AIBU to do the bare minimum with the kids

[Redcar87]

I work full time, have 2DC under 3, and manage all the life admin and house stuff. DH veers between entirely useless and trying his best. He works part time for MH reasons.

DS1 is a handful. He is also pretty mean to DS2. Well ignores him and tells him to go away a lot. They fight over me constantly. DS2 wakes through the night.

Anyway my questions is that I basically do the minimum to get through the days and evenings. So right now I'm watching DS1 pour expensive bird food all over the grass rather than stop him and face a tantrum. Or I let DS2 eat chocolate for breakfast because it kept him quiet for 5 mins. Days like today and its just me at home with both DC and I try to think of things to do but the thought of doing an activity with all the fighting and mess and the 2DC arguing...I'm probs just going to stick cartoons on and just wish the hours away until I can go back to bed.

Do people just get through this bit? I do love them and they're so sweet but they are relentless in wanting to break stuff, fight, cry. So for example I made them pancakes and they argued over which one they wanted to eat and all of it ended up in the bin in a tantrum. So j just gave them a cereal bar and ignored them

I'm a terrible mum maybe. Or is using screens and snacks OK? Sometimes I let DC1 get away with so much rather than face the tantrum. I've been ill this week too and I just can't find the energy

Your children need boundaries and to follow intructions, you're finding it hard because you aren't enforcing boundaries. It's not making your life easier, it's making it harder. Now, you can accept that your children need boundaries and ask about figuring out how to do that, or you can carry on as you are. No point getting ratty with posters for how they've phrased their opinion though, because you did ask.

It always helps to exercise kids more, go to the park if you can't handle the playground. Another mum holding your baby for a minute isn't really a problem though, so I really wouldn't stress about the "issue" from the playground.

I think screen time and sugar will be making it harder for you OP. I don't mean to be judgmental but a 14 month old baby shouldn't be having chocolate full stop.

BUT it sounds like you're under tremendous pressure with a useless partner so no judgment at all. Do what you have to do to get through the day. In your shoes, I would take them out, let them run off their energy, and try to keep them away from food that will hype them up.

HNRTFT…but I think your children are bored.
Take them too a kiddies play park. They really will be safe and it will be good for you to get out!
I never stayed in with mine because I was bored and really hated playing games etc .
pit also avoids mess !
Win win !

Hugs, OP! I only had one at that age and he was hard work! Never wanted to do adult led activities, tamtruming, very strong willed, very easily upset etc. We developed very strong routines together and we went out a lot! Playgroups at local churches were v safe and lots to do. But I did 'give in' a lot and actually developed a different style of cooperative parenting. E.g. no choc for breakfast for any of us because its not healthy but we can have some later (but then that means no one, not even grown ups, eating chocolate for breakfast!) It wasn't until several years later that we realised our DS is on the autistic spectrum with a demand avoidant profile that means that direct demands actually cause him anxiety dur to feeling out of control, even if its things he wants to do sometimes like going on holiday or to a party. So our parenting style is different but we have house rules that we all stick to.
At 3, he loved water play and messy play on a tuff tray. He still loves chalking (he's almost 7 now) and gardening. Baking too. Workbooks and kids magazines. But I give him some activity options and he chooses as he has never responded well to me choosing activities for us to do. I'm not saying your DC have any additional needs, but it might be worth trying a more cooperative approach if he's resistant to demands?
Good luck, OP. Its a hard age. Don't beat yourself up about screen time and snacks. You obviously love your DC very much.

Redcar87 your posts sound so, so similar to mine, a decade ago.

I also took DS to football and - despite being the oldest there - he just didn't join in. All the other DC went along with what the adults told them but DS just wanted to charge about the place doing his own thing, or run out of the room completely.

I thought I was a bad parent, that I was failing in teaching him to behave well.

But, I found out much later that he's on the spectrum. And suddenly, his toddler years made much more sense!

I'm not saying your DS is on the spectrum, necessarily, but he does sound like mine, and it took me years to have the confidence to go for diagnosis as inexperienced teachers made me feel I was worrying about nothing. I just think it's maybe something to keep in the back of your mind and see how he develops, just in case.

FWIW in case the idea of ASD scares you - my DS is now a very bright, capable teenager with good friends and a very mature attitude. His teachers love him as he wants to learn. He's quirky and a one off and I'm so very proud of him.

Also, I never did crack the terrible twos and threes! But, he grew out of it eventually. We muddled through. And then, when his command of language developed so we could have conversations about his imaginary world, our relationship changed, he wanted to chat and actually listened to me on occasion!

This may already have been said but get yourself the five minute mum book - activities that take 5 mins to set up and clear up, so no big deal if they aren’t interested/it doesn’t grip them for long. I have felt very similar to you in the past but that book was a real game changer for me. You hardly need anything to set most of them up and your DCs will naturally enjoy some more than others, so you can expand on those and turn them into favourites.

It sounds like you are doing the best that you can. Try not to be hard in yourself, you’re asking for help so you want to make a change.

tbh from your description you could have ADHD, depression or just regular mental load from doing all of the wife work etc. unfortunately most of us give our best to work and home suffers. I’m the same, hold it all together for work then that uses all of my energy.

someone will come along with a good book or strategy at some point. I haven’t found it yet!!! But it seems like you need IRL help to sort out your priorities etc. there is alot to unpick here, I always find I can make a list but never prioritise where to start first!!

sorry not much help just trying to be an ally because it sounds lime you are an amazing mum and don’t deserve the criticism from the minority.

They aren't badly behaved.
They are acting as toddlers do!

