Paying for wedding

[DomPerignon12]

NC for this.
Planning our wedding and told by his family that the bride's family pays, traditionally in England.
So they'd be fully expecting to pay for his sister's, but not ours, although they will give us some money.
AIBU to be bothered by the unfairness?
Just to be clear we didn't ask them to pay for anything. They brought this up. Just a bit shocked as they're otherwise very generous (pay for meals out etc), and it's 2022!

@PurpleButterflyWings I'm not being pedantic or silly.

I was genuinely confused by your comment which stated specifically that you think it should be a third each.

I 100% can see how parents would contribute in terms of buying the dress, giving a monetary gift on the day of the wedding or whatever. But my confusion was based purely on the specifics of what you said, that for it be fair it should be spilt a third each.

I don't agree with this. I think a wedding is like anything else in life, you do what you can afford. It is no one else's responsibility to pay for something you want.

I haven’t heard of any wedding in real life ever where the bride’s family pays. What 1920s bullshit is this??

Interesting.
Was it just because they could afford it though, or actually because they're the bride's parents?
His family aren't traditional at all for other things! They invited me to family events when we'd been together a few months, have been very welcoming etc and treated me very well.
I don't know whether they 'thought' we were going to ask them for money and tried to nip in the bud, saying the wrong thing. Which makes no sense as we're both established in our careers, and didn't say anything about wanting a big or lavish wedding.

Don't be so pedantic and silly. Whilst I agree that it's absolutely ridiculous for the brides parents to always pay for the daughter wedding(s) - at the same time it's absolute crap, that every single couple should always pay for their own wedding otherwise they're not Grown Ups and are pathetic and ridiculous and grabby.

The fact is in most cases if a couple get married and spend say 8 to 12,000 pound on the wedding in most cases - parents will pay maybe two to three thousand towards it - so both sets of parents may give 5000 towards it.

That's what we're doing with ours and that's what many couples I know of are doing.

Or the bride's parents might buy the dress, and pay for the flowers, and the photographers, and the groom's parents might pay for the bridesmaids dresses and the best man and the grooms outfit -and maybe pay something towards the venue.

As I say all this ridiculous comments on here like 'what kind of adult are you expecting your parents to pay' is just a bit pathetic and bitter to be honest. Quite a lot of people - a majority rather than a minority - would have their parents contributing something towards a wedding.. so please stop coming out with this crap that adults are pathetic if their parents pay something towards their wedding.

And this is coming for me - somebody who paid for my own wedding (with my DH) as our parents contributed nothing cos they couldn't afford it, when we got married over a quarter of a century ago.

I did add a message very soon after saying 'or whatever the parents could afford' .. You seem to have conveniently ignored that though.

@beepbeephello you do sound quite bitter. Are you sore and wounded that you had to pay for your own wedding or something? Have a few people close to you had theirs paid for by family and it's skewed your views? Because you seem a bit annoyed by this. Why do you care if parents pay some towards peoples weddings? You sound jealous. And so do a few other posters here.

Friend group all either married/getting married in the next year or so.

Most recent engaged friend started planning her wedding, extremely extravagant, likely to be 20k+, asked her parents how much they saved for her and is now not speaking to them as they have nothing saved. Both are retired, factory workers living in a council house. I'm really not sure what she thought they'd be able to save all these years.

Came to brunch with the rest of us and ranted and raved, saying we were all so lucky our parents paid. Found out no one else's parents paid at all, and she genuinely asked confused, but how did you pay for it then? Seems gobsmacked we all saved up and paid for it ourselves.

She started planning a wedding with no intention of paying for it herself. So strange!

@DomPerignon12

I think with all of them it was seen as the traditional and right thing to do. Many families do still think this way. I don’t think the expectation was there with any of my friends. The two years ago got married young, so I think went along with it because they thought that’s just how it was done. The two more recently I think were just happy not to have to pay for it and could have a much better wedding!

So you don’t want them to pay for your wedding but object to them paying for their daughters, is that what you are saying?

because it sure sounds like you want their money.

Such an old fashioned view!

Everyone I know has has some money given by both sets of parents and then they've made up any shortfall themselves. This includes my remained-virgins-until-marriage friends.

OP why is this even a thread if you are not bothered. Your partner was unaware his parents would do this?
AIBU as :
A) it's their money to spend
B) many parents of girls pay - for çultural reasons - it is definitely a 'thing'

Everyone I know paid for themselves. I assume you move in privileged circles.

A very varied circle. The amounts given by each set of parents wasn't always much, sometimes only £50.

