Paying for wedding

[DomPerignon12]

NC for this.
Planning our wedding and told by his family that the bride's family pays, traditionally in England.
So they'd be fully expecting to pay for his sister's, but not ours, although they will give us some money.
AIBU to be bothered by the unfairness?
Just to be clear we didn't ask them to pay for anything. They brought this up. Just a bit shocked as they're otherwise very generous (pay for meals out etc), and it's 2022!

I don't think the OP is kicking off about not getting as generous a hand out. A lot of people seem to be jumping on that.

She's clearly a modern woman with modern beliefs, planning her wedding to a man she loves, and has just had the shock of realising that his family aren't quite what she thought. That would unsettle anyone in that position. Give her room to have a wobble.

If they'd said they didn't intend to pay towards anyone's weddings, she might have found that surprising given how generous they are, but she'd have moved on by now and not given it much of a second thought. It's the discrepancy towards their children that's thrown her.

Most people's families are a bit weird/problematic. It stands to reason that whichever family you marry into will also have its own issues. Just remember, the person you're marrying doesn't necessarily share those same issues/thoughts.

I'm with you, OP. Annoys me that several of the key traditions to do with marriage still point towards the woman being a burden that the man now has to bear, and/or that it's an honour for the woman to join the man's family.

We, like you, expected to pay for our own wedding. We were surprised and grateful when both parents offered us some money, but DH was annoyed to hear DFIL say in almost the same sentence as oferring us £1k (and saying what/whom it had to be spent on) how many tens of thousands he'd set aside for DH's sister's possible future wedding. I have no skin in the game so wasn't annoyed as such, but find it a bit mindless to follow that tradition (or if you believe in it, offensive!).

Also caused a stir by not changing my surname 😅

I have plenty of (female) friends whose parents paid for the wedding. I am early 50s now but would say most were about 30 at the time of marriage, so in the last 15-20 years.

I am not saying that I think it is the proper thing to do, but if their parents were happy to do it then it is up to them.

IMO the couple should pay for their own wedding. I wouldn't dream of dipping into my family's pension pots just so I can prance about being a princess for the day. However it is nice if the family contributes a gift, like the wedding cake, dress etc.

It is tradition. My parents paid for my fairly lavish wedding. The only contribution expected from the groom was the rings and paying for the church - that was also tradition.

I hosted (provided venue and was very involved in planning) and contributed to my DDs wedding, paying for the dress and a few other extras that I wanted involvement in but was very apologetic that I couldn't pay for everything as I don't have enough money and I have a useless exDH who wouldn't pay for anything. The bride and groom paid for most of it. I do still feel it is traditional for the bride's parents to host and pay for the DDs wedding but I am old-fashioned and like to uphold traditions.

If my DS got married I would be happy to contribute although not sure I would be so involved with planning/hosting as I assume the bride would be closer to her own mother and want to do more with her. If she didn't have that sort of family I guess I would happily step in if she wanted me to but would not assume.

Remind your in laws (if they’re so traditional) that traditionally only sons inherit. Maybe then they’ll see the unfairness.

It doesn’t seem right OP that they’ll be contributing to their daughters but not their sons. This tradition has gone for most families and it’s couples pay unless parents wish to. Like you said, you haven’t asked but they’ve made this situation difficult with their outdated views.

Why is it so terrible if parents contribute if they're wealthy ? It will hopefully be a privilege for me to pay for my Children's weddings. As well as their university and house deposit. That's what I'm working and saving for.

My husband also paid for the church!! We got married 23 years ago and very traditionally my parents paid for our wedding with my husband’s parents contributing by paying for the wine. I have 2 ds and I would certainly think we would contribute if asked. It is an out dated concept now.

🤷🏽‍♀️

You don't need tor money so it's a non issue

Nothing wrong with wealthy parents contributing. Providing they treat there DC equally and don't use their contribution to hold the couple to ransom (we gave you that money so you have to spend £500 of it on curtious invites on our friends).

Honestly I'd change so many things if I could turn the clock back.

Yeah I can see how that would be upsetting. It is 2022, they are using it as an excuse for not paying for their preferred child's wedding. Shite parents. If they try to demand anything of you, tell them to do one.