I think you are making problems by not trying to lay down good behaviour now.
It's boring and it's hard work but if you put the effort in now then you will deep the rewards and MUCH more importantly your kids will.

Well behaved kids will have better lives than badly behaved kids. Being a lazy parent will have a life long effect on them.
You need to exercise them, feed them properly and interact with them. Consistency, structure, sleep and fun/love are some of the most important things in my opinion.
I treated it like a job and tried to look at my parenting critically. I made mistakes, I was lazy at times and I was definitely NOT a perfect parent but I tried really hard.

I think it's lazy and selfish of parents to
palm their kids off on screens for hours on end. I let my kids watch tv and play computer games their whole childhood but I limited it. It's not rocket science...

Similar to me. I used to get all sorts of comments about DS1 because he was a non verbal biter and would have big screaming meltdowns. I was 20 when he was born and look younger so used to get all the comments about “teenage parents” and ridiculous things like that. I once took him to a music toddler activity and he just ran around the room in circles ignoring everyone and the woman gave me my money back because she said he clearly won’t get anything out of it.

Hes autistic and adhd. I have adhd and dyspraxia. Husband has adhd and we suspect autism, and other two dc are adhd and autistic too. Life makes sense when you know you’re/they’re ND doesn’t it!

OP DS1 is now 7, fluent in speech, gifted in mathematics and an absolute joy. Don’t be afraid of any of you potentially being neurodivergent

You poor thing. You are worse off in some ways than a struggling single parent because of having a lazy lump of a dh to consider all the time. Him just being there allowing you to have a near breakdown is not on! He needs to access medical help and either have a full time job and share your burden 50/50 or stay part time and do the lion's share with you supporting. Hope you get the help and support you deserve very soon.

@zoomstyle your DS sounds lovely! Mine is almost 7 now and talks to me about all his imaginary worlds and how he processes things, its so fascinating isn't it. He was just the same as your DS at football and things like that when he was younger. I took him to so many of those structured classes for things like gymnastics and music and he just spent the whole time trying to get between the automatic doors! Great to hear that your DS is having such a positive experience of growing up and living life!

I think you have two priorities

1. Asking your dh how he fits in with solving this problem. It is his problem as well, it sounds all on you!


2. Encouraging your older child to play more independently at home so you can sit there with baby playing as he plays.

I think it would help to be clearer about what activities you can do with both of them yourself and what activities you need 1-1 for (i.e. your H needs to come too).

Is there a reason why your H didn't come to the playground with you and DC?

At this age, the playground is definitely a 1-1 activity since your DS1 needs close supervision climbing etc. and you can't leave the baby on his own, so you need your H to come. I don't want to be flippant/dismissive of his issues, but I don't see that MH problems should necessarily stop him accompanying you and your DC to the playground on a Saturday morning.

Same with swimming - you ideally need 1-1 for that given your DC's ages so your H has to come. I would tell him you'll all be doing fortnightly swimming from now (either Sat/Sun afternoon) on so he needs to come along for that, no excuses.

On the other hand, you may be able to manage both DC by yourself at soft play, on a walk in the woods, in outdoor play spaces without high climbing-frames and at playgroups.

If your DS1 doesn't like organised classes, don't go to them - look for more 'free-range' groups where he can potter around and do his own thing.

The biggest problem you have is having 3 children instead of 2. Your basically a single parent already.

I did take DS1 to football every Saturday but he really struggled, tantrums, demanding to go home, he doesn't really like new things very much and tends to go completely mad or hide or just don't engage in the activities at all.

None of these activities are compulsory so just don't go to them if they're making you/DS1 miserable. Find something that makes you both happy. He's probably just not ready for them. My DC was similar at 3...at 5yo, he can follow instructions much better and is getting the hang of team games now and starting football club next year.

To add, I think you are focusing on your children, you’ve barely mentioned your partner but he is the root of the problem. You’re working full time and doing loads extra. You must be exhausted x

If her DH had a long term physical health condition, would you say he needs to buck up and make himself better?

You aren't being a bad parent. You are exhausted and bearing much much more than half the load. You work full-time, you do the nights, no doubt you do the house and the admin whilst your DH works part time.

Your DH needs to make absolutely certain he is accessing optimum care for his MH and to step up. He needs to do something fun and constructive with DS1 whilst you look after DS2 or take them both out for two hours to give you a chance to ha e a break/sleep/tidy up.

Did you read the mind article?

it is about mental health recipients that may be entitled to increased PIP payment.
Ie they already receive the basic rate and may now be eligible to the increased rate.

and note 1.6 Million pip recipients in 2017

5 years later… 2.9 million.

so they have obviously broadened criteria and responsed

Sorry that was to @ForestFae

Yes I did - it’s STILL happening now. Not all of those 2.9 are mental health claimants. Why are you so insistent that the PIP process is fair when there’s loads of info proving the opposite?

Do what you need to, too much telly now and again never ruined a child. Try to keep their device apps educational (CBeebies, or ones that are letter writing or something) then you can say it's home learning. Count that as a win. I'd say, though, try at least once a week to go for a walk, or somewhere they can run wild. It doesn't have to be a playpark or soft play, that's my idea of hell when I'm feeling low already 😆. Start with baby steps and things will improve. Ironically, you're knackered and can't face an activity, but an activity will help with a lot of the bickering and excess energy, sometimes we can't win!

And I can’t read the independent article you included as it’s behind a paywall

but I did note that it was written in 2017

Because I do believe it WAS unfair towards MH recipients

but isn’t now

Indeed both articles more than 5 years old