To feel sad/annoyed by the lack of dads on the class Whatsapp group

[fremsley]

My daughter is starting reception in September and a Whatsapp group chat for her class had already been created. The membership consists entirely of mums, with the exception of my husband and (as far as I can tell) one other dad. Certainly the only active contributors are mums. My husband wants to be involved as he is very hands-on, but we both feel awkward about the lack of dads. The current nursery group chat is the same. I must admit, I find myself feeling irritated, disappointed and quite sad that things are this way in 2022. Seems to be a lot pressure on mums to manage this side of things. It feels uncomfortable to me. AIBU? What is your view of dads in these groups?

Also, I would be interested to hear others' experiences of class Whatsapp groups in general: do you think 'no dads' is the norm? If you are in one, are there any dads in yours? What kind of area do you live in (e.g. city/small town/rural)? Asking that last question because this is a small village school and I am very curious to know whether schools in more rural locations are more 'traditional' in comparison to cities. A friend who lives in a city known for its liberalness told me there are dads in her class group chat.

Yes, I am very aware of the irony that I am posting this on a website called MUMSnet!

There's a few dads on ours and they post as often as the mums. So many non-uniform days/bring a jar day etc I find it really helpful. There's no inane chatter on ours tho!

YANBU. Our what's app group is all mums, the PTA is all mums. However, the dads do pop up when a suitably important role appears. Over half the applicants for a vacancy to be a school governor last year were male - including ones with none of the requested relevant experience and one with a single child who was one term into reception!

To the pps saying their partners don't want to be on the group - do we really think that all mums are skipping with delight? I suspect it is rather that the mums are carrying the mental load for school activities and recognise this will help, and the dads feel subconsciously that it is beneath them, or they shouldn't have to be concerned with such mundanities as party arrangements, returning lost jumpers, arrangements for trips and summer fairs and whatnot.

Yup, I've noticed this too.

This improves with time ime. Reception-aged children are still basically toddlers and so clearly are wimmins work 🤔

You'll be amazed at how the dads come out of the woodwork once Football tournaments and Rugby matches rear their head. And once secondary school places, and GCSEs and scholarships and Uni visits and other things they can use their kids to compete with come up they become positively enthusiastic!

No but seriously, I have 3 kids and there's always been 2/3/4 dads on each but it is increasing - I have always forced my DH to be on them whether he likes it or not and, tbf, he handles the many sports and club related ones that will crop up once they get older. It's usually the single dads apart from the odd one like mine living with an extreme feminists :) but you'll also find another crop will turn up once the mother flip outs and splits and dvorces start happenning. There normally comes a point in about year 4/5 where the mothers get pissed off, get new jobs whatever and the fathers have to step up on the pick ups and drop offs and suddennly they are on there so they can ask the other mothers where they are supposed to be, at what time.

By the time secondary school comes round both schools I have experience of allocates someone in a GDPR compliant manner and they then add all the parents they get permission for, irrespective of sex.

Ours has a few dads, but probably 75% mums, 25% dads. My DH isn't on but then he does 90% of the "wife work" for the toddler. Where as I do 90% of the "wife work" for the older DC. Very affluent area with a lot of SAHMs by choice so naturally they will be more involved then their full time working partner.

The PTA is actually fairly evenly split men:women.

I find it really useful. There is very little chat and it is much more of a noticeboard. Yes we get emails and newsletters sent out but it does help to get a text reminder in the morning.
Also easy to arrange playdates as I never pick up at 3pm so don't meet the other parents often.

If it wasn’t for the class WhatsApp, my kids would have:

-missed some non-uniform / odd socks days because the reminders mean I haven’t forgotten.
-missed invites to parties and events that have come exclusively through WhatsApp.
-struggled with some homework assignments because we couldn’t easily get advice from other parents whose kids were struggling with the same task.

Just this week I’ve clarified dates for an event that was miscommunicated by the school, received a party invite, saved money by joining in a group uniform purchase, discussed what days children are attending summer holiday clubs so DC can attend with their classmates.

I’m never at the school gate as i work full time so this is how I communicate with other parents.

Surely it depends on how the group was set up.

If all parents were given the option to join but only the mums (or overwhelmingly the mums) did so, then that's a sad indictment about paternal involvement on a societal level.

If someone took the initiative and set the group up only inviting the mums, then that's overtly sexist.

Totally agree with you OP.
My DD’s class have never had a WhatsApp group, however the same sentiment applies to lack of dads helping at the school fete, being helpers on school trips, making cakes for the bake sales etc
DD’s class have always had Class Reps, where 2 parents each year are expected to volunteer to pass on all the random stuff from the class teacher and school re trips, plays, etc. The first few years it was always two mums, and I did make the point via email to all of the parents and the school that it might be nice if the dads stepped up to do it.
i think there were 2 years when dads were involved, but it’s now reverted to just being mums again 😬

This sort of shit annoys me no end.
The demographic round here is very much a lot of SAHM’s, and the majority of Dads rushing off to their Big Important Jobs, and can’t possibly take time out of their big important day!
I run two businesses, and still managed to find time to help on endless trips, help at the fetes etc etc etc
Tbh, regardless of the male/female thing, it always tends to be the same people who help at events, trips and so on.

I can't see how WhatsApp is a middle class thing? Eh?
It works perfectly well for me. The school didn't set it up - parents organised it ourselves. Much better than a Facebook group. I'm sure a couple of parents mute it but that's up to them. I find it useful. There isn't too many notifications and we all get on quite well.

