To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

i don’t know how much weight she has to lose but she could lose a few stone at least in 9 months. Leaving it until the end is easier as the pressure is on. Maybe just tell her when the dressing fitting is with the seamstress (6 weeks before?) and wish her luck! No, seriously though just give her the date and I’m sure she’ll do what she needs to do. If u start too early there’s the worry you’ll gain it all! I lost 3 stone for my wedding in 3 months and went from an 18 to a 14. I got a pt and dropped my calories to 1200 so it’s doable. Albeit probs not healthy but when you’re fat you’re not bothered about losing weight healthily!

YANBU to be annoyed at the situation it’s uncomfortable for all involved I’m sure. YABU to just not have an honest conversation with her. Just have a chat between just the two of you and ask her what she wants to do. Just say you’re having to get serious about the wedding planning now as it’s getting closer and that obviously there is the issue of her dress. Say that you don’t want her to feel pressured at all but that obviously you both need to decide on what to do about it sooner rather than later. Just say either she can lose weight as she originally hoped to fit into the dress, or if that’s not what she wants or not realistic you can either try to find another dress for her or speak to a seamstress about alterations being made to see what can be done. Who knows, perhaps you could do half and half, perhaps she could lose a little bit and have the dress altered a bit but not be aiming to get right down to a size 16. There are lots of things that can be done at this stage and you’re right to be concerned now rather than weeks before the event. So the best thing to do really is to have some honest and open conversation with your friend and make clear that regardless of which option you both go with all you’re trying to do is find a way that she can be included in your special day without feeling uncomfortable.

She told you to buy them so she now needs to buy herself a new one or drop out of being a bridesmaid

There’s always at least one issue when it comes to weddings. A lot of emotion involved and sensitivity that can make people behave in ways that you don’t expect.
To save yourself any stress over it, I’d subtly bring up dresses and say as it’s getting closer you’re just checking in that everyone is happy etc. Then you can suggest some alternatives.

I can guarantee you will feel happier with yourself after the wedding if you let certain things slide beforehand. Hope you have a lovely day.

It's almost always a choice though isn't it.

The pressure on people about their body image and self esteem is huge right now. Be part of the solution, support your friend to be her best self.

I'm MOH in Sept, bride bought our bridesmaid dresses last Sept. I'm now going to be 7 months pregnant for the wedding, so I went and bought the same dress two sizes bigger. We also looked at maternity friendly options, as like others have said, you could have MOH in a different dress. She was surprised I had paid, she did not expect me to.

Talk to her, she might have already considered paying for an alternative dress. You know how it is with diets, she probably has convinced herself she still has time to lose it all.

If she doesn't offer to pay for a similar looking alternative then you have to decide whether you want to be the person that tells her she can't be your MOH for the sake of the cost of a dress. Ultimately, you took the risk when buying the dress knowing she did not fit into it. And you are the one who wants the bridal party to be wearing a certain dress or colour scheme.

I was going to say YABU then I fully read your post. The Maid of Honor should never have made that promise but you shouldn’t have bought the dresses. It’s a real sticky one. She can’t be expected to lose even more weight than she needed to before but you can’t be expected to buy another set of dresses. As other posters have suggested a different style of dress for her but she’d have to pay for it herself.

I came on here ready to think that yes, you're being massively unreasonable but I actually don't think you are at all!

You're not annoyed that your friend is fat. You're annoyed because you chose those dresses because your friend told you to go ahead. She said she would lose the weight and she hasn't done what she said she would.

But talk to your friend. See how she's feeling about it and if she's still planning on losing the weight in time. A wedding is always good motivation, especially when you're in the wedding party!

Ordering a too-small-but-I'll-go-on-a-diet dress is a red herring. Even if the OP had bought a dress that fit her friend then, it still wouldn't fit her friend now. From what the OP says, the friend's weight may not even be static between now and the wedding. So being fitted for a new dress now and hoping it fits at the wedding isn't straightforward. Whatever is going on with the friend's weight, the size 16 dress is not the whole issue. The OP needs to be confident in a solution that'll work with a bridesmaid who's weight isn't static.

Awww - i hope your friend doesn't see this post. I can understand the difficulty but its not really something that you can change and your friend clearly struggles with her weight - as previously said purchasing dresses so far in advance is a little silly as sooo much could change. I hope you are able to get things sorted sensitively x

If she’s piling on the pounds you’d have a problem regardless - if the dress fit at the time then it wouldn’t now anyway! I would wait until much much nearer the time to do the final fitting in case she puts on even more, let her see it doesn’t fit and then she will have to offer to sort an alternative that fits her. Don’t see why you should have to pay twice.

OK, she doesn't fit into the dress you have for her. Forget about the whys and wherefores, that's the situation you need to deal with now.

I would take heed of the advice from those who are dressmakers / seamstresses on here - the level of alteration to change a size 16 dress to a size 22-24 is going to be pretty high. But it's worth asking the question and seeing how much it would cost.