This was the very standard view, probably still is with some people. Sexism is rife.
examples include giving your child the fathers name and not the mothers, a married woman changing her name rather than a married man changing his, a woman being 'given away' from one man to another.
I would examine your future husband 's beliefs carefully here op. He has been raised within a very misogynistic environment and often the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I think it's a case of some parents using tradition as a way of hiding the disparity between how they treat their DC; I would be upset by this too OP.

I know a family where the son inherited a mortgage-free house at 21 and the mid-20s daughter got nothing due to "tradition".

When the daughter's husband died, leaving her up to her eyes in debt, her brother "helped" her by buying a small flat and renting it out to her, making sure everybody knew and berating her lack of financial astuteness (whilst making a monthly profit off her 🙄)

He didn't tell anyone though that if he'd split the proceeds of the inheritance (she'd been a loving a close daughter to her father, no need for her to be "disinherited") she'd have owned her own place mortgage-free and wouldn't have needed his help.

That kind of unequal treatment of your DC has got to sting and the OPs ILs being so open about how they're planning to spend £££ on one wedding but not theirs must feel like a kick in the teeth.

I just find OP’s post so contradictory!
@FOTB
You explain on OP’s behalf that
It's the discrepancy towards their children that's thrown her.

You say OP is shocked to learn the family she’s marrying into are happy to discriminate between their DC & favour the DD’s over the DS & pay for their weddings. Causing her to have a “wobble”.

Surely OP should be relieved they’re only paying their DD’s because it’s traditional to & not what she says are more familiar (but a lot more messed up quite frankly & what would worry me more marrying into them ) reasons such as:

Golden child, which parent prefers because they didn't mess up their lives and were nice and obedient unlike the black sheep
Golden child, which happened to be of a certain sex. For example, because parent really wanted a son and then, after 3 daughters finally got one, and he got everything.

I have not heard of anybody saying that they expected to pay solely for being parents of the bride, or otherwise. If they paid for a daughter and not a son it was because they favoured her, not because tradition dictated they paid.

Shouldn’t OP be relieved they’re merely following tradition& not because they love or favour the DD’s more than her DP?

And that they’re giving them a financial contribution anyway - surely confirms this?

Yes it’s outdated & sexist but so is the majority of the wedding ritual full stop - being given away by the patriarch to another etc

Why so unkind about the woman, no peep about the man . Horrible misogyny here.

Isn't it also traditional for the sons to inherit the parents estate after death? The daughters have essentially received their share with the wedding and dowry. Perhaps this is a custom they will want to keep alive too!

@LicoricePizza By your logic all the girls kept out of school, married off young, and drowned in the river (in certain cultures) should be relieved that their parents love them. It’s just tradition, eh?

wahey, another one!
I’m also keeping my surname :)
we’re not going to bow to their ridiculousness

Times change. As I said above DS gets married this year. They are young, 27. They are double barrelling. It works with the surnames and ours is clumsy with her first name due to the repetition of sounds.

I hope we have brought our children up to know their own minds.

@LicoricePizza Well, I'm not the OP, but I'm not sure how I'd feel about people close to me blindly following tradition for tradition's sake. If tradition wasn't important to them, they'd either give all their kids the same, or nothing at all.

I have no problem with parents treating children differently based on financial need, but I don't like the idea of doing it based on gender. Just feels wrong.

Weddings are curious things anyway. I don't like the idea of the father giving away the bride - think about what it represents - but that's a tradition most people still seem to follow.

Also as PP have mentioned if we were blindly following tradition, only the son inherits.
that certainly wouldn’t be acceptable, would it?

Why is it any of your business what traditions people want to continue? My parents have continued with the traditions here that people are now branding "sexist". I'm not going to storm in my house demanding that my parents (who have worked hard for what they have) give me some land because I've a vagina. It's theirs to what they want with. They help me out in other ways and admittedly I would have no use for land whereas my brother will use it for farming. I want to take my partners name when we marry, my personal preference, not because he is sexist and demands it! Plenty of horrendous sexist things still happening into todays world we ought to be standing up for, not way name people choose to take or how much of their own money parents give their kids. And you have said they are giving ye money anyway so I don't really see what your problem is!

Another angry kitty who hasn't RTFT
Calm down and have a cup of tea, all that anger can't be doing you much good

@DomPerignon12 i did read the full thread actually! 👍