Friction with DP due to DD. Frustrated

[lanabye]

DD is 8 and has always been a terrible sleeper. Because I was single for so long prior to my current relationship, I admit that I gave in quite a lot for an “easier” life and let her sleep with me, or I’d sleep in her bed until she fell asleep. So now, at bedtime, she struggles to sleep without me sitting in her room until she nods off.

This is causing a LOT of friction between my partner and me, and last night it led to an argument because I didn’t like the way he was speaking to DD. In fairness, she was screaming at me and hitting which is obviously less than ideal.

For context, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and he moved in only this year.

As much as it pisses me off that she’s a terrible sleeper, I don’t get worked up and angry about it the way he does. Aibu to see this as a huge barrier to continuing the relationship?

Damn right @Haffiana

Shut up & make yourself small, little girl. A MAN has spoken. Still not shutting up? The MAN will physically restrain you. The next day, he will blank you.

Great training for accepting the patriarchy she's going to be navigating as a young woman.

@lanabye Leaving aside any opinion on what you should or shouldn't be doing.... Do you have any sense that your DD is unusual in any other way? Is she entering puberty early perhaps? Does she struggle verbally, socially, or with coordination? Have meltdowns for any other reason than the bedtime routine?

What about her Dad? Any neurodiversity? Engineer or IT guy?

@lanabye .. I just wanted to say your. Great sounding mum, you really are.
And by letting dd sleep with you, you are putting her needs first.

And by questioning yiur partners behaviour is also putting dd first.

Spaceship,. Why have you singled out engineer and it guy!!

@SpaceshiptoMars why did you single out engineer and it

Oh well, I guess that relationship won't last. Shame for you, and I think you're letting your kid run your life, but I wasn't there, so I don't really know.

Hitting and screaming at your Mum at any age is NOT acceptable. If she was screaming he probably had to shout. If it had been me I would simply have said it is bedtime,if you do not want to go to sleep, dont but you are staying in your room until morning. Is there anything you need, if not good night love, ina firm calm voice. If she gets up take her back to her room and leave her there. You might have to do it a few times but eventually she will get the message.

I don’t know the ins and outs of this but I was in a similar situation as a child (just me and my mum for a long time, I was a bad sleeper, mums partner would get very riled up at my sleeping problems etc.) and I just want to say....your DD comes first. She comes first. Please choose her and consider her needs above his. I’m sure your partner is not a bad person but he isn’t her dad and it sounds like you are extremely close to your DD. You are so vulnerable when you’re 8 and don’t deserve an adults anger at you because you have trouble sleeping. I’d suggest asking your partner to fully remove himself from this situation until you get it under control or talk with your partner about it just the two of you and come up with a plan of how you are both going to calmly support your DD through this.
Do not choose a mans feelings over your daughters. This happened to me and it has stayed with me all my adult life.

Also just to echo what another poster said about a child acting out when there is something else going on. Children so rarely do that at a young age just to annoy a parent, it is usually because they feel scared/vulnerable/upset etc. It is not fair of me to say my situation as a child is the same as yours but all I would ask is that you look at DD’s feelings first and why she is acting out in this way before jumping to your partners aid and easing his upset.

Not to dispute what you’re both saying here, but my eight year old niece is a hitter. And a tantrummer. And a shouter. And a pusher overer of smaller children. And a kicker of dogs. And general pusher of buttons.

I assure you, there is no fear at the root of it. All that causes it is when her phenomenally soft (weak) parents on occasion try to desperately exert some control over her, she kicks off and knows exactly how to get them to back down. Normally by hurting smaller children or the family dog. Or breaking things. Or screaming until she’s sick.

She’s been assessed, there’s no underlying causes. She’s just been so indulged her whole life that when she’s not, she’s livid. Absolutely livid.

I know that might sound intolerant from me, and I do see it isn’t her fault, but it’s how it is. The extended family are watching through gritted teeth and hoping she grows out of it. Or they seek professional help.

@Herejustforthisone I would definitely say that my DD is a less extreme case of your niece, in the sense that her lashing out is due to her not being indulged rather than any deep rooted fear etc. She gets absolutely everything that she wants and she knows that she can push it with me whereas her dad doesn’t let her. I really do need to change the way I parent her, because this is a disaster. I thought I’d done so well raising her practically alone but I’ve made such a mess of it.

