To visit multiple unis with DD before she does her UCAS application?

[MintyCedricRidesAgain]

So you can apply for 5 places...we're looking at 7.

4 are day trip distance, 3 are further afield and require an overnight stay in cheap hotel.

I want to be as supportive as I can of DD as that was something I didn't get at all from my own parents. It was completely out of my dad's frame of reference and my mum was actively against it.

I'm a single parent and not especially flush at the moment but this is really important to me and DD. It's 3-4 years of her life, huge student loans and a life changing experience. I want her to be confident in her decision and happy with the outcome.

My mum is constantly on my back about how OTT and indulgent I'm being and frankly it's driving me up the wall. Whilst it's none of her business and won't change my approach, AIBU?

Indulgent? I had your experience as a teen, OP, and I missed out as a result. It still bothers me. You are absolutely doing the right thing by your DD and I don't think you should discuss it with your DM as she obviously doesn't agree with you.

YAdefinitelyNBU. Tell your mum to butt out, or just stop discussing it with her at all.

Most parents now accompany their children when looking at unis, in fact they sometimes have talks just for parents whilst their child does a tour round their chosen faculty. DH and DS went to an open day yesterday, DH said he saw very few students without a parent accompanying them

Besides, from a purely financial POV it makes sense to do your research that it's the right uni for your DD as it's a lot of money to waste if it's not right.

YANBU at all. My parents each visited 1 Uni with me and felt they’d done their bit. I was left to apply, sort out loans etc. They constantly talk about all the support they gave me 🙄. I will be doing what you are doing for my own DC. You sound like a fantastic parent.

My parents did not go with me on any university visits and I picked the right one. Most of the people on these visits also didn't have parents with them. Got to admit it feels like we are going backwards in some ways by treating young adults as infants.

Having said that my parents could have given me better advice regarding a levels etc.

I would be careful that you are actually helping your daughter, not projecting what you want on to her.

Does SHE (daughter) mind you being so actively involved? If not then its none of your mum's business.
That said, you need to be certain that your child is okay with it and isn't just allowing you to (?) take control to be kind.

For me its all about your child. What does she want?

It's not indulgent for her to want to visit the places that she might be living for the next 3-4 years. I might ask if she'd rather go alone or with a friend for some of the day trip ones, but if she's more comfortable with you there then go.

Also had an experience similar to yours, also want to support my DD much more than I was supported - so, YADNBU, just ignore your mum and book the trips. When your mum bangs on about it just grey rock, change the subject, or “we’ve had this conversation already”.

Before you go for the visits, it will be a good idea to get together with DD to make a list of her priorities for what she wants out of her time at uni, so she/you can ask the right Qs at the open days. Seven potential options is a lot and you’ll need to whittle them down somehow.

You sound great, and your DD is lucky to have a mum who cares enough to do this for her x

I wonder if your mother is feeling somewhat defensive, given how glaringly obvious the disparity in experiences between what you are prepared to do for your daughter, and what they were prepared to do for you?

I know I got an awful lot of judgemental bullshit from my mother about various parenting decisions, because she felt I made her look bad. Tough shit.

I'm seems odd for a parent to go with a child for this. I went to a number of open days alone, including one overnighter. As I remember everyone else was also there without parents. that was the early 80s, but I can't imagine why it would be different now.

Surely this is good practice for becoming independent and living away from home - in other words - being at university. So yes, I think she should visit a few, but I don't see why she needs you with her.

I got very little out of the open days tbh

and seeing all those…. Goodness you’ll lose track.

Look at the course closely and i mean closely, with your daughter.

discard the ones that don’t appeal and then visit 5 absolute max.

otherwise I suspect overwhelming

Oh bugger independence

this is surely about going with someone to then I’ve someone to evaluate and discuss and ruminate with.

common sense. A second opinion that you value.

That was 40 years ago. Things have changed, you have to pay an awful lot more for one thing, it's a bigger decision to get wrong.

I had a similar experience to you OP in the late 90s I would have really liked to visit unis with parents but my dad was absent and my mum couldn't really facilitate it with younger siblings (too young to be left over night) plus she had one of those jobs (teacher) where days off weren't an option in term time.

It's not showing a lack of independence to have someone with you to give a second opinion. Also you know, it's nice to have some quality time with your children.

@Ohthatsexciting If that's what she feels she really needs. I would have felt it to be more suffocating than helpful, and may well have swayed me towards a university that wouldn't in fact have been such a good fit for me (even though my mum was great and we got on amazingly well - she would probably have had different priorities). As it was it never even occurred to me that my mum would go with me or that I needed any other sort of input in order to come to a decision.

I do agree that the number of visits should be limited though - four maximum I would think.

My DC & their friends all went to university open days with a parent. It meant their experience of the open day was focussed on them & what they would get out of the course rather then than them getting caught up with their friends’ opinions.

PPs who went to uni in the days when you could sign on in the holidays and got housing benefit had very different experiences to those our children will have.

Do what’s right now for your daughter (& think about getting a friends & family railcard with her, one return trip to Manchester from London paid for ours).

YANBU I visited 3 places with my DS and he saw 2 more local places with school. We did book into another 2 tours but ended up cancelling them as he changed his mind. Two we visited were overnight stays and one was a day trip. The vast majority of the prospective students were there with a parent.

@mbosnz I suspect that has a lot to do with it tbh.

@AssignedSlytherinAtBirth I'm sorry you missed out too...I didn't make it to uni in the end as the opposition put me off too much, and I've bitterly regretted it ever since.

As for me being a 'helicopter parent'...🤣

DD is fiercely independent but we get on well and she values my opinion. I suggested she could go to some on her own and she was horrified! I think as much as anything it's a nice opportunity to spend some uninterrupted quality time together and of course I'm needed as taxi service for the longer trips.

None of her mates are considering the same unis and we're combining one trip with a visit to family too.

It's very very different now! I'd say 90+% of young people have their parents with them. Whether that's good or bad is for another thread but it's unusual for kids to go on their own now.

Investing time and money in your child’s education and helping them to make decisions about their future is not indulgent. It is called good parenting and I fully intend to do the same next year when my DD starts thinking about university.

I think you will find what you are doing is called good parenting!!! You deserve a round of applause for being an interested and involved parent not been given grief

DM and DBro came with me to all my open days (DM was a single mum so couldn’t leave him) but I went on the tours by myself while she checked out the grounds, or the local area.

We always made a day of it and got dinner together before we left, so I could imagine what it might be like to live there. It was lovely, and I’ll definitely be doing the same with DS.

We visited 6 I think and one of the three times and one two because DD could not decide. Its a really important decision and they're all so different that it's really helpful to see as many as possible... If you're on FB there's a group called WIWIKAU that is set up for parents of students and prospective students. We'll worth a look.

I’m currently doing this with my twin daughters. They want to look at a couple of the same unis, but also several different ones. We have always encouraged their independence from eachother as much as they want. I’m not particularly keen on the cost and time spent travelling, but it’s invaluable for them.

Hi OP. I visited a few unis on my own, but for the northern ones my mum, dad and I made a road trip of it (we're in the south east). Durham the first day, Edinburgh the second, York the third. We fitted in a trip to Durham cathedral and a walk in the Yorkshire Dales. I remember it as a really wonderful experience with my parents and look back on it really fondly.