to think DH should've taken today off work?

[WhoPutTheScrewInTheTuna]

I'm ill and was in hospital Saturday-Wednesday. DS, almost 3, is also ill (something completely unrelated) and wasn't able to go to nursery on Wednesday or Thursday. DH and I both work full-time and usually DH is very involved as a parent (does his fair share of sick days, does nursery drop-off and pick-up because I don't drive to work, does bedtime/bathroom/meals etc - no problems there at all).

I have a job "interview" for my dream job next week. When I say "interview", it's actually a ten-day work experience with the employer (including a trip to an overseas office) and then a formal interview. This is very common in the industry. It's a very intense process, very competitive and requires a lot of preparation.

This weekend, DH has arranged for FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL to come and visit - we get on well, no issues there. However, despite being lovely, they're very house proud and I do feel that I'd be judged if the house isn't spotless - especially by MIL who is a spotless person. She'd never say anything or make any rude comments at all - but I know she'd think it and she has an expressive face. DH promised me that he would ensure the house is up to standard - I'm too unwell to tidy, I can't bend down without being sick and being in a lot of pain and keep fainting. The weather isn't helping.

DH took Wednesday off work because DS was too ill to go to nursery and I was in hospital. Yesterday, I was off work anyway because I'm ill so I had DS. DH promised again, throughout the week but on Wednesday and Thursday too, that he would make sure the house is up to standard. At about 4pm yesterday, I started trying to tidy because I could see it wasn't going to happen - in three hours, I managed to do a load of laundry, most of DS's bedroom and put another load of laundry away. DH promised, again, he'd get the house sorted (there's no time!!) so, after DS eventually got to sleep (he's usually a good sleeper but it was very hot for him last night) DH made dinner. He then got phone calls from FIL and then from SIL to firm up plans for the weekend. By the time those calls ended, it was 10pm. I said I was going to bed, because I was in so much pain, and hoped DH would stay up and do some tidying - but he didn't.

This morning, DS is still too unwell to go to nursery and I'm still off work sick. FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL are due to arrive an hour after DH is due back from work and the house is an absolute war zone. On top of the mess, we haven't done a shop to buy food yet either. I got out of bed at 6.45 and spent the first half an hour of my day throwing up non-stop. I asked DH to stay home today and he's said no. His boss is already annoyed with him because he's handed in his notice and he does't want to make it worse (but, I'm thinking, you're leaving anyway, why do you care if your boss likes you?). I explained that he promised that the house would be sorted and he's basically now changed that to "he'll do as much as he can in the time he has" - which means the house will not be ok.

So, I have an important work opportunity starting on Monday that I'm completely unprepared for, a messy as hell house with the in-laws coming, I'm too ill to tidy and I'm with an ill toddler too (who I cannot lift up at all). Should DH have stayed home today even though I'm already at home or AIBU because I'm already wallowing from being ill and grumpy?

The OP's MIL sounds like mine in terms of extreme houseproud-ness and tacit judgement, and in a pig's ear would I ever dream of letting her clean my home.

OP, I think YANBU. It's not unreasonable to expect more support from your DH.

And just to add OP. When you get old you will regret the opportunities you missed/didn't take that could have been life changing. You will remember that this was because you made the house clean for your in-laws.

Your priorities are wrong. E.g. we don't want to cancel them because we want to show off the renovations. I want to tidy because even though they're nice I'll see on their faces if it's untidy. These are unimportant things. In normal life they might be a priority. In a crisis, you reassess your priorities. Give yourself a top 3 and do those. (Rest, prep for job, look after son) and cancel / replan everything else. You can't do everything so you have to choose or go mad. (Just like with a budget, except here the measurement is not number of pounds available, but time and energy)

Trying to borrow time and energy from your husband isn't the answer. It doesn't sound like he's got it to give, despite his promises, and is falling into exactly the same trap of denial as you are.

To answer your actual question, yes I think your DH is being a bit of a drip by not wanting to annoy the boss he's already leaving anyway. With a sick wife, a kid off nursery, and his own parents arriving, he's the obvious choice to keep home ticking over.

OP I really don't get you or your DH thought processes here. You have a sick child, you have been in hospital and are recovering (hopefully in time for the very important work events of the next couple of weeks). Frankly your priorities should be DH home to look after toddler, you focusing on your recovery to ensure you are able to participate in the work 'recruitment' exercises next week. Your DH should be supporting you in this.

There is no way on earth i would be hosting visitors in these circumstances. As soon as you went into hospital the visit should've been cancelled. The messy house is a red-herring. And your DH sounds a bit of a tosser to be honest in that he wants to show off his decorating! So bloody what? Is he a tiny bit jealous you've got a job opportunity? Is there something else going on with him work-wise given that he's handed in his notice?

But he doesn't need a day off to look after his sick child if you're physically able to.

You are coming across as a bit of a martyr for DH family OP. You won't be doing any work prep while hosting visitors. You need to put yourself first.

Learners won't tidy.

