Man I am seeing dropped a bit of a bombshell now I’m unsure what to do

[Polkadotdress1]

Hi

I have been seeing a man for about three months. At first it was just casual but we do get along well and have had some nice dates etc. I have developed feelings for him but I have not told him this.

I saw him the other day and he dropped a bit of a bombshell. Think interest in swinging, poly etc. Which he also on a forum for. This is not something I have any experience or interest in and I feel quite confused. I do really like him but I’m just not sure what to do. Any advice welcome

Well me and dp are German and Spanish and dd is called Ming.

That's a bit off, Ming has huge cultural significance to people from Mongo.

Please ignore the above post- Wong thread.

Yep. If you’re looking for a relationship, weed out the ones who start talking about sex immediately. Yuck.

The way he started texting you about sex on day one? That was a test. The fact that you didn't cut him off straight away told him that you're someone with poor boundaries who will put up with things that other people might not. Now he's bringing up swinging etc - pushing you even further, and you're still dithering.

Honestly, I think you'd be best off dumping him and working on your self-esteem for a bit.

Yuk. Dump.

Your trying to talk yourself into it because you like him. It’s really not worth it. I’m pretty open minded but this isn’t something I would want in on. There are plenty more ‘nice guys’ out there that do not swing. Yes it will be upsetting having to end it but you will get over it.

Are you using condoms? If not, get yourself tested.

Then walk away.

You’ve said yourself that you have difficulty establishing boundaries because you want to please. This relationship will hurt you whether you join in or not.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Do the online freedom programme to help you spot Red flags in all of your relationships. If you're confused then this will help clarify & recognise abuseive behaviour for you.

Enjoy your date this weekend massive eye roll

He is being a bit strange this morning asking for a nice photo of me to ‘cheer him up’. Even though I have tried to make it clear it’s not going to work for me

That's a really good point.

You've told him what you want and he's not respecting it.

Lovely, this one's really a bad one. I guarentee you he's making you ~think~ there's a connection by mirroring you to some degree to make you feel understood and liked. If you got into a relationship with him, that would slowly vanish.

People can have nice personalities but really unpleasant underlying characters - good to chat to but treat others badly - and I think this is what you've got here.

Just ignore him OP. And if necessary BLOCK.

Try harder.

how about texting "this is OVER" and blocking him.

don't send a photo. Lord knows what he will do with it.

you need some boundaries. My store is very well stocked!

PS def go to STD clinic.

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Cheating in plain sight, I call it. Not bothered if anyone agrees or not x

The more you say about him the more he sets off the creep radar.

Ignore this messages. You've given a boundary: no thanks I dont want to date you. Respect yourself enough to enforce it. He knows why you wont reply. You've told him.

Yoda: do or do not, there is no try.

How can you have “tried” to make it clear that it won’t work? Either you told him you’re done, or you didn’t.

Did you say, “what you’re into isn’t for me so I’m not interested in continuing to date” and stopped replying to him, or “well I’m kinda not sure really if we’re right for each other” and continued talking?

Tell him you’re not interested, wish him well, dump.

OP, block and delete him, otherwise you'll never be free of this leech. As long as he can still contact you he will try to weasel his way in.

Sorry he turned out to be such a flake.

Why is it your responsibility to "cheer him up"? This man does not respect your boundaries and is manipulating you. He will not change.

He will put his own needs first and say whatever he needs to get what he wants, preying on your kindness and desire to make people happy, and blaming you for his emotions so you become insecure and dependent on his approval.

You need to end it now.

The fact that this wasn't the third thing he told you about himself when you first met is a red flag the size of Indonesia!

Seriously OP come on! He's waited until you are fully on board and then he drops this massive stinking rotten egg!

Yuk! Watch Louis Theroux on swinging. He reminds me of one of the couples, where the wife was pretending to be all cool with it, when actually she was preparing all the party food, tidying up after everyone, but it was only him that was trying to cosy up to younger women in the hot tub.

I've realised that confusion is not a good feeling to have in relationships, particularly early on. It suggests someone isn't being honest with you. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you need to puzzle it out, or learn to understand him, just dump.

Sweetheart, now you have taken the step to open your eye, you can see all the red flags

🚩 bringing up sex on texts on day 1
🚩Talking about sexual experiences early on
🚩the fact that you’ve said you’re not into threesomes and he’s still looking to convince you
🚩pushing to see you or have a photo of you - he KNOWS what you’re trying to say and isn’t respecting you.

so you have to be blunt:

”I’m sorry if I was too vague, I’m not interested in sex with multiple partners, open relationships or having a partner who wants to shag others while with me, or worse my friends.

we’re not compatible at all, and tbh, I’m cross that you’ve left it until now to show me what the deal is. For all these reasons and more, I’m not buying this, let’s leave things where they are, all the best of luck, but I won’t be seeing you again”

Fine if you are both want to, otherwise not - he'll either cheat (in your eyes - he'll not see it like that) or you'll be wondering whether you can trust him.

FWIW DP & I share fantasies about including other people but we'd never act on it - no plans to shatter any illusions!

I met a guy on OLD, seemed really nice, saw him for a month or so

he admitted that the reason his relationship failed was because he’s had an affair

thats not good. It’s an unforgivable for me.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I liked him…

he had ED. I didn’t read anything into it, but eventually he told me he’d paid for sex on a number of occasions and that was at the root of his divorce. That’s why the ED isn’t it?

my (Buddhist) mate said it was karma

I dumped him