in for reduced
movement and he’s not bothered coming in with me for, and just been more involved. So hence why I’m anxious as to him being away at this point.

He said he’s not ready to be a parent, so there’s that. 3 weeks from when I’m due to be induced and he’s not ready.

So I guess there’s more we need to discuss and work on than just him going to Glastonbury.

OP posts:
CredibilityProblem · 23/06/2022 08:39

I'm so sorry OP

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/06/2022 08:40

Oh god, so sorry OP. What a pathetic man. Flowers

BellsaRinging · 23/06/2022 08:49

I'm pretty independent,, had my first baby on my own, had trouble free pregnancy and birth and am usually pretty hard on women who say they can't cope on their own etc. But I can't believe the poll on this! I think he's definitely unreasonable. At 35 weeks you could give birth at any time, and he'll be in a field pissed up and possibly unconnectable for hours.
...and now I've read your update. What a tosser!

dolphinsarentcommon · 23/06/2022 08:56

So sorry OP. That's pretty shitty.

He really needs to grow a pair or take all his belongings to Glasto and stay there.

dianthus101 · 23/06/2022 09:03

Having read your updates, and the fact that it would be hard for him to leave Glastonbury quickly (even if sober), I do think he would be unreasonable to go.
It's all very well for the cool wives to say that it is unlikely that you will go into labour that early, but it's not that unlikely and as you have no family nearby you could end up with no support during labour.

TheThreadisMildlyAmusing · 23/06/2022 09:05

Wow, I've just read your update. So he's decided now is the time to drop that little bombshell on you, three weeks before you are due to be induced. Did he give any indication of his reluctance to become a parent at the time you found out you were pregnant?

I would find it hard to come back from his complete lack of support and now this. Even if I stayed with him I would never be able to forget or forgive his behaviour when I was at my most vulnerable and when I was so close to birthing our child. His behaviour is despicable. I'm so sorry Op.

WhatsWithAllTheCarrots · 23/06/2022 09:09

Sorry he's said this OP. On the other hand, at least he's communicated how he's feeling and so now you know what you're dealing with. It may just be a case of pre-baby cold feet, which I think is pretty common among dads to be? For a man, you're on the precipice of your life changing forever. For a woman, your life has already bloody changed because you've been pregnant for eight months and you've been accommodating and sacrificing things for your baby since the word go!

Keep talking it through. Why does he feel he's not ready? What's changed between when he decided he wanted to try for a baby and now? Are there specifics that are worrying him? It may be that you saying that you don't want him to go to Glastonbury (and you are totally within your rights to do that, I think!) has given him his first actual reality check that life will not be the same now - he is going to have a responsibilty to his family and can't just think about himself and his own needs all the time. I get that, I think it is a shock (I personally felt totally overwhelmed as a new mum with that feeling!) but obviously he can't opt out now so he's going to have to adjust his thinking and focus on WHY he wanted to have a baby in the first place, and think about the benefits rather than just feeling grumpy about the drawbacks.

Fingers crossed he will feel differently once the reality of your gorgeous little baby is here.

Also... have you only just found out that he's only saved a quarter of the agreed amount?!

billy1966 · 23/06/2022 09:28

I would contact your parents and fill them in on this prince you married🙄.

You are going to needd support and he isn't it.

How old is he?

Original poster
Firsttimetrier · 23/06/2022 09:46

@WhatsWithAllTheCarrots thank you.

I think it’s the reality that life will change once the baby is here. So it sounds like he’s getting cold feet and feeling a bit nervous.

I definitely do think it’s different for men as I’ve been going through this for 8 months and every day felt pregnant.

He said he understands how his actions haven’t been great and he’s willing to put the work in to step up.

He’s also made sure there’s an action plan in place if he does go to Glasto. He’s made arrangements for his friend (who doesn’t drink) to drive him back if anything happens whilst he is away. He’s also said he would be away from tonight and drive back early Sunday morning so he is here next week for scans and the consultant appointment, which is more reassuring.

Bit of an emotional whirlwind, but something we have to work through as we can’t change what has happened.

OP posts:
WhatsWithAllTheCarrots · 23/06/2022 09:54

@Firsttimetrier Ah that's great, it does sound to me as though he's listened to you and has thought through how he can both compromise on his own plans and make sure he can support you. Also it's wonderful that he's said he needs to step up. I'm a big believer in the fact that sometimes something crap has to happen in a relationship to force you to talk through things and reflect and adjust your behaviour for the better. Sounds like this might be what has happened here!

Keep talking to him - the lines of communication are open now and I think it's important that if he's feeling nervous about the reality of having a baby, he's allowed to express that and talk it through with you - but that he also needs to be mindful that the reality of it is that it IS happening and he needs to accept that and consider how he's going to make sure that you are well-supported and that he has an outlet. Maybe he has friends who are dads who he can talk to about his feelings?

5zeds · 23/06/2022 12:00

I think it’s inevitable that you “take on a lot of this pregnancy” because it’s YOUR pregnancy. You seem to have been muddled by the whole “we’re pregnant” vibe. Women get pregnant and carry babies. There’s really no need for men to come to appointments or scans and certainly no need to be sober and stay home more than a month before you are even due.

I’d be fairly unimpressed with “I’m not ready to be a parent” because frankly he’s going to be so he might as well get on with it.

Original poster
Firsttimetrier · 23/06/2022 12:53

@5zeds you don’t think partners should go to scans or appointments? You are deluded.

Being pregnant and carrying their child means they should be going to scans and appointments where possible. They should be attending things like growth scans, the 20 week scan etc as these are vital checks on the baby. Why should the women have to deal with that alone?

Every one of your comments has been rude, so don’t comment going forward as you are deluded and obviously have a stick up your ass.

OP posts:
KalvinPhillips23 · 23/06/2022 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Daisy62 · 23/06/2022 13:05

If he's going, I'd expect him to agree not to drink so that he could drive home. And to have some back up plans re the phone signal - maybe he could make the effort to phone you every couple of hours, even if it means going somewhere to get a signal.

If he can't agree to that, I'd ask him not to go - this baby is his too!

BobbinHood · 23/06/2022 13:07

Unless you’re feeling unwell I think it’s fine for him to go. Even though you’re being induced at 38 weeks (I was too, also for GD) that’s 3 weeks away. The amount of time the induction took, my DH could have gone to New Zealand and still got back in time before anything remotely interesting happened. I went away on a hen do myself at 36 weeks pregnant, it’s a good time to enjoy a bit of time to yourselves!

Original poster
Firsttimetrier · 23/06/2022 13:31

@BobbinHood Two weeks ago I was in twice for reduced movements and once was after a midwife appointment as she wasn’t happy when listening to his heartbeat on the Doppler. I also had high blood pressure three times when she did that, so there’s been some issues.

I’m having another appointment in about an hour, so that will help any anxiety of being left over the weekend and my husband will only be 30mins away, so can easily turn back if it all goes tits up like last time.

OP posts:
5zeds · 23/06/2022 20:16

@Firsttimetrier

@5zeds you don’t think partners should go to scans or appointments? You are deluded.
I think you’re muddling “need” and “should”. Lots and lots of partners can’t attend antenatal appointments or scans with their pregnant partners. Lots would like to but work/childcare/whatever gets in the way. Unless their pregnant partner lacks capacity or can’t physically get there without their support it’s a “nice to have”. There really aren’t any “shoulds” in this situation. YABU and most of the MNetters who’ve responded think so. It was good to ask the question but what are you going to do with the information that most partners would go with their partners blessing?