Eh? So what you take from my multiple posts about not asking them to pay.. is that I want their money?
With that level of mental gymnastics you should be a politician.

I object to unequal treatment on the basis of sex. Do you think this would be acceptable in any other situation? Not a wedding, but buying nicer clothes, or gifts, or anything else for a child of a certain gender?

Oh wow. Incredibly touchy.

No, not bitter at all. My retired parents very kindly gifted us £250, and a beautiful painting of our wedding chapel which is my most treasured possession.

I have no shame in saying here my wedding cost approx £20,000. My husband and I are fortunate enough to earn enough which meant we happily paid this, and spent 3 years saving as much as we possibly could to do so. Never once did I discuss the cost with my parents, or my PIL. Seen zero reason to, the decisions we were making were ours. Similar to any other decision we've made in our lives, it's nothing to do with anyone else.

As I said, I have zero issue with gifts such as wedding dress, or monetary gifts etc. But the idea that as soon as someone gets engaged and starts planning a wedding, people other than the bride and groom should be involved in the cost is strange to me.

I didn't ask my parents for money buying my own house either. I've been raised my incredibly kind, thoughtful parents who would give you the back of their shirt if you needed it, but I've also been raised to be independent and work for what I want. My life choices are nothing to do with anyone else. If I want something, I'll work for it and save. If I can't afford it, I won't do it.

I'm not bothered by not receiving their money. I'm bothered by the sexism.
'culture' isn't a valid reason for sexism being acceptable.
In india it used to be culture for a widow to step on her husband's funeral pyre, to abort female fetuses, and in the modern day...
www.reuters.com/article/india-slavery-child-marriage-idINKCN1PA0RC

I don't expect this behaviour in 2022 in the United Kingdom.

And yes, if you have read all my posts they are the last people I'd expect to do this because they have been welcoming, accepting and certainly not 'traditional' in any shape or form. Until today.

OP, I understand your frustration at the sexism.

Where I'm from it is still very much seen as ok for eldest son to inherit family house/land. I know a family of 4 girls and 1 boy. Land on the family farm ready with planning permission etc for a house to be built, I think there's actually room for 2 houses. Just Sitting there while son is off in Australia, no intention of coming home or settling down.

All 4 daughters married within the past 5 years, and would love to build a house there and have been told 100% no, they're not allowed, it has to be the son.

Very very old fashioned view. Also doesn't make sense as son will get the main farmhouse on the land, so why would he need to build another one on the field next door! But apparently it's then for his son.

Amazing how many people are struggling to read what the OP has put, VERY clearly, SEVERAL times over.

The question isn't about if parents should pay for their dcs weddings, it is about if anyone thinks it is reasonable in 2022 that parents think they "should" pay for / or are choosing to pay for their daughters' weddings, but not for their son's.

YANBU at all OP
I have 3 dc, and I would like to offer them some money towards their weddings, as I was fortunate enough that my parents paid for ours. But I will be offering the same amount regardless of whether it is a ds or a dd getting married.

But clearly they are 'sexist' according to you and you are still choosing to be a part of this set up or will you go NC once they pay for their daughters wedding?

Thanks for your message actually understanding what I wrote!
This place does my head in sometimes... why i keep coming back I don't know... maybe because there are sensible people like you

My in laws paid for a big chunk of my sister in law's wedding but nothing towards ours. Funny that we're (mainly me) the ones looking after them now they need care and company. No, I'm not bitter 😬

It's a British tradition. An old-fashioned one, but that doesn't make it not exist.

Did they actually say they intended to pay for his sister's wedding expenses in full, or did you just infer that from them bringing up the tradition? How much money are they going to give you? Is that enough to get married with, i.e. are they definitely treating their children differently?

Is your fiancé much better off than his sister?

I don't really care for sexist traditions, but I would subsidise one family member more than another on the basis of need. If your fiancé has a really well-paying job and his sister doesn't, then I'd understand his parents helping her out more. But that would have nothing to do with their gender.

Yes that's tradition. Not saying it's right

My parents paid for mine in 1989. PIL paid for SIL's.

They’re probably hoping they’ll get to control their daughters weddings by hosting them and they’ll want to invite all their own friends. Lots of people like tradition around weddings, even if they’re far from traditional most of the time.

Ils paid for sil's huge white wedding.. We didn't even get a present at our registry one.
We had the first dgc and got a second hand item.
Year later pregnant sil had 1 k spent on pram etc.
Sometimes people are just not worth trying to figure out.