That’s rubbish though, there definitely is an underlying clause. Children ultimately want to be happy, and she sounds miserable. Unless you think she’s just incapable of appropriate juman emotion - ie she’s a psychopath - then there’s always a reason. Maybe her laidback parents cause her to be anxious and she’s desperate for some kind of control?

@Herejustforthisone these kids don’t exist on mumsnet though. Always SEN or some underlying trauma 🙄 never spoilt! 😂

Oh fgs come off it. Yes kids want to be happy. It makes them unhappy when they aren’t getting what they want so when they’re SPOILED AND INDULGED they throw tantrums.

Oh OP. You haven't made a mess of it. You love your DD, and you're trying to help her.

Your DP gets angry with her, then blanks her. There are posters here getting hideously close to 'she made him do it.' That's inappropriate in so many ways.

Your DD is 8 and needs loving help to manage her feelings and reactions. Your DP isn't the one to deliver it. Whatever his good points, his behaviour could land some invisible emotional blows on your DD which could manifest in months and years to come. Please take on board the comments of pp who have grown up with something similar.

Her behaviour needs to be addressed but at 8 years old, she isn't to blame for it. She is unlikely to feel secure and happy in this situation, and you need to unpack that together, with help, and without your DP. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You're here, seeking advice, and that's a great start.

@Happyplace88 tantrums that include kicking dogs and bullying smaller children? How many kids do you know who do that?

I don't agree that children act out purely from fear. I've had dogs, and were constantly vying for my attention. Children are not so different. OP's daughter liked having all her mother's time and attention, now she feels displaced. Thing is, there is nothing wrong with her mother sharing her attention with another person, and the kindest thing OP can do is make that absolutely clear, and setting firm boundaries on her reactions. A child's 'needs' do not always trump everyone else's, which is what is effectively happening here.

@Herejustforthisone See you said it better. I could not agree with you more.

Oh yes, so incredibly spoiled - having a stranger move in, take her mothers attention, manhandle her and blank her - she’s living the dream!

Poor little girl. I really think you need to think about your priorities OP - and what your daughter is trying to tell you.

I honestly can’t believe some of these replies - No wonder there are so many kids and adults with mental health problems around if that is the standard attitude on how we raise children …..

For what it’s worth I stayed with both of mine til they were asleep until the age of 11 - they are now extremely well adjusted and happy teenagers (unlike some of their friends with harsher parents!)

Oh yes, so incredibly spoiled - having a stranger move in

A stranger? Look, you can't just make things up for dramatic effect. The OP has clearly explained that she was with her OH for a few years before he moved in. I'm sure the child knew him well before he moved in.

Fair enough! Still, she doesn’t seem to have have emotional ties to the man, so I guess it’s more like an acquitance moving in? Still not great tbh.

OP you sound like a great mum. Hang in there, your child knows you love her fiercely and that is a huge bonus. She’ll be fine, it just takes time!!! Sleeping problems are a lot more common than the perfect mumsnet parents make it out to be.

Knowing someone is completely different from having them move into your space. This is a new situation.

OP please don't question your parenting because a man who stonewalls a child is judging you or because some posters on this thread are. It's obvious there are a lot of posters on here who don't have any DC at all. Your partner is trying to drive a wedge between you and your DD. As a PP said, your DD has to come first. No decent man or partner would stonewall a child. He is showing you who he is.

Oooh he wouldn’t be staying in my house if he interfered with the way I parented my children. No man is ever going to move in here and shout at my children, physically restrain them or blank them in their own home.

You are wet - in not standing up to him more decisively.

Your poor child needs you and your unconditional love. By all means, work on the sleep issues but because you want to, not because some man says so.

Equallt she shouldn’t be kicking and hitting but it’s not for him to wade in and deal with.

Id be ending it with him pronto.

(Before you ask I do have an 8 yo and he sleeps in his own bed, goes to sleep on his own etc but that’s not the point. I do things my way here. If I wanted to do it differently that’s what I’d do.)

It's obvious there are a lot of posters on here who don't have any DC at all

What absolute rubbish.