Friction with DP due to DD. Frustrated

[lanabye]

DD is 8 and has always been a terrible sleeper. Because I was single for so long prior to my current relationship, I admit that I gave in quite a lot for an “easier” life and let her sleep with me, or I’d sleep in her bed until she fell asleep. So now, at bedtime, she struggles to sleep without me sitting in her room until she nods off.

This is causing a LOT of friction between my partner and me, and last night it led to an argument because I didn’t like the way he was speaking to DD. In fairness, she was screaming at me and hitting which is obviously less than ideal.

For context, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and he moved in only this year.

As much as it pisses me off that she’s a terrible sleeper, I don’t get worked up and angry about it the way he does. Aibu to see this as a huge barrier to continuing the relationship?

Dreadful phrases here from people who have no background I early years etc, rule the roost, little madam, taking control etc etc

Wow. Youve asked him to move out?
Imagine your kid in 6 months being fine sleeping alone . Youve driven out a nice man over nothing...

"My Dd couldn’t. At 9 it became apparent she had bad anxiety which is still there now she is 15. Not all kids are the same. She slept in our room until she was 13."

But anxiety is' fed' as well (spoken by a woman who is on meds for anxiety). You can definitely enable behaviour or making things turn for the worst. So you are not doinf anyone favours by having a kid sleep in your room as an older kid/teenager .

"My Dd couldn’t. At 9 it became apparent she had bad anxiety which is still there now she is 15. Not all kids are the same. She slept in our room until she was 13."

So what did sleeping in your room do to help? Seems to me it prolonged it for 4 years.

Hark! Experts on Managing Other People's Anxiety have arrived!

Or maybe the then-9 year old had undergone ACE, & spent those 4 years being comforted by her parent, rather than enduring heightened night-time stress & sleep loss.

So much black & white thinking on this thread. So much white western woman prescriptiveness about how other families OUGHT to be sleeping separately. So little attention being paid to doing what works, & placing the individual child's developmental needs first.
howtoadult.com/the-long-term-effects-of-co-sleeping-with-children-5625873.html

The western insistence that children must sleep alone is just conventional thinking plus peer pressure, at root. Great if if works for the child & her parents. Nasty if used as a stick to beat other parents with.

Anxiety is kicking off. And no jealousy, being the youngest (baddest!) of three? Seems unlikely.

Youve driven out a nice man over nothing

Where to start? 🙄

An 8 year old should be able to fall asleep on their own. Whatever your reasons you've put off an important devlopment milestone and made it harder.

That said, unless you've worded it badly it sounds like your DP has anger issues which for now is the more pertinent problem.

Come now @LesGiselle. The correct place to start is with the man's feelings.
Have you learned nothing, you unruly minx?

Sincerely
SimperingDickPanderer

A nice man who uses physical strength against an eight year old.

You don't need him to move out, you need him to stop being a parent to your child. YOU need to do it instead. Yes, he needs to be a responsible adult, and if he is looking after her, he's in charge. But why were 2 of you doing bedtime? That's just going to make her feel ganged up on.

Come up with your strategy. Implement it. Follow through. You keep in charge of the parenting side, together you do the fun stuff.
If you keep on this way, either you are making him the bad guy, or there are 2 adults trying to overpower a fighting 8 year old.

'I'm stunned by how many people on this thread admit to sleeping or staying in the same room as their kids right into late childhood'

You make it sound like a crime

What are the consequences for your daughter when she hits you?

Kettricken

Idiotic response.

Au contraire: Perfect response from @SunflowerGardens
howtoadult.com/the-long-term-effects-of-co-sleeping-with-children-5625873.html

But the 4 Privet Drive Brigade would rather be perfectly normal thank you very much than flout suburban convention.

Yes, at least one PP has suggested punishment
I suggested punishment for the shouting and hitting a parent. Not for the child having problems with sleeping. There's nothing wrong with that.
My own children would definitely have been punished if they'd ever shouted at me or hit me.

It is a regrettable situation that she is 8 and still requiring your presence u til she sleeps. You would hope that you could have a story, tuck in, kiss nighty night and leave her to settle by now.
But that's not the way you and she are just now. You might work on it, you might not. It might annoy other adults who are around, it might not.
But I wouldn't have stood by whilst ANY man tried to physically force any dc of mine back into bed. Not even their dad, let alone some partner.
Sorry.

There was no physical force used, nor was there any overpowering. I’m not defending him but not once did I say that she was physically forced back in to bed. He placed her legs back in bed when she was lashing out and repeatedly trying to object to bedtime and laying down.

She feels insecure and threatened

She lashes out

As articles says, nothing wrong co sleeping at all.

OP what you originally wrote has long gone now, your thread has mumsent legs...and it's running

People seem to be making their own narratives up regarding my daughters apparent trauma, possible SEN, as well as my parenting styles now, so I’m bowing out while my mental health still feels somewhat in tact. Thank you.

Hark! Experts on Managing Other People's Anxiety have arrived!

Oh the irony. Did OP say her daughter has anxiety? I think she would know better than you do. However she did say this

I would definitely say that my DD is a less extreme case of your niece, in the sense that her lashing out is due to her not being indulged rather than any deep rooted fear etc*

@KettrickenSmiled Ah, vous parlez francais? Tres bien. Unfortunately you don't seem to read English very well. Your link is about co-sleeping with infants. It doesn't mention older children at all.

Not that it's any of your business, I co-slept with all of my children till they were between 2 and 3 (they varied as to the age they were ready for their own bed). I also breastfed on demand for over 18 months, in one case 2 1/2 years (I have the tits to prove it). And yes, I read The Continuum Concept several times. So your ridiculous attempts to mis-characterise me as an uptight suburban matriarch are falling very flat indeed.

I never place men's feelings before women's, but as a step parent I can empathise with how difficult he might be finding that level of stress and drama every night, especially if he has not been brought into the conversation about dealing with this needy child.

Ah, vous parlez francais? Tres bien. Unfortunately you don't seem to read English very well. Your link is about co-sleeping with infants. It doesn't mention older children at all.

Je suis desolee @Phobiaphobic, as you must have skim-read too quickly to take in the first sentence of the article:
In most societies around the world, children sleep with their parents at least for the first several years of their life.

You are free to engage in a semantic debate, in any language of your choosing, on the meaning of "several" years, but I posit that it encompasses 8 year olds.
So, maybe also re-read the fourth sentence, IF you feel the need to respond?
A majority of Japanese children co-sleep with their parents through the early school years, and half co-sleep with their parents until the mid teens, according to multiple sources.

You didn't need to detail your co-sleeping method, as I've got no interest in judging it, either positively or negatively. You did what worked for you & I'm pleased it did. However, I've no idea what the Continuum Concept is, or its relation to 4 Privet Drive, so all I can say is if you wanted to take a carefully worded generalism as a specific prod to you personally, go ahead, but it seems a tiresome waste of energy to me.

Anyhoo - I think OP's pissed off with the thread now, so shall we leave it there & just wish each other a peaceful night? I hope you & yours sleep well.