Paying for wedding

[DomPerignon12]

NC for this.
Planning our wedding and told by his family that the bride's family pays, traditionally in England.
So they'd be fully expecting to pay for his sister's, but not ours, although they will give us some money.
AIBU to be bothered by the unfairness?
Just to be clear we didn't ask them to pay for anything. They brought this up. Just a bit shocked as they're otherwise very generous (pay for meals out etc), and it's 2022!

And @DomPerignon12 you could take your own advice. All the anger that your PIL aren't giving you enough money can't be doing you any good!

At what stage of their life are they expected to fend for themselves? To actually work towards something and have earned it, and feel pride in that, rather than have everything handed to them to them on a platter so their parent can feel good about themselves?

@JamesJJ well, when they go to university for example or even to get there.. they'll need to get the grades to get in for one. Even if we help with a deposit, the size of house they'll actually be able to afford will all be down to their hard work and what kind of careers they've chosen. I'm not saying I'll buy them a house. Just help with the deposit. They'll be working by that point, so even with my help- they can't get a house unless they're working hard and ' fending ' for themselves like you say. So I'm not sure why helping your children if you can, is a problem.

In terms of paying for the wedding, I would also think they'd contribute something.

I don't think helping children who are already fending for themselves and successful is such a bad thing. It's more of a problem if you raise them like brats, with no sense of hard work.

but I'm not angry :) amused at this point by this thread

So you are not bothered about them paying for your wedding, but now they have mentioned they are only going to make a contribution, yiare going to trim back on family members from that side. But you are not bitter? Right.

What's this idea that family pays!?

If you want a wedding you can pay for it surely!?

Come on @DomPerignon12 you don’t need to twist my words - if you’re reading your own thread properly you’ll know how clear I’ve been that marriage & wedding customs are borne out of patriarchal practises & are outdated today.

You just don’t want to own up to your hypocritical & contradictory arguments.

You’ve tried to maintain that your “shock” that his sisters will be having their wedding paid for but not your DP, is purely down to the sexist nature of it all. The horror.

When I’ve pointed out that the majority of the ritual of marriage you’re even going to be carrying out is rooted in sexism you don’t want to comment.

So it’s ok for you to cherry pick the nice traditional (& sexist) bits you want to keep in like maybe bridesmaids?? Wearing a veil?? being given you away?? carried over the threshold?? (there are many more) but his parents aren’t allowed to do their traditional (& sexist) bit & pay for their daughters - whilst ALSO GIVING you & your DP a financial contribution!!

Hypocritical much?

And even when I’ve pointed out the irony of your argument & said that surely his parents being (as you say, generous & really lovely people) wanting to follow this tradition (as you yourself will be doing in other ways) is a far lesser evil than the reasons you say you are more accustomed to hearing about such as having golden child family dynamics, out & out favouritism & rewarding going on, for the perfect child.

I know which of these scenarios would be more toxic to marry into. They should be causing you to “wobble” far more than what is actually going to happen ie his parents will be giving you a financial contribution to your wedding. How awful of them.

So surely you should be telling your DP to take comfort in the fact that his DP’s love him just as much as his DS’s & are merely following (yes s sexist) tradition.

And in the traditional scheme of things it wasn’t “unfair” then, because the eldest son (ie presumably your DP) would inherit the family land & property. (Again sexist but a custom - which for all you know they may wish to continue).

Will you then be posting to say how unreasonable it is that you’re inheriting a fortune? But are being unreasonable to be annoyed that it came from a sexist tradition?

Again as others have said, why will you be deliberately inviting less of their guests than you were planning to, now that you know that they won’t be be paying the same as they would be for their daughters?

Oh I see you’re not punishing them because you’re financially getting less, you’re punishing them for their crime of sexism.

Right. With you.

@LicoricePizza 👏👏👏👏 everything you said is spot on

It’s an odd thing for them to say, especially as money had not even been discussed. Maybe they thought they were preempting a perceived request for money?

I don’t know anyone who is still that traditional about weddings. Are you living together? If so, how do they feel about that? Do they think women shouldn’t work also?

My dm paid for my wedding dress, my auntie paid for the photographer and I paid for the rest.

My brothers got some money in a card but both their inlaws paid for a large proportion of their weddings. Dbro2 was in a posh Manor. I had mine in a nice pub function room. They helped their dd where they couldn't the two boys didn't need that. I would never have expected my inlaws to help with the costs with got some money in a card. I wouldn't be upset if they helped pay toward their dd weddings.