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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad/annoyed by the lack of dads on the class Whatsapp group

328 replies

fremsley · 21/06/2022 10:14

My daughter is starting reception in September and a Whatsapp group chat for her class had already been created. The membership consists entirely of mums, with the exception of my husband and (as far as I can tell) one other dad. Certainly the only active contributors are mums. My husband wants to be involved as he is very hands-on, but we both feel awkward about the lack of dads. The current nursery group chat is the same. I must admit, I find myself feeling irritated, disappointed and quite sad that things are this way in 2022. Seems to be a lot pressure on mums to manage this side of things. It feels uncomfortable to me. AIBU? What is your view of dads in these groups?

Also, I would be interested to hear others' experiences of class Whatsapp groups in general: do you think 'no dads' is the norm? If you are in one, are there any dads in yours? What kind of area do you live in (e.g. city/small town/rural)? Asking that last question because this is a small village school and I am very curious to know whether schools in more rural locations are more 'traditional' in comparison to cities. A friend who lives in a city known for its liberalness told me there are dads in her class group chat.

Yes, I am very aware of the irony that I am posting this on a website called MUMSnet!

OP posts:
Original poster
fremsley · 21/06/2022 10:36

Completely agree!

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 21/06/2022 10:39

Also our school posts on Twitter with traffic updates if they have been on a trip. Sounds like there are just some rubbish school around.

Mally100 · 21/06/2022 10:39

Bobbins36 · 21/06/2022 10:29

Class WhatsApp groups are the worst. Cause far too much drama.

Well maybe it's just that there group is filled with awful and dramatic people who don't use the group for its purpose.
I would say it's 50/50 on our group. The last 2 class parties were organized by the dads!

Nutellaonall · 21/06/2022 10:39

It’s all mum’s on mine. It does seem a bit archaic on the face of it I suppose. But I guess no matter how much we fight it that is what comes naturally to people. Yes I take the mental load of the kids and school, but I had the kids, took the mat leave and now work part time so have more time to do it. DH does pull his weight. And take the mental load of other stuff. He books all the holidays, sorts cars, organises bills related to house, utilities etc etc. So we both do our fair share in the grand scheme of things. If people have an issue with them being pink and blue jobs and conforming to stereotypes than that’s their problem not mine. We are happy with that split and I guess, looking at the what’s app groups so are most other people.

AquaticSewingMachine · 21/06/2022 10:40

FFS. If you don't want to be in the damn chat, nobody's twisting your arm to be, but the reason they're so common is that, shockingly, many people do find them useful. Including dads. I've also found it a useful place to get facts and info regarding things geared to kids in the wider area, and we were able to use it to organise pickups for parents who had one kid needing to isolate in COVID days. A parent from it even dropped off migraine medication for me when I was stuck at home with a blinding migraine. Friends and community; it's a thing.

The ones I'm in have been 0% drama and looking at about 3 messages a week isn't exactly using up all my time.

Nutellaonall · 21/06/2022 10:41

Oh and there is a separate dads group but they appear to mostly share gifs and organize a dads night out in that one so not much use to anyone!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 21/06/2022 10:41

I wouldn't know, I've managed to avoid being in a school whats app group so far. Can't see the point

luxxlisbon · 21/06/2022 10:41

Certainly the only active contributors are mums. My husband wants to be involved as he is very hands-on, but we both feel awkward about the lack of dads.

Its your husbands own fault that he isn’t an active contributor though, don’t blame the fact that there are only 2 dads on the group.

ClarissaD · 21/06/2022 10:41

FFS. If you don't want to be in the damn chat, nobody's twisting your arm to be

Quite. Who knew it was possible to get so cross about something entirely optional?

dameofdilemma · 21/06/2022 10:42

Most dads are on the class whatsapp, as well as mums for dds class.
London (zone 3) school. Most children in the class have two working parents and most children are in some form of after school childcare.

No drama on our whatsapp, no inane posts (in fact not many posts at all). Useful though for last minute reminders of change in PE day/packed lunch for class trip/changes to homework etc. Most people are working and don't have the time to post unnecessarily but what's posted is useful.

Very different experience for our friends with children in home counties/village schools though from what I hear.

SilverOnToast · 21/06/2022 10:44

I work at a school in the USA. There are easily as many dads as mums in all the WhatsApp groups etc, and social groups for my DC are always a 50/50 mix - separated/divorced parents often both attend things even when clearly not together. More same-sex parents too.

I do find this a big change from when I was in the U.K where things were mainly arranged by mums or split by gender. Not sure why this is, but men attend more birthday parties, for example, and women attend more sport games for kids like football matches etc than the usual ratio I saw in England too, so it’s nearly always a 50/50 balance.

Mally100 · 21/06/2022 10:45

AquaticSewingMachine · 21/06/2022 10:40

FFS. If you don't want to be in the damn chat, nobody's twisting your arm to be, but the reason they're so common is that, shockingly, many people do find them useful. Including dads. I've also found it a useful place to get facts and info regarding things geared to kids in the wider area, and we were able to use it to organise pickups for parents who had one kid needing to isolate in COVID days. A parent from it even dropped off migraine medication for me when I was stuck at home with a blinding migraine. Friends and community; it's a thing.

The ones I'm in have been 0% drama and looking at about 3 messages a week isn't exactly using up all my time.

