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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad/annoyed by the lack of dads on the class Whatsapp group

328 replies

fremsley · 21/06/2022 10:14

My daughter is starting reception in September and a Whatsapp group chat for her class had already been created. The membership consists entirely of mums, with the exception of my husband and (as far as I can tell) one other dad. Certainly the only active contributors are mums. My husband wants to be involved as he is very hands-on, but we both feel awkward about the lack of dads. The current nursery group chat is the same. I must admit, I find myself feeling irritated, disappointed and quite sad that things are this way in 2022. Seems to be a lot pressure on mums to manage this side of things. It feels uncomfortable to me. AIBU? What is your view of dads in these groups?

Also, I would be interested to hear others' experiences of class Whatsapp groups in general: do you think 'no dads' is the norm? If you are in one, are there any dads in yours? What kind of area do you live in (e.g. city/small town/rural)? Asking that last question because this is a small village school and I am very curious to know whether schools in more rural locations are more 'traditional' in comparison to cities. A friend who lives in a city known for its liberalness told me there are dads in her class group chat.

Yes, I am very aware of the irony that I am posting this on a website called MUMSnet!

OP posts:
Momicrone · 22/06/2022 22:10

It's generally a man's world, a few what's app groups with mainly women isn't the end of said man's world, maybe he can start his own group

AlecTrevelyan006 · 22/06/2022 22:11

I’m so glad this wasn’t a thing when my kids were little 20 years ago. Sounds like an absolute nightmare.

Shmithecat2 · 22/06/2022 22:17

There's only one dad in our group. But the majority of children at ds' school have a sahm and a working dad, so I guess that's why - it's the mums that deal with the day to day stuff. We're rural, it's a tiny (less than 40 pupils total) school.

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 22/06/2022 22:37

Class WhatsApp groups are really helpful.

Out of the 30 sets of parents in my DD’s class, there are 3 dads on the group. My DH didn’t want to join but I added him anyway, as I see most of it as wifework. Stuff that.

If things are to change, add your partners to the group. My DH know knows about non uniform day etc and it’s not just all on me.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 22/06/2022 23:17

I'm on our group, it's not actually that bad, mainly polite, good humoured and informative.
I just agree to any arrangements say thanks and carry on with my day, evening etc. I mute my phone if the group livens up.😂

I also use what's app to arrange the kids sleepovers, play dates etc with a few of the mum's privately. But I don't matter on for hrs, I CBA with chit chat.

Tbh I'm not that mentally invested in the school as an extracurricular social concept. I have other interests that are more important to me.

5128gap · 23/06/2022 06:54

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 22/06/2022 22:37

Class WhatsApp groups are really helpful.

Out of the 30 sets of parents in my DD’s class, there are 3 dads on the group. My DH didn’t want to join but I added him anyway, as I see most of it as wifework. Stuff that.

If things are to change, add your partners to the group. My DH know knows about non uniform day etc and it’s not just all on me.

If the group is the only means of finding out about non uniform days st your school, I agree its important, and both parents should be on it. But a lot of these groups seem to be about someone else's lost lost wellies (lost property anyone?) and whether to have a whip round for the teacher at Christmas. No one needs to get involved in that trivia if they don't want to. So if it's 'wife work' it's also busy work and largely self inflicted.
I think the judgement for not joining is a bit concerning tbh. I know its meant as illustrative of dad's not doing enough (which obviously they often don't) but the same people inventing these sort of obligations for other people would no doubt judge mothers who didn't want to be involved too, and we can do without being considered disinterested in our child because we don't want this extra non essential obligation.

DontBlameMe79 · 23/06/2022 08:08

No dads on our one and most of the mums seem ok with that, including me. At some point there was a sahd who joined for a bit but the consensus was that he was a waster who should get a job. He pretty upset h got frozen out and left, which we were fine with. He still doesn’t have a job though 😂😂

Phineyj · 23/06/2022 08:11

We have a class one and a PTA one. The latter is used to organise e.g. school fetes. The class one is a useful info source. DH is the only dad on it regularly. There's three other dads who use it occasionally. Two of them are separated and I think that's significant - they're having to do some "wife work" on their days. I do get annoyed by party WhatsApps that add me and not DH, but I just ask for him to be added and they've never said no. I'm not his PA!

