To want to say the biggest ‘fuck you’ ever!

[Troyes76]

So, I left my previous job last year(teacher) I was treated really badly by certain members of SLT (bullying, gaslighting, negative comments etc) so much so that I had a breakdown and was signed off for a while. I began to believe that I was a rubbish teacher as that’s what I was told by them day in day out.

Fast forward to now, I’m in the most amazing school, with wonderful staff and kids, glowing reviews with my teaching mojo back and I LOVE it!

Tomorrow is the leaving party for a friend of mine from my old school. The bullying SLT members will be there.
Should I
a) Just ignore them and focus on my friends
b) Make a beeline for them and go on and on about how much I love my new job
c) Poke them in the eyes

My husband says b), I know a and b are what I will choose between.
c) is so tempting though - any more suggestions on how to say ‘fuck you’!

This was exact what I was going to write

Morning everyone, thank you all! (I should have said that my friend is leaving the area so there will be non work people there too)
I will of course do a) without obviously ignoring them.
And point taken, I need to focus on what’s great now rather than what was awful back then!

Those of you who are where I was a year ago, do get out of where you are, you are worth so much more than a toxic environment with bullies x

OP I'm in an almost identical position, except I was in training and my 'mentors' were bullies, gaslighting etc.

im now thriving in a different area and about to get a nice 9k pay rise off the back of it.

I know our paths will cross because we are still in the same county in the same job

The 19 year old me would want to say "oh I'm thriving now I have the wonderful support of my team, who thrive despite being massively under staffed."

But the 40 year old me will say "fine thanks."
and walk away.

So, has your friend invited them to a non strictly work do?
That is difficult for you if that's the case.

What was hard for me was other (nicer) people not noticing or taking a stand.

A with a little bit of subtle B if they dare try and speak to you.

@SmallDucks ha ha you're mature, I was 47 when I met somebody from my old work place and got in my ''there's an ethos of respect and support'' remark.

And you're right, I did regret it. Wished I'd said ''how are you!?'' to be honest, as she was ok that woman. I made her the representative of all the toxicity in the last place.

Just don’t go. Why would you want to associate with these people at all? Presumably your friend knows you had a hard time there and will understand. I would just take her out on her own instead.

A of course, anything else shows how hurt you are.

Glad you've chosen quiet dignity over everything else.

Brace yourself for being met heartily in a friendly manner by your former bullies. Because there was nothing wrong (because they weren't on the receiving end of the bullying - funny that.)

Also, you don't want any hint that they will bad mouth you to your current employer. (This happened to my husband some years ago. He was working his notice, then, somehow his resignation period turned into a farce and his manager wondered what his new employer would make of it.) Nothing came of it but it left him bewildered as to what that was about.

Who ever said, upthread, they will attempt to bully you all over again. I suspect you'll just find them funny and bite back the urge to laugh. Not even in a mean way, it might just tickle you to see them what is now out of context.

Good luck with any saccharine how are you from them, or, god forbid, trying to sniff out any vacancies where you work.

Is alcohol being served at this gathering ?

A

I can see the attraction of B but all it does is show them how much you are still affected by their behaviour. Don’t give them the privilege of that knowledge about you. Be polite but distant and ignore them as much as possible.

When you have a choice, try always to take the higher ground.

Just be careful seeing them/hearing their voices doesn’t trigger you. I have been in a similar position and I’m in a job I love now but I still won’t go to any events such as this where the bullies will be because of the potential distress it might cause me. I also saw another bully at a work event (I had known she was going to be there) where she had to make a good impression and she came over to chat to me pretending she was pleased to see me and asking how I was as if she hasn’t in fact bullied me out of my job a couple of years earlier. I hope you have a lovely time catching up with everyone but please do look after yourself and your well-being too.

Thank you @WGACA I have thought about this, so I am only going for an hour or so with two very good friends. I’m driving so can make a quick getaway!

A. B will just make you look like you’re desperately trying to impress them. Hold your head high and move on

How come you get an invitation? Don’t think I could go. I was in the same position, took me 2 years to get over my treatment by slt. I certainly wouldn’t want to be in the same room as those idiots, unless my new head was there to rave about me.

A definitely.

Don't tell them you're doing great, show them. Come in beaming and warm. Then leg it.

Only mention fabulous new job when asked directly and don't wax lyrical and bang on. Keep it brief. Making a big show of it or talking too much will make you look a bit desperate IMO.

This!

Option A, and if any of them try to talk to you, I'd leave an uncomfortable pause while you look mildly like you can't believe the audacity, then turn away to carry on a conversation with someone else.

I've done this to a particularly obnoxious ex.

Bounded up to me full of himself as usual saying how are you, lovely to see you etc. I just looked at him confusedly and said, sorry do I know you? We went out for a year! He said. Sorry, not ringing any bells I replied.

He practically had steam coming out of his ears by the end!

He would've gone away firmly believing you were nowhere near over him.

Or that you had a serious medical problem affecting your memory.

yeh pretending that you don't remember somebody you dated....... that's just showing that you're still not over it. Just say 'hello, 's upppp?'

Queenie6655 it wasn't easy for her ...but...it was a good lesson for sure. She is amazing . !!

dont go to the leaving party! youll be so on edge. theyll spread gossip about you around with everyone! give a present to your friend afterwards.

This. They didn't like you and they didn't think you were good at your job. If they speak to you at all, which I doubt, then you can tell them all the positive things you like, but they won't believe or even care about anything you say. The best thing would be not to go (I can't imagine you would even be invited in the first place.) If the person who is leaving was just a nice colleague then send a card. If they were an actual friend then invite them out for lunch once they have left.

Had a similar situation…

Was forced out of an employer after a new ceo joined, the hr manager very much undermining me for own gain, 17 years, executive level and my face didn’t fit. Rather than be straight and agree for me to leave, they tried to make me leave by making it an inhospitable place for me. I’m a robust individual and as tee 9 months theyvwere finally straight and we agreed a number and i was glad to go.

Despite being robust, they made me ill, buried me in stress, created a zone around me that my friends at the company couldn’t enter, the ones who did, i had to warn off for fear they would be punished.

When i went elsewhere, after a short break, and then again, the place after that, i always struggle with the emotions of feeling like i failed. But the two companies, and now a series of short term gigs, each and every one offer me long term contracts, try to pin me down, offer me senior roles, basically love me and can’t believe they’ve found a perfect fit.

The best revenge, is to move on, make sure it’s known by your friends, how lucky you were to get out, that they don’t deserve good people and that it’s a sellers market when it comes to skilled staff.

Get a grip. Either go and support your friend - that’s choosing option A btw…or don’t go if you don’t trust yourself not to make a scene.

if you choose b then all you do is make yourself look dumb for allowing them to impact you so much that you are willing to be petty.

just rise above it - the event is not about you and your drama