Same here. We have a really nice group. I think all the people who feel it's dramatic, only mum filled, and pointless it's because it's made up of crap people.

fireandpaint · 21/06/2022 10:47

There is literally no drama on ours. It's all really useful reminders about things which have already been communicated by the school but easily forgotten. Or organising nights out/teacher presents etc. On my friend's however it is unbelievably dramatic with huge arguments and callings out, I couldn't believe it when she showed me. So it seems to depend on the school/group of parents!

Original poster
fremsley · 21/06/2022 10:48

luxxlisbon · 21/06/2022 10:41

Certainly the only active contributors are mums. My husband wants to be involved as he is very hands-on, but we both feel awkward about the lack of dads.

Its your husbands own fault that he isn’t an active contributor though, don’t blame the fact that there are only 2 dads on the group.

Yes, that's a fair point. I think he just feels a bit awkward as it's so mum-dominated and he is very conscious about not wanting to mansplain about anything etc. when questions are asked.

OP posts:
InChocolateWeTrust · 21/06/2022 10:50

Ours is mainly mums, but there are some dads. By and the large it's far more of the mums who tend to be the ones who do more school runs, so are more interested in the sort of information on there.

The dads aren't entirely absent though. They set up their own group, I think they found the main one just had too much stuff on it and they werent bothered for the more social chit chat that also happens on there.

They engage in a different way - my DH prefers to rely on the school email reminders (he is signed up as a contact) whereas I tend to look on the WhatsApp.

Its worth noting however that for things like school fete or other weekend events where parents might volunteer to help, separate groups are set up and there's often an even mix of mums and dads on those.

LetMeGoogleThat · 21/06/2022 10:50

There are a great deal of mums like me that do it alone (mine are A-level & uni now tho) great that you're disappointed that the 'dad' is not on the What's App group! Maybe get to know a few people first and understand their situation before judging 🤔

Original poster
fremsley · 21/06/2022 10:51

ClarissaD · 21/06/2022 10:41

FFS. If you don't want to be in the damn chat, nobody's twisting your arm to be

Quite. Who knew it was possible to get so cross about something entirely optional?

Just to be clear - I'm not cross about the existence of the chat at all. I'm very happy to be in it. It's been really helpful so far, completely innocuous and everyone seems really nice. I'm just curious about the absence of dads and how common this is in general. And I find it sad as it's such a simple thing they could be involved in even if they are working FT and the mum is PT for example.

OP posts:
5128gap · 21/06/2022 10:55

Well most mums are the primary carer aren't they? It's generally the mums who SAH or work part time so it's obvious they're the ones who will be involved with this stuff. When I worked and DP stayed home, he did the school stuff. When we both worked, my mum, who did childcare, did it. Unless the mums are primary carers against their will, it's not sad for them. And I would worry about being sad for the dad's, theyre missing nothing.

MattDillonsEyebrows · 21/06/2022 10:59

My OH was on our eldest WhatsApp group for the first few weeks of her school for exactly the same reason, but he got annoyed by the batshittery that went on and left. He wasn't the only one, a few of the mums (mostly my nice mum friends) left to.

There was proper batshittery though, parents whinging about school following government covid guidelines, claiming they weren't keeping their precious moppets safe, then when school made the difficult decision to cancel the Christmas play due to a spike in cases, they were ruining Christmas!!! Confused

I find it certain bits useful and diffusing/dissecting batshittery is one of my strengths, so I stayed and now relay back to the ones who escaped left anything they need to know.

Youngest is now at school to and whilst I think there is a WA group, I haven't been asked to join and I'm ok with that. Although when I do get asked, I probably will!!

CredibilityProblem · 21/06/2022 11:00

LetMeGoogleThat · 21/06/2022 10:50

There are a great deal of mums like me that do it alone (mine are A-level & uni now tho) great that you're disappointed that the 'dad' is not on the What's App group! Maybe get to know a few people first and understand their situation before judging 🤔

Unless a father is deceased, or a literal sperm donor then yes I will judge him for not being involved in his children's schooling. (and if you've excluded him from their lives due to abuse then obviously I'll judge him even more harshly).

If a school WhatsApp is almost all mums because so many dads have buggered off completely then that's just as much a cause for concern as being all mums because all the cohabiting fathers are far too busy and important to get involved.

daisyjgrey · 21/06/2022 11:00

Why are you upset about it?

I should imagine that's patently obvious.

Furrbabymama1987 · 21/06/2022 11:01

There's a few on mine but mainly mums. My husband hates anything like that though and doesn't want to be on it. I don't mind them but I do mute them from time to time. can't stand when people start putting photos on there.

worriedatthistime · 21/06/2022 11:01

I wouldn't join a whats app group as a mum and my dh def wouldn't as he is not that into phones full stop
What is this trend with class whats app and what is the point of them ?

mosesbassist · 21/06/2022 11:01

God how depressing. I actually made sure DP was on Brownies WhatsApp and dance. We share our the clubs

BiscoffSundae · 21/06/2022 11:03

My kids school doesn’t do class WhatsApp groups, I’ve only heard about it on here and I have 4 at primary so I don’t think it’s just that I haven’t been invited etc, I never knew they existed until Mumsnet but people think it’s weird if you are not on one 🤦🏻 Anyway saying that there are not a lot of dads at our school at pickup I’m a single parent and a lot of the other mums are so maybe that’s another reason?