Sorry - been tidying 🙄Thank you for your suggestions

Cancelling isn't really an option - they live far away and have already left. We don't see them often due to distance and a bunch of other commitments on both sides (the way DH and I work compared with how SIL/BIL work - shifts etc) but FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL are all really lovely and very involved with DS even when they're at a distance - they call regularly, send cards (postcards, get well soon cards, Easter eggs, etc). They take a lot of time and effort to remember important things and are genuinely very engaged. I really cannot fault them as people or their involvement with DS at all. The house move will take us much closer to them and being closer to them is something we really wanted. Because they're coming such a long way, we can't meet elsewhere (like a zoo/stately home/park etc) because they can't make the journey here and back in one day. I do also want to see them.

With MIL in particular, she is judgemental but it comes from a good place. She's basically a superwoman. She lost her first husband very suddenly and managed on her own with a child and a very high-flying career. She's always had a spotless home and is flawlessly well dressed and groomed. I think she a) doesn't recognise how hard she works and that most people aren't so relentless and b) that she is, therefore, very intimidating. Her judgement would always be from a place of her wanting to help and ensure we're coping - but I don't want her to be pitying me. I think she views a slightly messy house or my nails being unpolished the same way I'd view complete destruction, and she'd just be worried that we aren't coping. She's really a lovely person.

DS and I aren't contagious - at all. DS is pretty much at full health in his behaviour and how he feels but he's had a flare-up of an underlying issue that means he needs a lot of medication, including injections, and monitoring - which nursery aren't equipped to provide.

I agree with a lot of what was said about doing too much at once. It's a combination of luck and pressure. DH originally applied for his new job (much higher pay, much better hours, completely new industry) back in 2020 but they changed their mind on recruiting because of Covid-related stuff. They contacted him on December 1st 2021 to offer him the job and he's been going through security clearances since then. I've been working towards this career move for years and years, I had a big break three years ago but was pregnant with DS and very ill and messed it all up at the final hurdle. I found out I had this opportunity again on December 2nd 2021 (the day after DH got his job offer). We found out we were pregnant on December 4th. The house move is related to the baby and new jobs situation too. So, it's all just come together to be a bit mental all at the same time. There is a lot of pressure to do well too though - DH's family are all very successful in their respective fields and I do feel that I don't particularly measure up - this is all on me. I cannot, just within myself, quit or fail or cancel. It's not rational but it just doesn't occur to me as an option (I genuinely hadn't even considered that we could cancel the visit until you guys posted it on here - the thought hadn't entered my head).

I would look into a cleaner but it's not so much dirt as mess - just lots of stuff everywhere so I don't think a cleaner would really know what to do with things.

And I've got nothing prepared for Father's Day either...and I've ordered a Burger King on Deliveroo for lunch (don't judge me!)...this is finee....

As always, thanks for the support! Wish me luck!

I'd just go to bed tbh this evening and leave your husband to it - tell the in laws you are too ill.

Not really your problem if the house is a mess or what they have to eat

Stop worrying what the inlaws think. They offered to help,take it, they can either put up with the chaotic house or fix it.

And once again the problem isn't the problem.......

and she'd just be worried that we aren't coping.

But you aren't coping. Not right now because you've got so much on your plates. Why does it matter if she knows you're normally fine? I really think it's the last thing you need to spend energy worrying about. Enough can be done in an hour to make it presentable for guests.

It sounds like you’re putting all the pressure on yourself. Take the help and concentrate on getting better and your interview.

@WhoPutTheScrewInTheTuna

Yeah you've only got yourself to blame

No wonder your dh ignord you, he knew you'd do it all anyway despite being ill

You stay in bed for the majority of the time in-laws are here.
MIL will see that you are sick and be less judgemental about mess
You are not well enough to hostess anyway.

Cancel the in laws! Jeez simple! I don't care about the house (that's their problem) but you are ill and your kid is ill and you have a huge project to prepare for! Why are you both bending over backwards - rearrange for another weekend. Why you guys didn't do this from the moment you were in hospital is mind boggling.

Ask MIL for help.
Tell her what you told us, all stressed, you can't lift, bet you they all pitch in and help tidy, an hour or so and that many people and it will be sorted .
Busy people won;t mind helping,

Don't worry about the state of the house. They know you've been unwell and so should understand. Just explain that you'd hoped it wouldve been tidier but you and ds have both been unwell. Tough if they don't like it. Sticks and stones and all that. You sound exhausted.

Good luck! Don’t worry about in-laws. Mostly agree with @wellyelliebee .

Your priorities are a bit fucked up to be frank. Go back to bed and prepare from there.

You well enough for a couple of visits in your bed.

You will fuck up your twice in a life time opportunity twice if you can't be a bit more in charge of your own destiny. No one died from mess.

Lots a advice here, but I will pass on some advice my (long gone) mother gave me - if anyone doesn't like the amount of dust on show, they are welcome to leave.

I think is quite a messed-up situation. It’s completely irrelevant how nice or busy your ILs are — you’re ill, your child is ill, and you need to concentrate all your efforts on putting yourself in the best situation to get this job you’ve been working towards for years! I know you say it’s too late to cancel now as they’ve left, but I really think it was mad in terms of priorities to arrange this for now, or allow it to go ahead. I’d go to bed with your laptop/prep materials and stay there all weekend.

Yes, exactly!