Friction with DP due to DD. Frustrated

[lanabye]

DD is 8 and has always been a terrible sleeper. Because I was single for so long prior to my current relationship, I admit that I gave in quite a lot for an “easier” life and let her sleep with me, or I’d sleep in her bed until she fell asleep. So now, at bedtime, she struggles to sleep without me sitting in her room until she nods off.

This is causing a LOT of friction between my partner and me, and last night it led to an argument because I didn’t like the way he was speaking to DD. In fairness, she was screaming at me and hitting which is obviously less than ideal.

For context, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and he moved in only this year.

As much as it pisses me off that she’s a terrible sleeper, I don’t get worked up and angry about it the way he does. Aibu to see this as a huge barrier to continuing the relationship?

It's funny how so many pp are basically telling OP that she shouldn't expect a grown-ass man to be mature enough to share her with another loved one and manage his emotions whilst adapting to a massive change in circumstances and yet her 8YO should?!

This is where seeing it from the child's perspective is vital before any of you can move on. This is a little girl who has presumably experienced some sort of turbulence already. Not sure where her dad is as I don't think OP has said but I can't see a situation in which birth dad not living with her and mum wouldn't leave her at least somewhat traumatised. For her whole life she's been used to having mum's comfort and affection and this has undoubtedly been a protective factor against the above trauma. Rightly or wrongly she's grown comfortable having mum with her to fall asleep.

Then a new bloke comes along. A new bloke that for all we know she might not feel especially safe or secure around yet. He's probably (from her POV) moved in quite unexpectedly and abruptly and invaded this once safe space that she and mum shared including her bedroom, her ultimate safe space. She's probably already feeling frightened and panicked and insecure and then to top it off he's getting right in the middle of her falling asleep with mum, a significant bonding experience and source of comfort between her and her mum. As far as she's concerned this man is the principle reason that mum is no longer offering this comfort and love and also mum is prioritising this new 'love's' needs over her own. Depending on what exactly the situation is with her biological dad she may already have insecurities and hostilities towards men too.

It's irrelevent whether you should have been allowing your dd to sleep with you OP. The fact is that you were and you're not suddenly going to successfully break these habits because a big scary man has come along and abruptly said that you have to. Kids aren't stupid. Dd will make this connection and she'll resent this man from the getgo and IMO THAT is when you need to really start fearing for her teenage years...You're going to have to really think about whether you think your dd's sleeping actually is an issue and whether YOU (not this man, not the MN brigade) think it's inappropriate for you both. Only you know what your child's needs are and gut instinct is a powerful thing. If you do want to change things and encourage her to sleep more independently then you need a plan to encourage this separately to your boyfriend and you need to truly be doing it because you think it's in HER interests not because she's now a minor inconvenience to your new relationship

It's important to remember that although you can't ways help adult relationships getting messy and parents splitting up etc kids are the only ones in such situations who really don't ask for any of that crap and don't have any control over it. They should always come first. This doesn't necessarily mean putting up with rubbish behaviour but it absolutely does mean prioritising their needs. If your new man has anything about him then he should respect this. I really don't get the posts that are pandering so much to his needs. If he can't cope without your attention for an hour or 2 a night whilst you get your child to sleep how on earth can he expect an 8 year old to?!

I hope you can sort things OP xx

Well said, 88milesanhour.

I hope the OP reads this carefully, especially the last line.

By spoiling you kid, you are now self sabotaging your relationship.

She is 8 she is very capable of falling asleep without mummy. She has you wrapped round her finger... time to tel her to put her big girl attitude on

Hahaha a significant bonding experience pp??? Yes thats true. When kids are babies. Not 8.

*By spoiling you kid, you are now self sabotaging your relationship.

She is 8 she is very capable of falling asleep without mummy*

My Dd couldn’t. At 9 it became apparent she had bad anxiety which is still there now she is 15. Not all kids are the same. She slept in our room until she was 13.

Spoling her? No not really. Just trying to help her.

Well of course you have to put your children first however she does need to learn to fall asleep on her own and an 8 year old shouting and hitting you isn’t just “not ideal” it’s appalling behaviour. I also understand his frustration but the way he acted isn’t ok either.

The "relationship " with the boyfriend should be low priority. The child's mental health and behavioral issues should be the mother's first concern.

Disrupting the already-disturbed child's life to move boyfriend into one's bed wasn't a great choice.

She hasn’t slept in my bed for years. I’ve laid next to her in hers, or sat on her bedroom floor up until very recently.

I’ve asked him to move out.

Exactly what I was thinking. Everyone on MN finds an exonerating reason for bad behaviour (everyone’s kid seems to have SN or trauma of some sort). In reality, in most cases the kid is just a brat!

it's obvious there are a lot of posters on here who don't have any DC at all

Sadly @GoldenSongbird I suspect that it's far more likely that those PP do have children, but raise them expecting total obedience. There has been such a failure to understand the difference between cause & effect here, evident from all the repressive, dictatorial & judgemental stances - "an 8 year old ought to ..." "she should be able to sleep" ... "unless she has SEN she's just badly behaved" with no attempt to look beneath the surface.

