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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect dh to keep to his word regarding having the snip....

56 replies

QueenBhannae · 15/01/2008 12:37

My dh booked in for a snip before Christmas and his appt. is tomorrow.

He has just come home from work and announced he has cancelled the bloody appt. because he no longer wants to go through with it ffs.

We have 5 dc between us and the youngest two were very ill after birth and so we agreed no more.

I feel he is being a selfish fool but cannot force him.

He keeps mumbling about cancer and weight gain grr.

I went through 2 c-sections to deliver the last two and they weighed in at 12lbs 8oz and 12lbs 2oz and was discharged and travelling to Manchester the day after the last one as baby was transferred to nicu there.
I feel he does not recognise what a tiny thing this is in comparison and is selfishly putting himself first.

I do not want any more dc an asked to be 'done' at the time of my last c-s but they refused as I am young (26)and it is less effective when done at the same time as a c-s.

Should I book myself in and request it again or push him or just plain refuse to sleep with the b@stard ever again.

I have to go out now but will be back shortly.
Thanks in advance for any replies.

OP posts:

lulumama · 15/01/2008 14:10

i imagine his reasons for refusal are more complex than he wants to let on.

and at 26, you could well change your mind re more children in 10 years time !

is he a similar age?

DH and i were discussing this... he is 35, i am 32, we do not want more DCs, but neither of us want to be sterilised, in case anything happens to either of us, and the other was in a new relationship, or in case anything happened to either DC ( heavens forbid )

can you get a mirena coil, it is very , very effective?

i see whre you are coming from re the birth, but the sections were to save your babies, and this is an optional surgery.. which carries risks, like any other procedure

i doubt he is changing his mind just to be selfish or annoy you

lulumama · 15/01/2008 14:10

total x post with ribenaberry !

ConnorTraceptive · 15/01/2008 14:15

Every time I bring up the subject with dh he just says "Well what if my girlfriend wants kids?" (ha f*cking ha )

RibenaBerry · 15/01/2008 14:16

oops lulumama

babyblue2 · 15/01/2008 14:25

I don't think its fair to impose a sex ban to emotionally blackmail someone to have a procedure that he doesn't appear to want. There are other means of contraception. I understand the reasons for the OP to want her DH to have one, but if it was him doing the emotional blackmailing I imagine the responses on this thread may have been quite different.

doggiesayswoof · 15/01/2008 14:30

I don't think a sex ban in this case would be emotional blackmail though. Not if you are so terrified of getting pg again that you cannot face having sex unless you know it's 100% safe.

(And OP is not refusing him, she is just asking what to do)

babyblue2 · 15/01/2008 14:37

I agree she hasn't said she is definitely going to refuse him but neither has she said she cannot face sex until she knows its 100% safe. Most who have suggested she impose a ban have commented that he is selfish, therefore refuse him sex to get him to have a good think about his actions.

lovecat · 15/01/2008 14:40

Are you using contraception at present? You don't mention it in your OP... perhaps explore other methods?

I don't see how you can force him into an op he doesn't want, and I think withholding sex is likely to make him feel even more resentful/pushed into a corner.

I used to work with a lady who, because her partner had been 'made' to have the snip by his ex, had to undergo IVF/ICSI (and he had to have a very painful operation to extract sperm from his testes) in order to have a child of her own. A relative of mine's marriage broke down over this very question (she refused to use contraception of any kind, had 2 kids, decided enough was enough, nagged and pushed him into an op he didn't want and in the end he walked out on her a very bitter man). Whilst these are extreme examples and I'm not for one moment suggesting that these are your circs, no-one really knows what's in the future, so personally I can see why he may not want to have the op.

foofi · 15/01/2008 14:44

I think it's probably just last minute nerves - perhaps he could talk it over with a doctor or something?

Original poster

QueenBhannae · 15/01/2008 14:50

Hi all, am back.

STRIPEYTIGER-dh is 48 this time and does not want any more children either.We have discussed the option of the snip since I was refused sterillisation and he was all for it.

He has two children(23 and 21) from a previous marriage and I have a 7 yrold then we have two together one aged 2 and one 5mths old.

It was the two we have had together that have suffered after birth and ds has ongoing problems.
This brought us to the decision that it would be unfair to chance another baby,evn though I would not be unhappy if I were pregnany again.
It would be selfish and irresponsible of us both to risk it.
It was the medical opinion that ds was 'just one of those things' and so we had our dd but the same thing, only worse, happened to her.

I have decided to make an appointment to discuss my being sterilised but will not tell him yet.

OP posts:

MrsDandOllie · 15/01/2008 14:52

While I agree that you cant force him to go through with it, I can completely understand why you are fuming with him for only telling you the day before that he has cancelled the op when you have discussed it and had it agreed for ages!
Doesnt give you a lot of time to arrange alternative contraception so I dont see why you shouldnt say no sex until you have discussed his reasons why and decided on an alternative and got that all sorted out! That should help you to get to the bottom of his reasoning as well and find out if he has serious misgivings about it or whether he has just had silly last minute nerves and bottled it!!

lovecat · 15/01/2008 14:53

Well, in that case ignore my previous post - but I do think you might need to talk to him a bit more about this, otherwise it could lead to resentment on your part if you have to go through a major operation when he could get away with a fairly minor procedure.

