To visit multiple unis with DD before she does her UCAS application?

[MintyCedricRidesAgain]

So you can apply for 5 places...we're looking at 7.

4 are day trip distance, 3 are further afield and require an overnight stay in cheap hotel.

I want to be as supportive as I can of DD as that was something I didn't get at all from my own parents. It was completely out of my dad's frame of reference and my mum was actively against it.

I'm a single parent and not especially flush at the moment but this is really important to me and DD. It's 3-4 years of her life, huge student loans and a life changing experience. I want her to be confident in her decision and happy with the outcome.

My mum is constantly on my back about how OTT and indulgent I'm being and frankly it's driving me up the wall. Whilst it's none of her business and won't change my approach, AIBU?

I would be careful that you are actually helping your daughter, not projecting what you want on to her.

Absolutely not. My mum is very much that way inclined and if anything I tend to go too far the other way.

Also, DD is studying Law...my background is journalism and graphic design so I am well aware I am in no position to advise as I don't have a clue!

Me too...especially when I saw the prices at the student bar!

Seems logical thing to do and if dd wants you then why wouldn't you go.

My parents were terrified of the costs and persuaded me stay home - something they now deeply regret as I moved half way across the world after uni. My parents were just a different generation and didn't get the idea of uni.

My dad took me to open days, interviews and offer holder days 30 years ago because I had no other way of getting there.

Go with her to the uni open days.

We had a fabulous year attending uni open days and making a weekend out of each one. We visited many parts of the country we'd never been to before, it was great quality time spent together.

I think it really depends on whether your DD wants to go to all 7 and whether she wants you to go with her.

My DD went to 6. I went for 3 and we went to the open days together, for 1 I drove her there, she went to look at the uni then we spent some time looking around the city together and for the other 2 she went on the train with friends.

I do think it's really important for your DD to look at the uni's and areas as it's a big decision. My DD's preferences changed when she visited.

Also to say, you sound really lovely, OP.

Enjoy as many lovely visits as you can 💕

YANBU at all, this is exactly what my husband and I have promised ourselves and our kids, I didn’t go to uni and had no support whatsoever from my parents despite the fact they both went, they both assumed I would sort it all myself if I wanted to go and I was not in the right place at that time to do so mentally.

Back in the 80's my school took me 10(?) miles to look at the local Uni and 30 to a Poly (yes, they still existed) and our maths teacher sent a handful of us off to Exeter for a pre-Uni maths course (i remember my Mum spending a while talking about accommodation to the organiser, but otherwise we were all despatched with National Express tickets).

I also visited 2 others before narrowing down my options.

There must have been a lot of Open Days online in the past 2 years; could they help you narrow down locations/subjects?

I think this is lovely.

I had absolutely zero support from my parents when it came to Uni. I only stayed for one term or I would have starved to death- all my loan money went on extortionate rent. I remember asking my mum, in utter desperation, if I could please have £20 to buy cheap noodles and she replied "you struck out on your own, and that's where you are, I'm afraid: time to grow up."
When I packed up my stuff and left, I realised my mum had decided that since I'd gone to uni, that's where I would now be staying forevermore and I no longer had a home to return to. So I slept on a friend's sofa in her shared house for three months until my dad "took pity" on me and let me sleep on his living room floor, despite having two empty bedrooms. And he charged me £250 a month to do so. Because I made the choice to leave and go to uni, I had to now pay rent, council tax etc. So I couldn't afford to continue studying- I had to get a shitty bar job so I didn't end up on the streets. At 18.

I have never forgiven my parents for this. It remains a horrible black mark in my past. And I am utterly determined that no matter what mine want to do and where they want to go, I'll be there to view it all with them and support them in their decisions. I'll keep their rooms for them until they're ready to move into their own homes and I'll always put my hand in my pocket to see them fed.

You're not being over the top. You're being a bloody good mum, and someone who is invested in her children's future and their well-being. I'd have loved it.

@TheViscountessBridgerton

I'm so, so sorry...that's really horrible.

That was the kind of thing that was hinted at by my mum although I don't doubt she would have helped me out had I gone and got into a sticky situation.

It's only fairly recently I've realised she has raging (and understandable tbf) separation anxiety so she will lash out if someone she loves wants to do something outside her comfort zone.

Went to quite a number of unis for both of our children.
Never occurred to us to not attend.

Some had joint parent/student talks.
Some had talks/taster lectures that all were invited to but students decided if they wanted parents there or not.

My husband and I often just strolled around. Plenty of coffee / lunch options.

Particularly loved one uni that gave us canvas bags with re-usable water bottles , flasks and... STATIONERY !!! ( those who want a stationery corner might appreciate this!)

These were grand days out for my husband and me and we could chat about any pros and cons with our children.

Loved those days. So many places in so many lovely towns and cities that we might never have visited.

Just an aside... I'm a huge fan of pork pies and after driving away from University of Leicester we stopped at traffic lights next to The Pork Pie Library ... shaped like a pork pie!

Best of days.

My parents didn’t come with me but we went with my dc because frankly that’s what’s normal now. We did split up once there though and they went to subject talks especially where places were limited in their own . I think it’s important to let them take the lead and also not to take places in talks which are limited meaning potential students don’t get in. Some universities manage this better than others ( York was completely stuffed with dogs, children in pushchairs and grandparents , utterly ridiculous and it was the same in 2011 and 2019) .

in some places we agreed in advance how to split things for example he went to subject talks and I did the financial talk . At one place he went off with a couple of friends and the parents stuck together and also had a nice lunch ! But the most important thing is to let them take the lead.

in both cases we visited 6 , and dc1 applied to four we visited and one we hadn’t . Dc2 applied to 5/6 we visited. We had a great time actually , we still talk about our road trip , we had a playlist and it was fun. Well not Bristol because it poured all day but you can’t get everything!!