There is a huge range of mental health/behavioural issues between the black & white thinking of "a child is either ND or NT". This little girl's dad no longer lives with them, a new(ish) man has moved in, her routine has changed, & she has lost her 1-on-1 home life & sleep poutine with just her & mum.
She may also have some kind of clinical sleep issue going on - but that's too nuanced for the PP who enjoy shaming another parent. The kid is JUST SPOILED & the mum is JUST USELESS.
I hope those PP enjoyed their self-righteous schadenfreude at OP's expense. Also that karma bites their arse & their kid acts out tonight & keeps them up all night - just the once, I'm not cruel ...

It's clear OP needs to start doing bedtime - & possibly other parental discipline - differently now, but what she needs is support with that, not blaming, or the shameful crowing & pecking that's been going on here here.

OP has held her hands up, has said she will seek support from eg parenting classes, & from the very get-go has been clear she will put her DD before her partner. It's right there in the last line of her initial post. When somebody is this responsible & honest about how they are struggling, it's disgraceful to decide to give her a good kicking instead of a helping hand.

But - this is AIBU! Home of robust speech - @lanabye I hope you are doing ok today & have been able to pick out the nuggets of wisdom/support from the ... rather contentious mixed bag of responses. I suspect that if you had posted in Relationships you may have had a more understanding ride than this rollercoaster thread
You might want to consider posting there later, or on one of the parenting boards? You & DD certainly both need the kind of Tough Love that mumsnet Vipers are able to provide, & you're more likely to find it on a different board than AIBU.

Exactly. She needs to LEARN how to fall asleep independently. It's hardwired in her now. Absolutely no good will come of forcing her into it just because a new fella has come along who doesn't like it. She is only going to get one message if you come down too hard... That this man's needs trump her's. Absolutely no good will come of that.

What’s ‘just a brat’ though? An innate badness? Spite in their DNA?

wow, @Mariposista - cross-post.

Thanks for proving my point, & do enjoy your day, it should go swimmingly now your narrow mind has enjoyed its morning workout & your Judgey Pants are hoiked up nice & tight.

@Pumperthepumper cheers, I'll say no more right now as the thread's contentious enough without me losing my rag at PP's wilful reduction of complex behavioural issues to any phrase featuring "just" ...

It’s just basic ignorance though, and a weird desire to see kids as some kind of enemy that needs to be controlled at any cost. It winds me up too, i hope they don’t have kids.

Stonking post at Today 04:27 @88milesanhour

I don't think the problem is your partner. Your daughter is plainly lacking in boundaries if she is getting away with shouting at you and hitting you. That's awful behaviour.
Nor should she be sleeping with you at her age, she's not a toddler.
Establish some rules, punish her if she breaks them and see how it goes.
You really need to deal with this before you get to the point of posting on here about your out of control teenager.

Do you only bond with babies, & not 8 year old then?

What a peculiar attitude.

What's your point? The thread is about OP and her daughter not me

I'm stunned by how many people on this thread admit to sleeping or staying in the same room as their kids right into late childhood (and yes, I co-slept with my babies). Every one cites anxiety. Your child may well be anxious, but going to these lengths to allay their fears is not the way to treat anxiety. How can a child learn resilience and self-soothing if the parent is prepared to go to these lengths to make them feel safe?

Anxiety is not unlike phobias - you overcome them by exposure, not avoidance. Avoidance invariably makes them worse. I challenge you to find a single mental health professional who agrees that sleeping/sitting/being in the same room as an older child to help them sleep is good parenting.

Establish some rules, punish her if she breaks them and see how it goes.

FFS

My point was your post was awesome, & helpful to OP.

I can't help it if my praise pisses you off!

Her bedtime routine needed sorting irrespective of your relationship. You have been doing her no favours enabling her to remain so dependent on you until this age. Sleepovers, Brownie Camp, school trip soon: she needs to be able to manage herself.

Now, this process has become mixed, in her mind and in practicality, with your partner moving in. Disastrous as she will see him as usurping her, being the boss of you and her etc. He had no business at all coming into her room and forcing her legs back into bed, and you should not have allowed it.

Also I don’t like the sound of his competitive attitude to having your attention.

If you make this work, he has to back off completely from disciplining your Dd and reacting to her behaviour, certainly not blanking her, just being normally friendly to her. Meanwhile you have to recognise that it is your job to facilitate your Dd to develop independence, maturity and behaviour appropriate to her (young) age.

The dilemma for a lot of step mums in this board is that the Dads just do not do their parenting job of supporting their kids to behave. You are guilty of the same, at the moment.

But your DP’s behaviour also has red flags so watch that.

First and foremost you are Ds’s Mum.

@KettrickenSmiled bonding should be done in an age appropriate manner though. Sitting by the bedside isn't really appropriate at 8.

OP that's fine, you made your choice. Just be aware that you are probably not in the right mindframe for a live-in relationship (no partner is going to be OK with you spending your evenings in your dd's room or with her screaming and hitting you).