To feel sad/annoyed by the lack of dads on the class Whatsapp group

[fremsley]

My daughter is starting reception in September and a Whatsapp group chat for her class had already been created. The membership consists entirely of mums, with the exception of my husband and (as far as I can tell) one other dad. Certainly the only active contributors are mums. My husband wants to be involved as he is very hands-on, but we both feel awkward about the lack of dads. The current nursery group chat is the same. I must admit, I find myself feeling irritated, disappointed and quite sad that things are this way in 2022. Seems to be a lot pressure on mums to manage this side of things. It feels uncomfortable to me. AIBU? What is your view of dads in these groups?

Also, I would be interested to hear others' experiences of class Whatsapp groups in general: do you think 'no dads' is the norm? If you are in one, are there any dads in yours? What kind of area do you live in (e.g. city/small town/rural)? Asking that last question because this is a small village school and I am very curious to know whether schools in more rural locations are more 'traditional' in comparison to cities. A friend who lives in a city known for its liberalness told me there are dads in her class group chat.

Yes, I am very aware of the irony that I am posting this on a website called MUMSnet!

It's a reflection of care-giving organisation within a family, but the reasons for that from household to household within society are complex.

What is depressing is when ocasionally it's felt that it should be a mum's only group.

Class whatsapp has it's uses especially where many parents don't get the chance to communicate at the school gates. We've recently found it handy for organising lifts for a trip to cut out rapidly inflated coach hire prices that weren't worth it for a local journey.

The two I'm on are fairly functional and don't have much drama. If there was, I'd mute it and check where necessary.

@soundofsilver but we all managed without these things? I mean schoos have websites nowadays with all info in black and white
And i made friends with ds friends mums, the ones i wanted to
Mine are only 16 & 18 so not that long agO , we all survived quite well on communicating in all the other numerous ways

Have the people who can't see the point of class WhatsApp groups never been on an "oh shit, I/child A have chickenpox/Covid/D&V, how the hell do I get child B to school?" thread?

Glad it’s not just me, when you say on here you’re not on a class WhatsApp group people think it’s very odd! They don’t seem to be a “thing” at my kids school seems to be another MN thing that I haven’t heard of irl 🤣

@AquaticSewingMachine by that sentiment then why are people moaning about dads not on it, they have simply chosen not to be as they don't want to
I wouldn't want to but prob would of been hassled by other mums so felt i had to , men don't tend to that to each other

Indeed we did. Yet all of a sudden it needs not one parent but two to be on them.

Some posters are being very obtuse here!

I agree with you PP.

Agreed - it's the mental workload/emotional labour aspect. The group chat may seem trivial but it's part of that labour for sure. Of course of it's a reflection of broader societal trends in how family life is managed. Think what go to me about this in particular is that it's such a simple thing the dad could get involved in even if busy working FT, etc.

And life was sustained without the internet too. Hell, life went on when we didn't have telephones and had to send letters. Or carrier pigeons. So what? Now we do have these technologies, and most people aren't going "looking things up at the library was fine for me so it's fine for my DC, they don't need Google!"

We have one for nursery. It's almost exclusively mums. One dad.

Our friends children also go there and it is the nursery owner (very small setting of about 15 children) who set it up. She has contact info for both mums and dads yet only ever adds the mums automatically. Dads have to request it.

I didn't realise for months my husband wasn't getting the updates as I'd see our male friend reply to things so assumed dads were in it. When DH asked where we all got all this info our friend replied "oh the mums chat. I had to request to be added!"

I get it op - it's the assumption that mum will handle it all / act as family PA that's annoying.

To answer your last question, we are rural!

@AquaticSewingMachine its not anywhere near the same though is it, its a choice to join a group . Its a very middle class school that do whats app groups anyway in real life
Yet your judging dads for not joining something that is a choice , your child won't fail at school if dads not on the whats app grouo

Our school encourages class WhatsApp groups, they’re used for reminders, queries etc.

And yes, it’s nearly all mums. We are in a fairly affluence area where both parents tend to work, and it is a striking example of how the mental load associated with children tends to fall on women.

I often wonder how me and my partner - who pre-kids really conform to any ‘gender norms’ in our division of labour have ended up where I’m the one organising all the kids activities. I think the pattern just gets set through pregnancy and maternity leave and before you know it, it is a decade later and you’re the one getting all the phone calls from school and arranging the nativity costumes, despite the fact you both work full time.

@WingingIt101 so why have you not gone in and said to her you think she should add mum and dads or at least offer ?

*didn’t confirm to gender norms that should say. Because I am sat here looking after a sick child while my partner is working.

Where i live there js hardly any whats app groups in the school not whole class anyway as we are in a working class area and its just not a done thing
There may be some mums who have an odd little group, def a mumsnet middle class thing more so than across the board

It's not just Primary either. Went to a school Health and Emotional Wellness session at DD's school a couple of weeks ago. It started at 6pm, 60 mums not a single dad.

Agreed - it's a pattern established in pregnancy/maternity and reflects broader trends. Just curious about this particular example as it's such a simple thing dads could get involved in to help redress the balance.

We've only had one WhatsApp group over the years. No drama, and no point actually! Two dads were members though, they were probably the most prolific people in the group.

@FishfingerFlinger why ? Only you can change that
I mostly stayed home but purely because my job was more flexible and if had to loose wages it was less to loose
But my dh did stay home too and when he managed to get a more flexible job he took on more of a share
He was complaining the other day though how women in the office get more time off to attend kids etc and when men ask its more often a no
Also he said like time off when kids were born he would of loved to have been able to take more paternity time with kids
More jobs need to have a little more flexibility when they can for both sexes

There are loads of dads on ours, and also loads of dads doing drop off and pick up (East London).

I find the WhatsApp group invaluable because there are people on there who know everything whereas I am a bit slack. You can't contact the school at 9pm on Sunday evening to ask if Monday is Tudor Peasant day or Inspirational Minibeast day.

My eldest is y6 now and dp has made his peace with being one of two dads involved in any aspect of school life. He took dd1 to a meeting about her residential trip a couple of weeks ago where the head talked extensively about what things the school needed from mums. The school also always rings me first despite him being the first contact.

Sexism is alive and well, and being taught to our dc from a young age.

Ours are fairly mixed and also drama free for the most part. Mainly used to organise class parties, ask about homework etc.

That's really disappointing to hear.

There's a bit of a gulf between not being involved in schooling and not being on an optional whatsapp.

While DH goes to parents evening, school events and is generally interested in school life, has been a govenor (and was hands on useful in the days of doing battle with "home learning" while trying to plough on with his job), he doesn't need to be a household duplicate in the school chatter. When I worked FT he had more contact with school but that's not so necessary on a day to day level now.

There are also mums fully involved in their child's school life who feel they manage fine without whatsapp chats.

A greater issue is where schools can't/ don't allocate communications and emergency contact according to parental preferences and default to mother first.

I joined the class Whatsapp group, I'm a Dad. I put up with 3 months of messages of people bitching incessantly about everything under the sun before I though "Fuck this noise" and left