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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

674 replies

scj96 · 17/06/2022 14:34

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 18/06/2022 10:17

You should have never accepted these terms.

Losing weight is a very difficult journey for some people.

uis · 18/06/2022 10:23

Amazing how this thread has gone from the OP’s emotions to now getting the OP to focus on the MOH’s emotions and supporting her through her weight issues.

That doesn’t help OP - this is her wedding, and PPs are trying to make it about a much more wider issue around the overweight friend. OP, YANBU, I’m sure you are a good supportive friend but in the situation you’ve set out, you’re not to be blamed for your friend’s action. Other ppl are defending how MoH has acted because of her weight issues but that isn’t fair - they’re suggesting you accept it because of what MoH is going through and that ain’t right.

Sandinmyknickers · 18/06/2022 10:35

uis · 18/06/2022 10:23

Amazing how this thread has gone from the OP’s emotions to now getting the OP to focus on the MOH’s emotions and supporting her through her weight issues.

That doesn’t help OP - this is her wedding, and PPs are trying to make it about a much more wider issue around the overweight friend. OP, YANBU, I’m sure you are a good supportive friend but in the situation you’ve set out, you’re not to be blamed for your friend’s action. Other ppl are defending how MoH has acted because of her weight issues but that isn’t fair - they’re suggesting you accept it because of what MoH is going through and that ain’t right.

No I don't think that's the case.
I think people are accepting that it was a bad decision at the time (and that was mainly down to MOH) but it is what it is. It now needs sorting. And are suggesting ways that she can sort it without upsetting her friend, herself, and generally not turning it into a horrible experience. OPs annoyed, has ranted, but now needs to think of best way to sort it whilst not damaging her friendship or adding to her wedding organising stress (whether it is her fault or not)

gettingolderandgrumpy · 18/06/2022 11:17

Tbh I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong although you are wrong to be annoyed. Saying you will loose weight and doing it are 2 different things . If she’s a big lady as you say she is she’s got to completely Change her diet and that’s not easy even when you’ve got these bad habits . I feel really bad for her as clearly in denial. Can you imagine how mortifying it’s going to be when she can’t get into this dress and she’s going to have to get something else ? . It’s bad enough anyway when something won’t fit but she’s going to have to admit it to you and for you to be annoyed at her . I can only suggest you encourage her into being healthy putting no pressure on her can’t you go with her on walks and helping with meal plans ? She’s doesn’t need to join a gym just walking at first maybe swimming or you could go to a Zumba class together. Plenty of healthy meals online and even tiktok has loads of healthy meal tips I find it helpful .If she’s a good a friend as you say you need to encourage her as just going we are going to get a different dress is going to make her feel like shit . If she doesn’t loose weight just casually say it’s no big deal .

oopsfellover · 18/06/2022 11:39

Seeing as she's been talking about doing things that haven't materialised, and is such a close friend, I think it would be kind to have a gentle conversation with her now to take the pressure off. Say that regarding the dress, you have decided you do not want her feeling any pressure about the wedding so if she loses the weight, fine, that's up to her. However if not, can you agree that say, 6 weeks (or whatever's realistic for bridesmaids dresses) before the wedding you will both look for a complementary MOH dress to the others in whatever her size is at the time.

I agree with this. I think you really do need an honest conversation with her about the dress, and not to make any assumptions about the way she's feeling.
All these suggestions about helping her with meal plans and suggesting doing exercise classes together sound well-meaning, and might be nice things for a friend to do generally, but they won't solve THIS problem - which does need to be solved in time for your big day. As a bigger person myself, I'd want someone to be straight with me (which I probably would've been with myself too), not come at me with some kind of 'lifestyle help' agenda.

Peachtoiletpaper · 18/06/2022 11:56

Yeah don't get involved in her weight loss, she's not daft, she knows what needs to be done, it's the doing it. And at the moment (not saying overall as I know you're concerned about her health), your motivation for encouraging her would be your wedding. That's not going to help her or to be quite honest, look good on you if she takes it badly.