I've spent the past 4 years wishing I could go back in time, knowing what I know, to age 11. I would then work massively harder for 7 years to try and get into Lady Margaret Hall, Oxford.

My parents didn't get involved in my Uni application at all, I did all the research - filled in the forms, sorted all the finance - the lot. Didn't visit one place until I was invited for an interview at the Uni I ended up going to. Literally no support at all - I don't know how I managed it and would have loved them to be involved. Thankfully I had a couple of teachers that really believed in me and helped me so I was lucky. This weekend I am going on the first of 5 Uni visits with my daughter before she makes her own application 30 years on. I will continue to support her all the way through and will do the best I can to help her through the Uni process. Making life-changing decisions at the age of 16 is a lot. Keep doing what you are doing your DD will appreciate the support.

But it is* *different now.

Like you I went to Uni in the early 1980s and I did all my visits alone by train. And one did involve an overnight stay. That was normal then.

My DD went to Uni in 2014 so the year before then she had Open Days to attend. For her first one I assumed it would be something she did alone so I bought her a train ticket to London (we live in the North West) and waved her off at the station. Of course she was absolutely fine but she found she was the only person there without a parent!

Shortly after that we went to a meeting at the school about University applications and we were strongly advised to go alo with our offspring.

We went to all the rest and thoroughly enjoyed it. It is normal abs expected that parents will be there and ask questions. I think the big difference these days is that they are paying so much money for it and we were not paying anything so parents want to see what the money is going on.

My parents weren't against me attending uni as long as they didn't have to go out of their way to arrange anything and as long as it cost them nothing. Luckily it was the days of grants, and applying was discussed at sixth form. But there was no mention of attending any open days, and they never ever discussed whether I could live away from home, so I applied for what was local and would take my grades. And I commuted from home for the 4 years.

Not a disaster. But I'm happy to take my DC to a handful of open days as long as they fell on the weekend (teacher and no chance to take time off).

DD1 visited Cambridge, Durham and York with overnight stays. And we went on another 3 day trip distance visits. She's very happy with her uni and is in her final year.

DD2 has just started going on a few visits now. I saw zero unaccompanied students on Sat at the open day we went to, all were with parents or sometimes whole families.

My parents did this for me and I was really grateful. I think we looked around a similar number. It was really helpful too, as there was one uni that looked good on paper but I really didn’t like it when I looked around. For me it was really clear cut which offer would be my firm but if I hadn’t visited them I don’t think I would have known how to choose my insurance.

Definitely go with her and support her but I would cut down the number. It is very overwhelming and they all seem really good. Do some restart and think about things like cost of accommodation, how c rest it will be for her to get home for visits, holidays, the courses etc and visit the top 4 or 5 max.

I went to 2, my dad did one as it was nearer them and he lobed helping and she did 1 with a friend. We tried to do a mix and she's happy with how it was

I really feel we missed out on not being able to do visits with my eldest due to covid. I’m looking forward to visiting with my middle one. I don’t think we will do 7 but will defintely want to see her top 3-4 choices

One of the reasons why I think it’s good for a parent to go us to be the ‘sceptic’. The vast majority of universities nowadays are net recruiters , and open days are basically their sales pitch. There’s a reason why you get a lot more merchandise, piped music and freebies at some universities than you at others.

the positivity and selling can be overwhelming and it’s important to be there just picking up the facts from the hype and in the discussions afterwards to be able to point these out in later discussions. I found after the first couple of experiences the dc get this as well!

Another tip is to sit down with your dc to put together a list of essentials to find out at every visit and some specifics. Try to keep it fairly short. This gives a focus for the day, helps the dc to focus on what they like/don’t like and helps with comparisons afterwards.

For example; the subject talk is essential, although some thoughtful questions are useful. Some universities list hundreds of module choices but find out how many actually run each year, which are the constants and which have only run occasionally, how competitive is module choice etc .Do not ask questions in talks encourage your dc to ask them parents clogging up talks and not letting the young people get a look in is the worst part of open days. You are there as a critical friend not to do the work for them.

Make sure to look at where your dc might find their social group ( the initial weeks can be very overwhelming) ds2 plays sport but only casually so we didn’t waste time touring the sports facilities, one friend is a very keen net baller and she focused on the sport because she knew that it was where she would find her ‘tribe’. Ds is doing an arts subject with very little contact time but he is obsessed with libraries and hates working in his room so we did all the library tours and tried to get a feeling for study spaces etc. he was keen on student newspapers radio etc so we made sure to check that out. In both cases I wanted to find out about accommodation allocation and finding accommodation in years 2 and 3 and how far students have to travel. It’s all very well falling for the campus accommodation but you will only be there in the first year.

After all that it’s also good fun, there’s loads of smiley young people, a great atmosphere and it’s time together which is rare at this age. Enjoy 😊

p.s.Ds ended up at the university where halfway through the intro talk he leaned over and just said ‘ not sure why I even need to bother this is so obviously where I am meant to come’ he just knew instinctively from the feel. Luckily he got in as it was one of the selective ones! Similarly another place he thought he would love he just didn’t feel comfortable so it’s definitely worth it.

We went with ours, but 2 or 3. 7 seems a lot.I'd do it if you can afford it and have the time.

@Peaseblossum22

That's really helpful. Dd has a favourite on paper and is desperately hoping she gets that 'this is it' feeling when we visit next weekend.

The 'finding your tribe' point is a really good one. She said to me on Saturday's open day that she was looking at the other teenagers there and didn't see any that she thought 'yeah, I'd probably be mates with them'.

She's also been really on the fence between campus/non campus but as you say, realised at the weekend that she'll only be living there for a year so it doesn't matter so much.