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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect dh to keep to his word regarding having the snip....

56 replies

QueenBhannae · 15/01/2008 12:37

My dh booked in for a snip before Christmas and his appt. is tomorrow.

He has just come home from work and announced he has cancelled the bloody appt. because he no longer wants to go through with it ffs.

We have 5 dc between us and the youngest two were very ill after birth and so we agreed no more.

I feel he is being a selfish fool but cannot force him.

He keeps mumbling about cancer and weight gain grr.

I went through 2 c-sections to deliver the last two and they weighed in at 12lbs 8oz and 12lbs 2oz and was discharged and travelling to Manchester the day after the last one as baby was transferred to nicu there.
I feel he does not recognise what a tiny thing this is in comparison and is selfishly putting himself first.

I do not want any more dc an asked to be 'done' at the time of my last c-s but they refused as I am young (26)and it is less effective when done at the same time as a c-s.

Should I book myself in and request it again or push him or just plain refuse to sleep with the b@stard ever again.

I have to go out now but will be back shortly.
Thanks in advance for any replies.

OP posts:

jesuswhatnext · 15/01/2008 12:40

keep saying no - that will focus his mind pretty quickly

soremummy · 15/01/2008 12:41

Mine done exactly the same thing! I had my baby at nearly 41 after a huge gap and he agreed that as this was the 4th child he would get the snip and then backed out at last minute! All men are cowards

brimfull · 15/01/2008 12:41

refuse sex

he is being selfish prick

babyblue2 · 15/01/2008 12:41

You have the right to think he's selfish but its a big deal for anyone IMO. I would never ask DH to have the snip cos I know he wouldn't want to. Its his prerogative to change his mind, perhaps not what he agreed to or what you wanted but its still his right.

I may have not have read your post properly but is sterilisation an option if you know you definitely don't want any more children?

nametaken · 15/01/2008 12:42

you took the words right out of my mouth

mymama · 15/01/2008 12:44

You need to talk about it. If he is scared of the procedure itself I would go with the sex ban (worked for me with my dh). If he is worried about not being "able" to have more children then you could think about having your procedure done as you are so certain that you don't want any more children.

Original poster

QueenBhannae · 15/01/2008 12:45

I did ask to be sterillised but was refused.

I know I cannot expect him to do something he does not want but what if I had turned round when my baby was due and said 'sorry, dont want a section' when faced with the emergency sections I had?

OP posts:

Original poster

QueenBhannae · 15/01/2008 12:46

off out now for definate, thanks for replies. Will be on again shortly.

OP posts:

babyblue2 · 15/01/2008 12:47

See I knew I missed something in your OP. I still stand with it being his choice. Hope you sort it anyway.

fedupwasherwoman · 15/01/2008 12:47

Either "shut up shop" until further notice or make him take full responsibility for all contraception from now on. He'll reconsider if he gets fed up of using condoms.

If he seems happy to use condoms, agree that if you ever have a condom failure he will get the snip as you will have to take the morning after pill or go through with an unwanted pregnancy.

Alternatively you could start hinting about having reconsidered and wanting another child and see if that makes him think it through a bit more.

He is being selfish

exbatt · 15/01/2008 12:50

Yes, he is being selfish, although it's one of those big decisions you really can't compromise on, so it's a tough one if you don't agree. If he really doesn't want more children but just doesn't want to have the op, it is selfish especially considering what you've been through.

I'm really surprised they didn't let you be sterilised - I know several mums, including my own sister, who were sterilised at the same time as a c-section when they were aged 26 or under. In each case they had 4-6 children and doctors agreed this wasn't a knee-jerk 'had enough children' request.

bubblagirl · 15/01/2008 12:55

its well known being sterilised is eaier than a man having the snip is this not an option?

i think i would prefer it as surgery is far less complicated and not half as painful

FioFio · 15/01/2008 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bubblagirl · 15/01/2008 12:57

sorry missed age but my friend is 22 4 dc and they did sterilise her as she kept on and was adament no more so maybe see another gp and ask to be sterilised

its not fair to push him into something that he is uncomfortable with

maybe you could have implant or coil seek other advise on reliable contraception depo injection or cerrazette pill all stop ovulation

Oliveoil · 15/01/2008 13:01

we have this (although we have not booked an appointment etc)

I want dh to have it, he is not keen

most of his friends have had it without any problems, one did have a slight problem, he is the one dh drones on about

BUT

it is his body and up to him whether or not he has this done imo

so YABU slightly

I do not want anymore children AT ALL, have had an emergency section and a VBAC with vontouse and stiches etc etc

BUT I sort of thing you sign up for childbirth and the delights involved when you decide to have a baby

doggiesayswoof · 15/01/2008 13:03

I think that's the wrong way round bubblagirl - I'm sure the snip is a much simpler procedure than sterilisation for women.

