Paying for wedding

[DomPerignon12]

NC for this.
Planning our wedding and told by his family that the bride's family pays, traditionally in England.
So they'd be fully expecting to pay for his sister's, but not ours, although they will give us some money.
AIBU to be bothered by the unfairness?
Just to be clear we didn't ask them to pay for anything. They brought this up. Just a bit shocked as they're otherwise very generous (pay for meals out etc), and it's 2022!

Well luckily I'm keeping it ;) not letting my professional work be erased just because of marriage.
They don't know that though... do wonder how they'll react when they find out :D

@DomPerignon12 That's my view too - I'm pretty proud of all of my professional achievements and I don't understand why it's normal to change your name, when so much of your professional worth is attached to it. I can understand the desire to have the same surname, but why on earth is it always the woman who gets shafted? Very few men ever change their surname and that seems grossly unfair to me.

There are about a million wedding traditions in the UK (the bride's father paying for the wedding is only one) and whilst some of them are vaguely interesting, a lot of them are at odds with modern equality standards. I suspect this isn't the only one that's going to outrage you.

As long as your fiancé is on the same page as you (and I assume he is), tradition is interesting, but you get to decide which bits you want to follow and which bits you want to consign to history. I hope you have a lovely wedding done your way, and a very long and happy marriage.

Good luck with the rest of the planning!

I am with you OP. Its about fairness and equality. My three brothers all got married in the 80s, the eldest two brothers got small contributions by my parents but their weddings were mostly paid for by their wealthy PIL. My youngest brother's was mostly paid for my parents given his PIL didnt have a lot of money and my parent did, but I think it was about fairness as my two other brothers weddings were paid for.

I was a bit slow and I got married again in 1997, my parents paid for most of the wedding, but PIL insistent on paying for the catering. TBH if my two eldest brothers were not paid for by their PIL, I doubt mine and my younger brother's weddings would have been fully paid for, we both would have got a contribution.

Sorry I only got married once, not sure why I put 'again' lol

Then why do you say in your OP that you’re bothered by the unfairness of DP’s sisters having their weddings paid for but not him?

AIBU to be bothered by the unfairness?

You then change your argument to say you don’t believe any parent should have to pay anything at all.

If that’s the case why are you bothered & finding it unreasonable then?

Are you saying traditional marriage customs (like this) are sexist & meaningless in 2022?

Of course they are! If you look into most of the customs & ritual around the ceremony itself in the U.K. at least, they originate out of being sold off, as property. Given away by the father (patriarch) to the new patriarch. The reason why bridesmaids wearing all the same dresses (they used to wear the same as the bride) was to act as decoys so as to protect the bride from being abducted & carried off by a rival male. Says a lot about how women were viewed & treated!) What’s been sold as romance & a ritual of love is borne out of some much darker origins.

For @DomPerignon12 👆

Technically it's 'tradition' but my family have been a pay your own for generations, my Great Granny was a widow with 3 DDs. They all paid their own.

My parents paid their own although my Paternal Aunt got hers paid for.

Who's paying was my ILs first question. We paid out own. Really pisses me off we ended up with a whole table of their pals that they insisted we must invite. Then when it came SILs wedding that ILs were paying for they never invited any of them.

@DomPerignon12

Forgot to say the bride’s side paying for the wedding is tradition because women were considered chattel and the bride's family used to have to pay off the groom's family in the form of a dowry to take their daughters off their hands.

@LicoricePizza

You are implying that ‘sisters paid wedding = unfair’ means that I expect mine paid too. That’s a logical fallacy and the error in your reasoning.

The unfairness comes from the difference in treatment due to sex. They could pay for none of the weddings. They could contribute to both. I have never said that they should be expected to pay for anything, multiple times, from my very first post
Merely that whatever they do should be the same for all sibling regardless of sex.

Based on what you said, you think I’m not being U

^well not both all 3 but I count the sisters as a set here

It's a very old tradition
My parents married in 1963
Mums parents paid for the weddings
It was mostly family with a few friends
No night do.
When me and my sister had our weddings in the 80's mum/dad paid
Mostly family with friends invited to the night do.
Today bride and groom who have been living together a good while pay for the wedding themselves.
They invite all their friends and only the family members they like.
And seem to spend a lot of money.
But it certainly isn't some kind of favouritism.
Back in the day couples didn't live together so had a wedding present list, to help them set up home.
Now a days couples already has everything so usually guests give money.
Times moved on.

@DomPerignon12

If your only concern was that your DH’s parents have gendered traditional views when it comes to paying for his sisters’ weddings, your post would say as much.

But it doesn’t. It says you never asked for them to pay, they brought it up & you’re
Just a bit shocked as they're otherwise very generous (pay for meals out etc)

No error in my reasoning. You wouldn’t be commenting on their otherwise generosity or request a vote on if YABU to find this unfair.

Your question clearly isn’t is it fair that only women have their weddings paid for by their parents is it?

My ILs did. They gave us 1/2 what they gave SIL. We would have happily funded on our own, which we mostly did, but yes it hurt that ILs didn't treat their DC equally.

I do agree that the paying for the DDs wedding causes a lot of unnecessary hurt to DSs especially when they are paying their own wedding.
It sort of highlights, opens their eyes to other smaller bits of favouritism.

I don't know too many families that have done this but the ones I do know it has certainly made the boys feel less valued or something.

It's an old tradition that needs binned.

It probably dates from the days of young women handing their pay into the house only getting pocket money in return. Or the days of sons inheriting the house or family business.

No, it needs to be 100% the couple getting married.

I'm in the minority who think it is not unreasonable to be upset by this. The tradition dates from the time when women did not have any property rights. It's no longer relevant. It also assumes all marriages are between heterosexuals. What happens to gay men? Do they have to fork out for everything themselves while lesbians are quids in?

The comments here contrast with those in threads about inheritance, where almost everyone thinks all children should be treated equally. Imagine a post about help with university fees where the poster stated they were only helping their sons because traditionally only men went to university.

My parents paid for my sister's wedding and will offer to pay for mine (but DP and I babe already said we will not accept). My brother will be left the majority of land in their will. I don't view it as sexism. Its their tradition they want to follow and its their money and assets to use as they please. If they are giving you money anyway, what's the issue?

When I married exh his family paid for his dsis wedding and nothing to ours. My parents paid a third. We paid two thirds.

When I married dh his parents paid a third of his dsis wedding and gave same to us (which paid for 2/3 of our wedding) my parents gave a contribution which worked out to be about 1/4.

I don't think parents should contribute but if they do it should be equal. I hope to give my children 5k each.

I am paying for my dds
the grooms parents have given them a much smaller amount of cash and certainly didn’t see it as their place to pay

I have a ds who is younger. Not given that a thought

MN is fucking weird about weddings full stop. It is apparently tradition for the brides parents to pay but a very outdated tradition. We had gifts of money from both sets of parents towards our wedding although we didn’t actually need it for what we planned. It was a very generous act, and no one in real life thinks it’s “pathetic” or anything. Just kind.

It's less common now for the bride's parents to pay but it is still a thing.

When my older cousins were all getting married in the 80s/90s that's what happened.
My friend's parent paid for an extremely expensive wedding about 10 years ago.

I don't agree with it but it's not surprising to me.

Yeah I do think it's a bit grim.

My parents gave me money towards my wedding. At the same time they gave my brother an equal amount.

Why should the parents be told what to pay at all?

If the Bride and Groom decide on expensive wedding why would either parent contribute when they don't have a say in the total cost?

Bride and Groom planned elaborate wedding which parents were OK with paying for only to have the couple then demand that that money be gifted to them for a house deposit instead!