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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think DH should've taken today off work?

244 replies

WhoPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 17/06/2022 08:34

I'm ill and was in hospital Saturday-Wednesday. DS, almost 3, is also ill (something completely unrelated) and wasn't able to go to nursery on Wednesday or Thursday. DH and I both work full-time and usually DH is very involved as a parent (does his fair share of sick days, does nursery drop-off and pick-up because I don't drive to work, does bedtime/bathroom/meals etc - no problems there at all).

I have a job "interview" for my dream job next week. When I say "interview", it's actually a ten-day work experience with the employer (including a trip to an overseas office) and then a formal interview. This is very common in the industry. It's a very intense process, very competitive and requires a lot of preparation.

This weekend, DH has arranged for FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL to come and visit - we get on well, no issues there. However, despite being lovely, they're very house proud and I do feel that I'd be judged if the house isn't spotless - especially by MIL who is a spotless person. She'd never say anything or make any rude comments at all - but I know she'd think it and she has an expressive face. DH promised me that he would ensure the house is up to standard - I'm too unwell to tidy, I can't bend down without being sick and being in a lot of pain and keep fainting. The weather isn't helping.

DH took Wednesday off work because DS was too ill to go to nursery and I was in hospital. Yesterday, I was off work anyway because I'm ill so I had DS. DH promised again, throughout the week but on Wednesday and Thursday too, that he would make sure the house is up to standard. At about 4pm yesterday, I started trying to tidy because I could see it wasn't going to happen - in three hours, I managed to do a load of laundry, most of DS's bedroom and put another load of laundry away. DH promised, again, he'd get the house sorted (there's no time!!) so, after DS eventually got to sleep (he's usually a good sleeper but it was very hot for him last night) DH made dinner. He then got phone calls from FIL and then from SIL to firm up plans for the weekend. By the time those calls ended, it was 10pm. I said I was going to bed, because I was in so much pain, and hoped DH would stay up and do some tidying - but he didn't.

This morning, DS is still too unwell to go to nursery and I'm still off work sick. FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL are due to arrive an hour after DH is due back from work and the house is an absolute war zone. On top of the mess, we haven't done a shop to buy food yet either. I got out of bed at 6.45 and spent the first half an hour of my day throwing up non-stop. I asked DH to stay home today and he's said no. His boss is already annoyed with him because he's handed in his notice and he does't want to make it worse (but, I'm thinking, you're leaving anyway, why do you care if your boss likes you?). I explained that he promised that the house would be sorted and he's basically now changed that to "he'll do as much as he can in the time he has" - which means the house will not be ok.

So, I have an important work opportunity starting on Monday that I'm completely unprepared for, a messy as hell house with the in-laws coming, I'm too ill to tidy and I'm with an ill toddler too (who I cannot lift up at all). Should DH have stayed home today even though I'm already at home or AIBU because I'm already wallowing from being ill and grumpy?

OP posts:
Vikinga · 17/06/2022 13:01

Ok so let her help op. I'm a bit of a whirlwind and can get a lot of stuff done quickly and if I offer help it is well meaning and dont judge the person. There is always a reason and it is never because they're lazy, but because they have other stuff on.

So let your MIL help and you focus on getting better and preparing.

gamerchick · 17/06/2022 13:04

Look, stop stressing. Let it play out. Let your mil get stuck in when she gets here. Take the pity because frankly 'right now ' you can't cope. It's out of your control.

When they get there, make your sorrys and go to bed. Let your bloke deal with the bairn and his parents.

WimbyAce · 17/06/2022 13:20

You do seem to put a lot of pressure on yourself! But hats off if you can cope with it.

godmum56 · 17/06/2022 13:24

WimbyAce · 17/06/2022 13:20

You do seem to put a lot of pressure on yourself! But hats off if you can cope with it.

Except it looks like she can't 🙁

Pollydonia · 17/06/2022 13:34

It's a tricky one. Get him to pay for a 2 person deep clean from an agency if you can book for this afternoon maybe?
But really the inlaws should be cutting you some slack if you and DS are both ill

IcedOatLatte · 17/06/2022 13:36

With MIL in particular, she is judgemental but it comes from a good place

No it doesn't, there is no "good place" for judging someone for having a messy house how super you are, if she had any kind of empathy or awareness she'd realise that her expectations are unrealistic for you and keep her judgement to herself.

GreenManalishi · 17/06/2022 13:52

Vapeyvapevape · 17/06/2022 08:44

I'd cancel the visit and any person that judges the state of someone's home especially when they've been in hospital is a bit of a dick .

This. I'd definitely be putting this in the not my f*ucking problem file, even if I hadn't been in hospital. People coming to pass judgement on the tidiness of my house in this situation, rather than lean in and help would not be people I'd be giving any energy to.
His parents, his issue, I'd be off to bed and stay there. He can deal with child and his parents and do as much shopping and tidying as he feels appropriate.
You sound stressed out of your nut and rightly so, concentrate on being well enough so you get a good crack at the job interview next week. Nothing will set on fire if you stay in bed for the weekend.