PetitFilou1 · 15/01/2008 14:56

I think it is a bigger deal than you think (though I would be just as annoyed at this last minute thing)
My dad recently told me he had complications (internal bleeding) for 18 months afterwards. He said it was like a pea and a grapefruit (whatever that means - it was getting towards tmi for me!) He knows of two other friends who had the same problem.
My dh just says it feels so final and he's not ready for that yet. He actually said 'what if something happened to you and the kids' meaning he would want the option to start again. Still at least he's honest!

MsHighwater · 15/01/2008 22:20

Don't have sex unless you are confident in your contraception but don't withhold sex to punish him for this. Neither of you wins that way.

Tell him it was not fair to leave it to the last minute before telling you he'd cancelled. Then ask him to tell you why he waited until then.

If you REALLY want to be sterilised, then ask and ask and ask until your doctor agrees to it. Your body, your choice.

His body. His choice.

Emprexia · 16/01/2008 12:55

I hate to be the voice of dissention... but i think you're being unfair.

My reason being some friends of mine decided after 4 children by 27 that they didn't want anymore, she asked for him to have the snip and he went through with it.

2 years later the marriage broke down and now he's trying to get a reversal as his new wife wants children.

I do understand where you're coming from, but if you're sure you're done, have your tubes tied.

CarGirl · 16/01/2008 13:00

I don't think you should get sterilised because you are so young. What happens if your dh dies (heaven forbid) and you remarry and want children with your new partner - hopefully without the risks of what happened to your Ds & dd?

seeker · 16/01/2008 13:18

How would you feel if he insisted that you were sterilized against your will?

Just a thought.

chipmonkey · 16/01/2008 14:14

have to agree that no-one should be made to go through with a procedure they don't want. And sterilisation is a huge deal, irreversible in a lot of cases and you would want to be 100% sure you did want it before going ahead.

HonoriaGlossop · 16/01/2008 14:41

I agree with others who say that it's his body so there is a limit to how far you can 'insist' on this.

However I also think that, having borne the children, you've bloomin' well done enough! I wouldn't consider sterilisation myself and I certainly WOULD see this as the least he can do if you both don't want more kids!

I think a heart to heart is needed to really get his motivation.

cory · 16/01/2008 17:29

I am influenced by the experience of a close friend of mine whose wife went to a great deal of trouble trying to talk him into having the snip. For some reason he never got round to it. Six months later, the marriage had broken down, for totally unrelated reasons.

Original poster

QueenBhannae · 16/01/2008 17:58

I am not trying to force him into the snip-he voluteered and then backed out.

I have been to the doctors today and she has told me to ask my dh if he will consider it again lmao.
I explained the situation but she has basically refused to put me forward until I have thought it through more as I am young.

I can understand this but am frustrated at not being able to resolve this quicker. I have another appointment for a months time.

Dh was set from November to go ahead with this and it took til Jan to get the date.

I will not be having sex with him until this is sorted as it is not worth the risk imo.This is not punishment as I am sure my imagination stretches to more than missionary but eliminates the chances of my having to inject myself with insulin 9 times a day through an unwanted pregnancy and deliver another sick baby.

Thanks for your comments everyone.

OP posts:

clam · 16/01/2008 18:35

If we turn this one on its head for a moment...... what if a woman intended to be sterilised, but changed her mind at the last minute? Wouldn't we be supporting her decision and berating a DP for hassling her about it? It is quite a big decision, and usually irreversible. He may just be saying "not yet" not "never."

janeite · 16/01/2008 18:43

I think you're being unreasonable to be honest; he may well be scared and it's not something he can be forced into doing. Birth control is the responsibility of both of you, so for now you need to find something else that you're both comfortabe with. He may change his mind later, especially if he thinks it's his decision.

Original poster

QueenBhannae · 16/01/2008 19:32

It was his decision to go for the snip.
I respect his right to change his mind but am mightily pissed off that for the last couple of months we have had this down as our solution and consequently adapted our sex life until the op had been a sucess.

We now have to go through the whole rigmarole again(see my previous post)and wait additional time until this is sorted.

He was a sneaky coward to cancel the appointment without talking through it with me first (which had situation been reversed I would have done)and to let me believe that this was what was going to happen right up until the last minute.

I am frustrated and angry atm as I would like to get back to normal service but still love him and have not harped on at him about this.
He is unable to give me a solid reason for changing his mind.
I maintain that he is a unreasonable selfish idiot for not wanting to go for the procedure but to want to resume full intercourse.

I will take responsibility for contraception(again)but medication for pcos increases my fertility so would be in need of something more effective than condoms.

Ive happily vented on here as it prevents me from 'hassling' him irl.

OP posts:

Ubergeekian · 16/01/2008 22:11

Would you consider having a hysterectomy? For many men, that's how big a deal vasectomy is - it strikes at the very core of maleness and manhood.

On the up side, of course, it's so much safer for men who've had the snip to have affairs. Perhaps that would persuade him?

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