Phineyj · 23/06/2022 08:15

I have notifications switched off for everything. I agree phones pinging all the time is annoying but that's a choice. You can just check them instead like you'd check emails.

Actually thinking back we did have one bout of nastiness on the WhatsApp a few years ago about homework. It was quite interesting as it revealed some very different attitudes. We all know not to bring it up now!!

Fizbosshoes · 23/06/2022 08:26

But a lot of these groups seem to be about someone else's lost lost wellies (lost property anyone

...but for primary school the parent might be checking no one else has inadvertently brought the wrong pair home? My DS once brought an identical pair of trainers home but 2 sizes too big fir him as well as his own. I posted on the class WhatsApp to find their owner.

brookstar · 23/06/2022 08:32

DontBlameMe79 · 23/06/2022 08:08

No dads on our one and most of the mums seem ok with that, including me. At some point there was a sahd who joined for a bit but the consensus was that he was a waster who should get a job. He pretty upset h got frozen out and left, which we were fine with. He still doesn’t have a job though 😂😂

Would you call a SAHM a waster?

DillonPanthersTexas · 23/06/2022 10:50

Would you call a SAHM a waster?

It's a bit of a sad attitude and not an uncommon one that dads are subjected to. My brother works from home running his own engineering consultancy, he does all the drop offs and pick ups. It was generally assumed at the school gates he was unemployed/a cocklodger.

BlackandBlueBird · 23/06/2022 11:12

No dads on our one and most of the mums seem ok with that, including me. At some point there was a sahd who joined for a bit but the consensus was that he was a waster who should get a job. He pretty upset h got frozen out and left, which we were fine with. He still doesn’t have a job though 😂😂

If he’s a SAHD then presumably his job is looking after the kids…?

minipie · 23/06/2022 11:19

If things are to change, add your partners to the group. My DH know knows about non uniform day etc and it’s not just all on me.

My DH is on the class WhatsApps (at my insistence) and gets all the school emails, newsletters etc. He still doesn’t see any of it as his problem - automatically assumes I will deal with it unless I specifically ask him to.

But I suppose it’s a start. <sigh>

DontBlameMe79 · 23/06/2022 12:37

DillonPanthersTexas · 23/06/2022 10:50

Would you call a SAHM a waster?

It's a bit of a sad attitude and not an uncommon one that dads are subjected to. My brother works from home running his own engineering consultancy, he does all the drop offs and pick ups. It was generally assumed at the school gates he was unemployed/a cocklodger.

I think it’s different for women - if a woman can get a man to finance a SAHM lifestyle after kids are at school, more power to her I reckon.

Men on the other hand are a bit pointless as SAHDs once kids are at school, so they do come across as wasters. Maybe not fair but it’s what I think (and most of my acquaintances).

With all the other crap we have to put up with there have to be a few things that go in our favour, and we don’t need to feel bad about it.

brookstar · 23/06/2022 12:47

I think it’s different for women - if a woman can get a man to finance a SAHM lifestyle after kids are at school, more power to her I reckon.

Why is it different for women?

Men on the other hand are a bit pointless as SAHDs once kids are at school, so they do come across as wasters. Maybe not fair but it’s what I think (and most of my acquaintances).

Why is a SAHD pointless but a SAHM not? Aren't they doing the exact same thing?

With all the other crap we have to put up with there have to be a few things that go in our favour, and we don’t need to feel bad about it.

This doesn't make sense. Most of the crap women put up with is because men don't pull their weight with childcare. If more men took a proactive role in raising their children then women would actually benefit overall.

Fizbosshoes · 23/06/2022 12:47

Men on the other hand are a bit pointless as SAHDs once kids are at school, so they do come across as wasters. Maybe not fair but it’s what I think (and most of my acquaintances).

