To think it should have come out of her pocket money not my son's?

[Kiplingsroad]

My DC had to bring a small amount of money to an event for school yesterday. He brought it on the correct day and tried to give it to the TA and she said, no, you've already paid, you don't need to give me money.

She then came up to me today and asked me for money as he should have paid, she had made an error yesterday.

I asked him where it was and he said he'd lost it (he's 8 and probably put it in his pocket and it fell out in playground, I imagine.)

I said, sorry, he's lost it.

She said you still need to pay, he hasn't paid.

I said, but he had the money, he tried to do the right thing and pay you, and now he's lost it.

She then said, well, come inside and she found another teacher to translate (we're in Germany) and the conversation continued with her saying he shouldn't have lost it, he's going into year three, he needs to be more careful, and it should come out of his pocket money.

I said, look,the point is he tried to do the right thing and was stopped by you. Why should it come out of his pocket money if he then loses it? He shouldn't have had it on him in the first place to lose.

She was furious. She has form for being quite tough on him and has been for two years. He is having friendship issues, has just been diagnosed with dyslexia, and absolutely hates school. So in this case I felt it was unfair of her to blame him for her error, and chase me up.

WIBU?

For context, this is for an event at the school, so all money goes into a pot, and I spent plenty of money anyway - I actually bought a kid whose mum hadn't got there yet a bratwurst, so they did get the money in the end.

It's really not worth all this drama. Just pay.

I think the kindest thing for you to do for your son is just to take care of these small things when they arise.

I think this becoming a battle with the TA will not be helpful to him, regardless of who is right or wrong. I am not sure how the TA learned that he lost the money, but as soon as she did, you could just cover it by telling him "These things happen." to your son, then paying.

Some people at school will absolutely treat a child differently when they view the parent as difficult. It is not right, but it's a fact. It's important to pick your battles and this one does not seem a worthy cause.

I've been reading this thread and I agree with pixie5121 totally. I have a child with severe dyslexia based in England, UK, and I can totally get with what others (and some of what) you are describing. But you are NOT going to change another culture. So if the culture isnt going to support your child with specific learning needs then you need to be looking at alternatives.

I understand that primary aged (< age11 years) pupils with dyslexia may struggled with organisation. So you need to manage that and guide your child. But do understand that even those who should know in "professional roles" dont really get specific learning needs.So getting arsy isnt going to help. What other support do you have? For the Uk there are plenty of facebook SEN support groups.

YANBU and I'm surprised that so many people on this thread seem to think you are.

I would pay the money, because it is a relatively small amount and your frustration is not really about the money.

But I would write a letter to the Head to lay out exactly what happened and why this has had such an impact upon you. Which from what you have written, seems to be about much more than this isolated incident. This letter could then become the basis of a further discussion with the school as to how they can help support your son going forward, given he has additional needs.

Good luck OP and all the best to you and your son.

They made a mistake and didn’t take the money when he tried to hand it in. They sound very mean spirited.

I do think the TA is being quite unfair and petty as I assume she knows he has additional needs and therefore might struggle keeping the money safe. But why did she think he was giving her the money, like where else would the money have come from other than from his parents to pay for the event. However, I would just hand the money over so she doesn't have another reason to pick on him.

I'm so glad my daughter's school is cashless so we don't have any of this nonsense.

Op I get where you’re coming from having read your updates.

honestly I think the two issues might be blurring together a bit.

It sounds a bit like you feel she deliberately didn’t take your sons money (but took everyone else’s) & set him up to fail knowing that this is something he’d probably struggle with.

in all likelihood, it was a genuine error on her part which then led to your DS misplacing the money. If you feel that she’s already against your DS, I can see why you’d feel it wasn’t, but I’d try to pick your battles.

for me I’d would try not to sweat the small stuff so the amount for the arm
band -I’d let go.

I’m sure there are bigger battles for him.

it sounds like this particular teacher won’t be an issue for much longer but if the issues continue, I’d move him. So important that it’s somewhere he feels supported & able to grow.

YANBU. She sounds awful, no wonder the poor lad hates school. I can't believe that they would chase it the day after refusing it, especially when noone is at a loss. If it were for a swimming lesson or something, and someone had to come up with the money to cover it, maybe.
I can't believe that when you told her he lost it, instead of writing it off, she escalated the situation .
It seems extra harsh, since your son is having a hard time in general at school, and has to deal with a recent diagnosis of dyslexia, that they wouldn't be doing everything possible to make all his experiences at school pleasant and positive. Never mind the fact, that she could have said, pop the money in your bag to keep it safe and give it to your Mum when you get home.
Jeez, why don't these people work In tax offices, or debt collection agencies or somewhere where their black and white attitude and unwillingness to acknowledge the individual would serve them well.

Massive drama over nothing. Mistake was made, your son lost the money, you still owe the as it hasn’t actually been paid. Two entirely separate things.
If your son lost money on the way to the shop should the shop keeper still give him free chocolate because technically you had already gave him £1?

In general she sounds awful and I'm sorry your DS has been having such a hard time at school.

I think even though the error was hers, the natural thing was still for you to pay up when she alerted you to her error.

The 'coming out of his pocket money' nonsense is stupid and she should wind her neck in.

