Paying for wedding

[DomPerignon12]

NC for this.
Planning our wedding and told by his family that the bride's family pays, traditionally in England.
So they'd be fully expecting to pay for his sister's, but not ours, although they will give us some money.
AIBU to be bothered by the unfairness?
Just to be clear we didn't ask them to pay for anything. They brought this up. Just a bit shocked as they're otherwise very generous (pay for meals out etc), and it's 2022!

YANBU and judging by the vote I'm guessing most people haven't bothered to read your posts properly OP.

The sexism is unfair, and it's hardly surprising your partner feels upset at the clear favouritism.

All you can do is say 'fuck it' and carry on planning your day exactly as you want it. It's a huge milestone in your life and a special day for both of you, don't let them taint that.

My son is getting married this year. The brides parents are paying for everythng. I have told my son I will pay for the honeymoon as I will literally have to pay for nothing, I just show up. I think I pay for the rehearsal dinner. This is the traditional way here but you hear of it less and less. When I married his dad in 1990 we paid for our own wedding. They realise how lucky they are, so far there has been ZERO drama and her parents have not demanded anything in return.

My parents gave us (5 siblings) the same for our weddings (6k). No difference was made based on sex.

See, what really throws me (and what I've mentioned several times) is that they're actually generally nice people!
Hence why I wondered whether they, for some reason thought that we'd ask for money, and clumsily tried to pre-empt it. As also mentioned earlier why they'd think that I don't know.
DP's sisters are much younger and unlikely to be getting married anytime soon anyway.

We were initially going to include members of the extended family that they (not us) are particularly close to. Probably not going to do that anymore. We'll fill the remaining spaces with whoever we want, and if Tom, Dick and Harry moan about not being invited it's their business to sort out.

Well you must have a narrow circle of acquaintances; my parents paid for our wedding many years back, as was the custom. Our DTs are of an age where many of their friends are getting married and in several cases the bride’s parents have paid. My best friend recently coughed up over £40,000 for her DD’s wedding and our own DS recently got engaged, expecting to fund the wedding, but was delighted to find that his fiancée’s parents offered to pay. It means they have a larger deposit for a house.

It is indeed the tradition, but I don't think many people have taken much notice of it for the last 50 years. Possibly it made sense when the bride's parents hadn't had the expense of educating their child so that they could be the breadwinner, and were about to save money from not having to house and feed her any more.

The tradition of parents paying rather than the couple also made much more sense in the days when people married before moving in together, and so usually much younger. (We were in that category, and the budget would have been very small if it had had to come out of out savings!)

Their exact words were 'The bride's parents usually pay, so we'd fully expect to be paying for X and Y's weddings, but not yours. We'll of course make some contribution'. His sisters are still studying/apprentices so no question of being well-off.

I don't know the amount or form of the contribution (e.g is it a fixed amount of money, or a specific expense wedding clothes). But we're planning a modest wedding anyway based on what we can afford. Anything they gave even £50 would be a welcome bonus but not really necessary.

No idea what your problem is
Pay for your own wedding and if dps family are of the thinking they fund their daughters wedding that was the way years ago and they are in that mindset
They are giving you some money what else do you want

This happened in our family so is not too uncommon. 2017 DSis was getting married. We have a wealthy parent, as does her DH. DM offered 40k budget for the wedding. BILs parents (far wealthier than ours) offered 5k as their gift. DM politely refused but was massively shocked and did not want them to be able to tell people they paid for their share or whatever if putting in 5k. BIL was devastated as they had paid out 10 times that amount for his sisters wedding the year before. They used the daughter rule you mentioned. It soured their relationship as he then began noticing the difference in the way they treated him vs his sister. Including selling their family home and moving a 2 hour plane journey to another country to be near their daughter when she moved for her husbands work and had her first child.

Our wedding, 31 years ago was paid for by us and my family. Wouldn't have expected a penny from ILs.

Our DS gets married this year. We are paying half of the reception costs. The bride/her parents are paying for: frock, bridesmaid, flowers, cake, cars, invitations, etc. DS is paying for the honeymoon.

Wow, that's terrible!
It's really sad to be treated differently, so openly. Not the money... that's besides the point...

Wow just bloody wow so you were expecting them to pay or contribute a substantial amount

Now they are not.going to stump up the money you want them to your wedding becomes almost pay and you go

If future Pils pay then the family they are close to can go but if not you will invite random tom dick and harry?
Don't bother spending a lot on your wedding because you will need money for your divorce
You sound entitled and selfish

I have no idea why you're getting so angry over posts by a random internet stranger, but it can't be doing you or the people around you any good...

Also @stepuporshutup it's not about the money, but consideration.
DP has been hurt by this attitude, he's not in the mood to try and please his family. i'm certainly not going to smooth the waters.
No point in explaining anyway as you're just here to have a go at people?

No idea what your problem is

The fact that she has found out that her in-laws-to-be are planning to treat the man she loves differently from his sisters, just because he is a man....... maybe ?

Strange indeed!
In some cultures it's expected, however it also comes along with other restrictions on what women are expected/allowed to do...

Thank you! <3

Indeed, but judging by the voting and comments not many people agree!
I'm baffled as to why 'old-fashioned' things which have a far bigger impact on people's lives (such as living together and pre-marital children) have gone the way of the dinosaurs. But paying for a wedding hasn't..?

@DomPerignon12

Bit confused. You say you object to parents paying for weddings based on gender ie the bride but are quite approving of parents paying based on
“favouritism/need/if a particular parent preferred their child of a certain sex”

Huh?

Everyone I know who had contributions, had it based on circumstances/parental opinion of the child/'need'.
OK maybe some favoritism if a particular parent preferred their child of a certain sex but nobody has ever expected the bride's family to pay just because... well bride.

So they’re all valid then?? Contradicting your own argument OP.

*meant to say not living together or having sex/kids before marriage

Where did I say that I approved?
I said that out of the reasons I have heard for unequal contributions, I have never heard BECAUSE BRIDE, BECAUSE TRADITION.
I have heard all the other reasons, which are:

• Child needs it more, because they're less well off


• Golden child, which parent prefers because they didn't mess up their lives and were nice and obedient unlike the black sheep


• Golden child, which happened to be of a certain sex. For example, because parent really wanted a son and then, after 3 daughters finally got one, and he got everything.

I have not heard of anybody saying that they expected to pay solely for being parents of the bride, or otherwise. If they paid for a daughter and not a son it was because they favoured her, not because tradition dictated they paid.

@DomPerignon12

Oh, wow. That's pretty unambiguous. I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, but I see that optimism was misplaced.

Dare you to get married and not change your name. More and more women in the UK are keeping their surname on marriage (it's what I would do if I ever got married myself) and if his parents are such dinosaurs, I bet they'd have a strong reaction to ignoring that tradition...

I have no one around me because I expected everyone else to pay for my wedding and when they did not I threw a strop and didn't invite anyone that had not paid so I cancelled the wedding
Thank you for your concern for me it is very much appreciated

You actually need therapy ...