If altering it is not possible / if MOH refuses to come to fittings for alterations because she still insists she'll lose the weight, then I think you need to find an alternative dress for her which would work with the style / theme / colour of the others. Explain to her that as MOH you'd like her to have something slightly different. Ask if she will come shopping and try some on.

If she does not want to try some different ones on (and if you can afford it and you want to) then I'd buy one anyway in roughly the right size as a "safety" option.

If she still insists that she will lose the weight and she will fit into the 16 dress before the wedding, then there is not much more you can do. She is an adult, she knows that if she does not a) lose the weight or b) look for another option with you then she may well have nothing to wear come the morning of the wedding and will have to walk down the aisle in whatever she already has in her wardrobe.

In short, forget about what you can't control, and work with what you can.

@overitall100 such good advice. OP completely agree you will feel awful about this after your wedding when the dust is settled if you don't let it go. Just check in with her about how she feels and offer an alternative dress/ choice of dresses ect. Not sure if you have other bridesmaids, but as the maid of honour could she wear a slightly different dress anyway (e.g. similar colour but different style)? Anyway, you can probably sell any unused dresses new with tags.

When I got married one of my bridesmaids was heavily pregnant, and the others were all various sizes, so they had slightly different styles of dresses (but from the same range). Whenever I look at the photo of all of then on our wedding day I think how nice and happy they all look. I am sure you would rather feel like that than remember stressing your friend out over a dress.

I know your friend offered to lose weight and it would be great if she lost weight for her health and herself, but realistically it was always a big risk she wouldn't manage it. Please let this go.

The comments on here are ridiculous tbh! Like she has no responsibility for her false promises resulting in you having to unnecessarily fork out a ton of money! Of course because she overindulges you should now be out of pocket. 😒

What I would do?

Not a thing. Sounds horrible but its not your problem. I wouldn't even mention the dress, I wonder how long it will take her to bring it up? Judging by the sound of this 'friend' she will probably drop it in your lap a week beforehand 🙃 honestly I would just say sorry but I don't have the money to pay out on another dress if she brings the topic up. Have a back up maid of honour and don't let it be a stress on your day. It's her problem not yours.

Yep you sound like a cow and are certainly behaving like one putting this on MN

Wow. Yep you sound pretty unpleasant from this I’m afraid, which I doubt is what you really are. If you wanted her to be MoH then shopping somewhere that only does up to 16 was cruel enough - of course she would be feeling hopeful and pressured and say that. Imagine saying oh no you can’t have the bridesmaid dresses you want because I’m too fat. Wouldn’t happen. Especially with all the societal pressure to be thin. It’s absolutely grim being the biggest bridesmaid anyway (I say from experience, despite not being near plus size) because all of that crap around it. You shouldn’t have put her in that position. And you have no way of knowing what’s going on for her internally around her weight, so being angry that she promised you to lost weight and didn’t is pretty grim. I actually can’t imagine staying friends with someone who couldn’t see the pressures around this to the point that they’d accept a ‘commitment’ to lose weight by buying a smaller dress and then being angry I hadn’t followed through. Horrid. What matters more to you - your best friend’s self esteem and mental health, or what dresses people wear for your wedding?!?!?! She is MoH anyway, just do the decent thing and find a dress style that’s complimentary and will fit and suit her, and tell her you’ve decided you’d like her to stand out. Your friend is a human. Your wedding is an event.

Nope, nta...Im plus size and a yoyo dieter, emotional eater, yadda yadda. If she said of her volition to get the dresses n she'd diet, that's on her. Yes it's not easy to lose weight n keep it off but it's doable, especially if she volunteered in the first place. If she's a close friend, just inquire discreetly and if she's not on board for losing weight, get a different dress.

YABU for assuming she has made no effort. But aside from that she can just have a different dress as maid of honour. It will look planned as she has the additional
role. For the sake of your friendship I wouldn’t make a drama out of it.

No. Friend made a promise, didn't keep it, is putting the bride to extra expense and is not even addressing the issue. In what world is this the bride's fault?

i actually don’t think you are being unreasonable. Your friend isn’t being force fed food. If she doesn’t care about losing weight that is her issue but she should never have committed to losing weight and then doing nothing about it.

I think you saying ‘the weekend showed that’s she’s bigger than ever’ is quite a nasty thing for you to say behind your friend’s back. A friend you have chosen to be your MoH no less. If you think this little of her, why is she your MoH? She would be hurt if she knew you thought this.
Leave it 4-5 months. Then broach the subject of her trying the dress on. If she gets upset, say you can go together to choose another dress as she doesn’t need to match being MoH.

As other posters have suggested a different style of dress for her but she’d have to pay for it herself

This ... though like a PP I'd also wait until she brought the issue up herself

If you'd badgered her to lose weight my reply would be different, but since she's the one who insisted you went ahead with the dresses, I honestly don't think it's your problem to fix - and after all she can still come and have a lovely time as a valued guest

Don't stress about it. Nearer the time just get a cheap dress in the same shade or a complimentary shade if she hasn't lost the weight. Or just let her wear something of her own that's totally different. She probably wanted to lose weight and hasn't been able to. You can't possibly think that she wants to be the size that she is. She is probably really miserable about it.