To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

I don’t think you should have to fork out for a new dress when your friend encouraged you to buy them. But I’d just get a different MOH dress (they can be different) and ask her to pay/contribute.

*complementary!

of course she would be feeling hopeful and pressured and say that. Imagine saying oh no you can’t have the bridesmaid dresses you want because I’m too fat. Wouldn’t happen. Especially with all the societal pressure to be thin.

This.

Just suggest a different dress as MoH.

Wow the judgement in this thread shows why we have such a big problem. The sneaking around and supposedly discreetly talking to the sales person about sizes, you really think no one else noticed that or knew what it was about? The pressure on a bigger person is immense and any person who hasnt experienced it will have no idea just how insipid it is. But it isnt as simple as dieting and moving more. In fact studies are showing now that dieting often makes people heavier overall, so she really is in a catch 22 situation with you and the other bridesmaids wanting a certain dress and her knowing she is the reason it might not happen. So she promises to lose weight, and she means it, but reality is never so simple.

Please accept your friend as she is, truly accept her. And if you care about her in anyway get an alternative dress made, or offer to go halvers with her. As a previous poster suggested, let the small stuff slide. The day is about you getting married after all, not about their dresses

So many people are massively overweight and unwilling to moderate their unhealthy behaviours.

I'm not sure there's is huge pressure on people about their body image to be quite honest. There seems to be a push towards making it normal and not a problem.

If it were me I’d say you’ve been thinking and you’d prefer her to be wearing something different so she stands out as the MOH and everyone knows she’s your BFF. She might feel pretty special then!

She said she would and it was her idea to get them anyway but hasn't. My disabled daughter with underlying health issues managed to do it. If she can anyone can. She is being very unreasonable its you paying for the deesses not her. Another alternative would be to get a different style dress but in the same colour as the others. But she will stick out and it would be obvious why.

I think you are being a terrible friend. It's so mean how you are treating her. Just pay for another dress that she feels comfortable in.

I understand you being upset at the possibility of having to purchase new dresses but I think you were unreasonable to purchase the original dresses based on what your friend said, to begin with. Nobody can guarantee weight loss and it isn’t always easy even when you do put in the effort. This is coming from a person who has been working her butt off but is still unable to lose the lockdown weight I piled on!

This^

I can see it both ways. I was a bridesmaid years ago and we just got tops from shop. The bride wasn’t interested in shopping from dresses so far from a bridezilla that you could get. it was a sale so limited sizes and skirts were being made. The top was comfortable just about zipped up but dressmaker was able to use same material and lace to alter. For my own wedding the dresses wasn’t a problem but my bridesmaid had different shapes so they just picked the dress they wanted from the same designer and same colour and both were comfortable with what they were wearing. Since your friend is maid of honour you could get a dress in same colour but different style or something different altogether in a colour that goes with other dresses. Neither you or your bridesmaid need the pressure of losing weight it’ll put a strain on you both and it could put a strain in the friendship. Have a lovely wedding, best wishes

As someone who has struggled with my weight all my adult life, I can see this from both sides. I think you are being unreasonable to be actually 'annoyed'. You are not being unreasonable to be making plans and concerned that that there may be a problem come the wedding day

So here is my personal experience. For those of us in 'plus' sizes, we are desperate to be thin and we want very much to lose the weight, but it is very much harder than those who don't have weight problems can possibly, possibly imagine. Many people assume we are 'greedy' and have no will power. Unfortunately it isn't nearly that straightforward. We usually get to being overweight through a combination of stress, comfort eating and other things which are both mental attitudes AND a complex interaction of hormones which kick in, make us feel hungry and all sorts of other combinations. Part of it is outwith our control and when we try to fight against it we are actually battling against our physiology>

Having said that, it is possible to lose a lot of weight and in a relatively short period of time but it is very very difficult. So your friend still has time to lose lots of weight, but she needs to have strong motivation to do so and I would guess that since the wedding is 9 months away, she still feels like she has plenty of time to lose the weight and isn't yet so motivated to get cracking. I have been as big as a 26. Currently a size 20 and I have lost 21 lbs in the last 6 weeks by following a VLCD. A proper VLCD, with shakes, soups and bars, containing all the vitamins and minerals I need, following a laid out programme. All of which is great - and I have managed to stick 100% to it. But I should have started way back in February or March in order to lose all the weight I wanted to before a wedding next week. So now, I'm annoyed with myself that I couldn't get motivated any sooner. As I say I can understand where you are both coming from

My advice is that you should sit down with your friend and discuss the situation. I'm sure you can do it nicely, not putting pressure on her to lose the weight but simply saying that as time is getting on you really need to know that by, say, 4 months time you need to know that the dress you bought for her is going to fit, or you will have to get her something else/ make alterations etc. That might just help her motivation ( 4 months is a lot closer than 9 months away). On a VLCD you can expect to lose about a stone per month but such a diet isn't for everyone.

