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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To visit multiple unis with DD before she does her UCAS application?

152 replies

MintyCedricRidesAgain · 19/06/2022 14:24

So you can apply for 5 places...we're looking at 7.

4 are day trip distance, 3 are further afield and require an overnight stay in cheap hotel.

I want to be as supportive as I can of DD as that was something I didn't get at all from my own parents. It was completely out of my dad's frame of reference and my mum was actively against it.

I'm a single parent and not especially flush at the moment but this is really important to me and DD. It's 3-4 years of her life, huge student loans and a life changing experience. I want her to be confident in her decision and happy with the outcome.

My mum is constantly on my back about how OTT and indulgent I'm being and frankly it's driving me up the wall. Whilst it's none of her business and won't change my approach, AIBU?

OP posts:

TeachesOfPeaches · 19/06/2022 15:19

Everyone takes their parents to the open days now as the parents are often the ones paying all the fees

Anothernamechangeplease · 19/06/2022 15:20

Yanbu. I have been doing the same with my dd. We are actually enjoying our grand tour of the UK, and I have seen it as a lovely way to spend some time with her before she goes off to uni next year. She doesn't need me there at all... she has been to a couple by herself when I haven't been available to accompany her... but she enjoys having the company and values the second opinion. It's a big decision and it's nice for them to have someone to discuss it with.

Skidaramink · 19/06/2022 15:21

I think you are doing the right thing.

I was completely left to my own devices - open days were never even suggested.

I remember I got an interview at Oxford - about 1.5 hours’ drive from home. I was really worried about about how to find the coach stop in the middle of London and where to get off and find my college in Oxford. I remember telling Mum that morning that I didn’t want to go because I was so worried about how to get there, and asked if she would drive me instead. I said if I had to get the coach then I wouldn’t go. She told me that was entirely up to me but she wasn’t going to drive me because she had better things to do!

At the last minute I decided to brave it and go, and I ended up getting offered a place to study there. But she was clearly perfectly willing for me to miss my chance at Oxford just because she didn’t want to drive me somewhere 1.5 hours away! I can’t really believe she did that, looking back. It’s not that she was a bad mother (quite the opposite) but I’m sort of astounded at how little help and support she gave me. I certainly plan to take a different approach with my children.

TokyoTen · 19/06/2022 15:21

I think it's great to go together if your DD wants to. We took both sons to 3 each (they didn't want to visit more). It's really important to look at the course content, the campus, the surroundings and where she'll be living - plus it is nice to have someone to discuss it with. Don't listen to your DM!

Mymoneydontjigglejiggle · 19/06/2022 15:25

I'm mid 30s and everyone took their parents (or, indeed, were taken by their parents ) to look round universities on open days when I went. So much so that most places offered parent talks during the day. The only uni I didn't look at with my parents was one I went to with a friend and her parents took us instead. Very normal, nothing weird about it.

dustofneptune · 19/06/2022 15:26

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! I think it's lovely.

I went to see a few unis before I made my choices. It was a really good job I did, because I actually ended up feeling really uncomfortable and out of place at my original first choice. The one I ended up going to wasn't even in my top 3, but I just felt really excited when I visited. I had such a great time there.

My parents didn't really take an active interest in any of it. My dad just pressured and lectured me about getting my "quals" 🙄and my mom didn't really understand any of it. I think if you're taking an active interest and your daughter wants you to go with her, why not?!

daisypond · 19/06/2022 15:27

I think it’s OK for you to go, but having said that, I went on my own back in the day -that was in the times when universities often did interviews, so when I went to my interview I looked round. But I’d already applied to them. My DD also didn’t look round any of her university applications before she applied. She actually wasn’t going to go to university but suddenly applied at the last minute on the last day. We didn’t know anything about it!

MissMogwai · 19/06/2022 15:27

YANBU it's a big decision. I went to a couple with my DD and she's going to a couple more with her friends, including revisiting the one she really wants to go to.

My parents didn't come with me or get involved at all in my further education but that was in the late 90's and things change.

It's an exciting but also daunting time for young people, of course they need some support.

CloudPop · 19/06/2022 15:28

It's not "treating adults like toddlers" to take them to a university open day! As others have said, it's a nice way of spending some time together. As long as both parties are happy, what's the problem? It's a big decision and fair enough if some (most) 16/17 year olds are happy to have a parent around. If parents are going to "project" and interfere with the decision making process they will do that anyway.

mommandme · 19/06/2022 15:29

7 is not excessive at all.

I went to 6 with my daughter. The five she applied one and one she loved on paper, but when we got there she didn't like at all.

She ending up firming her first choice that she always wanted all along, but surprised that her insurance choice was her 6th choice on paper, but she fell in love with it when she visited. It would be her first choice if it wasn't one of her lowest offers. Two others she didn't get offers for.

In my day, it was UCCA and PCAS. I was interviewed at all 8 places. Again, the very last choice I selected on paper was the one I loved and ended up going to. The one I loved on paper (and applied to twice) I hated in real life, and ended up not selecting at all.

No amount of research compares to the feel of a uni. What works on paper doesn't always work in real life. No one would buy a house without seeing it first, so why would we expect children to invest £60k on moving to a city they've never seen, and have no idea if they're going to be happy there or not? As a teacher, seen too many students drop out from poorly chosen unis over the years. Not worth it imho.

JustG0G0G0000 · 19/06/2022 15:32

Bought a student rail card & with a few of my friends, we visited about 10 unis, in just a few days

No parents

The uni that I chose was a great choice !