YANBU! So SHE made the mistake first, and then brought you in to moan about an 8 year old making a mistake? Also if we're being petty, his mistake was 100% accidental because he didn't have a back up plan, whereas hers was carelessness and she could've at least offered to look after it for the day.

It sounds a little bit like she's bullying him. Hopefully you are German because it would be sad if he is a foreigner and being singled out like that.

Thehonestybox Yes I am starting to think she's bullying him. Refusing his money but taking every one else's was odd and I am going to write to the Head about it and make it clear that his money then getting lost or nicked was unfortunate but to be expected.

armyboat exactly, i was in there earlier that morning talking to them about how unhappy he is and what can be done, and an hour later she does that to him - it's odd. And then hauling me in for a grilling. It was quite something.

German culture is very different. It's very much a "we told you to do X, so you need to do X" kind of thing. There's very little tolerance for people who want to be treated as if they're special, rightly or wrongly. There was none of the wishy washy 'exemptions' we had for stuff like masks during covid...everyone is expected to do what they are told.

OP is not going to change German culture and they are certainly not going to change the way they behave to suit a foreigner to chose to move there and doesn't even speak the language. This is the reality, as much as it seems to offend OP.

YANBU - the TA is supposed to be the responsible adult. They could just have taken the money, and if later found he’d already paid, just returned it to you. Bless him, someone’s got to be in his corner, he’s 8. (Waits for posters to tell me their kids were totally self sufficient by the age of 2)

Germany is a great country (I grew up there although born elsewhere and my parents still live there). I am very sorry I moved away to England and would move back in a heartbeat if I wasn't tied with work/ daughter's school and horse here.

I also spent 4 months there during lockdown and it was like a breath of fresh air compared to England. Normal face mask and social distancing rules, but no crazy police-state like we had (in London at least) and life was certainly going on mostly as normal with a lot of testing and good medical care.

Having been through the German education system myself, I cannot stress enough how much better it is than in England.

Honestly so many weird responses on this thread.

Are there really people who couldn't tell the OP was being flippant with the title referencing an adults pocket money? 😂

And people who can't see that giving a dyslexic child some coins to hand straight in is entirely different to expecting them to look after it all day with no safe place to put it?

Yanbu OP.

DyingForACuppa

Thank you. The people who have understood this situation have more than made up for those who haven't. I am starting to see what my son is up against and have been given some great advice.

I’d give her the 3 euro in three hundred Pennies (joke)

im with you OP , it’s really funny to see all these posters saying that a grown ass professional adult can make a mistake boohoo but an eight year old can’t?! If the TA hadn’t made a mistake, the eight year old wouldn’t have either . This is absolutely on her and wibbling at you over 3 euro proves she’s just as petty.

id probably pay it just to keep the peace but damn as someone who was bullied by their teacher I feel you.

The supposed German rigidity of thought seems to be running off on you, OP. Does your son have a supersoaker?

You just aren't getting it.

Do you know anything about Germany? OP is actively making things worse for her son by reacting the way she is. Clashing with the teachers and ringing up with complaints is going to get their backs up even more than they already are.

In their eyes, everyone needs to pay the 3 euro, all the other kids had to pay, and so OP's son needs to pay. That's it. Trying to blame the teacher for her son's mistake is ridiculous. Yes, he might struggle more than other kids to be organised and look after stuff. That doesn't make it the TA's responsibility to pay the money in.

The OP is just coming across as entitled here. She says she spent money on a bratwurst so they got money in the end, but presumably every other parent also spent money on food/drink as well as the 3 euros they were asked to pay?

There is no faster way to get a German person's back up than to act as if you're somehow different/special. There really isn't. Storming into the school accusing the teacher of bullying him is going to make things so much worse.

salmonelle I honestly think most teachers are wonderful but for a few it's an occupational hazard to be a bully, esp. in primary school. I'm sorry you had the same experience. I hate bullies, they are the worst.

I have drafted a very civil email to the main teacher, who is British, explaining exactly what happened with the teacher's assistant and emphasising that in future all money is to go through me.

She said in the meeting she wants more communication so she's going to get it!

I don't think it matters much whether it was lost or why. At the end of the day you still haven't paid them and you owe them, so you need to pay one say or another. Not really her business whether the money comes from his pocket money or your purse, but you should still pay.

I'm not in Germany, but I'm in a similar culture. I personally would advise you not to email about this particular incident, but I don't think you are listening.

My kids often have to take money to school, so in this case you should have said to your son that the teacher made a mistake, but it isn't safe to keep money in his pocket, so next time he has money at school he should keep it safe in his pencil case. By just telling him it's not his fault, you aren't teaching him anything positive. Even kids with SEN need to learn strategies to cope and manage with things. I have ASD and ADHD, so I feel this is really important. It's not our fault, but society doesn't care. We have to find ways to manage things, coping strategies. I can't just breeze into work late and say "Oops, ADHD here". I have to use strategies to make sure I can get there on time, even though it's a struggle every day.

Also, don't say all money has to go through you. Money is important. It's something all children need to learn about. I have lost so much money throughout the years, but it's smaller amounts. You need to support your son, not take over and do things for him. He will need extra support and there will be mistakes and difficulties, but it's really important for him to learn. Things like checklists, special places to keep things safe, coping strategies, that kind of thing.

I Understand your perspectives, but it all comes down to personal responsibility, and that just because x happened, does not mean you don't have to do x as a result