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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to say the biggest ‘fuck you’ ever!

174 replies

Troyes76 · 17/06/2022 22:44

So, I left my previous job last year(teacher) I was treated really badly by certain members of SLT (bullying, gaslighting, negative comments etc) so much so that I had a breakdown and was signed off for a while. I began to believe that I was a rubbish teacher as that’s what I was told by them day in day out.

Fast forward to now, I’m in the most amazing school, with wonderful staff and kids, glowing reviews with my teaching mojo back and I LOVE it!

Tomorrow is the leaving party for a friend of mine from my old school. The bullying SLT members will be there.
Should I
a) Just ignore them and focus on my friends
b) Make a beeline for them and go on and on about how much I love my new job
c) Poke them in the eyes

My husband says b), I know a and b are what I will choose between.
c) is so tempting though - any more suggestions on how to say ‘fuck you’!

OP posts:
Cervinia · 18/06/2022 07:11

Yes to not going at all. You can see your friend at her home and take a card and some flowers, or in a pub or cafe.

i really would not attend. For me, that’s the biggest FU all.

Libertybear80 · 18/06/2022 07:12

I wouldn't be going to that leaving party. You seem like you are asking for trouble.

luckylavender · 18/06/2022 07:14

Troyes76 · 17/06/2022 22:44

So, I left my previous job last year(teacher) I was treated really badly by certain members of SLT (bullying, gaslighting, negative comments etc) so much so that I had a breakdown and was signed off for a while. I began to believe that I was a rubbish teacher as that’s what I was told by them day in day out.

Fast forward to now, I’m in the most amazing school, with wonderful staff and kids, glowing reviews with my teaching mojo back and I LOVE it!

Tomorrow is the leaving party for a friend of mine from my old school. The bullying SLT members will be there.
Should I
a) Just ignore them and focus on my friends
b) Make a beeline for them and go on and on about how much I love my new job
c) Poke them in the eyes

My husband says b), I know a and b are what I will choose between.
c) is so tempting though - any more suggestions on how to say ‘fuck you’!

It's your friend's leaving do. Don't make it all about you.

notanothertakeaway · 18/06/2022 07:19

I probably wouldn't bother going

But if you do, the best revenge is indifference. Polite but cool

Sgtmajormummy · 18/06/2022 07:22

You’ll be with your current colleagues every day. No need to have a party with them.
You don’t like your old colleagues. No desire to have a party with them.

d) In that case, organise a mini celebration just you and your friend and actually enjoy it.

dizzygirl1 · 18/06/2022 07:23

I'm in a similar situation but within the same company and building as my old team who almost destroyed me. I bump into them regularly,. I'm using it as a growing experience - move on and not let them bother you, they aren't worth the stress and worry.
Doing B, you could ruin the party or have a really awful conversation and ruin your evening.

BalloonsAndWhistles · 18/06/2022 07:24

I just wouldn’t go. Why on earth would you? If the SLT are that nasty then they’ll only find some way of saying something bitchy to bring you down. Focus on the here and now.

Portonic · 18/06/2022 07:26

Go and have fun with/ support your friend. It's her leaving party, not your chance to points score.

FabFitFifties · 18/06/2022 07:30

I don't understand why you are going. You don't work there anymore and it's a works leaving do. You can contact your friend yourself. It's not about you - let her say goodbye to her colleagues, without undercurrents. Let go. You have nothing to prove. Well done for moving on so spectacularly.

NumberTheory · 18/06/2022 07:35

A) at a pinch but, tbh, I think if the best you can do is ignore them and you aren't yet in a place where you can be civil to them, don't go. It's your friends leaving do, not therapy for you.

I get the feeling aggrieved at them and the opportunity to "prove" how wrong they were (and they were), but this party is not about you or them. Save that for when they come to your school looking for a job and you can influence hiring decisions.

Dexionmagic · 18/06/2022 07:39

Been there, done that, had the party. (But despite being invited they didn’t turn up.)

So for me…A but with variations of B and possibly C in reserve.

This was nearly 20 years ago and my, enforced, change of school was a good thing. Very stressful and upsetting at the time though.

Your situation isn’t unique - cheaper to screw someone up, and hope they leave, than pay for redundancy, training etc.

I was out with 3 retired teaching friends yesterday. This had happened to 2 of us. One other could see the writing on the wall but fortunately his planned retirement meant he didn’t go through that.
We were talking about those we knew had ‘left’. Quite a few.

All the best.

Dajeeling · 18/06/2022 07:41

I wouldn’t go at all. This doesn’t really seem about your friend.

for what it’s worth I was in the same position around 12 years ago. Absolutely awful place, never worked anywhere like it before or since. 2 members of my department were vile. I too was a ‘crap teacher’, funnily enough when OfSTED gave us a random department visit I was the only one to get outstanding. The worst one went into her classroom cheering in front of group of Year 12s and doing ‘a dance’ when she found out I had resigned (I got paid off). This got back to me as the Y12 students were not impressed and a few complained. The stress they gave me put my pregnancy at risk and I had to be induced early and had no maternity leave prior.