However I agree with others - if you are so sure, and he has changed his mind, then you should ask again about sterilisation. (Actually I can't believe they said no to you before - I would have been furious!)

In the meantime, no sex - it was his decision to cancel the appt, but he should still have to face the consequences of that decision. (I would also be furious about that however - my view would be: why should I have to go without sex too, just because of his selfishness?)

I feel for you.

bubblagirl · 15/01/2008 13:03

i thought pain wise vasectomy was worse only classed as easier as can be reversed easily either way there are many other options of contaception that can be explored first

but i dont think men are comfortable with losing manliness who knows id be nervous also look into injection or some other contaceptive

i'm on cerrazzette pill and stops me ovulating and cannot be affected by antibiotics either and if for some reason i miss one we use condoms or go without for a week

stripeytiger · 15/01/2008 13:06

Hi QueenBhannae. You don't mention how old your dh is? Do you think he is scared about the op itself or are there other issues that perhaps he feels uncomfortable with.

You say you have 5 dc between you, how many together and how many with other partners? You also said "I do not want any more dc" so does that mean you don't or was it a joint decision, presumably if he initially agreed and booked himself in for the procedure then it was a joint decision, but perhaps he is now having second thoughts? I agree to wait until the day before the procedure is cowardly and insensitive.

If it was me, and I knew that under any circumstances, even God forbid anything happening to my children, I still wouldn't have any more, and my other half was clearly dithering, I would go ahead and be sterilized.

Could you look at alternative contraception for a while to give you both a bit of time to think. Sounds like you are ready but he isn't quite.

Sorry if this is unhelpful, sometimes good to get a range of opinions.

Hope you get things sorted.

RibenaBerry · 15/01/2008 13:06

I think you are not being unreasonable in wanting it sorted, but can't force him to have surgery he doesn't want.

I would go with the route Fedup suggested and say that you are sick of being responsible for contraception (assuming you are. Most women are. Sigh) and that after x years and your DC, it's his turn. His choices are condom or snip.

RubyRioja · 15/01/2008 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doggiesayswoof · 15/01/2008 13:07

Problem is, all other forms of contraception have a risk of failure - 1% or 2% or whatever. Doesn't sound like OP wants to take that risk.

And sorry but I don't think a bit of post-op pain after vasectomy compares with recovering from a sterilisation.

Still as OO says - his body, his choice.

PortAndLemonaid · 15/01/2008 13:11

A woman's being sterilised is not easier, less complicated or less painful than a man's having a vasectomy. The NHS suggest vasectomy over female sterilisation specifically because vasectomy is, in their words, "less serious and much less invasive."

A female sterilisation can be done under local anesthetic in some circumstances, but is normally done under general. It requires an incision of several inches (less if you happen to be suitable for a mini-laparotomy, but most women aren't) and sometimes an overnight stay in hospital.

A vasectomy is almost always done under local anaesthetic. It will either involve two very small incisions (less than 1cm) and a few stitches or (in the case of a 'no scalpel' vasectomy) tiny punctures and no stitches.

Iklboo · 15/01/2008 13:13

Rent the film Hard Candy and then tell him you'll re-enact it if he doesn't get his tubes cut

RosaLuxOnTheBrightSideOfLife · 15/01/2008 13:16

My DH has had the snip. It was a minor operation and he had a bit of bruising for a few days afterwards. Your DH is being a wuss. Sex ban until he comes to his senses.

RibenaBerry · 15/01/2008 14:06

I think part of the problem here is that you don't know why he's changed his mind. It could be a lot of things. Men are often not good at expressing their emotions.

He could be less sure than you about not having any more children together.

He could be dwelling on all sorts of worst case scenarios. If you left him, might he want children with a new partner. If (heaven forbid) one of your children needed pioneering stem cell surgery from umblical cord blood, would you want more kids then. There might be all sorts of armageddon scenarios in his head that he's too scared to share with you. It's a very final solution to contraception (which I know is the appeal, but also makes it scary)

He could just be being a wimp about the operation and need some support, or a sex ban!

Those different concerns need handling in different ways. Do you think he will open up about why he's changed his mind?

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