Friction with DP due to DD. Frustrated

[lanabye]

DD is 8 and has always been a terrible sleeper. Because I was single for so long prior to my current relationship, I admit that I gave in quite a lot for an “easier” life and let her sleep with me, or I’d sleep in her bed until she fell asleep. So now, at bedtime, she struggles to sleep without me sitting in her room until she nods off.

This is causing a LOT of friction between my partner and me, and last night it led to an argument because I didn’t like the way he was speaking to DD. In fairness, she was screaming at me and hitting which is obviously less than ideal.

For context, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and he moved in only this year.

As much as it pisses me off that she’s a terrible sleeper, I don’t get worked up and angry about it the way he does. Aibu to see this as a huge barrier to continuing the relationship?

Oops sorry I thought you were just taking the micky coz I was up at 4am. Blame the snoring husband... way worse than sleeping next to your child believe me 🤣

Oh dear.

Bit late for me & mine then. I used to sit with her, even for only a couple of minutes, into her early teens. And she was a cracking sleeper, still is.
Mind telling me what's "inappropriate" about that? What are you driving at?

Also - where are you getting this "should" from?
It's oddly prescriptive.

Sorry OP, I missed your update where you have asked him to move out.

No one knows how it will pan out once someone moves in, you saw and took action. Well done.

@88milesanhour

Thank you! & mea culpa - I DID snigger at the timeline.
But only in a "here's somebody who probably also 'gets' what sleep deprivation does to human brains" kinda way.

What I find extraordinary is that mothers, almost 100% of whom have suffered severe sleep deprivation themselves when nurturing newborns, are so judgemental of a child who is also suffering.
It's like they can't walk in anybody else's shoes, & think that "should" "ought" "just" & "punishment" are appropriate words when dealing with insomnia, or sleep anxiety, or development of better sleep routines.

You could have saved yourself the post by just Googling 'is it ok to stay with an anxious child until they fall asleep' and you'd have found a wealth of MH professionals, Doctors and health services suggesting exactly that especially during times of change or trauma.

Or, you know, you could have listened to the parents who do have experience of it. And instead of jumping to criticise OP, you could have asked yourself why you're defending a man who think it's fine to ignore a child. There's lots of research about what type of men usually do that too - and that's without getting into the type of men who start to interfere in the relationship between their partner and their DC; who create flashpoints around bedtime; who think shouting is going to de-escalate a situation.

Do you love your partner? He'll be wondering whether he can accept this level of disruption in his life. Your child also needs boundaries. So, you need to resolve to introduce a new bedtime routine for her and then talk it through with him, so he feels reassured this isn't going to go on forever.

You have been single for a long time and the current sleeping pattern seems very established with your child. Yes it might have started as comfort, probably for both of you, now it is pretty much looks like her dominating you (tantrums, aggression, hitting). You have been in a relationship for 3 years it is unfair to make the issue DP vs DD. DD sleeping in her bed feeling safe and content is the goal, not fighting for territory and attention through negative behaviour. I would not have let DP move in until you achieved peace at home. Your child and partner need you to step up as a parent. DD needs to be able to be comfortable in her bed on her own, so she can progress to family / friends sleep overs, and form positive emotional connections for future relationships. it is hard but worth it. Good luck OP.

I took your advice, @GoldenSongbird and googled 'is it okay to stay with your anxious child until they go to sleep'. The very first highlighted response from KidsHealth NZ was this: 'If your child is too scared to stay in their room alone, it is OK to sometimes stay by their bed until they fall asleep. Do not do this too often because they may come to depend on you being there. If your child is anxious about you leaving, check on them.'

I was not defending this man per se, I was defending OP's right to have a normal relationship. No one, man or woman, could turn a blind eye to this kid's behaviour night in, night out. I don't agree he's behaved brilliantly, but it sounds like he was at the end of his tether with her screaming and hitting her mother. Anyway, he's gone now, so that's a three-year relationship out the window, and OP is alone again. Meanwhile, the daughter has learned that she can sabotage any relationship OP chooses to have. Great result for everyone concerned.

Don't worry about the partner, @Oestrogelsmuggler - he no longer needs to concern himself with DD's sleep/bed routine issues, or her boundaries, or how long he has to 'accept disruption', as OP has established her own boundary, & asked him to leave.

Nice of you to place The Menz Feelz so squarely ahead of the child's though.

Exactly - the first result said it was ok sometimes.

I wonder how old your DC are because you're attributing malice and manipulation to a young DC whose life has undergone a number of significant changes. You're acting as though OP has lost something because she asked her DP to move out when he was an adult male who showed no consideration for OP's routines, space or parenting. Even if you fail to show empathy to an anxious 8-yr-old, perhaps you can see why her DP wasn't a prize.

OP . From what you've said, you have done exactly what your DD needed. I'm so happy for her that you've made this decision - hopefully you can now work together on whatever needs addressing, but hopefully things will feel calmer and more manageable for her going forward.

Take care and be well..you sound like a really thoughtful, loving parent x

I would expect any partner to run a mile from listening to this kind of drama every night. I wouldn't think it was them that wasn't a prize.