Honestly I see one of them particularly for what she was now and have for a long time- she was a very sad, bitter older woman who had a problem with me for very obvious reasons. (Very obvious now I’m older and far less glamorous myself!) and clearly jealous- I know she has been signed off for mental health reasons. I don’t even think about them at all now- this is the first time I have in a long time. When I do it’s basically with pity for them, they were pathetic 😂

Dajeeling · 18/06/2022 07:42

My point is- you need to get to the same place and move on. I wouldn’t go to this party. Celebrate with your friend elsewhere.

Thisisit2022 · 18/06/2022 07:43

I'm in the same position. I love my new (couple of years old now) job and I couldn't give a shiny fuck about them.

So a).

girlmom21 · 18/06/2022 07:43

OP I train people as a job. Not in teaching or anything related to education but I can honestly tell you that people just don't thrive well in the wrong environment. It doesn't matter if your skills, experience or anything else match the job perfectly. If the environment isn't right for you it just won't work out.

I've been privy to more than a handful of complaints about management as to why people have left unhappy. Some of them are completely justified, but often people just can't perform to their potential in the environment for whatever reason. They'll blame management for being too harsh or micromanaging or whatever else - but they're generally people who actually needed that extra attention.

Ultimately, let it go. That school wasn't right for you and they weren't your people. You don't need to work with them again. Don't hold the grudge.

Try not to hold grudges.

biggirlknickers · 18/06/2022 07:45

I am really hoping that you are future-me Grin

I’m in exactly your situation but with a new and exciting job to start in September.

So firstly, well done for moving on and finding your teacher-mojo.

Secondly - option A. You have NOTHING to prove to them. You don’t need their good opinion. Ignore them. They do not signify. Have a great time.

reliahag · 18/06/2022 07:51

With so much history, I'm surprised you've agreed to go. They're not your current work colleagues anymore so I'm not sure why you've been invited. You can always catch up and celebrate with your friend afterwards. I try to live a drama-free life myself.

CaptainMyCaptain · 18/06/2022 07:54

I was in the same position as you 7 years ago. I intended to leave in the summer but went off sick with stress due to bullying by new management and never went back. Fortunately I was 60 and could retire with my TP. I couldn't even face going back for my own retirement do so colleagues organised a restaurant meal for me. No SLT came but the previous Head did and she couldn't believe what I'd been put through. I wasn't the last teacher there to be bullied out.

Wild horses would not drag me back to that place I'm afraid (I was there 27 years). If you feel able go back to support your friend do so and blank SLT.

MsTSwift · 18/06/2022 07:55

What is it with teaching? Both my parents had one bloody lunatic SLT person each.

Dd2 was outraged recently when the head came in and criticised her young geography teachers outfit in front of the class. When teenagers are shocked at your behaviour you know you’re doing something wrong 🙄

CaptainMyCaptain · 18/06/2022 07:56

TrimItOff · 18/06/2022 05:50

Why would you go? Or even be invited?

It is quite common for ex colleagues to be invited to school leaving dos. It was in my school anyway. The retired teachers used to come back looking 10 years younger.

GucciPearls · 18/06/2022 08:06

C

Sunnysidegold · 18/06/2022 08:12

Can I just say, having been in a very similar situation op, well done! I'm also out the other side of it all and have worked in some fantastic places where I'm valued and treated so professionally and the difference it has made to my life in immeasurable. Go you!

I would just rise above it all, be polite if you end up sitting or being near onemof them. As another pp said, they already have their horrible opinions and won't believe you or try to sully your new job. So just be fabulous.

I also have imagined poking of eyes, running people over, wishing bad things upon them after almost having my life ruined, but as someone else said the best revenge is a life lived well.

ChairPose9to5 · 18/06/2022 08:16

I had a similar experience (not teaching) so I don't blame you for wanting to make it clear to them that you're perceived to be GREAT now, but don't do it.

I'd just pop in for a while, not the whole party. It'd be hard to channel the right insouciance for 4 hours with wine on board.

It's very hard to act not rattled when you're rattled. Actually, I need to start my own thread on that soon, have to attend something where a woman who gave me the silent treatment while fawning obsequiously over every single other person (in my presence) will be there and everybody else loves her obviously.

Bonbon21 · 18/06/2022 08:18

You hold your head high, big dazzling smile, ooze confidence and utter utter joy!
Be gracious to the little people!
Keep your dignity... they are simply not worth it.

ChairPose9to5 · 18/06/2022 08:22

Agree A is the only dignified option.

i bumped in to a member of staff from my horrible job and I went on about how there was an ethos of respect and support at the new job. It felt good in the moment but the woman I bumped in to, she was never one of the Offenders, so I just felt a bit petty for having said it. Maybe if I'd bumped in to the maestra bitch and said it I would have felt ok. But as it was, I wish I'd just channelled a bit more A so to speak. I should have asked her how she was. Instead I got my dig in.