I know several SAHM of NT high school age kids. They seem to spend their days doing sport, exercise classes, coffees, lunches, galleries, shopping, hair/beauty/nail apts etc. If a man wanted to do similar, why is that more pointless?

BlackandBlueBird · 23/06/2022 12:55

This doesn't make sense. Most of the crap women put up with is because men don't pull their weight with childcare. If more men took a proactive role in raising their children then women would actually benefit overall.

Exactly. It would be great for women if there were more SAHDs. For it to be normalised for men to do more of the child/house work.

SAHMs get criticised enough though. I can see why a man wouldn’t want to be a SAHD if people thought he was being a ‘waster’.

DontBlameMe79 · 23/06/2022 13:05

Fizbosshoes · 23/06/2022 12:47

Men on the other hand are a bit pointless as SAHDs once kids are at school, so they do come across as wasters. Maybe not fair but it’s what I think (and most of my acquaintances).

I know several SAHM of NT high school age kids. They seem to spend their days doing sport, exercise classes, coffees, lunches, galleries, shopping, hair/beauty/nail apts etc. If a man wanted to do similar, why is that more pointless?

So congrats to those ladies for getting what they want. I didn’t claim it was fair, just different. We are our own worst enemies a lot of the time. I have high expectations for men, specifically that they get out and contribute. Otherwise I think they are largely pointless and will end up miserable.

This is another thread where most people reading it know I’m right but the “men and women are the same” brigade can’t accept it.

brookstar · 23/06/2022 13:12

So congrats to those ladies for getting what they want. I didn’t claim it was fair, just different. We are our own worst enemies a lot of the time. I have high expectations for men, specifically that they get out and contribute. Otherwise I think they are largely pointless and will end up miserable.

So you think men's only contribution to the family is financial?

This is another thread where most people reading it know I’m right but the “men and women are the same” brigade can’t accept it.

When it comes to caring for school ages children, how are men and women different? Why is acceptable for a women to not contribute to the family financially once the children are at school but not a man? What if the women is the higher earner and it makes more sense for the man to take a step back from his career?

minipie · 23/06/2022 13:14

This is another thread where most people reading it know I’m right but the “men and women are the same” brigade can’t accept it.

If you keep getting the same response on lots of threads, and if you never hear from all these silent people who think you’re right, isn’t it just possible you’ve got it wrong?

DontBlameMe79 · 23/06/2022 13:24

minipie · 23/06/2022 13:14

This is another thread where most people reading it know I’m right but the “men and women are the same” brigade can’t accept it.

If you keep getting the same response on lots of threads, and if you never hear from all these silent people who think you’re right, isn’t it just possible you’ve got it wrong?

Not really. I may be short of many things in life but self belief is not one of them. I can recommend it.

brookstar · 23/06/2022 13:25

Not really. I may be short of many things in life but self belief is not one of them. I can recommend it.

Self belief and being factually correct aren't the same thing though.

DontBlameMe79 · 23/06/2022 13:27

brookstar · 23/06/2022 13:12

So congrats to those ladies for getting what they want. I didn’t claim it was fair, just different. We are our own worst enemies a lot of the time. I have high expectations for men, specifically that they get out and contribute. Otherwise I think they are largely pointless and will end up miserable.

So you think men's only contribution to the family is financial?

This is another thread where most people reading it know I’m right but the “men and women are the same” brigade can’t accept it.

When it comes to caring for school ages children, how are men and women different? Why is acceptable for a women to not contribute to the family financially once the children are at school but not a man? What if the women is the higher earner and it makes more sense for the man to take a step back from his career?

I know men do not contribute by sitting on their arses at home all day. Why is this apparently hard to understand? They are designed to provide for goodness sake. - Hold them to account, don’t make excuses for them.

DontBlameMe79 · 23/06/2022 13:28

brookstar · 23/06/2022 13:25

Not really. I may be short of many things in life but self belief is not one of them. I can recommend it.

Self belief and being factually correct aren't the same thing though.

The level of argument on here really is poor. Throwing insults is not needed.