Also alterations, it's a really big job, going 4 sizes up, and I think would be pretty obvious even with the right fabric.

It's not about infantilising her, it's about accepting that plan A, the current dress, is unlikely to work so putting in place a plan B, with timings, in the right and diplomatic way to ensure there is a dress on the day that fits and everyone knows there is that backup.

drpet49 · 18/06/2022 12:01

Shame your friend hasn’t kept up her end. She should pay for the new dress and if she was any kind of friend she would offer to do this.

Thetruthhurtsbabe · 18/06/2022 12:07

This reply has been deleted

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JuneyJune · 18/06/2022 12:46

Such a difficult position for you OP.

I think it doesn't really matter now who's fault it is (although it's sort of spilt with buying too early and your friend making promises that are very hard to keep)

But what you do need is a solution.

Worst case scenario I see it as this.

  • sell the size 16 dress for what you can get for it. Being a popular size and unworn then I'd say there's a good chance you'll get at least half the money back.
  • have a chat with your friend and go out and find her a dress that fits your scheme and fits her. The beauty of her being MOH is that it's quite common for MOH to be in a slightly different style.

I recon seamstress etc could end up costing a lot more than a new dress and at least this way you'll get some money back for the first dress too.

Make it a positive best you can and then don't give it any more head space. End of the day it's not worth the stress and bad feeling for £200.

Frazzled50 · 18/06/2022 14:51

woohooh!! this has fired up from the OP’s post 😮

Sorry if this has already been suggested just so many replies to read through. Sell the dress try and recoup some of the money lost and then buy a similar dress/colour a bit nearer the time. MOH can have a slightly different style to bridesmaids x

Tandora · 18/06/2022 15:17

kateandme · 18/06/2022 04:55

Your clearly judging her weight.
The fatphobia and some responses on here are horrific.
Oh and the health line.you don't care about her health you care about her size.youve mentioned it several times.health = weight.her size is not a health behaviour.if you were worried for her health you wouldn't need to mention size.it would be health behaviours...like stress,jobs,a little on movement and nutrition, sleep her emotional health.buf no you keep being g it back to her size and growing size.
And then how you've noticed it going up.youve talked to your dpabout her size like that! You've noticed her size and what she's eating.jeses Christ this is just YUK behaviour and deff sign that it's you who has the weight problem.as in it's a tho g for you.judgement.
Her size shouldn't be noticed like this.ir commented like this.
The problem shouldn't even have got here.because any suggestion for her to change for you in this manner should have been shot down as horrid in the first place.that IS NOT ABOUT HEALTH.restricting dieting losing that weight in sue would have been done with harmful behaviours.
She needs love and making her know she's fucking worthy and beautiful as She IS. If she changes or does actual health behaviours and a side effects weight loss so be it.but yo smaller herself for shame no no no

Show quote history

All of this

Grapewrath · 18/06/2022 15:25

If she hasn’t lost the weight that’s entirely her choice OP, however you shouldn’t be expected to foot the bill after she insisted on getting a dress that was too small. When it doesn’t fit, hopefully she will offer to buy herself a more suitable dress or have the other one altered

peonyprincess · 18/06/2022 15:29

Sorry, I haven’t RTFT & I’m not a dressmaker, so no idea if this is possible, but if you can’t return the dress you originally bought, would someone be able to incorporate the fabric from it into another dress so that it is different from the others as MOH, but still looks as if it is designed to go with them?

peonyprincess · 18/06/2022 15:35

Ps for what it it’s worth, I think you sound like a really lovely friend 💕

Hankunamatata · 18/06/2022 15:41

I'd look for a new dress in same colour but different style

Goldencarp · 18/06/2022 15:48

No you’re not being unreasonable. She was the one who said she’d lose weight and hasn’t.

Herejustforthisone · 18/06/2022 15:48

GoodThinkingMax · 18/06/2022 09:08

Well now you’ve given OP her big telling off, what’s your solution?

A dress that fits the OP’s bridesmaid as she is.