This makes you feel sad......really?

Why?

My ex husband is not in my children's lives. People have lots of different reasons why mum looks after this stuff.

Ha! That's a very interesting point about the 'suitably important role' and the overestimation of their eligibility.

At a village C of E in England where I was only one of two WOH mothers out of a class of 27 children, no fathers whatsoever on the class WhatsApp — having said that, I only found out it even existed nearly two years after it had been started — now, in an Irish inner city school, there’s a broad mix of parents of both sexes at the school gate and on the class WhatsApp. Virtually everyone works outside the home. Skewed slightly by two kids in DS’s class having two dads.

DS’s former class WhatsApp was inane to the point that I turned off notifications and just checked periodically. His current class group is friendly, and posts are pretty much just questions about homework etc.

Oh and this week I got summer childcare sorted for a tricky bit of August by asking on the group what camps people were using. I had found nothing available online, but had a great solution in minutes from the class WhatsApp.

@CupidStunt22 its not comparable to the internet is it, basically most seem to use them as they forget when non school uniform is or basics like that and they are mostly used by middle class schools so how do all us poor working class manage without
But point being is they may be useful but no one should feel they have to join or are judged as a shit parent because they don't want to be on the class whats app group as many on here are doing

No dads on ours. It’s quite helpful. People use it if they’re running late, clarifying homework, events at school, organising thank you gifts. Our school is quite bad for changing dates as well and there’s four platforms that they may or may not have posted on so things do get missed but usually someone spots it somewhere and posts it in the WhatsApp group. It’s also good for doing party invites because you’ve got all the numbers. Never had any drama or bitching in four years. When I was at school in the nineties there wasn’t much in the way of social events and afterschool activities. I think school has changed a lot since then.

My husband doesn't even know what time the kids finish school. He definitely wouldn't use a what's app group. I've never thought about it really.

@Stompythedinosaur then why don't they say no then , I would
How are people arranging playdates on class whats app, why does everyone else need to know or are you messaging privately , therefore not using the class whats app anyway ?

Ha ha yeah it's not the first choice fir us either is it. Luckily not on class WhatsApp but face book groups. Started off as a reception one and has gone all thru right up to yr 6. 99.9 percent useful with reminders and questions being answered etc. School can be a bit email happy and useful information gets lost amongst a see of emails. Many of us have older kids in high school so 2 lots of schools emailing constantly, well.you do end up grateful for the reminders trust me. I dont think.it occurred to xp once to join . Or even ask.what was going on..school seemed to all.be down.to me. I even.had to stop asking him.to come.to.parents evenings as he merely whinged and git embarrassing.

There are a few dads but yes it is very clear it's the women navigating most of it. Interesting to see it's been stereotyped as dramatic and iver involved nonsense as a result of it being mainly women. Perhaps we work and are busy and appreciate the reminders whilst juggling 2 kids in 2 schools and work and etc. None of the mums in the group appear to be sitting around being dramatic. They are merely in the same busy work mental load boat as the rest of us.

Also on one set up for the secondary school our kids are due to start in September. And I'm.pleased to see the beginnings of action being discussed over the 28 pound school skirts.

Read it don't read it its entirely optional. The judgment is un called for though. Of the dad's aren't contributing so much don't have a go at the wonen who find them useful . I mean why so keen on removing resources for mums already taking far to much of the.mental.load. that's not gonna.make the dads join is.it. they get to laugh at it all because they get to leave all that side of things to us they don't see the value.

How do you feel about Mums nights out OP? That's the real killer question? Should dads be excluded?

@Whoatealltheminieggs mine have only just left and plenty of social things but schools posted on website , sent messages, facebook
If school sites are getting it wrong how is one mum on whatsapp then getting it right, surely they get the info from same place
I would not want all the mums to have my number either its personal and I only give it to those I want to have it

I mean I ask myself why I end up doing more of the parental ‘stuff’ too.

Partly it’s just slipping into a habit.
Partly it’s aligning (unconsciously) to social norms
Partly I think ‘parenting’ has become a more central part of how I define myself/my self-worth than it it has for DP, so I find it more rewarding than DP does (so on one level I resent it but on another it’s an achievement)

DH does about 95% of school pickups and drop offs here but I'm the one who is on the class whatsapp because DH is an anti social bugger really. Ours is actually primarily used for:
Can anyone photograph the spellings so my kid doesn't get out of learning them because they left them in school?
Anyone going to the park after school?
Anyone up for a night at the pub?
And arranging childcare support if things happen like school closures (the plumbing forced this once this year and people sorted out kids among themselves so others could still work) or people get delayed en-route.

Our school's communication is good - but they really can't decide on a platform to do it so people can tend to miss stuff between the combo of scrunched up paper letters, emails, texts, app messages - so it's handy in that regard too.

There are several dads on ours. I think some families don't see the need for both parents to be on it and forward messages to their partners as appropriate. I asked for partner to be added as easier if both see messages and one of us can action as needed. Same for school comms. A few others asked the same. I find the group mainly useful, but sometimes overkill. There are always a fair few dads at drop off/pick up or taking to parties, so it is a bit strange that more aren't on the group. I also find that school tend to call the mother first for illness etc and wait for a call back instead of calling the father straight after if no reply, which I find strange, given that it's often working women making the call.

Surely that's easily avoided by not, you know, mansplaining in the first place