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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To visit multiple unis with DD before she does her UCAS application?

152 replies

MintyCedricRidesAgain · 19/06/2022 14:24

So you can apply for 5 places...we're looking at 7.

4 are day trip distance, 3 are further afield and require an overnight stay in cheap hotel.

I want to be as supportive as I can of DD as that was something I didn't get at all from my own parents. It was completely out of my dad's frame of reference and my mum was actively against it.

I'm a single parent and not especially flush at the moment but this is really important to me and DD. It's 3-4 years of her life, huge student loans and a life changing experience. I want her to be confident in her decision and happy with the outcome.

My mum is constantly on my back about how OTT and indulgent I'm being and frankly it's driving me up the wall. Whilst it's none of her business and won't change my approach, AIBU?

OP posts:
ItsReallyOnlyMe · 19/06/2022 15:01

You're doing the right thing. I visited 8 with my DD and through that made the right decision.

It's actually quite nice when they're 18 to spend the day with them. Smile, then ignore those who disagree with your plans.

@thecatneuterer It really is so different now. I visited none with my parents, but now almost all students are accompanied by 1 or both parents. Some universities run workshops just for parents. I think the change happened as grants were phased out and parents ended up shouldering more financially. A parent can also point out things that an 18 year old wouldn't think about.

Wakemeuuuup · 19/06/2022 15:01

We visited our 1st university yesterday. I didn't see any prospective students who didn't have at least 1 parent. We're going to 3 here and 2 abroad

Dreikanter · 19/06/2022 15:01

Surely it depends what your DD wants?

I was an early 80s uni student and did the visits / interviews by myself (working around train strikes as well). My eldest DC was happy to be dropped at prospective unis and looked around on their own. I suspect youngest DC won’t want a parent in tow but I’m happy to go along if that’s what is wanted.

LIZS · 19/06/2022 15:01

Yanbu but bear in mind some may interview or run applicant/offer-holder days so you could spread out visits of there are some she is set on anyway.

Blinkingfabulous · 19/06/2022 15:01

It's great that you are supporting your daughter and it sounds like she's keen to do all these open days together.
I think my mother was about as supportive as yours! I was accepted to a top 5 uni after my UCAS application but never even visited it as my mother told me it was too far away (ie she couldn't be arsed to drive me there with my stuff). Still one of my big regrets that I didn't accept that offer.
You're giving your daughter the help she needs to make the best choice for her and it's a great thing!

Theredjellybean · 19/06/2022 15:02

My dsd and I ( her dad is away a lot at the moment and she lives pretty much FT with us) are visiting loads more than you..doing 10 i think in total, as she is wavering between 2 courses, one being very niche and not offered at many places and the second being medicine and the courses don't overlap at every uni
I will happily take her to as many as she wants, to ensure she has as much info / experience before making a choice.
why would you be indulgent or helicoptoring because you want to support your dd in making the right choice ?
ignore anyone who is saying you are ...and enjoy this time, i am loving trips with my dsd, we chat,laugh, get excited about stuff etc.( judge other people at the open day)
financially we dont have any pressure so can afford this, but i know some unis are offering vouchers/financial help for open days

Mennex · 19/06/2022 15:04

I'm with you OP. Nobody helped or supported me much and I made lots of mistakes. I have been on 2 with my DS so far and 3 or 4 more booked. He wants my advice and he's also asking me to give him 10 grand a year for 3 years to live off while he's at uni which I am happy to do but am damn well going to try and guide him into making good choices! He does seem to be but they're 17 year olds ...

ArtVandalay · 19/06/2022 15:05

Blimey, this is not remotely indulgent.

We visited loads of unis with both of ours. It took up loads of time and miles, but I'd say pretty much every 17/18 year old we saw was with their parents.

For the ones that were the other end of the country,(Newcastle/Edinburgh/Durham/Manchester), we made a weekend of it.

KangarooKenny · 19/06/2022 15:07

Do what you think is right and don’t invite an opinion from your mother.

balalake · 19/06/2022 15:07

Depends on the course I think, but as a general idea I am with you OP. No amount of glossy prospectuses and websites can do the same as actually visiting somewhere.

Ohthatsexciting · 19/06/2022 15:07

@thecatneuterer
do you have children?

OperationRinka · 19/06/2022 15:08

Tell your mum that since DD will be spending forty-odd grand on this choice and you'll be spending fifteen (or whatever) you do actually want to see what you're both signing up for. She might have been delighted to commit to tens of thousands of pounds of outlay based on minimal research but you prefer to take a more prudent approach.

That should shut her up.

goldfinchonthelawn · 19/06/2022 15:10

YANBU, you are being supportive. Having said that, 7 seems excessive. She needs to do more research online and narrow it down. Ask her to look at the course prospectuses for the subject she wants to do as they can vary massively from uni to uni. Then discuss the kind of life she would enjoy - exploring a big city or campus life. From this info, she will geta better sense of where she might want to be. Are there a couple that are her top choices? At least one 'safe bet' she would genuinely enjoy?

