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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for wedding

135 replies

DomPerignon12 · 18/06/2022 22:27

NC for this.
Planning our wedding and told by his family that the bride's family pays, traditionally in England.
So they'd be fully expecting to pay for his sister's, but not ours, although they will give us some money.
AIBU to be bothered by the unfairness?
Just to be clear we didn't ask them to pay for anything. They brought this up. Just a bit shocked as they're otherwise very generous (pay for meals out etc), and it's 2022!

OP posts:
Palavah · 18/06/2022 22:29

That is the tradition, but so is remaining a virgin until marriage.

You and your fiance can work out what is right for you.

trollopolis · 18/06/2022 22:31

I don't agree with them, but it's a fairly mainstream opinion (was the majority opinion not so long ago).

But despite what they say, they're still going to be giving you money. And that's more than some parents do.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Just work out how much you can afford (yourself, plus if you are lucky gift from parents) and plan your wedding. Don't give a thought to others who have different budgets and different ideas about what sort of wedding they want

Sapphire387 · 18/06/2022 22:32

It's pretty grim tbh. As you say, you are not expecting them to pay, but we no longer live in the days when a bride's family would pay the groom off so he could maintain her financially.

Palavah · 18/06/2022 22:32

But you can't force them to contribute to your wedding.

Original poster
DomPerignon12 · 18/06/2022 22:32

Palavah · 18/06/2022 22:29

That is the tradition, but so is remaining a virgin until marriage.

You and your fiance can work out what is right for you.

I know it's tradition, but I've never heard of anyone doing it. Most people on MN paid for their own weddings, IRL people have had various funding methods.
Nobody has ever decided £££ on the basis of their children's sex!

OP posts:
LoudingVoice · 18/06/2022 22:33

Pay for your own wedding.

If you’re adults getting married why on Earth are you expecting anyone else to pay for it?

Porcupineintherough · 18/06/2022 22:34

No grimmer than expecting your parents to pay at all. I mean, why should they, son or daughter?

Original poster
DomPerignon12 · 18/06/2022 22:35

@trollopolis @Palavah
As stated in the OP we have not asked them to pay for anything. Their money makes zero difference. We don't want their money.
It's the sexism that bothers me. Also because they are not the kind of people to come up with statements like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
DomPerignon12 · 18/06/2022 22:36

LoudingVoice · 18/06/2022 22:33

Pay for your own wedding.

If you’re adults getting married why on Earth are you expecting anyone else to pay for it?

Again, as stated in the OP, and for the LAST time (because there are several posts on this)
WE DID NOT ASK THEM TO PAY FOR ANYTHING

OP posts:
beepbeephello · 18/06/2022 22:36

In my opinion, no self respecting adult would allow their parents to pay for their wedding. It is beyond pathetic.

Original poster
DomPerignon12 · 18/06/2022 22:37

Sapphire387 · 18/06/2022 22:32

It's pretty grim tbh. As you say, you are not expecting them to pay, but we no longer live in the days when a bride's family would pay the groom off so he could maintain her financially.

Thank God, finally someone on here with reading comprehension skills!

OP posts:
beepbeephello · 18/06/2022 22:37

Not saying you want them to pay OP, just saying you should be proud you're paying it yourself and leave your SIL and them to do whatever they want.

Original poster
DomPerignon12 · 18/06/2022 22:37

beepbeephello · 18/06/2022 22:36

In my opinion, no self respecting adult would allow their parents to pay for their wedding. It is beyond pathetic.

I fully and completely agree. Which is why we didn't ask them for anything, and were quite ??? when they brought it up.

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyWings · 18/06/2022 22:38

It really does need to be one third the couple, one third his parents, one third hers. All this 'the bride's family pays' is outdated bullshit. What if someone has 3 daughters? And another family has 3 sons??? So the couple with 3 sons pays nothing - ever, and the couple with 3 daughters probably bankrupts themselves paying for 3 weddings? Confused

Needs to be changed and split more fairly. It's bullshit. As a pp said, it's also tradition that you remain a virgin til you get married, and you don't live together til you get married, and you don't have babies til you're married. The vast majority of people don't adhere to any of these, so why should people adhere to the 'bride's family must pay for the wedding' wankery?

It's 2022, not 1922.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 18/06/2022 22:38

Think on op that traditionally mil's are closer to dd's dc than ds's. Imo that means she won't be poking her beak in your lives as much as sil's!

PurpleButterflyWings · 18/06/2022 22:38

Well, either shared one third each way, or the couple pays themselves... (And the parents can give what they can afford.)

beepbeephello · 18/06/2022 22:39

PurpleButterflyWings · 18/06/2022 22:38

It really does need to be one third the couple, one third his parents, one third hers. All this 'the bride's family pays' is outdated bullshit. What if someone has 3 daughters? And another family has 3 sons??? So the couple with 3 sons pays nothing - ever, and the couple with 3 daughters probably bankrupts themselves paying for 3 weddings? Confused

Needs to be changed and split more fairly. It's bullshit. As a pp said, it's also tradition that you remain a virgin til you get married, and you don't live together til you get married, and you don't have babies til you're married. The vast majority of people don't adhere to any of these, so why should people adhere to the 'bride's family must pay for the wedding' wankery?