If she’s the “Maid of Honour” then the difference isn’t so important. She’s the MoH and so has a different role.

Or go to a local dressmaker and have a dress made to match which fits.

But I find all this matchy matchy stuff a bit naff, to be honest. I just told my sisters the colour I was wearing and then we had our usual dressmaker make all our dresses in styles we liked - and which fitted us. Much easier than buying off the peg and far better quality.

So your solution is that the OP should throw more good money after bad, which was only spent after the MoH insisted she should get the dresses?

Pookymalooky · 18/06/2022 16:08

Ok you’ve done nothing wrong. I expect you’ve not really ever had weight issues and therefore it just wouldn’t have occurred to you that she wouldn’t have been able to lose the weight.
she was unrealistic really but probably meant it at the time.
So now there is only one choice and that is to take the bull by the horns and have the conversation about the dress. You must do this ASAP to give you both time to choose another suitable one. It is not possible for her to lose this much weight in 9 months so that is not even a possibility now, don’t allow her to tell you she will as it’s possible she doesn’t see quite how bad it’s got (I’m overweight so understand this).

whereeverilaymycat · 18/06/2022 16:19

Plutoisaplanet · 17/06/2022 14:50

A size 16 in bridal wear/bridesmaids dresses is much smaller than high street clothing. I learned that the hard way when planning my wedding.

Agree. I wore a whole dress size up as a bridesmaid and even that didn't leave much room for pudding!

whereeverilaymycat · 18/06/2022 17:25

As a first option I'd try and get all the dresses back to the shop. If that's a no go, I'd try and sell them all. Assuming I manage to sell them, I'd choose a new dress that they can all fit into now. Just say you've had a change of heart. You can get bridesmaid dresses on the high street for less than half of what you've paid. I know the high street one I wore had size 6 - 28, range of styles in the same fabric. There are alternatives available.

I've been to two weddings recently. First one had the maid of honour in a completely different dress. The second had all the same. They all looked beautiful and appeared comfortable in what they were wearing.

If you really can't change all the dresses, then a special dress just for her that fits now is your best bet. Should she lose any weight a seamstress could nip it in a bit nearer the time. I actually love a mix of dresses myself.

You're potentially going to have to have a delicate conversation, but as her best friend as long as she knows how much you want her by your side, feeling fabulous, then you should be able to get to something you're both happy with.

Neither of you are unreasonable really. She wanted to be the very best version of herself (in her mind, there's nothing wrong with her now) for your wedding. Anyone that's ever been up until 3am finishing an assignment the night before a deadline when they've had weeks to complete it, will feel her pain.

Do it sooner rather than later so you're both relieved of the stress. Then enjoy the excitement and build up to the wedding, which is one of the best bits. Wishing you all a lovely day.

Tandora · 18/06/2022 17:29

peonyprincess · 18/06/2022 15:35

Ps for what it it’s worth, I think you sound like a really lovely friend 💕

A really lovely friend? Someone who would get angry with you about the size of your body, and judge you for not reducing it, because of their wedding and a dress??
How do you think the maid of H would feel if she happened upon this thread?
If this is friendship , give me enemies any day.

roxyro · 18/06/2022 17:30

YANBU in the slightest. If you bought the dress with her blessing because she volunteered to lose weight without any prompting, then she should be making an effort to do so,

Cazareeto1 · 18/06/2022 17:38

Yeah I wouldn’t have bought dresses that far in advance other people have life’s also someone could have got pregnant in that time also… I think ur being a bit of a dick tbh, you shouldn’t have gotten dresses that wouldn’t fit… even if someone feels pressure to say they would loose the weight, I think ur the asshole in the situation tbh

Cazareeto1 · 18/06/2022 17:40

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
couldn't agree more

Ortega888 · 18/06/2022 17:50

Hi if your friend cannot fit into the dress then that’s ok she can find a dress that fits her and she can wear that. It’s not worth upsetting or losing your friend over. Would the shop take the dress back for a refund or could you sell it or even invite another person to the wedding and they can wear it. Let us all know how you go on.