Man I am seeing dropped a bit of a bombshell now I’m unsure what to do

[Polkadotdress1]

Hi

I have been seeing a man for about three months. At first it was just casual but we do get along well and have had some nice dates etc. I have developed feelings for him but I have not told him this.

I saw him the other day and he dropped a bit of a bombshell. Think interest in swinging, poly etc. Which he also on a forum for. This is not something I have any experience or interest in and I feel quite confused. I do really like him but I’m just not sure what to do. Any advice welcome

I.e. those types are not what I want. I want a nice Catholic guy.

End it. If this is something that he is very interested in and you are not at all interested in, it is a dealbreaker. There is really no true compromise on this one. One of you will be trying to change some of your most basic needs and believes for the other, which never works. Not saying that either of you are wrong...or right..., just that you are incompatible at a very basic level.

Most of the stuff I was pushed into by a sleazy ex. So your experience sounds all too familiar @Polkadotdress1 .

If you did do some of the things, he'd probably carry on pushing to try and get you to do more extreme things.

It doesn't matter that he wants to see you on the weekend. You don't want to see him. He isn't the person you thought he was for the last three months. He's someone who thinks about other people when you're in bed, who lied about who he was, who is trying to coerce you into poly and swinging.
All you need to say is you had a nice time but you're not interested in continuing the relationship. No need to see each other at the weekend.

Run run run!

Like the pp said, he’ll loosen your boundaries and you’ll start doing things you’re not completely comfortable with. Then as they become normal for you, he’ll just keep pushing for more extreme things. It’s a slippery slope. Ah yikes, I’m reading all this with innuendos now!

You're just not compatible. He should have told you sooner.

So, in summary, he’s just not worth it.

Once again - there is no shortage of males.

Throw him back, and reel in a better one. There are lots of them.

He has lied to you from the beginning as he did not make this clear. A liar and someone who wants to bring other people in - no thanks!

This

As PPs have said, there is no shortage of men out there.

No need to be confused. Just block him and delete.

If there is a place in your area, sign up for karate or some martial arts class. It will do wonders for your confidence and boundaries.

Run for the hills because he's hooked you in and then dropped the bombshell. He groomed you into becoming his sex fantasy and didn't give you a choice. He mentioned threesomes doing an intimate moment & hoped you'd consent. He's dangerously manipulative and knows exactly what he's doing. You'd do well to stay well away.

Poly people are perfectly able to offer stability and commitment - to other poly people. DS has been in a poly group of the same people for upwards of ten years.

But if it's not what OP wants they should move on.

‘He likes to tell me his past sexual experiences too which I don’t really like either’

That’s enough.
He’s not for you.

You didn’t push back or end it earlier on, so he’s taken that as a green light to explore the subject with you. This is on you.

So make the cut now.
Be honest with him & most of all yourself.
You don’t like it, so end the relationship.

I agree with what @TheLadyDIdGood said: He's dangerously manipulative and knows exactly what he's doing. You'd do well to stay well away.

I also agree with pp that see his text message as gaslighting.

Previous experience has shown me that abusive and predatory people will bring up abuse as something that they would never engage in, that they think it’s wrong etc. It seems to be a common tactic. And quite frankly, in context to the way he has conducted himself thus far, it is a massive red flag.

Just reply, No I’m not interested in seeing you again. Bye. Then block his number so you can’t see his next manipulative reply.

Yuk. So he's basically letting you know he will have sex with whoever he want, won't be exclusive and is hoping you may want to sleep with his friends and acquaintances.

Its a big NO from me.

There should be no confusion.

If it was about what both people want he would have been completely upfront about it from the start.
He also wouldn't have brought up your friend during sex, something that could have made you very upset and insecure, he didn't care about what you wanted then.

I can’t understand what’s wrong with vanilla anyway. Vanilla is yum.

He if he was a good man would wanting t to end it op.youve clearly told him your not into that.why would he stick around?he wants to turn and gain control.
He's trying to hook you in.the fighting starts here.his text is an introduction to it.
And the other things you've said of him since feel like huge red flags.
Run from this.
You can have more good times.honestly you can.hes not dependant on that.becayse this will keep going and will turn into not being a good time.qhen he wants sex with other or poly or swinging will it still feel good?
Your gut is screaming at you.listen to it now.

That’s the sort of thing that the longer you take to leave, the more painful and fucked up it will become.

If it is not for you, just run.

The fact that that he didn’t tell you in the very beginning is a massive red flag.

You are worth more than that, he should have been honest with you from the start. He won’t change, finish the relationship. He sounds a total user. I hope you meet someone lovely soon.

It's a deal breaker , he didn't tell you for 3 months he waited until you had feelings for him so he could manipulate your boundaries. He knew his chances are low with women if he tells them within 1-2 dates so he wants to make sure your hooked when he does tell you.

Sounds like he’s grooming you to see how far he can go . You dont know him OP .

Oh hun, of course he’s with other people when he doesn’t reply!

You sound just like me when I first met my ex, I was so trusting & naive - there were lots of red flags but I was just out of a long marriage and had no idea! When the penny finally dropped I was entrenched in an abusive relationship and it took me a year and a half to break free, it broke me. Please don’t be me!

I think the OP will still see him.

We're all telling her what to do and what not to do and she's still dithering....