I'd visit no more than five - the five she intends to put down on her form. It really is pricey doing the uni tour. Even staying in the cheapest grimmest B&B and eating take outs will add up. I don't know anyone who visited 7 unis in person.

FrecklesMalone · 19/06/2022 15:10

My parents definitely didn't take me and not would I have wanted them to. They did pay for my train and bus tickets though to visit a few. I would have been mortified but times have changed

Mennex · 19/06/2022 15:12

Its different now when parents are expected to pay. It's a business now. Would you spend 30/40K on a car without test driving it etc?

MayMi · 19/06/2022 15:12

Go for it, it'll make for fun trips for you and your DD together too 🙌🏻

Original poster
MintyCedricRidesAgain · 19/06/2022 15:14

OperationRinka · 19/06/2022 15:08

Tell your mum that since DD will be spending forty-odd grand on this choice and you'll be spending fifteen (or whatever) you do actually want to see what you're both signing up for. She might have been delighted to commit to tens of thousands of pounds of outlay based on minimal research but you prefer to take a more prudent approach.

That should shut her up.

Oh I wish...that was the days when grants were still available, yet much was made of they fact (by mum) that they wouldn't be able to help me financially, I'd never get a part time job in a new location so would be on my uppers within weeks, they wouldn't be able to come and support me in an emergency etc...

As it stands DD will qualify for full course fees and maintenance loans but I certainly don't her taking on £60-80k of student debt without knowing exactly what she's getting into.

OP posts:
MintyGreenDreams · 19/06/2022 15:15

You're not being indulgent.Shes pissed off that its obvious that she wasn't as supportive as you are being now with your dd.

bumpytrumpy · 19/06/2022 15:16

No one came with me to my open days. It was a lonely and overwhelming experience.
No one from my family or many of my class had even considered uni as an option. I was desperate to break out of the mould but pretty clueless as to how.
I did make it, but not without mistakes and sacrifices. I now live and work in circles I didn't know existed back then.
Why wouldn't I want my children to benefit from my mistakes and learnings... I will certainly be accompanying them and facilitating their exposure to a wider variety of options than I ever got.
That's part of being a good parent I think - help your children to the best of your ability. My DM was not a bad mum, but she just didn't know what she didn't know.

Original poster
MintyCedricRidesAgain · 19/06/2022 15:17

goldfinchonthelawn · 19/06/2022 15:10

YANBU, you are being supportive. Having said that, 7 seems excessive. She needs to do more research online and narrow it down. Ask her to look at the course prospectuses for the subject she wants to do as they can vary massively from uni to uni. Then discuss the kind of life she would enjoy - exploring a big city or campus life. From this info, she will geta better sense of where she might want to be. Are there a couple that are her top choices? At least one 'safe bet' she would genuinely enjoy?

I'd visit no more than five - the five she intends to put down on her form. It really is pricey doing the uni tour. Even staying in the cheapest grimmest B&B and eating take outs will add up. I don't know anyone who visited 7 unis in person.

She's done extensive research but is wavering on:

London vs elsewhere
Campus vs non Campus
Variations in content of degree...depending on where she goes she's looking at Law (with different optional modules at each uni); Law and Politics and PPL

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 19/06/2022 15:17

I only visited my first choice and went alone (no other option!). They offered me an unconditional place, so I didn't bother with the others. My brother went with his son to the open days, and that was right for them. I think it's a lovely idea if your DD wants you to go with her.

Thissucksmonkeynuts · 19/06/2022 15:17

Go with her if it's something that you would both enjoy doing, or she can head of and have a look herself. I had a choice if 2 HE courses, and saw them at interview. I chose based on what I saw on that day. Both were an over night stay away from home, I'd imagine doing trip like that would be massively easier now with mobiles and internet.

AchatAVendre · 19/06/2022 15:17

I don't think its a great way of helping your DD to choose tbh, because, try as you might, you will be influencing her with your thoughts and opinions, whereas what she needs to do is focus on whats right for her, and talking to other prospective students and gaining her own impressions. You can support her in other ways without actually going with her. Its a great preparation for actually going to university - travelling on her own and organising herself, etc..

I also think you need to cut the possibles down from 7 to about 3. You don't have to visit all 7 of them to make a decision. Theres plenty of information out there on the internet.

Oblomov22 · 19/06/2022 15:18

I would wait till she's narrowed it down, 7 seems like a lot.

thecatneuterer · 19/06/2022 15:18

@ohthatsexciting no I don't. I've also never known any since being a child myself. So it's interesting to hear how much less independent they are considered to be now.