My DC is the same and currently awaiting ADHD assessment. Sometimes at bedtime her mind just overloads and flips out. I have ADHD. There's a strong neurobiological link so if her dad had these behaviours as a child, it might be worth reading up on. My whole family has it to be honest.

I think you're doing wrong by your partner. Asking him to move out is a big over reaction. It would be better to agree clear boundaries on this. You deserve a relationship and your daughter deserves her mum. It doesn't have to be one or other.

@GoldenSongbird All loving parents offer this kind of reassurance sometimes. Sometimes is the key word here. Along with the age of the child.

I am not attributing malice to this kid. In many senses her behaviour is not her fault, but the result of poor parenting skills. That does not mean, however, that her behaviour should continue to be tolerated. She needs firm boundaries that don't allow her to sabotage the OP's next relationship because she demands all her mother's attention. She needs those boundaries now in order to function as a healthy adult later, as well as for her mother's sake.

@GoldenSongbird Stop being ridiculous. Where is the research I was supposedly directed to that supports parents regularly staying with older children until they go to sleep? Regularly, not sometimes. Please give me the link.

The ages of my DC are none of your business.

'obviously abusive male'. Jesus H Christ. Get a grip.

Maybe read the tagline of the website. This place is supposed to be for supporting parents.

Firstly that isn't only what it's for and isn't just for parents.

Secondly it doesn't say supporting parents no matter what and must agree with everything they do.

I would expect any partner to run a mile from listening to this kind of drama every night. I wouldn't think it was them that wasn't a prize.

An attitude borne of mistaking effect for cause ...
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

Might want to expand on that. Doesn't make any sense.

Not really @aSofaNearYou, I'd only be preaching to the converted.

Aaaw, go on then.
PP who want to believe that DD is "just a brat" are putting the cart before the horse.

As usual on AIBU, any tiny hint of honesty from the OP is pounced on as an "admission" of something (poor parenting, inadequate wife-ing, whatever) & then used as an excuse to kick an OP while she's down.

OP states that yes, DD was indulged, & the sudden withdrawal of that indulgence, once there was an extra adult in her home wanting mummy's attention & getting angry at bedtime (this wasn't a one-off - it was ongoing friction), far from 'correcting' her indulged sleep routine, exacerbated DD's acting out at bedtime.

OP doesn't reference any hitting/shouting etc by DD before the DP moved in. Hence - DP = cause, DD = effect.
The "she's a spoiled brat & you're a defective parent who needs SHAMING" brigade want to believe that - DD = cause, DP = effect.

Relationship-risking effect! Woe! Punish your child lest you lose your man!!
Yes, at least one PP has suggested punishment.
I doubt any "expand on that" explanation from me will change their minds.
But you're welcome!

Hope you are doing ok today OP.

Yes, at least one PP has suggested punishment.

Wel at least one person has said they would kill the DP and other stuff, which MN deleted.

@KettrickenSmiled

It's speculation that she's started hitting specifically because of the DP.

But either way, it doesn't really have any bearing on what I said. It's unrealistic to expect a long term partner to relish listening to and witnessing this behaviour every night without being allowed to do anything. You don't have to change your parenting approach to accommodate that, but you would be unreasonable to expect them to just put up with it. It will make you an unattractive dating prospect. The other person is not deficit in something for not having endless, unending patience for it.

Its not appropriate for him to be physically manhandling her.

Why has he moved in? What happened before ?assuming you met up with him before .

Yes its not usual ime for an 8 yr to be behaving this way but shouting at people never aids sleep!

He should back off /away ..not his job /role.
Dont blame your daughter for your ex personality thats horrible ..as you say youve caused this you need to fix it..

I would suggest small steps. .look at a whole sleep hygiene routine...and gently move to a new routine thsg doesn't involve you sleeping with her ..

How is she elsewhere? If she can go to sleep by herself anywhere else she can do it.. m

See now, you haven’t seen my niece in action. She displays no anxiety, she only kicks off when her parents try to take her in hand. It doesn’t happen often because they’ve made it so it’s easier if they don’t.

She is a brave kid, she’ll have a go at anything (pushing other kids out of the way to go first), she has everything she wants and more (they have vastly more money than sense), she’s the youngest of three siblings so no jealousy (her siblings are good natured, easy kids), and she is a precocious but largely well behaved and successful child at school. She’s clever.

I assure you, she just knows how to get what she wants. I would question her perceived lack of empathy but I think she just wants things so much, her rage at it being denied just suppresses her ability to empathise with any child or anything that’s taken the brunt of her wrath. I feel that’s learned behaviour.

You can continue to make excuses for her if you like but it wouldn’t be helping her. What she needs now is a firm hand and to finally learn that she doesn’t rule the roost. It will be a hellish journey to get there but Christ knows what will happen if they don’t do it.

OP’s daughter doesn’t seem to be quite this bad, but indulgence and putting a child on a pedestal causes problems, and no amount of excuse-making will change that.

Op you're a great mum, your dd has a need and when she feels secure she will be able to settle at night.