Hesma · 19/06/2022 15:32

As a Sixth Form Manager I’d encourage you to do this if you can. Your DD will get a feel for the place and can ask questions about the course. My parents did this for me and it helped me make the right decision. It’s so important and I think you should be applauded for supporting your child. Out will also give you peace of mind to see where your child is .

Applesandroses · 19/06/2022 15:33

My dad visited 4 unis with me and I went with a friend and her mum to the fifth. I was glad to have someone with me as its always nice to compare opinions, and people see things a different way (like taking a friend or partner when you choose a car or buy a house etc)

I would totally go with her if you can, you can have some really nice bonding time with her

If I hadn't gone on my uni visits I would have ended up at a totally different uni, or at least with that one as my first choice, as on paper it made more sense, but in person it wasn't the place I felt most comfortable.

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 19/06/2022 15:35

I would call it being a supportive parent. We were not able to uni open days due to covid but when restrictions eased we did a few long one day trips to get a feel for the city. For the furthest uni we turned it into a mini break.

This coupled with the online open days was enough to choose DD's five options, firm and insurance.

SkadoodleLou · 19/06/2022 15:35

7 is fine, see it as an adventure of discovering new places. My parents didn't come with me and I had no one to discuss things with whilst I was touring round as any friends on the coach with me were doing completely different degrees.

With Ds we all went as DS2 won't be far behind. DS1 did student tours, we went to the parental talk. It was good for him m to be able to talk to us about different things especially things like campus or city universities.

I do think your Mum is thinking back to how unsupportive she was of you. And things have definitely changed since I toured unis in the early 90s. We only saw a couple of students without their parents. Some had one, lots had two.

underneaththeash · 19/06/2022 15:36

thecatneuterer · 19/06/2022 14:35

I'm seems odd for a parent to go with a child for this. I went to a number of open days alone, including one overnighter. As I remember everyone else was also there without parents. that was the early 80s, but I can't imagine why it would be different now.

Surely this is good practice for becoming independent and living away from home - in other words - being at university. So yes, I think she should visit a few, but I don't see why she needs you with her.

My parents came with me and that would have been in the early 90s - very few people were there without their parents.

OompaLoompaa · 19/06/2022 15:36

I am with you OP, I visited 10 with my DC, they were all full of 17 year olds and their middle aged parents.
We really enjoyed the visits particularly looking at the accommodation, the campus’ and seeng how close they were to the local town etc.

notgreatthanks · 19/06/2022 15:36

I went to three, she went to a further two with friends. No overnight stays thankfully.

Northernlurker · 19/06/2022 15:36

When my oldest were looking at uni I noticed that there's really now lots more parents coming along. That wasn't a thing when I was that age but I'm n my mid forties so it's some time ago. You are being a good mum. Tell your mum to try being as supportive of you as you are of dd!

Cameleongirl · 19/06/2022 15:38

Haven’t RTFT, but I did this with my stents back in the 1990’s. We came up with a shortlist and I’m so glad I had the opportunity as it really helped me make the right decision. A couple were immediate no’s once I’d visited the campuses!

i now live in the US and DD (17) is applying this autumn. DH has taken her to a couple of fairly local ones already (weekend trips, about an hour away) and we’re now planning some summer trips further afield. It’s abit of a pain and it costs money-but it’s worth it so they have a sense of the places and don’t waste time/money going somewhere that’s not a good fit. Best of luck to your DD!

CallOnMe · 19/06/2022 15:38

YANBU

My parents were against me going to university and we fell out over it which is absolutely ridiculous and something I would never do with my DD.

Be carefully you’re not pushing her or being too involved though.
As a single parent myself I know it’s hard finding that balance between encouraging your DCs to do things we missed out on but also letting them find their own path.

If you can afford it if absolutely look at different unis. It will be fun having those road trips and you can really use it as a bonding experience before she moves out.
She will never forget how you helped her choose her perfect one.

If moneys tight though I’d try and do as much research as possible and try and get it down. 7 is a lot and I think visiting them only gives you a feel for them, it doesn’t tell you that much and I think she’d still struggle with a decision.

Cameleongirl · 19/06/2022 15:38

*parents not stents. 🤣

nokidshere · 19/06/2022 15:38

Mine didn't want us to go with them. The oldest went to his first choice one on his own and spent 20 mins there, he didn't visit any others.

Youngest visited 3 with his friends and met up with DH at a 4th so he could get a lift back.

murasaki · 19/06/2022 15:40

I went to my choices with a group of friends who were planning on studying the same subject, and were all looking at the same choices. Parents paid the train fares and left us to it. I have fond memories of us navigating the country and pretending to be grown ups. And going to the pub....worked fine for us, great days out. But then it was 94, fees were free...

Lou898 · 19/06/2022 15:41

My youngest son is going to Uni in Sept and he wasn’t going to see any (his choice not mine). I finally persuaded him to go to 3 with me (his dad ended up coming too) and soo glad he did. Visiting them and doing their taster days totally flipped his original choices. I’m happy the Uni we as parents felt was the right one for him is the one he finally chose.
I do think it’s important to visit as many are different in reality to their glossy brochures. I have to say one of the taster days was a complete shambles and in complete contrast to the other 2.

They are definitely worth a visit and there were only a few students without parents. Plus like others have said they often have parent sessions too.
Good luck in finding the right university for your daughter.

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