To feel sad/annoyed by the lack of dads on the class Whatsapp group

[fremsley]

My daughter is starting reception in September and a Whatsapp group chat for her class had already been created. The membership consists entirely of mums, with the exception of my husband and (as far as I can tell) one other dad. Certainly the only active contributors are mums. My husband wants to be involved as he is very hands-on, but we both feel awkward about the lack of dads. The current nursery group chat is the same. I must admit, I find myself feeling irritated, disappointed and quite sad that things are this way in 2022. Seems to be a lot pressure on mums to manage this side of things. It feels uncomfortable to me. AIBU? What is your view of dads in these groups?

Also, I would be interested to hear others' experiences of class Whatsapp groups in general: do you think 'no dads' is the norm? If you are in one, are there any dads in yours? What kind of area do you live in (e.g. city/small town/rural)? Asking that last question because this is a small village school and I am very curious to know whether schools in more rural locations are more 'traditional' in comparison to cities. A friend who lives in a city known for its liberalness told me there are dads in her class group chat.

Yes, I am very aware of the irony that I am posting this on a website called MUMSnet!

It’s fairly mixed here and quite a few dads at pick up - London too

The ones I'm on for my children are mums - in fact both groups are called 'Year X Mums'. I don't know if any dads have ever asked to join. It's mostly, though not exclusively, mums at school pick-up and so the mums tend to know each other more than the dads do.

I’m quite curious to know what sort of drama occurs in these argumentative WhatsApp groups! No drama whatsoever in any of the ones I’ve ever been in. There was a playgroup one which was a bit inane so I turned off notifications for that. But the nursery/school ones have always been extremely helpful, used only when necessary and, yes, a source of community and friendship as a PP said.

Although no whats app its very mixed who does pick up here and school plays , sports days , parents evening attended by a pretty even mix all in all
Posters saying if a dads not on whats app then they are not interested are pretty judgemental really and a bit sexisy really as its very judgemental, maybe some mums don't even want the dad on it and how many mums are on it because they feel they have to rather than want to, judging by the comments from some on here if you said no, they might call ss or ignore you in the playground

Yes but technology has since moved on and it's a really helpful tool to keep uptodate. Of course you managed before - just as my parents managed before homework was done on an app or VLE.

These WhatsApp groups are filled with (mostly) women that are just creating more and more work for themselves.
The reason most Dad's are not on these WhatsApp groups is because there is zero pressure on them from society to micromanage and control every last cm of their child's schooling. But Mum's are made to feel like they are failing if they do not strive to be kept upto date second by second as to what's going on at their child's school

Surely it's not worth getting irritated by! How is it effecting you or your husband 🤔

No drama here, and DH is on them for both DC. But I do all the child admin stuff as I work part time and he works full time, so he just ignores them. I do find it annoying that we conform so neatly to stereotypes (he earns more, is more senior, works full time) but it’s what works for us.

Ours is 100% Mums as well. I think the dads have one but it is not active at all. It probably is a sad reflection of the society we live in where there are still very uneven expectations.

I’d say drop off is a pretty good percentage of dad’s at our school, same for pick up from after school care. On my non-working day it is pretty rare to see a man at normal pick-up time. But, there are a lot of men active on the pta committee, board of governors and volunteering for sport related activity but far fewer doing the cake sales or worrying about the right colour T-shirt for charity day or coming in for reading etc.

@soundofsilver many schools still don't have them and its not really moving on using a group chat because you can't remember a date of dress up day etc is it ?
Its a social chat group , i bet there are plenty of mums who have notifications switched off and never contribute and ate purely on as they feel they have to
Its also a very very middle class thing and actually I wouldn't want my child talked about on a whole group
Chat or discuss a party as not all have whole class parties , again very middle class

Being in a class WhatsApp group will not improve your child's schooling/education in any way, it just increases your mental workload

@AlexClo exactly that , all those claiming they are so necessary etc , no its just another thing to do and if you turn of notifications etc whats the point or do some only go on it when they want an answer to a question but not happy to have notifications to answer others
Like i said previously bet there a far Few mums on them who actually don't want to be but feel they have to

Looking after kids is women's work.🙄
How can you be surprised by that?

Yes, I think managing the child-related social media is a form of work, even though it seems so trivial, and in most cases it's women who feel the pressure to do this labour.

Unless a father is deceased, or a literal sperm donor then yes I will judge him for not being involved in his children's schooling. (and if you've excluded him from their lives due to abuse then obviously I'll judge him even more harshly).

It is possible to be involved in a child's schooling and not be on the class WhatsApp group.

Excellent question OP.

I've just added DH to both groups for the DC. There's a smattering of dads on the younger one but none on the older one.

Both groups are v useful and supportive.

I don't think it matters. Whatever works for each family. As long as mum isn't expected to join or dad isn't excluded then no issue.

Maybe the dads don't want to be on it, I know dh couldn't think of anything worse! I am relieved there isn't one at my dc's school or I just haven't been invited 😂either way win win! We just talk in person person waiting for kids to come out if any queries, what little Bobby wearing for school trip etc. To be honest though school keeps us well informed through the school app and letters/teachers on the door etc.

I agree with you OP. I also noticed that even when a Dad was doing all the pick ups etc, the other parent would often still ask for the Mum's number to set up after school activities and so forth.

When our DC went to 2 different secondary schools DH and I decided we would each be the primary parent for 1 school to split the workload a bit. It didn't work. The school still skip down the contact list to Mum. The PTA and other parents got hold of my number anyway. I did once ask someone phoning from DD's school if they'd had trouble getting hold of DH and she admitted she always skipped to Mum as she has limited time and Dads rarely answer their phones or will tell the school to phone Mum instead. It's a sad sign of how things are.

It is, but I was replying to a specific poster who said that I shouldn't make judgements because the reason why her DCs' father wasn't on the WhatsApp was because she was a lone mother.

That's great for you that you can pick up from school everyday and can chat to teachers and other parents, many of us can't. The whatsapp group fills in a lot of those gaps.

Rather a daft response. Yes, we managed perfectly well without them, but its easier with them! We managed perfectly well without the internet to, yet here you are....

YANBU OP, this shit is insidious. We'll never have equality until men are equal parents, and they'll never be equal parents with all this default mum stuff.

We're not at the primary school stage yet, but our daycare nursery have set up a WhatsApp group for each room - with all the mums' numbers. It's pretty 50/50 at the door, and in our case DH does all drop offs and we do pickup together so he has more contact with them than I do. Fortunately the groups are very quiet, otherwise I would've asked them to add him.

But my point is it could be any for reason, and it's not really your place to judge as you don't know the facts. To be disappointed that they are not on the What's app group before meeting any of the other parents is judgement with zero basis and your personal prejudice.