SausageAndCash · 17/06/2022 14:00

Bundle up armfuls of in-tidied clothes, washing, toys etc into the boot of the car.

Order a posh takeaway / delivery for this evening.

”MIL, thank god you are here, DH working, DS ill, I am in post hospital agony, please take charge, thank you so much’”

Sink on to sofa.

godmum56 · 17/06/2022 14:03

It occurs to me that we actually don't know that mil is judging? I mean all we have is the OP's "can't fail, can't give in" mindset and her perception of funny looks........

KappaChino · 17/06/2022 14:10

What is the worst thing your MIL can do if she arrives and the place is a kip? Look at you? Look at you hard? You're not 13. Come on. Your pocket money is not dependent on the state of your bedroom.

I'd focus 100% on the job preparation. Get the job, use any extra money for a cleaner.

daisyjgrey · 17/06/2022 14:10
  1. He should have cancelled his family visiting on the first day you were in hospital.
  2. With MIL in particular, she is judgemental but it comes from a good place. This is absolute bollocks.
BoJoSecretGF · 17/06/2022 14:12

Are you going to be well enough for your 10day job interview?

Shedcity · 17/06/2022 14:25

You want him to take a day off work? To tidy up for his own mum and dad coming over
because they may silently judge you, when you are Ill and recovering from hospital and illness?

and you want him to do that after he’s already taken time off this week, is already in trouble at work, and presumably he’s going to be the main/only carer for DS for the next 10days. Which presumably will impact work a little at least.

I think YABU.

acknowledge the mess to in-laws if you need to
if they’re reasonable they’ll understand
if not they can go home or they can help you out and clean for you.

your update gives a totally different reason that you want him to stay home - so you can prepare for your own job interview? Also BU.

and cleaning whilst sick, to martyr yourself is ridiculous

lovescats3 · 17/06/2022 14:31

Why on earth would you have visitors if you and your child are ill

RealBecca · 17/06/2022 14:39

Life isn't a performance where you have to live up to expectations. Send them all out for the day and do your interview prep. Problem solved. Family is for support not appearances.

stuntbubbles · 17/06/2022 14:52

SausageAndCash · 17/06/2022 14:00

Bundle up armfuls of in-tidied clothes, washing, toys etc into the boot of the car.

Order a posh takeaway / delivery for this evening.

”MIL, thank god you are here, DH working, DS ill, I am in post hospital agony, please take charge, thank you so much’”

Sink on to sofa.

This but I wouldn’t be bundling anything anywhere, and DH is in charge of ordering the takeaway and passing on the message to PILs (not just MIL! Is FIL incapable of lifting a finger?).

Sink into bed.

You’ve been in hospital and your kid is off nursery poorly, of course the house is chaos: own it! It’s been a shit week, don’t try to be a domestic goddess and knacker yourself ahead of your work opportunity. Don’t lift a finger.

MsTSwift · 17/06/2022 15:46

Actually you are being daft all this stress and pushing yourself to clean for visitors 🙄 could make you really ill. If you’ve been in hospital it must have been pretty serious.

ChristmasFluff · 17/06/2022 17:09

Fuck's sake, stop being a martyr, look after your kid today, then as soon as he's home, go to bed and stay there for the weekend.

That way you can recuperate and prepare for your interview and be in the best shape possible for it.

DH can deal with his family, and if any of them judge your housekeeping when you are sick in bed, well fuck them.

SilverCatStripes · 17/06/2022 17:21

OP I am spectacularly missing the point here but I am so nosey curious about your job interview- 10 day interview sounds absolutely gruelling ! Would love to know what the job is ? If you don’t want to say job can you let us know which industry ?

Also, in response to your post - you need to learn to stop caring about what other people think of you ! Who gives a toss if your house is messy? Martyrdom never produces a winner OP !

MargotMoon · 17/06/2022 18:22

You need to stop worrying about what your house looks like, and spend that energy prepping for the interview - sounds like a better opportunity than a tidy living room will give you! Good luck 🤞

Moodycow78 · 17/06/2022 18:27

Honestly at this point I'd take to my bed and leave him to it, he can cancel his family or host them alone, his choice.

Generix · 17/06/2022 19:30

I hope at this point as you say it's just stuff everywhere, that you and DH just did a whirl round the house picking up all the stuff and lobbed it into your bedroom to be dealt with later. That's what I would have done.

caringcarer · 17/06/2022 19:50

Postpone the in-laws visit. Problem solved.

caringcarer · 17/06/2022 19:51

Oh, and do an online shop for food too.

Lindyloomillion1 · 18/06/2022 18:03

Cancel the in-laws. Husband shouldn't be taking day off to tidy the house!

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