I hope that helps

I thought I would be saying yes...you are unreasonable...until I read she said buy the dresses and I will lose the weight...and has in fact put on more. Arrange a trying on session if you have the dresses.....or if you havent.....ask how she is doing losing weight...as you wont be able to get the dress altered as there isnt enough material. To support her maybe go with her to Slimmers World or similar....my friend went with her husband...she was a size 12 and had 2lbs to lose....(not really) but her husband had 4 stone to lose....she lost 4lbs...nice and slowly and he lost his weight....but she was there every week willing him on.

Er tbh yes you are. If she was MOH then you must be a close 'Friend' ' can't believe you are being so cruel and insensitive

I can't imagine how shit your friend must be feeling about this. If she's your close friend reassure her and get a dress suitable for her. Honestly, this sounds like the ultimate fat shaming to me.

Allegedly you like this person. It's a dress for photos for one day. Get a grip. She may struggle with self esteem. One significant day for you, this is her life. It is an unreasonable expectation to think that she would lose weight given the information you have provided.
Are bald people expected to wear this wigs.
Are there height restrictions.
Where does this nonsense end ?????????

No she is being unreasnoble by not keeping to her side of the agreement. Anyway she should also be doing it for her own longer term health. Being seriously overweight/obese increase her chances of hypertension, Type II diabetes and heart disease!

SofiaSoFar · Today 18:42
Carlosi456
The pressure on people about their body image and self esteem is huge right now. Be part of the solution, support your friend to be her best self.
So many people are massively overweight and unwilling to moderate their unhealthy behaviours.

I'm not sure there's is huge pressure on people about their body image to be quite honest. There seems to be a push towards making it normal and not a problem.

This. This is the OP’s day not her overweight friends. OP shouldn’t have to be stressing because her friend can’t stop troughing!

Seamstress will add panels. Seamstresses are worth their weight in gold. Find one and tell them the predicament. It’s unlikely your friend will loose enough weigh and you’ll be able to ask the seamstress to work magic if needed. Don’t fret.

You're not being a cow, but YABU because you accepted the risk - and you sound very intelligent, so you must surely have known enough about over-eating and dieting not to have believed her weight loss was a done deal - of her not losing sufficient weight, or keeping it off, by the time of your wedding.

As someone who's put on 5+ stone since Christmas due to comfort eating, and who absolutely hates herself for it, I can honestly say that a very possible reason why your friend is actually bigger than ever, is that she's also comfort eating to help her deal with the stress of not having lost weight!

Please put both of you out of your misery by having a kind, private word with her and just say something like "look, Amy, I can see that you've not managed the weight loss we talked about for the wedding and I really don't want you stressing about it. Let's go shopping nearer the time and pick another dress for you that you'll feel good in and will look good against the bridesmaid's dresses."

I'm afraid you'll just have to bear the cost of another dress, as you shouldn't have blindly trusted in your friend beating her weight - it's an incredibly hard thing to do - but perhaps you could make that sting a bit less by selling the now useless dress?

I wish you a wonderful, happy marriage.👫

@roxyro well, you're a gem, you really are.

"her friend can’t stop troughing!" has to be one of the unkindest, most offensive posts I've seen on mumsnet, and that's not an easy position to reach.

First of all, you sound like a good friend. You want your MOH to be comfortable, and in a dress that fits, but it is not unreasonable to have had a vision for y9ur wedding...

Second, it’s no use rehashing what should have done. You can’t change the past, so forget it and move on. Don’t feel bad. You meant to be kind and to please everyone.

Since you would like everyone to match (as far as possible) your best bet is to see a seamstress, with the dress, ASAP. A good seamstress should be able to copy a dress completely and create the same dress style in a bigger size, IF she can source the same or similar fabric. A seamstress will be able to advise you. It won’t be cheap, but if you can get the same or similar fabric it will solve the problem completely. I think this is the best option, but it requires sourcing the same or similar fabric (that may not be as difficult as it sounds). Everyone will match and the dress will fit.

Another possibility (again seamstress will advise) is to buy a second dress in size 16. Don’t do it until you have consulted seamstress, but with all that extra material she may very well be able to alter the original size 16 dress to fit. (It will be a bit of a “frankendress” as someone else has said, but a good seamstress will make it look okay.

Go for the most experienced seamstress that you can find, expect her to be expensive, and do it ASAP!

I appreciate all these options will cost at least as much as the original dress again, but you can worry about who pays once you know your options. (I think I would just suck it up and pay - I’m guessing you are spending a lot on this wedding, so it is probably only a small fraction of the overall spend - but, of course, I don’t know your circumstances. I am just thinking how you can make your MOH feel most comfortable.

Good luck, and let us know how you solve it. And enjoy your day next year!

I think expecting someone who is your friend to conform to todays must lost weight standards is appalling. Should you not have encouraged her to get a dress that would fit? She likely felt under pressure but you should see past your wedding and recognise how it feels to be a bigger person. And be a better friend.