It's 2022, not 1922.

Why does anyone other than the couple need to pay for it? I find that so odd. If they are adults consenting to marry eachother, surely working, and able to fend for themselves. Why on earth would anyone else pay for their wedding? How bizarre

Sanfranciscobabe · 18/06/2022 22:41

I’d have laughed and pretended I assumed they were joking. Everyone pays for their own weddings these days, a ‘gift’ contribution is lovely.
id have definitely had to say something that would maybe make them think about the massive inequality of how they are proposing to treat their children

Original poster
DomPerignon12 · 18/06/2022 22:41

PurpleButterflyWings · 18/06/2022 22:38

It really does need to be one third the couple, one third his parents, one third hers. All this 'the bride's family pays' is outdated bullshit. What if someone has 3 daughters? And another family has 3 sons??? So the couple with 3 sons pays nothing - ever, and the couple with 3 daughters probably bankrupts themselves paying for 3 weddings? Confused

Needs to be changed and split more fairly. It's bullshit. As a pp said, it's also tradition that you remain a virgin til you get married, and you don't live together til you get married, and you don't have babies til you're married. The vast majority of people don't adhere to any of these, so why should people adhere to the 'bride's family must pay for the wedding' wankery?

It's 2022, not 1922.

Do people really do this IRL though?
I have never heard of anybody doing this. Everyone I know who had contributions, had it based on circumstances/parental opinion of the child/'need'.
OK maybe some favoritism if a particular parent preferred their child of a certain sex but nobody has ever expected the bride's family to pay just because... well bride. That's why I was so taken aback

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyWings · 18/06/2022 22:44

beepbeephello · 18/06/2022 22:39

Why does anyone other than the couple need to pay for it? I find that so odd. If they are adults consenting to marry eachother, surely working, and able to fend for themselves. Why on earth would anyone else pay for their wedding? How bizarre

Show quote history

Don't be so pedantic and silly. Whilst I agree that it's absolutely ridiculous for the brides parents to always pay for the brides weddings at the same time it's absolute ** that every single couple should always pay for their own wedding otherwise they're not our doors are not Grown Ups are pathetic very diculous there grabby.

The fact is in most cases if a couple get married and spend say 8 to 10,000 pound on the wedding in most cases of parents will pay maybe two to two and a half £1000 towards it both sets of parents so they get say 4 or 5000 towards it that's what we're doing with ours and that's what many couples I know of John

Or the bride's parents might buy the dress and pay for the flowers the photographers and the grooms might just pay for the bridesmaids dresses in the best man and the grooms outfit and maybe pay something towards the venue

As I say all this ridiculous comments on here about what kind of adult are you expecting your parents pay is just a bit pathetic to be honest. Quite a lot of people I'm not sure of any percentage but I'd imagine a majority rather than a minority would have their parents contributing something towards a wedding so please stop coming out with this crap that adults are pathetic if their parents pay it into all their wedding.

And this is coming for me somebody who paid for my own wedding with my husband and our parents contributed nothing Cos he couldn't afford it when we got married over a quarter of a century ago don't stop it antique and silly

Original poster
DomPerignon12 · 18/06/2022 22:44

beepbeephello · 18/06/2022 22:39

Why does anyone other than the couple need to pay for it? I find that so odd. If they are adults consenting to marry eachother, surely working, and able to fend for themselves. Why on earth would anyone else pay for their wedding? How bizarre

Show quote history

It's a gift from some parents, they like contributing, but in a lot of cases it's because parents want a much bigger wedding than the children can afford..

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 18/06/2022 22:45

I have four friends I think where the bride’s parents paid for most, if not all of the wedding. Two were many years ago, when it was more common. But two more recently.

Everyone else I know paid for most of it themselves, including us, but with some contributions from each parents.

his family are obviously of the very traditional variety!

PurpleButterflyWings · 18/06/2022 22:45

Ignore that last post! My computer went doolally

Original poster
DomPerignon12 · 18/06/2022 22:47

Sanfranciscobabe · 18/06/2022 22:41

I’d have laughed and pretended I assumed they were joking. Everyone pays for their own weddings these days, a ‘gift’ contribution is lovely.
id have definitely had to say something that would maybe make them think about the massive inequality of how they are proposing to treat their children

Unfortunately they were deadly serious. To add fuel to the fire DP already has a thing about his twin sisters being the favourite children. He's now very upset.

OP posts:
Imissprosecco · 18/06/2022 22:48

Yup it's weird. There are no "rules" in 2022. I got married recently. We're in our mid 30s, on decent (ish) salaries and my DM is retired. No way would I expect her to pay for my whole wedding!

As it happens, my brother is also getting married this year. My DM paid for my wedding dress and I know she's contributed the same amount to my brother's wedding. You treat your children the same regardless of gender!